And I choked on my reply
I'd rather hurt
you honestly
Than mislead you
with a lie
Hiei
Silence.
Darkness.
Faint
whispers.
A dim
brightness.
I feel a dampness on my
forehead. My eyes flutter, opening
slightly. I close them again as I am
blinded by the sudden brightness. Was
it dawn already? I open my eyes
again. They focus on a familiar
ceiling. No, it wasn't morning yet. The brightness came from a cylindrical tube
of light above me. I was lying on a
soft mattress. Kurama's bed. A damp towel was on my forehead. I thrust it aside and try to rise. A sharp pain at my side forces me back
down. K'so. That youkai is going to pay. I rise again, eager to hunt down the cursed
being who had challenged my strength and ridiculed my ability.
I have barely stood up when the door opens.
"Hiei!"
It was Kurama. His appearance seemed ragged and a look of
worry was on his features. On his hands
were a basin and several bandages, which he quickly set aside on a small table
near the bed.
"Don't get up yet!", he cried,
rushing to my side. His hands swiftly
laid me back on his mattress.
I blinked at the bright ceiling. What was all the fuss about? I propped myself up to a sitting position
and watched the kitsune speculatively.
He was soaking some bandages in the basin and wringing them.
"Your
wounds are very serious Hiei," he said as he gently bandaged my left arm.
"Hn." I
smirked. "So I noticed."
Kurama
chose to ignore my sarcasm. He probably
knows what kind of mood I'm in after losing a battle. And in a pathetic way at that.
He finished
bandaging my arm and turned to soak another bandage.
"Perhaps
you should stay here for a while," he said, with his back to me. "Just until you've sufficiently recovered."
"What are
you, my doctor?", I murmured to noone in particular. I knew I was acting like a jerk but I simply could not control my
reactions. My wounded ego had the
sudden urge to lash out at someone.
Anyone. And since there was only
one being present, other than myself, the kitsune was going to have to take the
lashing.
"Hiei," he
whispered, sounding exhausted. Then he
stood up and turned to face me. He
walked around the side of the bed until he was directly in front of me. Kneeling down, he placed his hand gently,
almost tentatively on my thigh.
"You have
to take a rest," he said firmly, looking me in the eye. "You lost a lot of your energy. Going out there in your present state would
be suicide. Do you understand?"
He sounded
genuinely concerned. His face looked
worn and his eyes seemed tired. He
must have been tending my wounds the whole night. That is, if I was only unconscious for one night. Which reminds me, how long had I been
sleeping?
Kurama
probably took my silence as a yes for he got up and went to the door. "I'm going to bring you some food, okay?",
he said as he closed the door behind him.
A cold gust
of wind blew through the open window and the thought of leaving crossed my
mind.
I stood up and slowly strode
to the window but somehow, something kept me from going. I reached up and closed it instead. I walked back to the bed and sat down. The
thought of betraying Kurama's trust that I would stay bothered me.
But why? Why do I
care?
The
opening of the door stopped my train of thought. Kurama smiled as his eyes fell upon me.
Perhaps he was relieved that I had decided to stay. He pulled a chair towards the bed and
sitting on it, he placed the tray of food he brought with him on his lap.
"Okay,
now. Say AH!", he said as he scooped up some food and
brought it to my mouth.
I looked at him as if he had gone mad. To take care of me was one thing, but
feeding me was ridiculous. "I can eat
on my own, kitsune," I retorted.
He chuckled. What was so funny?
"I know
that Hiei," he grinned. "But I'm your
nurse for the time being and I'm just trying to do my job."
Perhaps he
was trying to amuse me to uplift my mood.
I shrugged and opened my mouth to receive the food he was offering. I chewed slowly, scrutinizing him. He was grinning like a fool as if feeding me
was the most amusing thing in the world.
We were silent throughout the
entire meal. When I finished my food,
he got up and placed the tray on his desk.
Then he went to the window and opened it, allowing the cold
night air to enter. The wind blew his
scarlet tresses gently, almost magically around his face. He remained silent, staring out at the night
sky.
I waited
for him to speak, to move. Yet he
remained quiet, motionless. Perhaps he
was waiting for me to leave.
So I got up and strode to the window where he was still
standing.
"Hiei..."
He turned
to me suddenly. I stopped in my tracks
and looked at him.
His eyes were fixed on me.
Glistening emeralds, filled with...
Sadness?
Longing?
I was confused.
A few moments ago, this kitsune was smiling happily, grinning foolishly
at me. And now, the youko seemed as if
he was about to cry.
"Hiei, do you ever wonder why—why I
always take care of you?", he asked.
"Don't you want to know why I'm always worried about you?"
Huh? He always does take care of me. But I never knew that he was always
worried.
"We've known each other for so
long, haven't we? And—and I've always
wanted to be right by your side in everything that you do. When you use the Kokuryuhaa, I always fear
that you might..."
I knitted my brows. Now, I really am confused. The kitsune was babbling nonsense. He must have felt my confusion because he
stopped and looked down at the floor.
Then he looked at me again and took
a deep breath.
"Hiei...what I'm trying to say
is...that..."
"I..."
"I—I..."
"I love you..."
I love you?
He loves me?
"D—do you love me too, Hiei?"
I could feel the fear in his
voice. I knew that he immediately
regretted asking me the question.
He had good reason to regret it.
I took another step.
He looked up at me hopefully.
I tore my eyes from his gaze and
moved towards the window, turning my back on him.
"Baka no kitsune."
"I don't feel the same."
"Domo arigato. Sayonara."
Then I leapt gracefully out the
window, embracing the cold night air.
Engulfed by the shadows, I
disappear into the darkness.
**********
And
who am I to judge you
On
what you say or do
I'm
only just beginning
To see the real you
Kurama
Baka no kitsune.
I don't feel the same.
Sayonara.
Sayonara...
Sayonara...
The
words kept echoing in my mind. It had
been quite some time after he left and I was still standing in front of my
window, staring out at the darkness. My
body had refused to move from where it is.
It seemed as though I had been drained of all my strength. Or perhaps I had lost the will to act. Whatever the reason was, my mind couldn't
seem to process it at the time being.
My thoughts seemed hazy, clouded by a sharp, insistent throbbing in my
chest.
What was it?
Was it...pain?
Pain.
The acknowledgement of the emotion felt like a
sudden blow to my being. The scenes of
the previous moments once again flashed through my mind. A sudden rush of emotions
washed over me like a fierce wave bringing me to my knees.
I clutched my chest. I never knew that it could hurt this bad.
"I don't
feel the same."
He didn't feel the same.
Hiei didn't...
Hiei didn't love me.
Hiei doesn't love me.
The realization felt like a dagger—no, it felt like
a thousand daggers stabbing my heart.
Warm tears began to flow down my cheeks. I began to sob. It
hurts so much. I wanted to let it
all out. I wanted to cry until my tears
ran out.
I want
this pain to go away!
But it didn't.
I couldn't make it stop. It kept
tearing at my heart, over and over and over...
I brought my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms
around my legs. Sobs racked my body and
I kept on crying.
I am so
pathetic. I thought bitterly.
"Baka no kitsune." He was right. I am
stupid. I had been around for a
thousand years and I hadn't learned anything.
There I was, pouring out all my emotions, exposing my innermost thoughts
and feelings to a cold, heartless, forbidden child. I had just humiliated myself in front of a cruel, insensitive
koorime.
Imagine, me, an infamous Makai thief, a beautiful
silver youko, rejected by an unwanted little fire demon?
The idea would have seemed preposterous to someone
else. It was an insult, a mockery.
But I simply could not feel anger or hatred for the
koorime.
Pathetic or not, that cold, heartless, cruel,
insensitive fire demon... had stolen my heart.
And had broken it as well...
It still hurts.
But I still feel the same.
I wiped my tear-stained cheek. I was still sniffling but there were no more
tears coming out. So it was possible
to run out of tears. I headed for
my bed. I didn't know rejection could
make a person so weary. It was as if I
had fought a battle with an S-class youkai. And lost. Reaching my
bed, I lie down and pull the covers up to my chin. His scent was still on my blanket. And he is still in my heart
as well.
I couldn't
blame him. He couldn't help but be
himself. He was unwanted, thrown away
by people who should have accepted him...loved him. Like I do. He had
to build those walls around himself as a fortress against the cruelty of the
world. He had to become cold to protect
himself from the cold, harsh realities of life. He had to become numb to keep from getting hurt. He had already been hurt. Badly.
Yes, he was
cold, he was cruel, he was heartless. And
arrogant as well. But...he
was...Hiei.
Hiei.
He
had still left a dull ache in my heart.
Warm tears begin to flow once more, trickling down my cheeks. I turn to my side, wrapping the covers
tighter around myself. I feel so
empty. It's as if all my strength, all
my will, all my hope, have all faded away into nothingness. It feels so
cold. I feel so cold inside. My lids
begin to feel heavy and I allow myself to give in to my weariness.
"Sayonara." His voice suddenly echoes and my eyes
flutter open.
I am
gripped with a dread feeling of fear. I
rise and stride towards my window. He
had said goodbye. I fear that I have
lost not only my lover, but my best friend as well.
I gaze at
the night sky as if searching for something.
For his shadow, his figure. Anything.
Although, I know that I will not find him.
Hiei.
Please...
Come
back.
Come
back to me...
To
be continued...
