Title: I Won't Say It
Author: Cait (aka ADDyke)
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Rating: T
Spoilers: Season One/Season Two up to Episode 4 - Meat
DISCLAIMER: Torchwood, Dr Who and all their characters and associated creations do not belong to me – they belong to Auntie Beeb who robs me blind with the telly licence fee, and Russell T Davies, and his fantastic writing team and cast – which is why they live in nice posh flats and I live in a crappy med res room living on baked beans (thus I'm making no money from this).
No point in suing – you can't get blood from a stone.
The plot however is 'mine all mine' ;-)
Lyrics: 'I Won't Say (I'm In Love)' – Disney's Hercules Soundtrack
Author's Note: Ianto's POV. I love Disney soundtracks and this song came on when I put my iPod on shuffle – I had to write a fic! Thank you to everyone who reviewed 'Not In My Job Description' – I was just out of horrific writer's block and had just changed fandoms, so I really appreciated it.
It's quiet now. I like this quiet, this stillness, the gentle hum of monitors and computers, my own tapping at the keyboard. Gives me the time to think, to clear my head.
After today through, my head isn't clearing – in fact the more I try to think logically, clearly, the more muddled I get.
There is only one person who can do that to me.
Surprise, surprise – his name is Jack.
Have you ever had a conversation with yourself, with the voices in your head? Tried to reason with yourself?
Well, tonight, I'm having a full blown argument with myself.
And, quite frankly, I deserve it.
It was supposed to be an arrangement; at least it started out that way. Those nights were supposed to be a little relief, a break from intolerable loneliness. For both of us.
My own fault for breaking the number one rule – I started having feelings for him.
I'm not in love with him.
The niggling voice in my head laughs.
Who you think you are kiddin'
He's the Earth and Heaven to you
I'm not. I'm not in love with him.
I just have feelings for him.
Why, I don't know. I just do.
That kiss. He comes back from the dead, and kisses me.
That kiss.
As if he was trying to kiss all the grief and hurt away.
I still gasp when I think about it.
Then, of course, he buggered off.
I really wasn't that surprised.
It hurt. I will admit that.
But I'm not in love with him. I'm not.
We're talking about Captain Jack Harkness here.
He swans in and out of your life with an innuendo and without a care.
That's Jack.
Actually, if Captain John Hart is anything to go by for the standards for men from that time, Jack is positively a gentleman.
We still haven't gone on that date yet though.
Not that it matters.
It's not as if I'm in love with him.
Ha, goes that voice in my head.
I'm not. I'm not in love with him.
I enjoy being with him, and the sex… well, it's imaginative to say the least.
But I'm not in love.
It's not as if I live for those stolen kisses in his office, those quick gropes in archives.
It's not as if I wait impatiently for the others to leave, so we're alone and I can finally relax around him.
Try to keep it hidden
Honey, we can see right through you
You can't conceal it
We know how you feel and who you're thinking of
I don't know why I'm so secretive about… how close Jack and I actually are.
Let's face it, it's probably the worst-kept open secret in the history of Torchwood.
(Apart from maybe that affair between Harriet Derbyshire and Lydia Childs in 1917. Gerald Carter's journals from that period were among my more interesting discoveries in the archives. Anyone would think he was jealous.)
On the subject of jealousy, it's not as if I'm jealous of Gwen Cooper, either.
Today was a hard day, for all of us, and Jack took it harder than he will ever let on.
And that argument with Gwen had made matters ten times worse.
I don't get Gwen.
She says she loves Rhys and I'm sure on some level she does.
And the poor man is absolutely besotted with her.
But she jumped into Owen's bed far too quickly, and I've seen the way she looks at Jack.
Because I tend to catch her eye looking in the same direction.
It's the way Jack looks at her back that causes my stomach to twist.
Not that it should.
Not as if I'm in love.
Not as if it cuts through me every single time.
Not that I would ever show it.
I won't say it.
I won't say I'm in love.
That voice in my head is in hysterics now.
You keep on denying
Who you are and how you're feeling
Baby, we're not buying,
Hon, we saw ya hit the ceiling
I nearly lost my entire team today again – not something I want to even think about tonight, it's too soon.
But, in that warehouse, the one person I was most worried about, despite that fact he would have been the one that would have been alright, the one who did stand a chance – was Jack.
I suppose I'm still getting used to the whole immortality idea.
It's not as if my whole reason for being is wrapped up in one Jack Harkness.
I won't say it. I mean it. I won't say it.
Face it like a grown-up
When ya gonna own up that you've got, got it, got it bad
I jump slightly as a strong hand is rested in the small of my back. Jack leans over me and I have to remind myself to breathe.
"Has everyone else gone?" Jack sounds so very tired.
I relax into his touch, try to ignore the electricity travelling up and down my spine. "Yeah. Tosh headed home about half an hour ago."
"Are you nearly finished here?"
I look away from the computer screen, where I had been typing the report for the clean-up at the abattoir. At him. Trying not to drown in his eyes. "About ten minutes, Jack."
I've stopped calling him 'Sir' because he asked me to.
Not because I like the way his name sits on my tongue.
Not because it makes me feel just a tiny bit closer to him.
"Can you come to my office afterwards?" Jack asks, that tired look in his eyes saying he didn't want to be alone that night.
I nod.
"Thank you, Ianto."
You're doing flips, read our lips, you're in love
I try not to feel bereft when Jack moves away.
I won't say it.
That voice in my head is giggling again.
Especially when I catch sight of my reflection in the computer monitor. There is a funny smile on my face, one that I haven't seen since I first met Lisa.
Check the grin, you're in love
I won't say it.
Don't be proud, it's okay, you're in love
I can't say it.
At least out loud, I won't say I'm in love.
The End.