8 – Delete

-x-

There was a long silence. 13.57 seconds. Eventually, having weighed up his desire to find out about the Counsellor's wellbeing against possible social taboos connected with mentioning it, since he was the one who had inflicted the harm upon her, and realising that she wasn't about to provide that information unprompted, Data spoke.

'How is your hand?'

'It still aches a little when I use it,' Deanna told him without malice, 'but it will be fine.'

Data nodded. 'You have my sincere apologies for what happened.'

Deanna smiled a little. 'Why do I get the feeling that you've been saying that a lot recently?'

'I almost killed Geordi,' Data told her, with an air of disbelief, 'I threw the Captain against a wall and was very insulting towards him, I bit Lieutenant Worf and I told Commander Riker to…' Data trailed off, unsure as to whether it was necessary to repeat the expletive.

'…to go fornicate with himself?' helped Deanna.

Data raised his eyebrows. 'He told you about that?'

'He's been telling everyone. He thought it was wonderful.'

'He found my behaviour amusing?'

Deanna shrugged. 'At least somebody did. That's something, right?' She paused. 'Data, this isn't why I wanted to talk with you. All you've spoken about since we were able to remove you from the programme has been your regret at the effect it had on others. I'd like to know a little something about the effect it had on you.'

Data shook his head slightly. 'The damage that I caused to you and all of those who tried to help me was real. My experience within the programme is immaterial. It did not actually happen.'

'But Data,' Deanna enthused, 'you got to experience your ultimate wish! For over a week you were living as a human…'

'I was not human. I was not on Earth. I was comatose…'

'When you woke up briefly,' Deanna interjected, 'you were still, mentally, the human character you'd created…'

'I did not create him,' Data added over her, quietly. 'He was the programme's creation.'

'Data, he was you! Or at least elements of you, magnified, and when you woke up, I could feel your fear, and your anger. Those emotions was real, if nothing else.'

'With respect, Counsellor, I do not believe that the human character representing myself was "me" at all – rather, the combination of various factors extrapolated from the Holodeck computer's character creation banks, Geordi's memory and my own. I believe that that character was merely a sophisticated projection. Much as the illusion of emotions were.'

'Data, I know what I felt.'

'As do I.'

'So you did feel emotions.'

'But I cannot. Therefore it stands to reason that the "emotions" I experienced were, in fact, something else.'

Deanna sighed and drummed the fingers of her good hand on her knee.

'All right then, what about more tangible elements of the experience – tactile sensations. Pain, when you were shot. You appeared to seek out certain sensual pleasures… the warmth of a summer's day, the kick of caffeine, the… sensations of sex…'

Deanna steeled herself. As much as she hated to admit it as a Counsellor, there were still a small number of individuals in her life with whom discussing sex just felt Wrong to her, and Data was definitely one of them. It was unfortunate that the android seemed to consider sex as just another function, and usually failed to euphamise on the subject, since she always felt rather disconcerted by his albeit very occasional, but disarmingly frank and clinical reminders that he was far from asexual. He had once caught her off guard by innocently and matter-of-factly using the word 'cunnilingus' in front of her, which had resulted in her spitting a mouthful of hot chocolate over his uniform in surprise. Still. His apparent enjoyment of a sexual relationship with "Mary" within the programme was a different matter, and one which needed to be discussed.

Data, however, seemed to disagree. 'More projections,' he replied, patiently. 'Second and third hand human experiences re-laid into my neural net. Nothing more.'

Deanna paused. 'Tell me about Mary.'

Data hesitated for the briefest moment. 'The programme was intended to supply me with a woman with whom I could share a kiss. I had presumed that this would be either a random character from the Holodeck computer's files, or a previous girlfriend of Geordi's, since it was his human experience that the programme was using. It did not cross my mind that the programme would instead take a former sexual partner of my own, although, with hindsight, that does make more sense…'

Data hesitated again. Deanna didn't prompt him to continue. Nobody had yet breathed the "T-Word" to him in conjunction with Mary McKinley. Now, there was the one aspect of the android's sexuality that he was never candid about, and ever since unfortunate circumstances had brought the fact of that brief, surprising dalliance to light it felt exceedingly rude for anybody who knew about it to ever mention it, to him or anyone else.

'It made use of my own memory,' Data continued. 'The unique way that she kissed, and that she…'

Deanna could practically hear the gears turning as he shifted the subject slightly.

'The programme offered me wish fulfilment on many levels,' he told her, 'and I became too embroiled in its fantasy to decline. Mary McKinley was the embodiment of several wishes. I do wish to enjoy sex physically. I also wish to be able to have a meaningful romantic relationship. And I do wish that I could somehow bring her back, as impossible as I am aware that that is.'

'Were you in love with her?' Deanna clocked Data's confused expression. 'With Mary,' she clarified, quickly.

'He was,' replied Data, just as hastily. 'The human persona was in love with Mary.'

'But that was you.'

'I have already told you. It was not I. How could it have been me? I cannot fall in love.'

Deanna laced her fingers around one knee, regarding him seriously. 'Could I offer an alternative theory about what happened last week?'

'Certainly.'

'What if your dismissal of what happened within the programme isn't because it wasn't real, but because it was too real?'

Data started shaking his head, but Deanna continued before he could reply.

'Perhaps it is that you were able to fulfil your dream to be human, and it was not as you expected it to be. You experienced aspects such as paranoia, fear, fury, self-indulgence, idleness and so on, and you were appalled, so you distanced yourself from this human – this Data Soong – as much as possible. You claim that he was a projection of the programme, an Other Being to yourself, and you concentrate solely on the negative actions that he made you perform – crushing my hand, insulting the Captain and so on.'

'I disagree…'

'Would you agree at least that you found Data Soong to be an ignoble character? Unpleasant, even?'

Data paused. 'He was a far from admirable personality.'

'I'd say that he was immensely admirable.' Deanna cocked an eyebrow. 'Hardly Starfleet material, but then he was dwelling in a far more barbaric age of man. Flaws like his are perfectly natural; overcoming them or using them to our advantage is just a part of life. He loved, and he cared, and he desperately wanted to protect the people who were close to him, in spite of the mounting odds against him. From what I saw and felt while the programme was running, I knew that there was a good soul under all of those complications. It was your soul.'

'This discussion has veered into the realm of Metaphysics…' attempted Data, but Deanna cut him off again.

'There's an old saying from Earth,' she continued, 'that if you desperately want to be different to what you are, that different being is trapped inside you. For example, if I had an aching desire to have Blonde hair, I would say there was a Blonde inside of me, wanting to come out. And you, Data, could say that there was a human inside of you. What if Data Soong was that human?'

'You are attempting to apply a homily to an unrelated event,' Data told her, patiently. 'I do not believe that it has any potency in this case.'

'What if you released that potential to be human within you,' insisted Deanna, 'and not only was it not what you had expected, but you also had to give it all up again? What if you really did experience emotions within the programme; and pain, and sex, and love, and now you have to get by without them again? Data Soong saw us as the enemy, perceived life with us to be this terrible, unnamed horror from which he had to escape at all costs. Perhaps because he knew, deep down, that he would have to eventually give up that dream of human life. What if there's still an element inside of you that is horrified by your true existence? What if that's why you're denying the reality of what you experienced within the programme – to try to silence that little voice, that human who wants it all back again?'

Data blinked, regarding Deanna blankly. 'That is an interesting theory, Counsellor.'

'But one to which you can't subscribe,' prompted Deanna.

'On the contrary, I believe that it has helped me to make an important decision. Although I doubt that it is an action that you intended to inspire, or indeed one of which you will approve.'

Counsellor Troi frowned. 'Data?'

'Ever since I was released from the programme,' Data explained, 'I have been considering on the courses of action I should take regarding the recollection of my experiences within it. It was my assumption at first that I could continue to treat it as though it had been a particularly engrossing Holodeck simulation and nothing more, but this discussion has brought me to the realisation that it probably was indeed much more than that.'

Deanna drew breath to speak, but it was Data's turn to cut her off this time.

'You wish for me to embrace the memory of the human character, to treat him as an extension of my own psyche, and to cherish the memories of my time inside the programme – the emotions, the sensations… Officer McKinley. You believe that I can make use of these recollections in my endeavours to become more human, am I correct?'

'Put very, very simply, I suppose…'

'I cannot do that, Counsellor. Instead, I have decided to wipe my experience of the programme from my memory logs.'

Deanna opened and closed her mouth a little in sad surprise. 'You're… deleting the memory?'

'I will recall that Geordi and I were attached to a programme which overran for eight days,' Data informed her, 'and I shall remember the harm that it caused me to do to my colleagues, but the details of the life it gave to me must be erased.'

'But why?'

'If my suggestion is correct, and it truly was simply an illusion, then nothing has been lost. However, if it is you who is correct… then I have already achieved my ultimate goal. And it was inadequate, temporary and false. Every new step I will ever take in achieving a state closer to humanity will be marred by the knowledge that I have already been there once before, and even if this is the closest I will ever come to a human life – even if I never make another advancement - then my "life" within the programme will have cheapened everything I have already strived for.'

'You're talking as if it was some tacky, flimsy pantomime…'

'It was. It was adrenaline, caffeine, heat and sex. Sex which prostituted the memory of Lieutenant Yar. That alone is cause enough to delete it. As for the concept that the human personality is an aspect of myself, still present somewhere within me… I am very uncomfortable with the idea of that. I should like to ensure that this is not the case to the best of my abilities, and I believe that erasing all memory of him is likely to be the best option.'

Deanna shook her head. 'Data, if I didn't know better, I'd say you've decided on this course of action out of spite.' She caught his eye. 'And out of grief, of course. I'd say that it's pained you to come back to this life, and to remember everything that you lost, and had to sacrifice – that you're erasing the memories because they hurt too much to contemplate. And if you can't have them… well, why should he? If I didn't know better, I'd say that you didn't want any memory of the human to exist because you're jealous of his life… the life you gave him…'

Unbidden, Data got to his feet. 'My mind is made up.' He turned to go.

'You know something else I'd say if I didn't know better?' Deanna called to him, 'I'd say that this decision proves in itself that you and Data Soong are one. I'd say that the fear, anger and denial he showed when faced with the truth of his own existence is no different from your own reaction right now to the truth of what you went through!'

Data paused at the door, staring at her for a moment.

'It is fortunate then, Counsellor, you do "know better".'

With that, he left, leaving Counsellor Troi blinking at a door which seemed to slide shut after him a little sharper than usual.

She sighed, and logged the session, noting particularly that the android was almost certain to wipe his memory banks of the programme's effects upon him practically immediately, and as such, there would be no point in bringing the matter up again. That done, she moved on to her personal log.

I believe that Data and I have just had an argument, she wrote. In fact, I think he actually stormed out of my office. She smiled, slightly, before adding one last thought. I'm so proud!

-x-

'Hello.'

'Hi.'

Data sat down in the seat next to Geordi's. Data noted silently that it was the first time he'd ever caught the Chief of Engineering gazing absently out of a window before. But then, a lot of odd occurrences had been happening since The Incident. Oh yes, a lot of odd occurrences. Little of it made sense to Data any more, but a part of his programming – a part that he had very recently installed himself – held him back from delving any further into the mystery. It was to remain an enigma to him. That was the price he was going to have to pay for… for Something. For Something Important. More, he could not say.

'How are you?' he asked.

Geordi didn't turn to face him. 'Oh, fine. Fine. Gotta take really good care of my ticker for a while. Beverley wanted to replace it, but I said no way.'

'It is probably advisable after having gone into Cardiac Arrest at such a young age…'

'I know, I know, but the whole Bionic Implants thing is a road I'm already further down than I'd like to be. Y'know, a Visor here, a fake heart there, pretty soon I'd end up as mechanised as…' Geordi checked himself. 'Sorry.'

Data pressed his lips together a little, nonplussed. 'I assume that your reference was to myself. I take no offence at that.'

'I know, but…'

'Why did you apologise?'

Geordi shook his head. 'If I were to tell you that, I'd have to refer to what happened in the programme…'

'…which I have asked you not to do,' completed Data, with a nod of understanding.

'And it's killing me that we can't discuss it,' Geordi interjected. 'Not even a little bit…? Not even if I keep it as vague as vague can be…?'

'I went to great lengths to delete all memory of my experience within the programme,' Data replied. 'I must have had good reason. I believe that to provide me with any reminders of the memories I have striven to remove would be counter-productive.'

Geordi huffed a little, and went back to gazing out of the window.

Data decided that it would be a good idea to change the subject.

'I understand that you have finally scheduled a social engagement with Lieutenant Blackburn.'

'No secret dates are secret for long if they're made within earshot of Beverly Crusher, huh?'

'Actually, it was Commander Riker who informed me.'

'Exactly.'

Data frowned, slightly confused, but decided to continue with his original tack. 'You have been attempting to summon the courage to ask her for dinner for over a month now. Was there any particular catalyst for you finally making your decision?'

Geordi just gave Data a Look. Hampered as they were by the human's Visor and the android's general inability to read the expressions of others, Data still knew what that Look meant.

'The programme again…?' Data hazarded.

Geordi nodded.

'Oh.'

'See what I mean?' Geordi persisted.

'It may be more difficult than I had first anticipated for us to avoid discussing the programme,' Data agreed. 'However, the easiest option is not necessarily the most suitable.'

'Says you…' mumbled Geordi, almost inaudibly. He went back to looking out of the window.

Data opened his mouth to ask what he was doing, then closed it again, with the consideration that the blind man's blank observation of the stars through his Visor may have been yet another action inspired by the programme.

'I never knew before,' announced Geordi, suddenly, 'how much of what I see through this thing is blue.'

'Beg pardon?'

'I had no frame of reference. But there's blue everywhere. I like it. It's pretty.'

'It is a colour that humans usually react positively to.'

'Is it blue? The sky?'

'It is Nothingness. Most of what is outside the window is an absence of light and colour – observed by almost all species as blackness.'

'Oh.'

Data pointed at what to the average human would be nothing but a slight smudge in the darkness. 'That nebula.'

'Pretty far away.'

'I am able to see it. Are you?'

'Sure. What about it?'

'It is blue.'

'Really?'

'Mostly.'

'Cool.'

And they said nothing more, but sat and watched the mostly blue nebula that nobody else could see for the best part of an hour.

And then, they continued as normal.

-x-

The End.

-x-

Notes and References

Huge thanks again to Realmlife for a great job Betaing.

The song on the radio in Chapter 1, to which the title of the story and the first chapter refer, is 'I Can See Clearly Now' by Johnny Nash. Although there aren't any other music cues in the story, there are other songs that have inspired certain scenes or moods in it – 'Baby's Coming Back To Me' by Jarvis Cocker pretty much throughout the story and 'Downtown' by Tony Hatch, sung by Petula Clark, for the realisation that Data's human life is a lie.

Mary McKinley's surname is after a friend of mine who, like myself, shares Mary's trait of letting people know she cares about them by taking the piss out of them at every conceivable opportunity. The Irish name for a Cop is a bit of a cliché I know, but it just felt right for her.

The line 'I bet you guys spent all last night re-tiling the bathroom or something' is a very, very obscure reference to 'The Ballad of Barry and Freda' AKA 'Let's Do It' by Victoria Wood.

'The ground shifted, and folded up to meet him' is a reference to the termination of the Universe in Zarniwoop's office ('The sky's folding in on itself') in the second radio series of The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy.

''Wakey wakey, eggs and bac-ey.'' – Kill Bill Part 2!

The whole of Chapter 4 is a homage to Life On Mars, particularly the Overdose episode. Life On Mars was a very big influence on this whole story.

Data's nightmares about Mary are actually recollections of the events of 'Skin Of Evil'.

'I was half expecting your head to start spinning round.' – because that whole scene before it had made me think a lot of The Exorcist!

Courtney Pine – the Jazz & Contemporary Tutor for my A-Level Music course was obsessed with Courtney Pine. My little tribute to him.

After I managed to fit 'I think you ought to know I am feeling very depressed' into 'Harmonica', I really wanted to get another Marvin quote into this story. Unfortunately, I couldn't get one to fit. The best I managed were some passing references that Data was indeed being a Paranoid Android. Riker's 'Tetchy' line is a reference to Red Dwarf's Kryten ('It's a good job I can't hear you calling me tetchy, you know what happens when you call me tetchy…') Riker's list of possible forenames are all fictional Robots and Artificial Intelligences – Metal Mickey, Robbie the Robot, Marvin the Paranoid Android and Hal from 2001. Rounded off with 'Rumpelstiltskin', as a reference to that fairy tale's theme of random name guessing.

In Chapter 7 I wanted to show the android Data occasionally slipping back to the surface as the artificial world collapsed. The first indications of this are actually in Chapter 3, when he is distracted by Worf. He's able to sprint without losing breath until Geordi points that discrepancy out, and able to pick up a heavy railing. I thought it would be interesting and add to the peril if Data's physical strength reasserted itself in this crisis before his personality did. This is why Data, even though he still believes himself to be human, and still gives himself some physical vulnerabilities as such, seems to have superhuman strength in a lot of this chapter. After he was shot and failed to die, I wanted a little of the old Data's syntax to creep in as well.

'You saved my life. I am eternally grateful.' – The Aliens in Toy Story!

''We could get a cat!' – reference to Spot of course, and the cat Tasha had cared for as a girl.

''…to go fornicate with himself?' – a reference to Blackadder II ('I'll just tell them to fornicate off'). Ever since I decided to have a meeting between the human Data and Riker, I wanted Data to say something incredibly rude to Riker, which would delight him no end.

The side note about Deanna's reaction to discussing sex with Data is so gratuitous! It's got no purpose in the plot at all, and probably isn't quite in character, but I just couldn't resist it, since he's the sort of person who, were you his friend, would probably be very easy to forget that he had any sort of sex life. I got a mental image of her zoning out as he chatters away to her about something-or-other, only tuning back in when he uses a very clinical sexual term and being shocked. And I deliberately made how she'd come by the knowledge about him and Tasha vague because I couldn't decide how that had happened. Maybe the evidence that had come up in the hearing had been made accessible, maybe Picard or Riker, or even Data himself had confided it in her as a Counsellor after Measure of a Man, perhaps even Tasha confided in her as a friend or a Counsellor before she died. You decide!

Similarly, I can't decide who's in the right in that argument – maybe they're both a bit wrong, and a bit right. Deanna's probably got the higher ground, mind. I wasn't expecting Data to give her that little kiss-off line and flounce out in a huff, though – I was as surprised and delighted as she was!

Lieutenant Blackburn – this doesn't mean that the events of 'Harmonica' take place three months after the end of this story. In fact, I'd place this story somewhere around S4-6 of the show, since I don't think 'The Descent' has happened yet. I've decided to make Gladys Blackburn a bit of an in-joke, because I liked her name… whenever Geordi has an off-screen date, it may as well be with Gladys!