GUESS WHO GOT THE NEW CHAPTER~ Long time no type, you wonderful readers you. Did you miss us? I hope you did, and I'd like to formally appologize for the 10 month wait. As usual, it was one of those "Allen took forever writing the chapter because Road didn't remind him and then when she got the finished thing, she never uploaded it" situations. But what's new?

Anyway, if I remember correctly...*Checks*...this was one of love'sunny'side'up's ideas that s/he left in a review. It's quite different from Allen's normal writing style, which I think you'll notice, but it should be just as hilarious, or at leas make you read it over a few times to try and understand. xD

Also, I have some announcements, so please read them at the end. For now, enjoy!

What if Kanda wore a wig?

One morning Kanda was finishing his soba noodles when Reaver sprinted into the cafeteria carrying what appeared to be a paper copy of every receipt for every transaction ever performed by General Cross (the geeks in the science department are still trying to figure out how he managed to carry it). He hobbled over to Kanda and, peering around his monolith, eyed Kanda with obvious exhaustion. "Komui wants you in his office…" he managed to get out between pants, "something about a possible Akuma infestation in Mother Russia." After that, he stumbled off towards the accounting center.

Kanda was slightly more irritated then he had been previously, but the change was undetectable to all but the most trained eye. He stormed down the hall to Komui's office where he found the director in his usual place (collapsed on his desk in a pile of official papers awaiting approval) and went through the five minute ritual of waking him which always ended in a ridiculous lie about Lenalee and an equally ridiculous reaction from the head officer. Once the head officer had been stabilized (a good smack to the head took care of that) he shuffled through his documents and found the mission document in question before chucking it at Kanda and leaning back in his chair as a counter balance to his feet, which he placed squarely on his desk with a complete disregard for the precarious piles of documents and applications carpeting the entire office.

"Well everything's there," he said as he adjusted his beret. "Any questions?"

"What do you think, baka," Kanda snapped. "You haven't explained anything yet!"

"Well what do you need to know?"

"How about where I'm going and why, for a start."

"Oh, that's easy. You are going to Siberia, to a small, isolated town. Embedded finders have reported a giant increase in the number of unsolved murders and unexplained deaths. It is probably safe to assume the increase corresponds with an increase in the Earl's activities in the region. Now we just have to figure out why. We can hypothesize that he choose that particular area for its isolation, but besides that the only other explanation is the presence of innocence which has failed to make itself known to us. Any other questions?"

"Ya. Why the hell couldn't you have told me this first?"

"Because you didn't ask! Duh."

Kanda sighed and rested his hand on his hilt. "One more question. Why me?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why am I going? Can't you just send Bean sprout or someone?"

"Oh, because your heart matches the temperature of the environment where you are headed. Good bye."

Before Kanda could respond with a deadly blow to the head, the floor dropped out from underneath him, resulting in the traditional comic flailing of arms followed by a long string of profanities.

"Ah… the joys of trapdoors…"

To say Kanda was pissed is to say the Atlantic Ocean is damp. After a quick trip out of the order via the underground canal system, he boarded an east bound train towards Siberia, where he reflected on the extent of his hate for the Head of the Black Order. He spent a good ten hours reflecting on that subject then progressed to how much he hated Bean sprout and how much he wished he wasn't headed to the most desolate place on earth. He spent the final two hours of his trip moping about his private compartment, sighing and whining about how much his life sucked and how he wanted to be back home and anywhere but the train. Then he arrived and realized Siberia was about twice as boring as he expected.

There was no apparent Akuma activity based on the five hours he spent freezing his ass off on the roof. There was no "hidden innocence" based on the actions of the town's people and the surrounding environment. There was absolutely no abnormality to speak of. Or so he thought…

The cold was beginning to permeate through his outer layers of thermal clothing. had been sitting on the same rooftop for several hours well into the night. His meditative techniques worked well for the first couple of hours, until the cold reached his bones and he could no longer feel the cold (or his ass, or his face, or his… well, you get the idea), but there is only so much numbness one can endure before they start to feel, well, numb. The feeling of cold was just beginning to cause on set sleepiness when there was sudden flash of darkness, like an explosion of light except it sucked in light instead of emitting it; which, of course, could mean only one thing: dark matter.

In two seconds, Kanda shifted from the meditative position assumed by so many Buddhist monks to a crouched position, his center of balance placed precariously on his tip toes and his hand resting on Mugen's hilt, ready to strike down anything in his way. As he watched, a black vortex formed in the epicenter of the flash of darkness. From said portal, a ghostly figure emerged, ripping through the fabric of reality like cheese cloth. A single claw, then a foot, then a head exited the portal. Soon a full blown serpent, with wings of darkness and horns of twisted bone was present in the back alley. Evidently, Kanda's original assessment of the situation was flawed and incomplete. There was in fact an Akuma infestation and it was therefore his responsibility to take care of it.

He stared at the Akuma, which seemed to be the above mentioned grey dragon, but it moved in ways that repulsed even the laws of physics themselves. From the depths of what we will call its 'abdomen' a guttural shriek (something that does not occur naturally for a reason) erupted and echoed off the walls. The shriek began to change pitch and tone and began to fluctuate rhythmically until audible words formed:

"'Twas brilling, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean," the exorcist muttered under his breath.

The liquid-abomination-dragon (or whatever it was) continued:

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"

"Now I know he's just trying to tick me off with that gibberish," Kanda groaned in a slightly more audible tone. But apparently others' reactions to the 'gibberish' were nearly opposite to the young exorcist's. From every doorway on the small cobbled road, people in various states of dress stumbled out of their homes and into the street. It was like Night of the Living Dead with less "BRAINS!" and more dancing, like the Pied-Piper on a bad trip. At this point, Kanda decided it was more important to keep the imminent human flesh feast from occurring than it was to learn more about the opponent.

Kanda gripped his sword and in one shot leaped off the roof of the building and drew his blade, fully invocated, from the sheath. As he flew through the air, he barreled past the target, leaving a gash down the unidentifiable creature's side. "Hey, Bozo," he said as he touched down behind the Akuma, "how would you like another taste of my Mugen?"

But the creature just smiled. It smiled, and then smiled wider and wider, until the toothy grin took up an unnaturally large percentage of its face. The horrible abomination of a shriek began again:

"He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long tome the manxome foe he sought –
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought."

"And just what the hell is that supposed to mean?" the exorcist screamed in rage brandishing his blade.

"And, as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!"

As the words vibrated off the cavernous walls of the buildings, every single dancing zombie turned toward Kanda in the wired, simultaneous way that only a true brainwashed zombie can. It seemed completely hopeless, what with a sea of innocent civilian zombies that could not be killed with a clear conscience, when a familiar voice sounded from the rooftops.

"Hey Yu-chan!" Lavi called down from the rooftop. "Looks like you could use a hand…or a hammer!" The orange haired boy lifted his oversized hammer into the air and a series of glowing kanjis began to circle the head of the weapon. With an overly dramatic swing, he brought the head down through one of the symbols and slammed it against the ground. "Wood stamp!" he yelled. Almost instantly, a strong wind began to blow through the cobbled chasm, which annoyed and confused the crap out of the zombies and the Akuma. But it also had one other unintended consequence. Kanda got really pissed off. Not because the wind was whipping about his coat, which it was, or because he was now trapped in the middle of a potential zombie stampede, which he was, but because the wind began to whip his hair around, before it blew off.

That's right, you read correctly: off. Completely off, all in one piece. It flew down the street, whipping around like a leaf. Where his hair once stood was a shiny, cue ball-like dome of pure, untainted flesh.

Well of course Lavi couldn't contain himself after that. He burst into laughter and practically fell of the roof, eliciting a similar response from the Akuma who was controlling the entire population of the small town in the middle of freaking nowhere (which of course meant that the brain washed zombies were also laughing hysterically). Of course Kanda would have none of this. He and his shiny cue ball head leapt high into the air, brought his sword in front of him, and swung it in a wide ark while growling "First illusion: Hell Insects!" The creatures burst forth from the slashed air and drilled towards the demonic—

But we won't bore you with the details. Let it suffice to say that Kanda ripped the Akuma to shreds, and then proceeded to do the same to Lavi. Believe it or not, something good actually came out of this: Lavi stopped calling Kanda 'Yu', but he switched to 'Cue ball' so I think we can classify this as a 'lose-lose' situation (Kanda lost his dignity and Lavi lost his only remaining eye).

And that's it. Now for announcements:

So, it's pretty obvious that Allen and I are way too buzy and too damn lazy, respectively, to write chapters very fast for you. It took me several times of reminding Allen to write, meaning he obviously can't support it without reminders and because of his busy-ness. I would write the stories myself, but since I haven't been creative with this since the third chapter, and you all seem to really like Allen's style, I'd like this to stay as much his as it can and won't intervene. And let me let you know: the only reason I remembered to tell Allen to update this is because you were all reviewing! Reviewing = more chapters. I'm not even joking. You are what fuels us! Please keep reading and giving us reviews and reminding us not to be lazy! (On my side, coughcough.)

So, basically, that's just a heads-up that without reviews and/or some way of interacting with the fic other than just clicking the title and reading it, we won't update and you will be sad. I hope. Sorta. So please, subscribe to us, or the fic, or drop a review! I'll try my hardest ot get Allen to write, and he'll try his hardest to make the best chapters he can make!

Idea by 'love'sunny'side'up; Written by Allen; Edited by Awa; Published by Road

Awa would be a good friend of ours, who Allen had edit the fic this time around. She has an account, I'm just too lazy to go find it...Anyway, CC is loved, like always, and so are just one-word reviews like "Cool". Flames, however, will be used to burn the things that we hate - except people. No killing people. D: