Title: Smash Wars
Category: Games » Super Smash Brothers
Author: Pikazilla
Language: English, Rating: Rated: T
Genre: Humor/Sci-Fi
Published: 03-28-08, Updated: 03-29-09
Chapters: 30, Words: 14,365
Chapter 1: Intro
The classic crossover fight has now become a reality
The classic crossover fight has now become a reality. MARIO VS SONIC!
Or Sonic vs Mario.
Or whatever the you like to call it.
Luckily, Ssbb is not as inaccurate and stupid as an Olympic game, so there's no way Bowser can outrun Sonic characters or other crap like that.
Mario: Mama mia!
(Sonic is throwing smart bombs at Mario)
Sonic: I got to admit, Nintendo comes up with some weird but effective items.
(Sonic throws one last smart bomb, but it is a dud)
Mario: Hmm?
Sonic: Uh… What just happened?
(Sonic and Mario look closely at the bomb, but the bomb explodes accidentally. Both fighters are sent flying but land on the stage)
Sonic: Damn it!
Mario: Mama mia, you can't swear!
Sonic: What do mean, I swear all the time in my recent games. One of my games was rated T.
Mario: Well, that's what makes you suck-ah.
Sonic: Uh, no. It makes me cool. Finally, someone can play a videogame where the characters are as mature as their ages. Where the enemies are robots with chain guns and missiles. Yet you're a middle aged, overweight plumber who saves a dumb blonde princess that always gets captured by a giant turtle with an army that anyone can beat. What kind of army uses brown mushrooms that die when you jump on their skulls? Real armies use tanks and rifles. Bowser's army uses turtles that throw hammers.
Mario: Well, I still-ah save an entire kingdom. What do you save?
Sonic: Uh, the world. My badguy, Eggman, use weapons that are the size of the moon to try and rule the world. Although they're all a big rip off of the Death-Star, you have to give him some credit.
Mario: What's a Death-Star?
Sonic: You know, from Star Wars.
Mario: What's-ah Star Wars?
Sonic: (confused) You… never herd of Star Wars?
Mario: Not before today.
Sonic: Dude, you have a lot to learn. Let me start at the beginning. The first film, which is called the 4th film but is technically the first in the series, was created during the beginning of disco, 1977.
The Starwars intro appears as Pikachu sings the intro song.
Pii, Pii, Pikapii pii, pii, pikapii pii, pii, pika-achu.
Pii, Pii, Pikapii pii, pii, pikapii pii, pii, pika-achu.
Pii pika pika...
Mario: Ok pika, you can shut up now.
Chapter 2: Episode 4 Tantive 4
Episode 4 Tantive 4
C3PO-Sandbag
R2D2-Rob
Leia-Zelda
Stormtroopers-Alloys
Darth Vader-Meta Knight
It was a time when the universe was ruled by an evil dictator, similar to Nazi Germany without the Jews. Obviously, an empire like this is really hated, so a rebellion, that doesn't got a hope in hell of winning, was created. Some spoiled rotten princess whore stole some valuable information from the evil empire 'cause she was a rebel too. Although she's hot, remember that she's a hateful bitch. After insulting the empire with a yo mama joke, they attacked her with no mercy. She was escaping in a large spaceship until the empire found her. The empire's army fought the rebel army on the ship.
C3PO/Sandbag R2, why am I a punching bag?
R2/Rob You don't want to know, but you'll find out eventually.
Sandbag Hey R2, look! They are shooting at each other in this hallway. I dare you to walk through the crossfire.
Rob Only if you do too.
For some reason, these two robots walked right in-between a volley of laser blasts.
Sandbag Hey R2, do you know where the bathroom is? I need to find the shower 'cause my head is on fire. Laser blasts are hot and sandbags are flammable.
Rob It's down the hall! Now do you mind, I'm with the princess.
Sandbag Fine, I'm going.
Leia/Zelda Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi; you're my only hope.
Rob Oh yeah, he's your only hope. You do realize that you command most of the rebel army, right?
Zelda Well, he is a jedi.
Rob He's retired. Plus, he's a hippie. He's always like, 'don't kill your evil, arch rival or you'll turn evil' or 'lets not fight these guys even though we can beat the crap out of them'.
Zelda I know what I'm doing! Just go in an escape pod.
While the robots run away, the leader of the empire's army, Darth Vader, walks on the ship.
Darth Vader/Meta Knight You know what; I just realized that I could have used my lightsaber and my coolness to kill all these guys without losing any of my men.
Yellow Alloy Sir, you are really dim.
Meta Knight Hey, shut up or my glowing sword will chop you up like sushi.
For some reason, there were a few rebels still alive, even though the empire's army was supposed to kill them all.
Meta Knight Uh, why is this guy still alive? I TOLD YOU GUYS TO KILL THE REBELS! Why is this guy still alive? Forget it, I'll finish him off.
I guess my version of the story might not be entirely accurate, but it is cooler. Since Meta Knight is like 2ft tall, he's trying to jump in the air and choke this rebel. After realizing that his hand is too small to choke him, he trips the rebel and jumps on his throat to try and choke him.
Meta Knight Now, tell me. Where are the secret plans?
Green Alloy Sir, I think you accidentally killed him.
Meta Knight My bad.
Red Alloy Also, why didn't you force choke him?
Meta Knight I have my reasons!
Yellow Sir I found the princess.
Meta Knight sees Zelda.
Meta Knight Hey baby, you look sexy. Do you find me sexy?
Zelda Shut up.
Meta Knight Whoa, don't be mean to me. The Chicas like my 'sword'.
Yellow Sir, what about the plans?
Meta Knight Oh, right. Where are the plans?
Zelda I don't know what you're talking about.
Meta Knight Oh yeah? Take her to the prison.
Red Which one?
Meta Knight The one with the raping tentacle beast in the trash compactor. That will teach her.
As they steal the princess, the robots escape in an escape pod.
Green Sir look. An escape pod!
Red Hold your fire. There's no life forms aboard.
Green Can I still shoot it?
Red No, we'll be wasting our lasers.
Green Aren't lasers solar powered?
Red I don't know. Besides, it's out of range now.
Green I SO want to kill your ass.
Sandbag Hey R2, I just realized… are there parachutes in here?
Rob No….
Sandbag So, how do we slow down the pod once it enters the atmosphere?
Rob We don't.
Sandbag WHAT THE !
Chapter 3: Episode 4 Tatooine
Episode 4-Tatooine
C3PO Sandbag
R2D2 Rob
Jawas Waddle Dees
The two robots arrive on the planet by somehow crash-landing from space
Sandbag How did that crash not kill us?
Rob I don't know. Look, let's just go.
Rob walks away.
Sandbag Wait, where are you going?
Rob We need to find Obi Wan, right? That's what I'm doing.
Sandbag Well, I got a map of Tatooine and it says there's a town north from here.
Rob Well, which way is north?
Sandbag I don't know.
Rob You would think robots like us would have something that would help us travel around the galaxy. The only thing we have is a paper map.
Sandbag Wait, don't you have a wireless internet on your computer?
Rob Oh right! I'll check Google Earth.
Sandbag What? Why Google Earth? We are on Tatooine!
Rob Well, there's no Google Tatooine now is there...
Sandbag Well, lets just walk until we find some town.
Sandbag walks away.
Sandbag Are you coming?
Rob No way, I'm not following you.
Sandbag Why?
Rob Remember when you took a right turn at Albuquerque? We eventually ended up on Hoth. We were trying to find the Twi'lek strip club on Cloud City.
Sandbag Well, I know where I'm going.
Rob Screw you. You know what, I'm gonna change my job after this mission ends. I'll become a famous actor and will be the star of a new Pixar movie. You can call me Wall E while I call you a piece of shit.
The droids walk away from each other. Rob eventually walks between two mountains.
Rob Man, this is boring. I need a smoke. Wait, what was that?
A little alien, called a Jawa, shoots R2 with a laser blaster.
Waddle Doo Ok, lets bring him back to our big ass car.
Waddle Dee I don't know how this is so easy.
As for C3PO, he was walking in the desert too, seeing nothing but a skeleton of a dead dragon.
Sandbag Oh just great, a giant skeleton. It looks like a dinosaur or dragon or something. But what is able to kill this creature… obviously something that can kill me.
C3PO then sees a vehicle about a half a mile away from him.
Sandbag Hey, there's a giant car over there. Maybe these friendly locals can help me find Obi Wan. I hope that they are peaceful.
C3PO quickly gets captured by the same jawas that captured R2.
Chapter 4: Episode 4 Buying the Droids
C3PO Sandbag
R2D2 Rob
R5D4 American Rob (blue color)
Jawas Waddle Dees
Wolf Owen Lars
Jigglypuff Beru Whitesun Lars
Link Luke
The Jawas were selling the droids to some poor farming family. I don't see how they could afford high tech robots.
Waddle Dee Ok, stand right here.
Rob You son of a bitch. I have equal right like everyone else! Wait, where's 3tpo?
Waddle Dee That sandbag?
A munchlax appears. The munchlax pukes out 3tpo.
Sandbag WHY DO I ALWAYS GET EATENED?
The munchlax eats a smartbomb and explodes.
Sandbag Haha!
Two farmers, Owen Lars and his nephew, Luke Skywalker, are talking to the Jawas.
Wolf So, if I buy the droid, can I sell it back to you for a refund.
Waddle Dee Well, you'll get store credit…
Wolf Ok…
Jigglypuff Luke!
Link What is it?
Jigglypuff Tell Uncle Owens to get a translating droid that speaks bitchy.
Link If you want someone who talks bitchy, go to cousin Ashley's house from down the street. Besides, I don't think we have many choices.
Wolf Luke! Take these two droids and clean them up, they smell like shit.
Link But I was going to go to Mcdonalds to pick up some hamburgers with my friends.
Wolf After your chores are done.
Link Ok, there's the punching bag. Uh, which other robot do you want?
Rob Pick me! Pick me!
Wolf No, we don't want the red Japanese robot, we want the blue American robot.
American Rob Hell yeah! Up yours Asian man.
3tpo walks away with another droid. The droid plays the song 'So happy together' by the Turtles.
Rob YOU MOTHER XXXXIN' PIECE OF SHIT!
When no one was looking, R2 blew up the other robot with a laser blast.
Link Uncle Owens! This droid is on fire!
Wolf Hey, WHAT THE HELL?
Waddle Dee We are not responsible for any unfortunate accidents.
Wolf Screw you!
Sandbag Hey, what about the Japanese droid next to it? I know him, he's in fine condition.
Wolf Fine, we'll take him.
Rob Booyah!
Sandbag You owe me big time.
Chapter 5: Episode 4 Help me obi wan
C3PO Sandbag
C3PO Sandbag
R2D2 Rob
Link Luke
Zelda Leia
At Luke's house, 3tpo is taking an oil bath while Luke repairs R2D2.
Link Man, you really needed a bath.
Sandbag Well, I get a little messy when I hang out with women, if you know what I mean…
Link Well, the only thing fun to do around here is traveling, hiking and shooting Womp Rats.
Rob You shoot rats for fun?
Link And meat.
Rob Disgusting!
Sandbag Uh, Luke… are you a trained mechanic?
Luke Well, I'm a poor farmer boy living in the desert… I had no training, but I think I know what I'm doing.
Luke accidentally activates R2's Windows Media Player. Leia's video plays.
Zelda Help me Obi wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.
Link Who is that hot chick?
Rob Uh, it's nothing!
Link She is so sexy!
Rob I told you, it's nothing!
R2 turns off the video.
Link Ah… I wanted to see the sexy chick. Wait, did she say Obi wan Kenobi?
Rob You know him?
Link No, it's just a funny name, sounds Asian. Obi Wan. But there is an old man name Ben Kenobi. Must be his grandfather or something…
Rob You don't say…
Link Yeah, he lives north from here.
Rob Really… Well, look at the time, it's bed time!
Link It's 2:00pm.
Rob So?
Link I'm not going to sleep now.
Rob Fine, I'll wait.
During nightfall, R2D2 runs away to try and find Obi Wan.
Link THAT SON OF A BITCH!
Chapter 6: Episode 4 Sandpeople
C3PO Sandbag
C3PO Sandbag
R2D2 Rob
Link Luke
Goombas as Sandpeople
Lucario as Obi Wan
Luke and C3PO travel across the desert, trying to find R2D2. They are driving a landspeeder, a type of high speed hovercraft.
Sandbag Can I turn on the radio?
Link No…
Sandbag Please?
Link No.
Sandbag PLEASE?
Link NO!
Sandbag Oh, come on!
Link Why don't you play your DS Lite or something?
Sandbag I don't use DS, I have a PSP.
Luke stares at him.
Link You suck…
Sandbag So, what about…
Link FINE! Listen to the radio!
Sandbag listens to Piano Man.
Sandbag Piano man! Yeah!
Link Is that Billy Joel? Piece of crap…
Sandbag Hey! He's not that bad!
Link I just hate his songs.
Sandbag Oh, come on!
Link You can listen to Uptown Girl… but that's it!
Sandbag Yes! Love that song.
Eventually, Luke finds R2D2.
Rob Why do all my navigation problems happens when I'm in Albuquerque? Take a left turn, I end up in Japan. Take a right, I'm in a Bull Fighting coliseum. I still remember when the bull shoved his horn up my…
Link ASSHOLE! Don't run away from me ever again!
Rob Look, the 13th amendment clearly states that all forms of slavery are illegal.
Link Well, you're not a human.
Rob So? What the hell does that mean?
Link Well, other aliens are used as slaves. Do you know how many female Twi'lek sex slaves there are on this planet alone?
Rob You know what, you're right. I should give you more respect… in fact, here's some good advice for you… GO XXXX YOURSELF!
Sandbag Hey R2, this guy hates the PSP.
Rob No freakin' way.
Link Well, the DS has cool games, like New Super Mario Bros or The Legend of Zelda:Phantom Hourglass.
Rob Well, PSP has GTA, Sonic Rivals and Star Wars Battlefront.
Sandbag Oh, I love Star Wars games.
Link Me too, they relate to my life in more ways than one. Wait, what was that?
Luke climbs up a cliff and sees a furry giant Ox looking thing.
Link I see a bantha, but I don't… wait, there's one. What's the sandperson doing here?
As Luke looked at the Sandperson in the distance, another one sneaks up on Luke. He jumps up and roars.
Link Why do you sound like a donkey?
Goomba Because I am a jackass, no pun intended.
The tusken raider...
Mario What's a tusken raider?
Sonic That's the real name of the sandpeople. Tusken raider is their real name while sandperson is a nickname. Now don't interrupt my story.
The tusken raider knocks out Luke with his spear, club, looking thing. However, someone in a hood makes an annoying, loud, screeching sound.
Lucario Get away from him, you bitch!
Goomba Oh holy Sh…
After beating the crap out of the tusken raider, he sends Luke back to his house.
Chapter 7: Episode 4 Meeting Obi Wan
Sandbag C3PO
Rob R2D2
Link Luke
Lucario Obi Wan
Zelda Leia
Link You're famous across the universe and yet you live in a little hut?
Lucario I have my reasons. What was your father's name?
Link Anakin Skywalker… why?
Lucario Oh, I remember him… he fought in the clone wars.
Link He was a navigator. He was no warrior.
Lucario No, that's what your uncle wanted to hear.
Link How do you know?
Lucario I was once a Jedi knight like your father. He was a badass warrior. He was a good friend. We watched so many porn, I mean, comedy movies, yeah... Oh wait, I have something for you.
Sandbag I'm gonna sleep while you tell Luke some valuable information that I should know about.
Link Ok…
C3PO falls asleep. Lucario pulls out a lightsaber.
Link Is that a lightsaber?
Lucario No, it's a beam sword.
Link Is there a difference?
Lucario I don't want to get sued for copyrighting. It's an elegant weapon and can kick some ass.
Luke tries out the lightsaber for a few seconds before turning it off.
Link How did my father die?
Lucario One of my pupils, Darth Vader, became a powerful jedi, but turned evil. Darth Vader betrayed everyone he knew and killed your father. I repeat, he killed your father. Your father is 100 dead and Darth Vader killed him. The reason for this was because Darth Vader was sent to the darkside of the aura.
Link Don't you mean force?
Lucario Aura, force, same thing… It's the energy created by all living things. Surrounds us, penetrates us and rapes us.
Rob That's nice and all, but I still have that video.
Lucario Well, lets see it.
R2 gets the wrong tape…
Mario(fake) Hey Peach, you know why they call me… the PLUMBER? We're gonna have fun with this thing.
Rob Opps. Wrong video…
Mario (real) Mama mia, what the hell was that?
Sonic Well, maybe if you gave me more respect in the smash bros series, I wouldn't be so pissed off at you.
Mario What do you mean more respect?
Sonic I'm only in the subspace mode for 10 seconds, I only have one stage, and more importantly, I only have one playable character, me. What the hell? At least make Shadow or Tails playable.
Mario Well, if your games didn't suck, then we would reconsider.
Sonic My games suck? Do I have to remind you how terrible your games are? The storylines never change, you're always saving Peach from Bowser in every major game you had.
Mario You suck
Sonic You suck
Mario You suck donkey ass.
Sonic No, I suck my girlfriend's…
Mario Mama Mia! Wait, really?
Sonic Uh, no… Actually, we haven't had a committed relationship… You know what! Back to the story! Back to the story.
Zelda General Kenobi, years ago, you fought with my father in the clone wars. However, I don't know who my father is; I know I can trust you. My ship is under attack and I can't send you to Alderaan. I placed important information inside this robot. You must send this droid to Alderaan too. Don't worry, I'm sure the Empire wouldn't attack Alderaan, the planet will be fine, but we still need as much help as possible. Help me Obi wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.
(Long pause)
Link Isn't she hot?
Lucario Yeah… Listen, you must learn the ways of the aura too. You will help me save Alderaan. I'm too old for this…
Link What do you mean, you don't look old…
Lucario I'm at least 250years old, I think I should retire.
Link But, you look so young…
Lucario Well, being trapped in a scepter apparently doesn't make you age.
Link Scepter?
Lucario Did you see my movie?
Link No.
Lucario Of course, no one gives a crap about new pokemon movies.
Link Well, I won't help you. I need to go back home, my uncle will kill me if I don't get back to work.
Lucario Don't you hate the Empire?
Link Yeah, those Nazis should burn in hell!
Rob Nazis?
Link Yeah, they're Nazis, right? They have storm troopers, so they are Nazis.
Lucario Uh, those are different storm troopers.
Link Well, I need to go back home!
Luke rides his car back home.
Chapter 8: Episode 4 Deathstar meeting
After meeting Obi Wan, the commanders of the Death Star were trying to find the rebels
Dedede as Wilhuff Tarkin
Meta Knight as Vader
Ancient Minister as Conan Motti
Squirtle as Kendal Ozzel
After meeting Obi Wan, the commanders of the Death Star were trying to find the rebels.
Meta Knight I repeat, why is the thermal exhaust port the number one weak spot of the Deathstar?
Ancient Minister Well, if someone shoots an explosive in that 2meter wide hole, then… umm… the entire 100mile wide battle station explodes.
Meta Knight Ok, Ok… that's good… WTF? What dumb ass made that design flaw?
Dedede Uh… It wasn't me… no, no, it wasn't me.
Meta Knight And what about the rebels? The droids carrying blueprints of this battle station have yet to be found. They can find the weak spot!
Ancient Minister No, they won't attack this battle station; it's too large and badass! Since this station is so damn powerful, I suggest that we use it.
Meta Knight Please… even this manmade planet isn't as strong and deadly as the powah of the force.
Ancient Minister The force? Don't give us that load of shit again. The force is nothing but your imagination. The jedi religion is all but gone, and I suggest that you study an actually religion that isn't a bunch of bullcrap. Did the force recapture our plans yet? Did it find the rebel base yet? No! Why don't you take Christianity or something with logic instead of that prehistoric religion, after…
Vader uses force choke to choke Conan Motti.
Meta Knight I find your lack in the force disturbing. It's more disturbing than eating the Pizza from Domino's, I would rather go to Little Caesars.
Ancient Minister He's cho-king my li-mb-less bo-dy. Help!
Dedede That's enough, Vader, release him!
Meta Knight Oh come on, I want to kill him!
Dedede You can choke Kendal Oz in the sequel.
Squirtle What?
Meta Knight Fine…
Vader releases him.
Ancient Minister (tired) You better burn in hell, you bitch.
Dedede Well, we still have the Princess, we can ask her where the base is before her execution.
Meta Knight I guess so, but she doesn't seem to be trusting. I doubt that she'll tell the truth.
Dedede Well, if our IT-O interrogator droid doesn't work, I have a backup. We're going to Alderaan.
Meta Knight Sweet, a vacation!
Dedede No, idiot. If she won't tell us the information, we'll destroy the planet.
Meta Knight But I want to hang around the beach with the sexy ladies.
Ancient Minister I heard that every country on that planet allow nude beaches.
Meta Knight Well, are there female only nude beaches?
Ancient Minister Yeah, but you can't go on those beaches, you're not a girl.
Meta Knight I know how to outsmart them.
Dedede For the last time, we're blowing up the planet! You can have your vacations somewhere else.
Meta Knight You old bastard…
Chapter 9: Episode 4 Dead family
While the Death Star commanders were talking about unimportant crap, Luke and his friends found a group of dead Jawas
Sandbag C3PO
Rob R2D2
Link Luke
Lucario Obi Wan
While driving back home Luke and his friends found a group of dead Jawas. Obi Wan (Ben) investigates the massacre.
Rob Holy shit.
Link Wait. These Jawas are the ones who sold me the droids. Ben, what are you doing.
Lucario Sandpeople don't have a lot of blasters, they need to conserve their ammo. These blasts were numerous but accurate. Also, the tracks are spread out. Sandpeople walk in a strait line to hide their numbers. These were stormtroopers.
Sandbag Nazis!
Lucario Wrong stormtroopers.
Link But why attack them?
Lucario They must knew about the droids.
Link If the Empire is looking for them, they could trace them back to the people they sold it to like my family back home. Home? Wait, OMG!
Lucario Luke, come back, it's too dangerous.
Link Like staying here and waiting to get killed by sandpeople is any different.
Lucario I told you, stormtroopers killed these jawas.
Link Whatever…
Luke finds his house on fire and his uncle and aunt turned into skeletons.
Link No… No! My home, my family, my porn movies! NOOOOOOOOOO!
Luke comes back and sees R2 and C3PO burning the corpses.
Link What are you doing?
Sandbag Cremation.
Link Can you put the fire out later?
Rob Maybe…
Lucario So, how was the trip?
Link THOSE MOTHER XXXXING TROOPERS KILLED MY FAMILY!
Lucario Hey, look at the bright side, you're not dead, and if you guys didn't look for me, the droids would have been captured by the Empire and the Rebels will have no hope for winning.
Link (pause)I wish to go with you to Alderaan. I want to kick the Empire's ass!
Lucario Lets go to Mos Eisley, we can find someone who can help us get to Alderaan.
The heroes walk to their car.
Link Wait, R2! Douse the flames.
Rob Oh yeah, my bad.
Chapter 10: Episode 1 Flashback Maul
Lucario I remember when I lost someone very important to me… Qui-Gon Jinn.
Sandbag Is he Asian?
Lucario No! But I remember the last fight we were in. It was against Darth Maul, an emo with tattoos all over his body.
Link Wait, are you going to do a flashback?
Lucario Yes. Flashback time!
Mario What do you mean flashback?
Sonic I'm not gonna do all 6 movies, but I will mention important events from each one.
Mario Can't we skip…
Sonic Damn it Mario, you're going to listen whether you like it or not!
Now for the flashback.
Pit So, we meet again Darth Maul.
Wario Oh, it's you guys. How should I kick your ass this time?
Lucario Don't underestimate us. The power of our friendship will surpass your skills.
Wario Power of your friendship? Gay.
Pit Yeah, I might have to agree.
Lucario Hey!
Wario Enough talk; beware of my double bladed lightsaber.
Darth Maul fights both Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi wan. They eventually walk on top of a bridge.
Lucario How do you not accidentally cut yourself with that? It's a double bladed sword and you're swinging with it like crazy.
Wario Cause I'm cool man.
Lucario falls off of the bridge and lands on a lower bridge.
Lucario You kicked me! You kicked me right in the face!
Pit Obi Wan, you must recover!
Qui-Gon punches Darth Maul off of the bridge and on to another bridge.
Lucario What, now are we fist-fighting? What ever happened to the lightsaber fighting? And why are there so many bridges here?
Obi wan jumps onto the bridge that Darth Maul is on.
Lucario Hey! Wait for me!
Darth Maul and Queer-Gon enter a hallway. While fighting, a group of plasma shields surrounds the area. The fighting temporarily stops.
Wario What's with these freaking shields?
10 minutes later, the shields turn off. The fight continues. Obi wan tries to run through, but the shields turn back on, blocking his path.
Lucario WHAT DUMBASS CREATED THESE SHIELDS IN THE FIRST PLACE?
As Qui-Gon fights, Darth Maul farts in his face.
Pit Ah, nasty!
Wario Hehe…
Darth Maul stabs Qui-Gon in the chest.
Lucario NOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOO! Oh god, no! No….
Wario Will you shut up? I'll kill you anyways.
As Obi Wan gets pissed off, the shields are disabled and he fights Darth Maul. Obi Wan destroys one half of Maul's double bladed saber, but the match still continues. Darth Maul kicks Obi wan in the face.
Lucario ENOUGH WITH THE KICKING!
Maul uses force push to knock Obi Wan into a bottomless pit. However, Obi Wan is hanging on a ledge. Obi wan's lightsaber falls down the pit.
Lucario Why does every video game have a bottomless pit?
Wario Wow, that was easy. Well, you can either fall, or jump back up here with no lightsaber and try to fight me.
Lucario Crap, what should I do?
Pit (flashback) You must recover…
Wario Don't try to fight me, it's madness.
Lucario Madness?
Obi wan uses force pull to grab Qui-Gon's lightsaber.
Lucario This is SPARTA!
Obi wan slices Darth Maul. Maul falls down the abyss.
Wario NO! AH! Oh shit, I'm cut in half! Stupid 300 Spartans jokes! AHHhhhh….
Pit I'm dying
Lucario No, that's not true…
Pit I'm growing angel wings.
Lucario You already had them before.
Pit Well, I'm growing a halo.
Lucario Son of a bitch!
Pit Obi-Wan, promise... Promise me you will train the boy.
Lucario I hate kids, but ok. I'll train him.
Pit He is the chosen one. He will bring balance. He will be a hero across the universe. He'll never turn to the dark side. Train him.
Obi wan cries right before he steals his teacher's wallet.
Lucario He had a girlfriend?
Pit Well, she's dead now.
Lucario You're still alive.
Pit But I'm still dying.
Qui-Gon dies two minutes later.
Flashback over.
Rob Who was he talking about?
Lucario What?
Rob The boy you trained.
Lucario Oh, it was Darth Vader.
Link Wow, big mistake in training him…
Lucario Yup. Big mistake.
Chapter 11: Episode 4 Unnecessary Scene
Unnecessary Scene
Unnecessary Scene
Leia-Zelda
Darth Vader-Meta Knight
Despite Luke losing his family, princess Leia was having even more trouble. Darth Vader put the princess in the prison inside his secret space station, The Death Star. Having a spoiled princess inside a prison can be pretty crazy.
Darth Vader/Meta Knight Ok royal pain, get your fat, sexy ass out of bed.
Leia/Zelda You call this a bed? It has no sheets, it's made out of metal, is this a way to treat a princess?
Meta Knight You are a prisoner and a member of the rebel alliance. I'll treat you like how I treat my sister, like crap. Now where are the rebels?
Zelda Up yours you bastard. Go FXXX yourself.
Meta Knight Ok, that's it! Send in the raping, floating, ball robot.
Vader sent a robot into the room. The door closes in front of the camera, but if you listen closely, you can hear what's happening.
Zelda NO! NO! N…. oh yeah, that's the ticket.
Meta Knight What the? Wait, you're enjoying this aren't you? How do I torture this 20 whore?
Chapter 12: Episode 4 Mos Eisley
Luke drives through Mos Eisley.
Link Why is this place so popular? It's a dump.
Lucario Well, that's why criminals go here. It's the largest piece of crap on this planet. That's why no one else goes here.
Four stormtroopers stop their car.
Red Alloy How long have you had these droids?
Link About a month, or something…
Lucario They're for sale if you want them. We start the bid at 20,000 dollars.
Sandbag What?
Red Not interested. Show us your identification.
Lucario You don't need to see our identification.
Red We don't need to see our identification.
Lucario These aren't the droids you're looking for.
Red These aren't the droids we're looking for.
Lucario You will give me 50 dollars.
Red Here you go.
The stormtrooper gives Obi wan 50 dollars.
Lucario Move along.
Red Move along. Move along.
Blue What the hell was that?
Red What?
Blue Why did you act so weird?
Red I don't know what you're talking about.
Luke parks the car.
Link How did you do that?
Obi wan Trick those stormtroopers? The force can have a strong influence on the weak minded and on prostitutes.
The heroes go into a tavern.
Koopa Troopa Hey droids, get out of here. We don't serve their kind, can't you see the sign.
There's a sign that says
No Droids, No Jews, No Fat Chicks
Rob Of course. We're just walking trashcans in your eyes. Well, when we save the universe, look who will be laughing then?
Sandbag Come on, let's go.
Lucario I need a martini.
Koopa Ok.
Link Give me a mojito.
Koopa Are you old enough to drink?
The bartender gives the two their drinks.
Popo Negola dewaghi wool digger.
Link What? Wool digger?
Nana He doesn't like you.
Link (pause) So?
Nana I don't like you either.
Link You never met me before.
Nana But you should know us. We're wanted men. I have the death sentence on 12 systems.
Link What's your name?
Nana Cornelius Evazan, and this is Ponda Baba.
Popo Hi.
Nana I'm seriously badass.
Lucario Will you shut up?
The two criminals pull out their blasters, but Obi wan disarmed both of them and severed the arm of Ponda Baba.
Popo OH SHIT!
Lucario Don't worry, I know who can help you. Hey storm trooper.
Yellow Alloy What?
Lucario This is Cornelius Evazan.
Yellow Hey, I know you. And the other one is Ponda Baba. You two are under arrest.
Link Maybe you shouldn't brag about your bounties.
Nana Good point. Ponda, RUN LIKE HELL!
Yellow Come back here!
All three of them run out of the tavern.
Fox My name is Han Solo, and here's my first mate, Chewie.
Dk ROAR (My name is Chewbacca)!
Fox My ship is called the Blue Falcon, I mean, Millennium Falcon. Chewie says you want to go to Alderaan.
Lucario Is your ship fast?
Fox You never heard of the Millennium Falcon? It made the Pastel Run in less than 12 parsecs.
Link What? That doesn't make sense.
Lucario Yeah, it's like saying that I made the 5 mile walk in 2 miles. Do you know what you're saying before you say it?
Fox Well, I outran every starship owned by the Empire. They can't touch me. It will cost… 10,000 in advance.
Link 10,000? We can buy our own ship with that!
Fox Who's gonna fly it? You?
Link Hell yeah, I'm not a bad pilot myself. This is bullshit.
Lucario We'll pay 2,000 now and 15 grand when we reach Alderaan.
Fox 17? You got yourselves a pilot. Docking bay 94 is where my ship is.
Lucario Ok, lets go Luke.
Obi wan and Luke walk away.
Link WHY PAY 7,000 EXTRA? You're crazy!
Chapter 13: Episode 4 Greedo
Fox 17,000? Those desperate idiots, this will save my ass for sure. Chewie, start up the ship.
Chewbacca walks out of the tavern. Han Solo is stopped by another bounty hunter, Greedo, the reptile alien thing... They have a conversation while Greedo holds his gun at Han Solo's face.
DiddyKong Going somewhere Solo?
Fox Yes Greedo, I was just about to see your boss, tell Jabba I got his money.
Diddy Too late bitch, you should have paid him the first chance you got. Jabba has given you a bounty so large, everyone will be after you. Luckily, I was the first to find you.
Fox But this time, I have the money.
Diddy Give it to me and I'll forget that I found you.
Fox I don't have it with me…
Diddy What? Where's my money? Don't make a fool out of me man, I want my money. I want my money man!
Fox Easy… tell Jabba…
Diddy Jabba doesn't care about you anymore. He has no use for cowards who toss their drugs out of the window at the first sight of a stormtrooper.
Fox Even I get boarded sometimes. You think I had a choice?
Diddy If you don't give Jabba the money, give him your ship.
Fox Over my dead body.
Diddy That's the idea.
Greedo shoots at Han, but misses.
Fox You missed me! I'm freaking 4ft away and you miss me!
Diddy Well, this gun misfires unless I charge it. It always hits at an angle when not charged.
Greedo charges his gun, but it explodes.
Diddy Damn it! It always does that.
Greedo uses a different gun and shoots Han in the face.
Fox Ow! Wait, I'm alive? What ammo are you using?
Diddy Peanuts.
Fox PEANUTS?
Diddy They hurt like hell.
Fox But they're not fatal, unless I'm allergic.
Greedo fires again, but Han catches the peanut in midair.
Fox This is a real gun.
Han shoots Greedo with a laser gun. Greedo dies.
Fox Sorry about the mess.
Waddle Dee Another murder.
Koopa Just look away.
Fox Just remember, I shot first, Greedo shot second. End of story.
Waddle Dee But he…
Fox END OF STORY!
Chapter 14: Episode 4 Jabba the Butt
(translation)Solo, come out there solo
Jabba the Hutt and his minions surround the Millennium Falcon.
Petey Pirahna (translation)Solo, come out there solo!
Fox Over here dumb-ass. I have been waiting for you.
Petey Really? Waiting for me? I'm touched…
Fox Shut up. At least I didn't run away.
Petey Han, my boy, you're disappointing. Why did you not pay me? And why did you fry poor Greedo? Why! Why! (crying) Why!
Samus Sir?
Petey Oh right (stops crying).
Fox Well, if you want to talk to me, talk to me face to face. If you send any of your guys to me, I'll shove a smart-bomb down their mouth.
Petey Han, I won't take exceptions. If all of my smugglers toss their drugs out of the window at the first sight of a stormtrooper…
Fox Oh for the last XXXXing time! DO I HAVE TO REPEAT MYSELF? Even I get boarded sometimes. You think I had a choice? But look, I'll pay you back with a little extra, I just need more time.
Samus Here we go again.
Fox Shut up Boba Fett.
Samus Hey, don't mess with me and my sexy body. (pause) I'll shut up now.
Petey Han my boy, you're the best, even if you killed Greedo. An extra 20 percent…
Fox 15, don't push it.
Petey Fine, 15. But fail me again, you won't be able to show your face in public, well, if you still have a face by that time.
Fox Jabba, you're a wonderful fat bastard. I'm off.
Petey Ok everyone, let's go.
Samus Hold on, I want to make a cool pose in front of the camera.
Petey What camera? Just go!
Jabba and his minions leave. Luke and the others arrive.
Link Hey Han, what's going on?
Fox Oh, the usual.
Chapter 15: Episode 4 Leaving Tatooine
Luke and Obi wan see the Millennium Falcon
Link This pile of rust and crap? We're riding this?
Fox Well fine, I'll just leave without you because you're a pile of shit. You want that to happen?
Lucario I'm sure he didn't mean it.
Link Are you kidding? I've seen Ford Model T cars in better shape than this.
Fox Just get in.
Luke, Obi wan and Chewie are in the Millennium Falcon.
Fox Now, do I connect the red wire, or the blue wire? Uh… well… Wait, what was that?
Han opens a door of a house and sees R2 and C3PO together.
Rob Before you say anything, we're hiding! For the last time, we are not gay.
Waddle Dee AH! Gay robots are robbing my house!
Sandbag Hey, what did he just say? We are not gay!
Waddle Dee HELP! THIEVES! THIEVES!
The Jawa runs away.
Fox Get on the ship.
The droids get back on the ship. Han continues to work on the Falcon.
Fox I'm sure it's red to blue, but… I don't know…
Red Alloy It's the Millennium Falcon! Stop that ship, blast them!
Fox Oh shit.
Han connects the wires and gets electrocuted.
Fox Damn it! I'll do it later.
Han runs to the door of the ship and starts a shootout with the stormtroopers.
Fox Man, you guys can't aim.
Green Alloy It's the stormtrooper effect.
Fox Really? You can't touch me? (dancing) Can't touch me. Dodododo. Dodo. Dodo. Can't touch me.
Han gets shot in the foot.
Fox OW! God, that hurts!
Han goes into his ship as it flies away. The entire town sees the takeoff.
Waddle Dee What's that?
Yellow Alloy Ufo! Aliens!
Waddle Dee Dude, that came out wrong.
Yellow Why? (pause) oh yeah…
As the Millennium Falcon leaves Tatooine, two star destroyers attack the ship.
Lucario We have company.
Sandbag What do you mean?
Lucario Two star destroyers.
Fox I have a bad feeling about this.™
Link You said this ship was fast, can't you lose them?
Fox Hell yeah. I'm making a jump to light speed.
Rob Where's Chewie?
Fox He's attacking the ships.
Chewie is tossing barrels at the star destroyers.
DK Just like the good old days.
Link Han, what's taking so long?
Fox I have to lock on to our destination.
Rob Lock on?
Fox Well, you travel at lightspeed and ram into a planet or enter a black hole and tell me how you feel.
Sandbag We'll be dead.
Fox Exactly, dumb ass. But don't worry, I'll lose them.
The star destroyers continue to fire, but the Millennium falcon is barely moving.
Link Did you do anything?
Fox What? Oh yeah, I forgot. Hold on tight.
Rob Finally!
The Millennium falcon enters hyperspace. In other words, they travel through a wormhole to travel at light speed. I really don't understand starwars physics.
Chapter 16: Episode 4 Destroying Alderaan
Tarkin and Vader are on the front bridge of the Death Star.
Yellow Alloy Vader, there's a rumor that you're hitting on the princess.
Meta Knight Yeah, I am, so?
Yellow Alloy Why are you hitting on the princess?
Meta Knight I'll tell you why…
Dedede Oh, I love this song.
Darth Vader plays his ipod. As the music plays, Tarkin does the big gay dance!
Meta Knight I like big butts and I can not lie, you other brothers can't deny
Deep in the jeans she's wearing, I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh baby, I wanna get with her, and take her picture.
Yellow That's enough!
The song stops. Dedede stops dancing.
Green Alloy Would you say that about your daughter?
Meta Knight What!
Green Would you talk about your daughter's sexy body? Will that be…
Meta Knight I have no daughter!
Green Well, I mean if you have one.
Meta Knight Um… She better be hot... If that's true, then yes. I would say that about her. WHY DID YOU EVEN ASK THAT QUESTION!
Some guards bring Princess Leia onto the bridge.
Zelda Tarkin, I should have expected to find you holding Vader's leash.
Meta Knight What, am I a freaking dog now? Forget what I said before, you're a bitch! A sexy bitch, but still!
Zelda Tarkin, I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board this filthy ship.
Dedede Look, just because I eat a lot of fish doesn't mean you make fun of me for it. (crying) Even evil dictators who are trying to rule the universe have feelings. I can't control my rancid breath.
Meta Knight Sir?
Dedede Huh? Oh right, since you won't tell us where the rebels are, we'll blow up your planet.
Zelda WHAT? Wait, how can you do that?
Dedede Well, our battle station is freaking huge and its laser is freaking huge, we can destroy your planet easily.
Zelda WTF! Don't do that! Alderaan is peaceful, and has no weapons…
Meta Knight Don't forget the nude beaches.
Dedede Vader, stop talking about nude beaches! But if you want us to shoot another target, like a hidden rebel base, then tell us where they are!
Leia doesn't speak.
Dedede Fine, charge the lasers! Fire in 10, 9, 8… what, what comes after 8?
Zelda Dantooine! There's a large rebel base on Dantooine!
Dedede That's a good princess. Fire the laser anyways; I want to blow up a planet.
Meta Knight Yeah! Blow up a planet!
Zelda YOU MOTHER XXXXXXX XXXXXX XXXX SUCKING XXX XXXXXXX PIECE OF SHIT!
Meta Knight Wow, she's pissed off. Told you she was a bitch.
Dedede Yeah, fire the laser.
The Death Star destroys Alderaan. Leia faints.
Dedede Yes, I'm so happy, I could dance right now!
All but Dedede NO DANCING!
Dedede Fine, just send the princess back in the jail cell.
Meta Knight Hey Tarkin, I got it on video.
Dedede Sweet.
5 minutes later.
Meta Knight Our scouts searched the planet of Dantooine.
Dedede That was fast.
Meta Knight Yeah, well there was a rebel base, but the rebels have been gone for at least 3 years. There's no one in the abandoned bases except for some hobos.
Dedede She lied to us? WTF is wrong with her! I so want to kill her!
Meta Knight Well, there's nothing stopping you from doing that.
Dedede Really? Oh yeah. Start an execution at 6:00pm.
Meta Knight Why 6?
Dedede I want her death to be on the 6:00 news. While we wait, I'm gonna toss midgets at her.
Tarkin pulls out a midget.
Waddle Dee WHY DO YOU DO THIS!
Dedede It's fun to toss midgets at people.
Chapter 17: Episode 4 Landing on the Death Star
The Millennium Falcon is still in hyperspace as Alderaan is destroyed.
Lucario I feel a great disturbance in the force.
Fox Is it from Chewie's homemade tacos? They can give you serious heartburn.
Link Shut up Solo.
Lucario No, it was like millions of souls screamed in terror and they were all silenced at the same time.
Sandbag It's the apocalypse, the rapture, end of the universe. HUG ME!
Link Get the XXXX away from me.
DK I'll hug you.
Lucario Ok… Luke, go back to training.
Luke grabs his lightsaber while a floating droid flies in front of him.
Link What do I do exactly?
Lucario Reflect the laser blasts.
Sandbag What? Lasers? Is this safe?
Lucario Just let him do it.
Link Well… I don't know…
Fox Pussy.
Link Shut the hell up! Fine, I'll show you that I can do this.
Droid I'm a firin mah lazah!
The robot shoots Luke in the arm.
Link OW! WHY ARE THESE REAL LASERS! They hurt like hell! How can anyone possible dodge these blasts?
Lucario Put the blast shield on your helmet.
Luke puts on the blast shield of the helmet. The metal shield blocks Luke's eyes.
Link Great, now I can't see.
Luke tries again but fails again.
Link It's not working Einstein.
Lucario Use your feelings. Feel the lightsaber, feel the robot.
Link I would rather feel some hot chicks rack.
Lucario Nice, just do it.
Luke was able to reflect three every rapid laser blasts.
Link Sweet, it worked.
Fox That's because you were lucky.
Link Lucky? Using only your luck, you try dodging laser bullets with a one inch thick lightsaber without using your eyes.
Lucario He doesn't believe in the force.
Fox Well, I don't believe in a lot of things, like 'global warming'. Jedi are just some insane maniacs that follow an illogical religion, just like suicidal Muslims terrorists.
Sandbag Wow, what you just said was… insulting. What is wrong with you, man?
Fox Well, I think that a close range swordsman will quickly get shot by a pistol. Seriously, use some common sense.
The ship starts to shake uncontrollably.
Rob What's going on?
Dk Astroids!
Link What?
Fox We entered an asteroid field.
Link What? We want Alderaan, not asteroids.
Fox And I want something to cure my diabetes, but that's not gonna happen any time soon.
Lucario Wait, the planet was destroyed by the empire.
Fox (pause) The planet was destroyed… by the empire? Call the mental hospital, they forgot this idiot.
Sandbag So, where are we?
Fox Let's see… We're on Alderaan. Oh… you could be right.
Then, a small military spacecraft flies by. This one is called a tie fighter.
Link Look, there's a pie fighter!
Lucario Pie?
Link Tie fighter, my bad.
Dk I like pie.
Rob Let's shoot him.
Fox Yeah, I like killing unimportant minions. Look, he's going to that moon.
The Millennium falcon follows the Tie fighter.
Lucario That's no moon, it's a space station.
Fox Spacestation? It's too big, jackass.
Dk It's no moon, it's yo mama.
Sandbag Copyrighting!
Rob Dude, almost everything we said is copyrighted in some way.
Fox (pause) Oh, it is a spacestation.
Lucario Told yah.
Fox Wait, oh crap, we're stuck in the tractor beam. We can't escape.
Link Now what?
Fox Don't worry, we're not going down without a fight, kid.
Lucario There are other alternatives than fighting.
Sandbag You're right, we should just surrender.
Fox No! I got a better idea… Espionage. I got a video on 'Being a Spy For Dummies'.
The video plays.
Snake Hello, welcome to the training video, Being a Spy For Dummies. I am your teacher, Solid Snake. First thing first, if you are a man, get a beard, or at least a mustache. And if you get too stressed out, smoke. Smoking is fun!
Rob Oh god, no.
Snake Don't forget to have some sexy back. Chicks dig the sexy back. Don't forget to break the necks of your opponent, but if they have no neck, hit them at point blank range with a rocket launcher. Don't worry, you won't be caught in the explosion, even if you fire the rocket at your feet.
Chapter 18: Episode 4 Sneaking on the Death Star
Vader and some stormtroopers search the Millennium falcon.
Meta Knight Let me see the log.
Green Here's the log.
The stormtrooper pulls out a wooden log.
Meta Knight That's not funny.
Blue Yeah, that… that was just lame.
Green Well, XXXX YOU!
The stormtrooper runs away, crying.
Green No one understands me!
Meta Knight Ok… Well, you two scan the rest of the ship.
Blue Sir, you think they're still on the ship?
Meta No, I want you to steal anything they left behind. Money, weapons, computers, porn movies.
Yellow What was the last one?
Meta (pause) Computers? Just go. (pause) I feel something… a presence I never felt since… (farts) oh, that must have been it. I should stop going to Taco Bell.
On the Millennium Falcon, our heroes were actually hiding in a closet. They get out of the closet.
Fox I told you they'll never look inside the closets.
Link That's because Tom Cruise hides in there. They say that he never leaves the closet.
Tom Cruise I'm not in the closet. I'm right here, bitches.
Rob HOLY SHIT!
Blue Wait, what was that?
Sandbag Quick, hide!
The stormtroopers go inside the Millennium Falcon.
Blue Ah, it was nothing.
Yellow I don't know… I think there's something in the closet.
Stormtrooper shoots the closet. He opens the closet.
Blue Is that Tom Cruise? Did you just kill Tom Cruise?
Yellow Finally, he's dead.
Blue What's that on your foot?
Yellow A thermal detonator grenade.
Blue Oh, SON OF A BI…
Outside of the ship, a stormtrooper commander hears the explosion.
Red What was that? TK-421, why are you not at your post? Where's your partner, THX-1138?
The commander sees Han and Luke dressed-up like stormtroopers.
Red The radio seems to be damaged.
Fox No, the helmet is itchy.
Link And it's all sweaty… ew…
Red Itchy? Well, we normally don't have that problem. Come in TK-421.
Fox Yeah, and also, I have a name dumbass!
Red Chuck, you know we address each other by numbers, not names.
Luke knocks on the door.
Red Who is it?
Luke Girl Scout cookies. WHO DO YOU THINK!
Red Oh yeah, stupid short term memory loss.
The commander opens the door and sees Chewbacca, who is two feet in front of him.
DK Kill them all! FALCON PUNCH!
Chewie beats up the commander while Han and Luke kill the other stormtroopers.
Fox Chewie, don't do the falcon punch, that's copyrighting.
DK How is this story not copyrighting?
Sandbag I can't believe we didn't get hit.
Rob Well, not exactly.
Sandbag Is my head on fire again?
Rob Yup.
Lucario Worry about it later. Can you two droids hack into the computer and find a way to turn off the tractor beam?
Sandbag Of course, no one worry about my burning scalp, I'll be fine. All you really have to do is go on google.
As the droids hack the computer, a stormtrooper walks in the room.
Green Sir, what happened? Wait…. oh shit.
DK KILL HIM!
They kill the stormtrooper.
Luke With all the blasting and Chewbacca's yelling, it's a miracle that the entire station doesn't know where we are.
Rob They have no security cameras, that's why.
Fox What kind of lame budget cut was that?
Rob Yo, I found it! The tractor beam is fueled by 7 generators. If one of the power generators is turned off, the ship will be able to leave.
Fox You only need to turn off one? Don't they have a backup or something?
Lucario Well, it seams easy. I'm going.
Link I want to go with you.
Lucario No, stay here and watch over the droids. They have important information for the rebels.
Rob You know, I'm right next to a computer; I can just email them the message.
Lucario Uh… Ok. Still, you need to watch the droids. Besides, last thing I need is an annoying kid on my back.
Link What?
Lucario I'm going, bye.
Obi wan leaves.
Sandbag You know… my head is still on fire.
Chapter 19: Episode 4 Finding the Princess
Fox This…. is…. boriiiiiiiing
Link Well, Obi wan told us to wait.
A stormtrooper enters the room.
Yellow Uh sir… Oh bullshit!
They shoot that stormtrooper.
Sandbag The Empire will realize that their troops are disappearing very quickly. It's only a matter of time before we run out of ammo.
Rob Hey! I found the princess!
Sandbag Princess peach?
Rob No, not that dumbass slut, Leia.
Mario MAMA MIA!
Sonic Well, you have to admit, she is stupid as hell.
Mario How?
Sonic She gets kidnapped by Bowser in every game for over 20 years.
Mario Uh… you win this round… But your girlfriend is pink!
Sonic Yeah, Amy is pink… and so is Peach.
Mario Damn it! I'm bad at this!
Sonic You're too slow!
Mario Look, I know I can do better…
Sonic Come on! Step it up!
Mario Forget it, let's-a go back to the story.
Link Princess Leia is here! Where is she?
Fox Princess? What the hell are you talking about?
Sandbag She's at the prison on the 5th floor. And…. her execution is going to start in less than 2 hours.
Link WHAT!
Sandbag They're going to rape her first. Then inject her with poison, toss her in a room of lions, decapitate her with a guillotine, have vultures eat her corpse and burn her remaining bodyparts until she is cremated.
DK (long pause) Wow… that sucks.
Fox No, the princess is going to suck a…
Link You better shut the XXXX up. Ok, uh… we should like, rescue her or something…
Fox Well, I don't give a crap about some princess.
Rob It's the princess of Alderaan, Leia.
Fox Oh… then… she's the princess of a destroyed planet? So she's worthless?
Link She's gonna die,
Rob And get raped.
Link And get raped. Thank you.
Fox Better her than me. I don't care about dying, but the only rapist I want is a female whore.
Link You want to get raped by a female whore?
Sandbag Who doesn't?
Link Well, Leia is hot…
Fox I'm listening…
Rob And she is rich.
DK I like rich hot chicks!
Fox RICH! How rich? 'Bill Gates' rich or 'rich in fat' rich?
Link Uh, Bill Gates rich…
Solo grabs a rocket launcher.
Fox OUT OF THE XXXXING WAY YOU BASTARDS! I HAVE A BITCH TO SAVE!
Sandbag Wow, that motivated him…
Chapter 20: Episode 4 Going to the prison
Luke and Han dress up like stormtroopers while Chewie has handcuffs, making him look like a prisoner.
Link I can't see a thing in this helmet.
Fox No wonder they can't aim.
Link Let's find an elevator.
Fox I hope there's no elevator music.
After going up the elevator, they see a group of officers at the jail.
Red What is that?
Link A wookie.
Red Since when did we capture a wookie?
Fox I don't know.
Red Well, where are you taking this… smelly, stupid beast/thing?
DK HEY!
Link Prison transport. Here, let me drop him off.
Han takes off Chewie's handcuffs.
DK Donkey PUNCH!
Chewie punches one of the officers.
Fox Holy crap, he's gone crazy!
Link Let me shoot him.
Luke and Han instead shoot the other officers and wreck the place. All the badguys are dead.
Fox Ok… why did you say that?
DK You mean donkey…
Fox Yeah!
DK Well, you said that the falcon punch was copyrighting.
Link I don't think this is a good alternative.
A phone rings. Han answers it.
Yellow Hello? Is anyone there? Hello?
Fox Yes, uh… everything is ok. We just had a small weapons malfunction.
Yellow Oh… well, tell me if it gets worse. (hangs up)
Fox Dumbass.
Chapter 21: Episode 4 The Prison
Fox So… how will I know what she looks like?
Link She's a princess, she's hot and she's white.
Fox Thank god.
Link Shut up, just go.
5 minutes later, Han comes back.
Fox I couldn't find the right one, so I rescued some other women. (Krystal, Daisy and a Gardevoir)
Link No, you are not bringing random passengers on the millennium falcon.
Fox First, they are not random, they are sexy. Second, it's my ship…
Link I don't care, we won't have them all on the ship.
Fox COME ON! Please...
Link Get rid of one of them.
Fox I'll get rid of the annoying ripoff that no one gives a shit about.
Daisy WTF is wrong with you?
Fox Easy, I'll rescue you later.
Han puts the hoe back into the prison cell.
DK Will you rescue that one later?
Fox Frankly, I don't give a shit.
Link So where is the real princess?
DK Well, she's either in cell block 1138 or A113. I get those two numbers confused.
Link Are you sure?
DK I don't know… but just go.
The phone rings.
Yellow Are you still there?
Fox Yup.
Yellow We're sending a squad up there.
Fox WHAT!
Yellow If there was a weapons malfunction, we have to examine the malfunction.
Fox Who says so?
Yellow I was reading an instruction manual. Commanding a Deathstar For Dummies. The squad is on the way.
Fox Uh, negative! Big no-no. We have a reactor leak.
Yellow Reactor leak! Don't worry, we're sending a hazmat squad up there.
Fox No, uh don't, we can handle this.
Yellow Wait a minute, who is this? What's your ID number?
Fox Uh, TK-421?
Yellow No, TK-421 is in the medical bay.
Fox THX-1138?
Yellow That's my name!
Fox Well, my name… (blows up the computer) uh… that was stupid. I'm not very good at conversations anyways. LUKE, WHAT THE HELL IS TAKING SO LONG!
Luke finds the princess.
Link Don't worry, I found the real princess.
Zelda Huh?
Link (thinking) holy shit, she is hot.
Zelda Aren't you a little short to be a stormtrooper?
Link What? Well… aren't you a little smelly to be a princess?
Zelda Aren't you a little freaking stupid to be insulting me?
Link Aren't you a little bitchy to be a slut?
Zelda Aren't you a little homo to be so close to me?
Link Shut up! I'm taking therapy. Look, are you coming with us or not?
Zelda What?
Link Ben Kenobi brought us here to rescue you.
Zelda Obi Wan Kenobi is here?
Link Well, I guess I'm not a little homo anymore.
(In Vader's office)
Blue Sir, Obi wan is here!
Dedede That jedi? I thought he was dead. Even if he's alive, he has to be extremely old.
Meta Knight Good point. Killing him will be easy.
Yellow Sir, there are intruders in the prison room.
Dedede What? Send all inexperienced stormtroopers there now! (does the big gay dance) I summon you troops!
Meta Knight Tarkin, if you don't stop dancing, I'll force choke you.
Dedede (stops) Excuse me.
(In the prison) The storm troopers invade the prison.
Zelda Now what smartass?
Link Oh, shut up. You sound like my sister… if I had one.
DK Don't worry, I know how to defeat them… (Dances and plays some bongos)
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you!
The stormtroopers burst into flames.
Link No one can survive getting rick rolled.
DK It's like a musical falcon punch.
Fox No more falcon punches, it's pissing me off.
A stormtrooper shoots Chewie's bongos and they explode.
DK Why must everything explode?
Link Great, now what do we do?
Leia blows a hole in the garbage chute.
Zelda Get into the garbage.
Fox Ew…
Leia and Luke jump in.
Link You two better get down here before you get shot.
Fox Easy, no need to worry, these guys can't hit the black side of a barn.
DK Isn't it 'broad side of a barn'?
Fox I don't know. But it's not… (gets shot in the leg) OH SHIT!
Han jumps into the garbage chute.
Fox Oh god… (Wilhelm Scream)
DK You have got to be kidding.
Zelda GET IN THE FXXXING TRASH COMPACTOR!
Chewie jumps in too.
DK What did I miss?
Link Han almost killed us by shooting a door that ricochets lasers, Leia almost got raped by an octopus and all of us almost got crushed by the trash compactors. In other words, an ordinary day in Star Wars.
Fox Dude, I see a couch.
Zelda Should we keep it?
Fox No, let's just leave it. You don't know where it has been. It could have been in a simpsons couch gag.
Link Holy shit. Well… lets get out of here.
DK I wonder what idiot will take this couch, if it doesn't get destroyed by the trash compactors.
Chapter 22: Episode 4 Obi Wan vs Vader
Obi wan walks around the Deathstar
Obi wan walks around the Deathstar.
Lucario I still don't know why I can walk around this giant battle station with all these stormtroopers, and no one even knows I'm here! Vader, have you ever heard of security cameras?
Meta Knight Yes, I heard about them. I also herd u liek MUDKIPS!
Lucario Oh, hi Vader. How's your wife?
Meta Knight DEAD! You should know.
Lucario Oh yeah… well, when you're as old as me, you have to forget something.
Meta Knight Blah blah blah… let's fight.
They both fight each other with their lightsabers.
Meta Knight I was once a learner, now I am dah mastah.
Lucario Only a master of evil, Darth. And a master of making out with guys.
Meta Knight Well… yo mama is so ugly, she blew up the deathstar just by looking at it.
Lucario Wow, now I know how to blow up the deathstar.
Meta Knight Actually, there's this exhaust pipe… forget that! Continue the fight.
Some stormtroopers guarding the Millennium Falcon witness this battle.
Green Cool, a jedi fight!
Red Nice!
Yellow Hey guys, shouldn't we guard the spaceship?
Red Shut up.
They walk away from the docking bay.
Fox Ok, before we go on, is anyone here a Muslim?
Zelda No.
Fox Let's go!
Link Why did you ask that?
Fox I don't want terrorists on my ship.
Zelda Not all Muslims are terrorists.
Fox But all terrorists are Muslims.
Link Shut up.
Sandbag Hi guys.
Rob Hey. What's up?
DK Where did you two come from?
While everyone is running to the millennium falcon, Luke notices Obi wan and Vader fighting. Obi wan sees Luke before dropping his guard.
Lucario If you strike me down now Vader, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.
Meta Knight Why?
Lucario For some reason, if I get the crap beaten out of me, my offensive power increases greatly.
Meta Knight But… you're pretty beaten up.
Lucario So?
Meta Knight So… I can kill you easily. And when you were not looking, I got a smashball.
Lucario Oh shit…
Meta Knight Behold…
Vader slices Obi wan in half, but his body disappears.
Meta Knight What the hell?
Link NO!
Meta Knight Huh? Hey! Stop him!
As Luke slowly awakens from a daze, easily dodging laser fire, Vader tries to walk towards Luke, but the door's control panel gets blasted by Luke and the door closes.
Meta Knight (rapidly) Don't close, don't close, don't close… DAMN IT!
Luke continues to shoot the stormtroopers.
Lucario Run bitch, run!
Link Oh yeah. I forgot, the Falcon.
Captain Falcon The Falcon Punch?
Link Get away from me.
Luke and the other heroes leave the Deathstar in the Millennium Falcon.
Captain Falcon What about me?
Chapter 23: Episode 4 Tie fighter attack
On the millennium falcon, Luke is mourning the loss of Obi Wan.
Zelda Luke, you seem to be taking this… well…
Link Yup, all I have to do is cut myself with my lightsaber. It is one useful tool.
Fox Well… if you don't mind, I will be drinking some beer and then puke it out 5 minutes from now, so please stay away if you don't like vomit in your face.
Han leaves the room.
Sandbag Hey, where's the bathroom?
Zelda You mean the door right behind you?
Sandbag Oh… well, R2 couldn't find it… and, things got messy.
Link Did things get messy or did they get shitty?
Sandbag Very messy and very shitty.
Rob (in the other room) AH! It's in my mouth!
Sandbag You have a mouth?
DK Hey guys. I just put the auto pilot on. What did I miss?
An explosion rocks the ship.
DK Then again… I might have hit the… self destruct?
Link Great… nice going.
Zelda No, we're under attack…
Link Great, I can't wait to bomb some dodongos.
Sandbag (long pause) What?
Link Sorry, force of habit.
5 minutes later.
Zelda So, how was it?
Fox Actually, the dogfight wasn't interesting. It was pretty pathetic. Wasn't interesting at all.
Chapter 24: Episode 4 Deathstar
Navi Hey, listen
The heroes had arrived at the rebel base shortly after. They quickly begin the attack on the Deathstar. As the fleet is in formation, Luke waits for the attack to begin. As he does, Luke talks to his friends on the radio.
Link Is it me, or does the hero always has to do all the hard work?
Sandbag Of course not. Now you go blow up that artificial planet while I stay here and drink some tea. I don't know why, but I sound like a British weakling.
Rob My voice is no better.
Link Whatever… Ok, where's Han? I need to tell him my strategy. It's like this… I create a distraction while Han rides a white/pink dragon like spaceship and kamikazes into the death star.
Rob Where did you get that idea?
Link Obi wan said my father did the same thing.
Rob Ok… sounds like something a short homo would do.
Link Exactly, except my dad was also pink and looked like a ball.
Sandbag You got a XXXXed up family. Wait, Han isn't here.
Link huh? Oh yeah… Han…WHAT!
Sandbag He… left… like a cowardly pissy-pussy-bastard.
Link You got to be kidding me.
Game and Watch Everyone, get in position!
Link Oh yeah, the battle.
Rob Don't worry Luke, I'm here for you.
Link Oh joy… I don't even need you.
Rob But I looooooove riding shotgun. I want to listen to the radio!
The Empire, now knowing where the rebels are, prepares to aim the deathstar at the rebel base.
Dedede This space station is slower than my grandmother when she's driving.
Yellow Sir, we are under attack. Look!
Meta Knight Is this an arwing or an x wing?
Dedede Vader, stop the rebels. I need to stay here and… FIRE MAH LAZAH!
Meta Knight Ok… but I'm using my pimped out tie fighter.
Dedede It's not that amazing.
Meta Knight (pause) S… SHUT UP!
Luke and two rebels go down a trench. Some turrets attack them. They try to dodge the blasts from some laser turrets.
Game and Watch That was close!
Link Don't worry, they can't hit us. They suck. Those turrets shoot 500rpm and still can't touch us.
Game and Watch But that blast came from behind. Not from a turrent.
Link What blast?
Vader and two of his stormtroopers destroy one of the rebel's ships.
Rob Oh crap, he got shot down by Vader!
Yellow No, that was me! No one ever credits us minor characters. For your information, Vader was too busy talking on his cell-phone.
Meta Knight Sorry, that was my mother.
Red I thought your mother was dead?
Meta Knight Uh… I don't know…
Game and Watch Sir, what do we do?
Link Just calm down, I see the exhaust port.
Luke sees the exhaust port, but as he approaches it, it closes.
Link Wait, is it closed?
Game and Watch Yeah, we decided to install a door in it just incase. (pause) Also… I'm a firing my laser…
Vader destroys the rebel as Luke retreats.
Link Ah shit, now what do I do?
Navi Luke…
Link Obi wan?
Chapter 25: Episode 4 Final Chapter
Link Obi wan? You're a ghost?
Navi Hey, listen!
Link I'm kind of busy.
Navi (Floats in front of Luke) Listen!
Link Go away…
Navi Hey! Look!
Link Seriously, I can't see.
Navi But I need to tell you something.
Link (pissed off) WHAT?
Navi I know that facing off against a manmade moon might be almost impossible…
Link Almost? Let me see you do this job easier.
Navi I'm dead… but doing the impossible isn't impossible.
Link (pause) What?
Navi Take me for example. One day, I had to fight the jedi killer known as General Grevious.
Link Another flashback?
Navi Yes… another flashback.
(flashback)
Navi Grevious surrounded me with an entire army of droids. Instead of easily killing me with his army of over 9000 droids, he decides to face me one on one.
Normally, Grevious is seriously badass He can easily defeat 6 powerful jedi without any help. However, that was the tv series. When it comes to Star Wars, there is one rule everyone should know. In the movies, the villains suck.
Obi Wan dodges Grievous's moves and cuts off two of his hands.
Porky Minch Wait, I have 4 lightsabers and 4 arms and you have only one lightsaber. HOW ARE YOU WINNING?
Lucario Because, I'm freaking Chuck Norris…
Porky Oh shit, I better run…
Lucario COME BACK HERE, DOUCHEBAG!
(Flashback ends)
Navi Eventually, I killed him
Link Anything else you want to tell me?
Navi Uh… I was on Survivor.
Link Really?
Navi Yes, I was on the German version and the Norwegian version.
Link Huh? Why would you in the Norwegian and German versions?
Navi Europe is a unique place. But I would say that Germany is better.
Link Because of the lack of jews?
Navi No! Germans know how to drink. A lot of beer. Don't forget the autobahn.
Link Do tell me, what is this autobahn?
Navi A highway with no speed limits. It is actually illegal to go too slow.
Link Amazing.
Rob WILL YOU FAGGOTS GET BACK TO THE FXXXING BATTLE!
Meta Knight No kidding, I just finished my sudoku puzzle 5 minutes ago.
Fox Seriously dude.
Meta Knight Huh? Where did you come from?
Han shoots down two of the Tie fighters, causing Vader to fly out of control and retreat.
Meta Knight I'm getting dizzy!
Fox Ok Luke, now blow up.
Link That's what we do on Mythbusters, we blow XXXX up.
Rob What is wrong with you?
Link I don't know; I just quote random crap from popular culture.
DK Hey, do you know chocolate rain?
Link Chocolate Rain… Worse than swearing worse than calling names. Chocolate Rain… Say it publicly and you're insane.
Rob Enough! Just blow up the XXXXXXXXX XXXX XXXXX XXXXXXXX XXXXX XXXXXXX DEATH STAR YOU BITCH!
Link I can't shoot it, the doors are shut.
Zelda You can Kamikaze into it. If you pierce trough the outer layer of the deathstar, it will explode.
Link There's only one way to kamikaze… on a small pink plane with a rainbow tail (Dragoon).
Luke jumps out of his x wing and jumps onto another plane.
Link Hey Leia.
Zelda What?
Link How about a kiss, for luck?
Zelda You have got to be kidding.
Luke flies into the deathstar, drilling completely through it. As he escapes the deathstar, it explodes.
Link Wow, I blew up a planet… Something only the deathstar could do. Unless you include Dragon Ball Z characters, they are sooooooo cheap.
All of the heroes return to the rebel base. Luke and Han gets medals personally given to them by Princess Leia.
DK Why don't I get a medal? I should… This is bullshit. (credits roll)
If you want me to create episode 5, all you need to do is wait. I'm taking a break. Only until this story gets 60 reviews will I return to continue it. Show this story to your friends across the internet and let them write at least one review.
Chapter 26: Episode 5 intro
Sonic So Mario, did you like it?
Mario Well, I thought Star Wars would be all about hardcore action. Instead, you got soldiers dressed in heavy armor that doesn't protect them from anything and the soldiers themselves can't shoot the side of a barn. I also wanted a sword fight…
Sonic Lightsaber duel.
Mario Whatever, a beam sword duel that was more… impressive.
Sonic Yeah, well this is only the tip of the retro starwars movie iceberg.
Mario There's more?
Sonic Yup, you want in?
Mario What?
Sonic You want in?
Mario Into what?
Sonic Do you want to hear it or what?
Mario Hmm… put more Mario characters in it and you got a deal.
Sonic Only if you put Shadow in the next smash bros game as a playable character.
Mario Uh, maybe as a costume…
Sonic Deal.
Chapter 27: Episode 5 Hoth
The Rebels are currently on the ice planet Hoth. As the rebels rest in a warm military base, Luke is scouting the cold planet, communicating to the rebels with a radio. He is riding a tauntaun, a kangaroo like animal designed for surviving in the wild, smelling like shit and rarely realize what is happening (it is stupid).
Yoshi Yoshi!
Link Tell me again… WHY an ice planet?
Fox (on the radio) Well it was either here or Mustafar… which is a LAVA planet.
Sandbag Is that Luke? Tell him I said hi!
Link Whatever. (pause) Hold on…
A fast object falls out of the sky.
Link I think I saw a comet.
Zelda Really? Make a wish!
Yoshi Yoshi!
Link Shut up you smelly cow.
Zelda WHAT!
Link Not you, the Tauntaun.
Fox Where did the comet go? I'm near a window, I want to see the comet too. I want to have my own awesome sex-related wish.
Link It crash landed behind a mountain. I'll give you the coordinates.
Rob Wait, if it fell out of the sky, then it was a meteor, not a comet.
Link Well EXCUSE me robot!
Yoshi YOSHI!
Link Hold on. (turns off radio) What's wrong dude?
Bowser Wampa Punch!
A yeti like monster (Wampa) knocks out Luke.
Bowser FATALITY!
Back at the base, Han Solo realizes something important.
Fox HOLY CRAP! I forgot about Jabba!
DK Oh yeah… You forgot to give him a Christmas present.
Fox That… and he will literally kill me if I don't pay him the money.
DK Should we go?
Fox He can wait, it's not like he'll carbon freeze me… right?
DK Nah, he'll just shoot you in the head.
Zelda Hey, did anyone find Luke yet?
Sandbag He's missing?
Rob Nah, he's dead. Look outside, it's a blizzard!
Zelda He can't die, he's the only jedi in this movie.
Fox FINE! I'll find him, happy now?
Han Solo leaves the Hoth base.
Rob C3PO, did you see what happened yesterday?
Sandbag What?
Rob Han was trying to make out with Leia.
Sandbag Dude, who doesn't know that?
Chapter 28: Episode 5 Wampa
Luke was captured by a Wampa and lies upsidedown on the ceiling of the Wampa's cave.
Link How the hell did this happen?
Bowser (eating the tauntaun) NOM OM NOM. Tauntaun sandvvich make me strong!
Link Hey man, how did you shove me into the ceiling like this?
Bowser Spy! Oh, it's you. Wait, why are you not dead? I'll kill you!
The Wampa attacks Luke, but Luke finds his lightsaber and
Bowser 'Tis but a scratch. I've had worse.
Link A scratch? Your arm's off!
Bowser I'll still kill you.
Luke cuts off the other arm.
Link There, you are defeated. Now how should I… (gets kicked in the face) WHAT THE HELL!
Bowser You can't beat me, I'm invincible!
Link Both of your arms are off!
Bowser Just a flesh wound. (Kicks him again)
Link You want to lose your legs too? (Gets kicked again) Fine! (Luke slices both legs off and leaves the cave).
Bowser I hope I'm in the next Ultimate Showdown.
Luke walks outside into a huge blizzard. He eventually collapses from the cold and exhaustion. As he lays in the snow, he sees Obi Wan's ghost.
Link Obi wan?
Navi I know you're dying, but if you survive, go to Dagobah to train with 900 year old jedi master Yoda.
Link You want me to ditch my friends during a universal war, travel across the universe trying to find a planet I know nothing about and find an old guy who could be dead?
Navi Yes, and good luck, it's hard to find one man on a planet.
Link Well I guess if I use my landspeeder, I could make it back to the base. Oh yeah, YOU SOLD IT! UP YOURS FAG!
Luke faints. Han Solo suddenly appears on a tauntaun.
Fox What did you call me?
Birdo I don't feel good.
Fox No one cares.
Birdo Seriously… I feel sick.
Fox Worry about it later.
As Han aids Luke, Han's Tauntaun dies.
Fox Oh crap. Well, I'm freezing… I got an idea, I'll cut open my tauntaun's body and use it as heat.
Navi What kind of psychotic idea is that?
Fox Who said that? Is there a ghost around here? Or a ghost pokemon?
Navi Uh… no, there's no one here.
Fox Ok.
Han cuts open the tauntaun's belly.
Fox Oh… it was sleeping… and I cut open its body. Wait, was she pregnant? Well… crap. Hm… how warm is it?
Han stuffs Luke inside the Tauntaun.
Fox Did I just sit inside her colon?
A few hours later, a scout discovers the Tauntaun body and rescues the guys.
Miles Tails Prower Are you telling me that you slept inside the body of a dead animal?
Fox Yes.
Tails Uh... if I die, would you do that to me?
Fox What are you, gay?
Tails Huh?
Fox We should hang out more.
Tails You are weird.
Chapter 29: Episode 5 Spy in our Midst
Luke is being healed in the medical section at the base.
Zelda Will he be ok?
Sandbag Well, his brain is slightly damaged by frost bite, but he should be ok.
Fox Forget about the dumb blonde. What about me?
Rob You have to go back outside.
Fox What? I almost froze to death!
Rob But there was a comet that crashed…
DK Then it's a meteor.
Rob Whatever, just find that piece of spacerock. We want to take samples from it to see if aliens exist.
Fox Aliens? Cool, I would like to prove the existence of aliens. Right Chewie?
DK Cool.
Zelda Idiots.
Han and Chewie look for the comet/meteorite. Little do they know that the meteor was a droid of the evil empire.
Metroid What dumbass puts a base where they can freeze to death? These people are more idiotic than Family Guy.
Flashback
Peter Griffin Lois, I realized that you like hiding snacks from me, but please don't put the chocolate bars in the toilet!
Lois Chocolate bars… yeah… want a mint?
Flashback Ends
Metroid Someone please shoot me.
Little does the droid know that Han and Chewie are hiding behind two piles of snow.
Zelda (on the radio) It's a droid? Capture it. Set laser to stun.
Fox Ok.
Han shoots the droid but the droid explodes.
DK Holy ShXt!
Zelda Didn't you use the stun gun?
Fox I don't even think I hit him.
DK Holy ShXt!
Fox I did use the stun gun.
Zelda Maybe it self destructed.
DK Holy ShXt!
Fox Stop that.
DK Sorry, I was experiencing an episode.
Fox What kind of episode?
DK Episode 5.
Chapter 30: Episode 5 Hoth Battle
Han and Chewie returned back to the Hoth base.
Zelda Ok guys, the Empire knows where we are. We need to retreat.
Fox What? We are the heroes of this movie, we can kill them easily.
Zelda They have AT-ATs.
Fox (pause) Ah crap.
Link What are AT-ATs?
DK A tall horse or elephant like tank with a small head that looks like a penis.
Link So, we are fighting the universe's biggest dick?
DK Maybe. Leia, when will they be here?
Zelda Half an hour. However, our transports take a lot longer to load. We need to stall them while the other half of the army loads on the transports.
Sandbag I call the transports!
Back on the death star.
Meta Knight Dude, we didn't need to send our troops, we just needed to blow up their base with star destroyer lasers. Now that they know we are here, their energy shields are at full power and we need to do a ground assault, which all could have been avoided…
Squirtle Well… it wouldn't make much of a movie if the rebels were killed so quickly.
Resetti Idiot.
FINSIH HIM
Vader chokes Kendal Ozzel with his force powers, breaks his neck, decapitates him and crushes his skull.
Meta Knight Fatality. Ooo, I should totally join Mortal Kombat.
Resetti To late, Superman and Batman beat you to it.
Meta Knight Fine, I'll find another game series, like Soul Calibur.
Mudkip Put me in that game too, everyone lieks me.
Meta Knight Why not, my apprentice. Besides, your video game will be awesome. 5 stars defiantly.
Mudkip YES! YES!
Resetti Good call, good call.
Meta Knight You know what, you will replace Ozzel. Firmus Piett, you are the new admiral, lead our army to victory.
Resetti Ok, just don't kill me too.
Link I don't know why, but I think I should join Soul Calibur if I haven't already. But if characters like Mario or Sonic can't get in that game, I don't have a hope in hell.
Game and Watch Dude, stop daydreaming and get to your ship.
Link Ok (sees that snowspeeder) WTF!
GW What?
Link We're ridding in that?
GW Yeah…
Link To fight the 70 ft tall ATATs?
GW Yeah.
Link How small is the rebel army's budget anyways?
GW Don't worry, there's a harpoon on the back of it.
Link Really?
GW Yeah, it is really effective, it can stop an ATAT easily in one hit.
Link Really!
GW Yeah, all we have to do is tie the cable around the legs of the ATAT and the thing trips and falls.
Link (pause) I'm not even gonna ask, but thank god for George Lucas, for not knowing what he was saying and making a wonderful movie franchise that happened to have a brilliant beginning and a unappealing end. And as always, I will win this major battle, almost single handling.
15 minutes later. Luke is walking in the snow.
Link Well… that was weird. I destroyed only one ATAT and all of our snowspeeders are destroyed.
Luke notices the Millennium Falcon.
Link OH COME ON! No, no… don't pick me up, I'll just walk. Know what, I will go to Dagobah, so when my friends get captured by the Empire, look who needs help then.