Prints in the Dust

By Adora

I gathered the flowers in my hand. White roses. I closed my door and headed to the elevator. When the doors opened I saw you there. I lowered my eyes and made you disappear. I turned to the stairs.

I heard your voice in my head at each step I took. I gripped the railing tightly and continued on. I straightened my black dress remembering how much you liked it when I first bought it.

I said hello to you when I saw you leaning against my car. I watched you fade away the closer I got, and then disappear when I started to drive away.

I stopped at a light and looked around. I saw the bench we sat upon, and smiled at the thought of you kissing me.

I looked at the roses on the seat beside me. Lonely, white, and depressing. I pictured a single red rose instead.

I started driving again. I pulled to the side of the road when I saw a black car following me. Then I drove back when I realized it wasn't you. It couldn't be you.

The bonds office looked the same as it always did. I could see Connie in there sitting at the desk. I could see Lula talking, waving her arms in the air.

My gaze shifted to the alley and my body trembled remembering your touch. I drove on.

I pulled into the garage of your building and sat there for a while. I looked at the elevator and saw you coming out. You walked to me and got into my car, putting on your black Seals cap that I always leave on my dash now. You grinned before leaving.

I got out of the car and circled the truck, the Cayenne, and the Turbo. I laid my palms flat on their hoods imagining they were still warm from your use. My hands left prints in the dust.

I got back in the car and drove on. I saw Tank in my rearview mirror and he was giving me a sad smile. I opened my window and waved to him before moving on.

I brought the flowers to my lap and lightly touched the petals. Caressing them, as if they were you.

I envisioned your smile and I smiled too.

I passed by the hospital and a collage of images invaded my mind. Stitches. Gun shots. Scrog. Hal. Tank. Sorrow. Relief. You.

I drove on making my way into the cemetery. I passed a headstone and I slowed down to watch how you encased me in your arms while I cried. The tears in my eyes made the picture fade way.

I drove a little further and slowly got out of the car. I put your Seals cap on my head and walked over to you.

You were leaning against the headstone and you greeted me like you always did. "Babe."

Every year it's always the same. I come here to see you, to talk to you, to tell you things that I didn't, like I should have done before. I fall to my knees and the flowers slip from my hands. My shoulders shake and I sob. I feel your arms holding me tightly.

"You never disappoint."

I cursed you and smacked you away. I was showered with white and sobbed harder when I realized I destroyed your flowers. I took the broken flowers and clenched them in my hands. I slammed them against your grave over and over and over again.

"I love you! I love you! I love you! I loved you, and I never got the chance to tell you."

I gathered the loose petals and cried at the mess I made at your beautiful grave. I draped myself over your grave believing that I was hugging you. I apologized through my tears and when I pulled away I saw a hand being held out to me. At first I thought it was you, but then I realized it was Tank. He helped me up as I stumbled not letting your grave out of my sight. He held me and I cried, wanting it to be you who was holding me.

He guided me back to the car and I saw you standing there. You removed your trademark sun glasses and grinned at me.

Unconsciously I asked, "What's that grin for?"

"It's the grin of a man who loves you, Babe." You answered. I came undone. I never got the chance to tell you I love you. I fought Tank's arms and ran back to your grave screaming for you to come back, but you were already walking away.

I screamed out to you: "I love you!"

You turned around and nodded then placed the sun glasses back on your face. Pointing to my hat you told me "That's a righteous hat, live up to it." Then you walked away and I had a feeling that this time, this year, I wouldn't see you again.

This was for you James. I love you and I hope you knew that before you were taken. I miss you. So much.