Author: MistofStars
Genre: Slash
Fandom: Green Street Hooligans Slash
Pairing: Matt Buckner/Pete Dunham
Comments: Absolutely
Author's Note: My first fanfiction in this fandom
Some Songs I've heard while writing this shall be named here too I think:
Stay Positive- The Streets; I dug up a diamond/ If this is Goodbye- Mark Knopfler; The little things give you away- Linkin Park
A new promise of hope
It wasn't that Matt had never thought about homosexuality before. Although it had always been something like a taboo to his mother, who had been strictly religious, and though it was something Matt was sure his father wouldn't accept, he knew that he was fine with gays. So was Shannon. But Matt had never considered himself being gay. He knew he had always been the "strange guy" and he had often been called a girl for being so "un-man-like". Anyway, after all it was hard to push these thoughts aside whenever Matt glanced at Pete, who sat right next to him on the couch, drinking a canned beer and watching some shit on television. The only light that illuminated the room was the television and it reflected its white light on Pete's face like it was showing an angel's face. His pale skin shimmered softly and his eyes were gloomy and deep. He seemed like he didn't watch television at all, like he was somewhere lost in his own thoughts. Matt remembered the ugly fight Pete and he had had today with Steve. Maybe Pete was still feeling bad about it although Matt knew he would never show this. Matt took a deep breath.
There were some moments when he felt completely drawn to Pete and then he studied his face, his eyes, and his gestures for so long that he forgot about time and everything around him. Pete beheld Matt suddenly for a few seconds, which made Matt shiver underneath his clothes- Pete's eyes felt like they were piercing right through his flesh to look into his heart and mind and Matt didn't feel capable to resist him his innermost life for too long. All he could do was staring into Pete's gorgeous green eyes. The seconds past by unnoticed, and all at once Pete gave Matt a sweet and honest smile, which felt like sunlight on a winter's day, like warm water after a breezy night outside. Matt smiled shyly back and looked away. He couldn't take this any longer.
"Let's call it a day, mate." Pete yawned and stretched heartedly. Then he stood up and tousled Matt's hair with a little laugh, whereupon Matt murmured a bit.
"I get you the blanket and a pillow."
With these words Pete left the room and Matt turned off the television. Suddenly it was very quiet and dark in the flat and Matt felt, now all alone with his thoughts and the voice inside that spoke to him, how contemplative he had become in the last few hours. Before giving this notion too much space inside of his head he soothed himself with remembering that this had been a long day with unfriendly events and that it might be better to finish it with a good sleep to turn at least the sleep into something good in the end. His eyes were burning already. Soon Pete returned and handed Matt the warm blanket and a good pillow to sleep upon. Not much later both said "goodnight" to each other and Pete walked to his own room, shut the door quietly and went to bed, too. Tired Matt pillowed himself on the couch in the living room and stared in the dark. With delight he noticed that the blanket spread Pete's fresh and pleasing scent. Every time Matt smelled it, it gave him a feeling of finally being at home and safe.
He yawned one last time, shut his lids, and fell asleep.
A few hours later Matt found himself in a dark, black dream, where nothing was to be seen. He walked around in the murk, but it was hopeless to find a way out. He stretched his hands out to protect his body, which was useless, because there was nothing he could run against. His heart pumped faster and faster and he took a few deep breaths. Breathing seemed so hard Matt wondered if there was oxygen at all in here. From the left he heard his sister's voice, really close to his ears, and it scared him and he jumped.
"Dad doesn't know? ... You always were his golden boy..."
Terrified Matt sat down on the cold floor, too frightened to go any further. He just wanted to stay in here and a little light that could take all his sorrows and fears away. He heard himself breathing, again and again, and he shivered all at once, because black snow was falling down on him. Grey light spread from above, but it only showed Matt that he was sitting in a grey room, with nothing in it except himself.
Again a voice was talking from below- it was his dead mother.
"I tell you, love: Homosexuality is an utter sin. It's something God will never forgive. I tell you, love... It's a sin. It's an utter sin..."
Matt screamed and tried to get away from the voice. He pressed his hands to his ears, but no second later he felt the hot blood streaming out of his ears, running down his shivering hands.
Pete awoke in the middle of the night. Confused he opened his eyes, stretched and saw that it was 4 am. He sighed, a bit angry that his body didn't let him sleep. Suddenly he heard strange noises coming from the living room- Matt sighed and moaned, in between the little screams that were to hear. They all sounded like fear and pain and torture. It sounded horrible and Pete felt bad all at once. Slowly he stood up and opened his door to the living room, where he saw a sleeping Matt in the darkness, who tossed and turned on the coach in his nightmare. Pete remained silent and thoughtful- it had been quite a while since he'd watched someone in his sleep. He sat down on one end of the sofa. All of a sudden Matt lied motionless and sighed one last time, whereupon he opened his eyes and looked right into Pete's face.
"What's going on?" he grated after a few seconds. Pete smiled.
"Nothing, man. I guess you've had a nightmare, that's all."
Matt made a grimace and stared on the blanket.
"Yeah, so to say."
Silence spread in the room and Matt knew that Pete's eyes were on him, an unspoken question lingered in the air. Finally he found the courage and the silence to speak.
"It was about my dead mum, you know. Nothing special, but just nasty." Pete chuckled a bit.
"Oh yeah, family" he sighed. "We all love family."
Matt rose and sat down beside Pete.
"Why aren't you asleep, Pete?" Matt asked quietly and concern was to see in his face.
Pete shrugged.
"Don't know... I just couldn't sleep anymore."
"Yeah, now I'm wide awake, too."
Matt sighed with a smile. Now he felt completely calm and happy to be in Pete's company. It was a joy that was somewhere unseen in his blood, pumping not only through his heart but through his whole body, making him feel warm and giddy all at once.
"Listen, mate. I really want to thank you again for today." Pete said after a while pretty quietly.
Matt gave him a glance.
"You already did. So, tell me, what's the matter?"
Pete gazed musingly and deeply at Matt in the dark. Again Matt was astonished by Pete's beauty. The moonlight shone right on his face and his skin was silver and marble- his eyes seemed like two dark seas, surrounded by a circle of glittering stars.
"You were the first one who defended me against my brother." Pete smiled shyly.
"I bet everyone would have done the same" Matt answered and shrugged his shoulder.
"No, no way." Pete said so sharply all at once, that Matt didn't dare to answer. Of course Pete knew that Matt didn't know Steve was the Major and that no one would fight for him if Steve told him not to. Maybe his mates were right, Pete thought. He couldn't be compared to his brother and to the deeds he had done all those years ago. His brother's shadow was still lingering over the GSE, the pub, the town and the men's minds. But what bothered Pete the most was the fact that his brother seemed to hate him sometimes, and that he only wanted to see the things like they fitted. That was not only a disappointment but also a bitter injury that made it hard for Pete to breathe against the ache and the anger inside of his chest.
"To him I'm only a beer-drinking stupid thug, nothing more." Pete heard himself say suddenly. The thought made him feel more miserable than before and he sensed a tear streaming down his cheek.
"Shame", Matt whispered.
Confused and ashamed Pete looked at Matt. He hoped Matt could not see the tear Pete had cried, the last thing he wanted to appeal like was being weak.
"What exactly do you mean?" he croaked.
Again Matt shrugged.
"Like I say: It's a shame that Steve only sees a thug in you. Because, well... I don't know you for a long time, Pete, but I can tell already that you're really a nice and caring guy. You fight for your friends, you know how to play fair and you're clever as fuck, remember?"
Matt laughed quietly.
But the laughers died in his throat when he heard a little sob coming out of Pete's mouth. As he looked at him in the grey and blue lights of the night he saw that Pete was crying, but even now, in this moment of vulnerability Pete hid his tears with one hand laid over his eyes. Matt appalled.
"Pete..." He moved closer.
"Hey, Pete..."
Carefully he put one arm around Pete's strong shoulders.
"What's the matter?"
Pete didn't answer. All he did was hiding his face in both hands now. He felt so ashamed.
Matt eyed him for a few silent moments. Then he understood.
"Oh, come on, Pete. Don't tell me you think the same miserable way about you, too. Really, I meant it like I said it: You're one of the good guys, no matter what Steve or Shannon think about you."
Pete sighed and now he put his hands down and looked sinister and exhausted right into Matt's eyes. Matt's arm was still lying over Pete's shoulder and he enjoyed the warmth and the feeling of security it gave him.
His heart quickened its pace as he pillowed his forehead on Matt's shoulder.
They were close.
Really close now.
Pete felt Matt's warm breaths stroking his neck; his fingers caressed his upper arm carefully.
"Thank you..." Pete whispered against Matt's shoulder, his voice sounded muffled and suffocated. He felt Matt's body chuckle and smiled softly, too.
"What for this time?" Pete sighed.
"For not making fun of me when I cry like a little girl. For your comfort, for being there..." He said in a serious and quiet voice. Matt became serious too.
"That's what friends are there for. And, honestly said, I'm very happy that you talk to me so freely. Sometimes it's really hard to guess what's going on in your mind." Matt chuckled a bit.
"And after all what you've done for me, it's more than just self-evident."
Pete smiled and moved closer, closer to this warmth and to this good-hearted young man next to him. Slowly he put one arm around Matt's hip and embraced him cordially. It felt good to have his chest right against Matt's, to be aware of every of his breaths and movements. He never wanted to let go. But then the moment came when they're bodies separated again and both were looking into each other's face, happy to have the other one at their side. Pete couldn't turn away, couldn't look away, couldn't think. All he could do was feeling drawn to Matt, to this comfort, this soul, his lips... He hadn't felt so good and safe in ages. Slowly he leant forward, not once looking away, but looking straight into Matt's gorgeous sparkling eyes. He felt Matt's breaths on his lips. Closer. He saw a smile on Matt's mouth. There was no fear, no refuse. There was joy and acceptance. Closer. Their lips met carefully and Pete kissed Matt softly, whereupon Matt shivered in sweet delight... Slowly they disengaged. Deeply moved Pete looked down. He couldn't believe what he was doing, what he was feeling. This was all new, but so good, so secure and dangerous all at once. His heart raced wildly inside of his chest, his lips were burning with the hottest and most exciting fire. He took a deep breath. Matt's face was close to his- he knew he was watching him, knew that it was he who breathed so softly and tremblingly against his cheeks. Pete aroused.
"I... I really like you, Matt." He whispered quietly.
It was hard for him to let this confession come out of his mouth. Matt smiled.
"I like you, too."
Amazed Pete looked up, right into Matt's face.
Matt only smiled as he saw Pete's expression- he had never felt so good and so loved like right now. Pete liked him a lot, and that was all that mattered for now. He framed Pete's face with his hands, whereupon Pete sighed and closed his eyes, completely enjoying the caress. Matt pulled him closer for another slow kiss. Pete's lips were soft, but his kisses were full with passion and soul- they took Matt's breath away. Shortly Matt pulled back.
"Yeah, I really do."
He laughed and Pete smiled and heaved a sigh of relief. He realized for the first time how badly he had wanted Matt's love and affection and that this was no end, but a beginning. A new promise of hope.
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