A/N: A very odd incident with me and my friends led up to a good short and random fic.
Title: Trick of the Mind
Rating: PG-13 (for mentions of sexual intercourse)
Genre: Humor
Characters: Nanao, Ukitake, Shunsui
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There is something about the end of everyday that heavily pleases Ise Nanao. Most likely, it's the time when she finishes all of the paperwork assigned for the day and looks forward to retiring to her room to read a good book. And before Nanao acts upon those said hobbies of the evening, she pays one last visit to the 8th division office to checkup on her drunkard of a captain, just to make sure he's okay. And not to be so drunk as to repeat the incident where he was drunkenly skipping and stumbling all over the division grounds...naked...
...and while the Shinigami Women's Association was in progress.
Arriving at the big 8-division office doors, her hand went to knock on the door. Then suddenly, a sound from beyond the mahogany doors made her body freeze.
"Ah...oh, Kyouraku."
She blinked once...twice. That sounded like Ukitake-taichou.
"Heh, feel good, Ukitake-kun?"
And Kyouraku-taichou? What are they...?
"Nngh...this feels amazing."
"Thanks. I take pride in my work."
"Just...a little...to the left. Ah!"
"Like that?"
"Y-Yes...just like that!"
Nanao raised a hand to her mouth in a gasp. Oh my...! K-Kyouraku-taichou and Ukitake-taichou! Wh-What should I do? Should I just go home? I mean...privacy is important, but...
"A little harder, Kyouraku. I can barely feel you. Mmm...faster too."
"Mmm...how's this?"
"Perfect."
"You're skin is so soft, Ukitake-kun. You're already turning red."
"I don't care, just don't stop! This feels so good!"
...yes! Privacy is important! Very important! THAT is why I should leave RIGHT NOW and forget about this whole thing! So I'll just...
"Ah! Kyouraku, you're too rough! You're hurting me!"
...turn around...
"My bad, Ukitake. Oops, you're bleeding a bit. Don't worry, it's not much."
...and walkâNO! I'll run home, and...
"Ah! K-Kyouraku! T-To the right a little...!"
"Like that?"
...forget everything...!
"Oh! Right there! Yes! Yes! Kyouraku!"
NO! I HAVE TO STOP THIS MADNESS!
The large 8-division doors were blasted into millions of pieces, and by the time the debris-filled air settled, Ise Nanao was kneeling with her fists planted on the ground and her head bowed low. Her body was visibly trembling.
"AS 8TH DIVISION FUKOTAICHOU ISE NANAO, IT IS MY DUTY TO INSURE THAT THIS HORRIBLE ACT OF MALE ON MALE MUTILATION CEASES AS OF NOW!! AND ABOVE ALL..."
She looked up, noticing no other movement in the room. What she saw completely stunned her.
13-division captain Ukitake Jyuushirou was leaning slightly over the large office desk, his hands firmly planted on it for support. He was noticeably naked from the waist up, sporting only hakamas and sandals.
8-division captain Kyouraku Shunsui was fully dressed, hat and frilly pink over coat and all, with both hands on Ukitake's back. At a closer look, you could see his back was glowing blood red with scratch marks on every piece of the alabaster flesh.
Both of them were sporting very priceless bewildered looks.
Her poor innocent mind was so fried, all that could come out of her mouth were sputters and mumbles.
"Eh...whaaa?"
"Nanao-chan?" Shunsui asked, suddenly concerned. "Is something wrong? What happened?"
"I...you...a-and him...the sounds...what...they...huh?"
As if he understood every recent event from her stutters, Shunsui's concerned face turned into his trademark 100-watt grin. "Ah...you see, my kawaii Nanao-chan, our dear handsome and most intelligent friend here mistakenly laid in some rare itchy-grass in his garden. So as the wonderful and caring friend that I am, I decided to lend both my hands to service him in his need."
"Hey! It wasn't my fault! Who would have known what kind of grass that was?!" Ukitake argued grumpily.
It took a few minutes for the hamster-on-a-spinning-wheel in Nanao's head to finally catch up to the information she was just told. "So...you...him...not...and...I...but..." she then began slowly giggling to herself, then loudly cackling.
"Hahaha!! I-Itchy-grass!? It was...it was itchy-grass!! Hahaha!!"
Her loud cackling turned then turned into childish sobs and hiccups.
Both men had thought she had lost it.
Shunsui helped her up and led her out of the room with cooing words and soft hushes.
"It's okay, Nanao-chan."
"K-Kyouraku-taichou...you bastard! I hate you! Waaaah!!" She wailed.
"I know, I know. Just get some sleep and I'll see you bright and early!"
"O...Okay...," she rubbed the tears out of her eyes childishly, "...I still hate you."
"I understand, my Nanao-chan. Goodnight, my lovely!" he called once she disappeared down the hallway.
Once she was gone, Shunsui couldn't help but chuckle to himself. Ukitake, on the other hand, still held a deep look of bewilderment on his face.
"I don't understand," he scratched his head, "Why was Nanao-san so hysterical?"
The bearded captain waved a passive hand to his friend. "Maa, maa, a man will never understand what goes on in the minds of women. And besides, I think our poor little Nanao-chan worked herself too hard today."
"Poor girl. Must be all the paperwork."
"Hmm...true." Shunsui agreed. Then, he turned to his friend, his eyes scanning over the man with a hungry gaze.
"Now," he grinned and licked his lips, "where was I?"
END
A/N: I hope everyone enjoyed this dirty little piece. Reviews are needed, even if you didn't like it. (But I just don't understand who couldn't love a cute couple such as UkitakexShunsui!!)
lots of love,
-Joker and the Thief