So I've been shamelessly neglecting this fic after promising I'd update a bit more regularly and I'm sorry about that. Hence an update. Once again thank you very much for the reviews and support. I do appreciate your feedback so much and like I've said before, it helps me know what you guys want for the next chapter.

Okay, I still don't own SoN, so don't sue!

Do You Know What I'm Seeing?

Chapter 5: Everybody hurts, sometimes.

Carmen stood and watched her best friend walk down the hall, Spencer's shoulders slumped while her legs seemed to angrily thumb the floor. There was suddenly something both angry and sad about her and Carmen was left just a tad bit confused.

She got that Spencer was pissed off because she let the cat out the bag about Kelly, but why would she seem sad?

"Great, I'm so fucked now."

She bit down on her lip and looked down at the doubled over Aiden. She kind of felt like kicking him in the ribs just for good measure, but she supposed that would be overkill. That and then he'd whine about it forever.

"She seemed mad."

Carmen turned towards Kyla, taking in the short girls frowning face and slightly accusing eyes. Wonderful, she'd already managed to make the new chick think she's some gossip whore that couldn't even keep her best friend's secret.

"Yeah, she's mad alright. And just so you know, it's not like that was supposed to be public knowledge or anything, I only told Aiden because...well, I didn't tell anyone else, you know? Just that moron."

She pointed to the white as death Aiden and gave in to her inner demon. She didn't kick him in the ribs, but she did 'accidentally' step on his fingers. The pain filled groan kinda made her feel better.

Kyla for her part just smiled faintly at Carmen's obvious abuse of Aiden and nodded her head.

"That's good, but I think you should be telling Spencer that and not me."

Carmen looked back down the hallway, but Spencer was long gone.

"Spencer slept with Kelly? My little Spencer? Who still has her 'My Little Pony' collection on display in her room?!"

Glen looked like he may vomit, or cry, Carmen wasn't sure. She felt like slapping the guy for making Spencer sound like some twelve year old girl, but figured she'd get a bad, well...worse, reputation if she did.

"Glen, shut up! Spencer's not a baby, okay? Yes, she slept with Kelly, she's gotten drunk before and on occasion she even says bad words like 'fuck' and 'shit'. Get over it, you've treated her like crap for the last few years and now all of a sudden you wanna play the concerned big brother? Where were you when she was bawling her eyes out, because all her so called friends ditched her? Where were you when people talked shit behind her back and made her feel like crap, huh? Nowhere, so really, don't give her shit about this!"

Then she's thumping down the hallway herself, leaving behind a stunned Glen, a whimpering Aiden and a silent Ashley. In her opinion, they could all kiss her ass today, she just didn't care. She had a best friend that's probably pretty pissed off with her and she thought she might be PMS-ing herself.

Carmen remembered Spencer said she thought she was PMS-ing when she snapped at her in the gym on Friday, so maybe they were like...in sync or something. She read somewhere that if you spend a lot of time with another female, you're cycles actually do that.

A hand on her elbow slows her down, because somehow she knows it's just Kyla. Carmen lets out an angry puff of air and gives her a half smile, because she realizes they've pretty much dragged the poor chick into their drama in less than a day. She figured Kyla was probably hoping to God right now that her Mom didn't marry Spencer's Dad or something.

"Sorry about that, it's not always like that with us."

Kyla smiled then at the hotheaded girl, strangely impressed with her impassioned speech back there.

"Honestly, I don't really mind. That was probably the most excitement I've had in months."

Relief floods through Carmen and she chuckles, a warm rush of feeling settling over her suddenly more relaxed body. Kyla seems to exude a certain calm that she can't help liking.

"Well, I'm glad we entertained you so much. I just hope the scene with Spencer is a little less...heated."

Carmen doubted it would be, because as much as Spencer could throw her toys if she wanted to, she was generally a chilled person and happened to have a soft spot for her. Still, it's not like Spencer was having the easiest time of it what with her Dad and all, so Carmen was a little nervous.

"I'm sure if you explain things she'll understand. I mean, she seemed so nice about the whole thing with me knowing about our parents dating and I'm a complete stranger, I doubt she'd be able to stay mad at you then over something like this."

Carmen couldn't argue with the logic in that statement and she gave a relieved smile, her arm snaking around Kyla's waist as she gave it an appreciative squeeze.

"Thanks. I think I needed to hear that."

They found Spencer in front of one of the girls bathrooms, her head halfway into her bag as she scratched around for her strawberry lip gloss. She was muttering under her breath and Carmen thought she heard something about 'baseball bat' and 'Carmen's head'. Her stomach dropped a little and her grip on Kyla's waist tightened.

"Uh...hey, Spence."

Spencer looked up and sighed, still feeling like she could just whack Carmen upside the head for telling her secret to Aiden of all people. They both new the guy was a complete moron after all. Before she could say anything though, Kyla stepps forward and gives her an uncertain smile.

"Just so you know, I don't think you're like...some whore or something now. Uh...so...yeah. Don't kill her or anything."

Then she gently shoves Carmen towards Spencer and walks off, sure that the two friends would appreciate some alone time to talk this through. She figured that even though it seemed they were all on their way to being friends, they weren't there yet and she didn't want to intrude. The two girls watch her walk off and then Spencer pulls Carmen into the bathroom.

"You promised you wouldn't tell."

Carmen shifts uncomfortably and leans against a stall, her eyes heavenward as she tries to find the right words to explain herself.

It's not like she really wants to tell Spencer that she was just jealous back then. It was natural she supposed, to feel left out when your best friend suddenly starts spending all her time with someone else. She knew she wasn't the first person to feel that way, to be unintentionally pushed aside when her best friend started dating someone, but she didn't enjoy the fact that she was secretly bothered by the whole thing.

Maybe if Kelly hadn't been such a skanky ho who basically stalked Spencer she would have handled the whole thing better, but she knew Kelly was bad news.

"Look, I know I promised and I meant it, it's just...I was a little..."

Carmen trails off, her eyes finding the floor now as Spencer stands and simmers in the corner.

Spencer already felt betrayed by her father and now her best friend was joining the party. Everyone was disappointing her in some way it seemed and it was getting her down. That combined with the ache that had started when she looked into Ashley's eyes was enough to make her feel just a little hurt, a little lost.

She hated doubting everyone like this, hated that she was so confused about Ashley all of a sudden and a very big part of her wanted to tell her best friend all about it, but Carmen was now suddenly part of the problem.

"Look, just tell me okay, I don't feel like standing around in a smelly bathroom while you figure a way out of this."

Carmen looked up, hurt at the tone in Spencer's voice. They never really fought, not seriously at least in the few years they had known each other and Carmen didn't like it one bit. She had enough fighting at home and with Aiden, she couldn't afford it with Spencer.

So she sucked in a breath and felt her face go red with embarrassment.

"I was jealous, okay? It felt like you were pushing me away and you were spending all your time with her and...I just felt...left out. So I got pissed off and maybe vented a bit towards Aiden." She was quiet for another second as she breathed deeply and rolled her eyes at herself. "I'm sorry."

Spencer couldn't help smiling at this.

Carmen wasn't the mushy type, she never said things like 'I love you' and she hated admitting it when she needed someone, so hearing her say that made Spencer actually giddy.

"Aw...you so love me! Come on, give me a hug Little Miss Needy."

Carmen snorted and tried to avoid Spencer's suddenly questing arms, her body rigid when she was finally trapped in a firm hug.

"Ugh...I'm not needy, okay! Stop hugging me! Come on, you're cutting off circulation here!"

She squirmed a little while longer before sighing and then relaxing, her arms going around Spencer and hugging back. She was actually so relieved that Spencer wasn't angry with her anymore she could cry, but public humiliation wasn't her thing, so she just sniffed once.

"I'm sorry I made you feel left out."

And Spencer was. She hadn't realized she was doing it at the time, but thinking back on it now, she had kinda blown Carmen off a few times to be with Kelly. It was just that Kelly had been her first girlfriend and everything was so new and great and she'd wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. She never gave a second thought to how that would make Carmen feel, seeing as before Kelly had come along, it was with Carmen she had spent most of her free time.

"Don't worry about it, we're even seeing as it is my fault your brother now knows you got down and dirty with someone. Uhm...I kind also bit his head off after you left, so if he calls me a raging bitch, that's why."

Spencer snickered and pulled back out of the hug, not wanting Carmen to have an affection over load or something and have a meltdown. She kinda liked having her around after all, hard ass attitude and all.

"Carmen, he calls you a raging bitch, because you are one."

Carmen for her part was just relieved that she was in the okay, because being out in the cold where Spencer was concerned was not an option. They were sisters in her eyes, family. The fact that there was no blood relation didn't mean a damn thing to her.

"Oh, right. That could be the reason I guess. Ugh...I should probably go check on Aiden too. I may have nullified any chance he had of making mini Aidens someday."

Somehow Spencer felt a little relieved almost at that prospect. She couldn't really deny that she thought that sterilizing Aiden was the best idea ever. The boy was stupid and she figured the world could do with less of that. Carmen would have been doing the public in general a service if that was the case.

"Yeah, I guess..."

There was something in Spencer's tone that stopped Carmen from walking out the door though. The fact that Spencer was staring at the floor with that sad look on her face didn't help much either.

"Spence? Are you okay, I mean I guess that's a stupid question with everything going on, but is there something else bothering you?"

Spencer stood for a moment and wondered at the wisdom of talking about this. Once the subject of Ashley was open for discussion, it was open. Things she might not want to, or be ready to admit, might be said. That and the fact that she still wasn't sure what she wanted to say was holding her back. She needed time to think things through before talking, she knew that, but a part of her needed to address it now.

"Do you think Ashley still cares about me?"

The question was out. She couldn't take it back, no matter how much she suddenly wished she could. Her stomach was queasy, a feeling of dread swirling around in her head. That was a dangerous question to ask, especially to someone like Carmen who knew her well enough to know there was probably something more behind it.

"Do I think...well, does it matter if she does or doesn't still care about you?"

The question stilled Spencer for a moment, her body seemingly switching off as she went somewhere else. Carmen could clearly see that Spencer was deeply lost in thought, her eyes vacant as she stared unblinkingly at Carmen's left shoulder.

The urge to wave her hand in front of the zombie previously known as Spencer and pull funny faces was strong, but Carmen managed to control it. Sometimes her own budding maturity surprised even her.

Spencer finally snapped out of her two minute coma, blinking rapidly. Her heart was beating with renewed force and her mind was clear except for one thought.

It very much mattered to her if Ashley still cared about her or not. It mattered so much, because she still cared about Ashley. She cared the days when she spotted Ashley in the quad at lunch and the girl wasn't smiling, she cared when Ashley missed a day of school because she was sick, she just cared...so much.

She also cared too much when she saw her brother kiss Ashley, when the couple laughed together and went out on dates. She cared that it wasn't her doing all those things with Ashley.

"Yeah, I think...I think it might matter to me. I think it might matter a lot, Carmen."

- - -

Ashley was angry. She was burning with anger and helpless to do anything about it.

Did she know she had no right to be angry, that she'd given up that right two years ago? Of course, still didn't make her any less mad.

It actually made her even angrier, at herself, at Spencer, just so much anger towards so many different people. Mostly she was mad at her mother and her father, mad that they were forced to live this false, happy life. That her mother's ambition in politics and her father's life in the spotlight as a clean cut rockstar meant she had to live up to so many standards.

The all American girl, with her cheerleader outfit and her basketball star boyfriend, with her good grades and her popular smile. She hated it all really. Hated the way Glen touched her, so sweetly and gently when she just wished most of the time he'd get it over and done with. Hated that no matter how tightly she closed her eyes and imagined someone else, it was always Glen that looked back at her when she finally opened her eyes.

Glen with his happy, goofy smile and blue eyes so much like his sister's.

Then she'd be back to getting mad at herself, back to hating her life so much. She didn't understand why she didn't just leave Glen, but then he'd come over to dinner and her mother would fawn all over him and her dad would talk basketball and she'd remember. Glen fit that picture of a happy family so well.

He was the all American boy and he fit so perfectly into the plan her mother had for her life.

Thing is he might have fit perfectly in their life and image, but no one, not another single soul, had fit Ashley as well as Spencer had.

Spencer let her be, never minded like her mother did when Ashley complained about cheer practice seeing as Ashley was actually pretty damn lazy and hated cheerleading, never made her feel like a failure because she didn't want to go to some big college and get a degree. Spencer had been the only person in her life that never wanted something from her, never tried to box her up or mold her into something she wasn't.

Then Spencer came out and Ashley was so afraid that Spencer was finally going to want the one thing from her that she couldn't give, no matter how much she wanted to.

So she pushed Spencer away, she worked her out of her life and gave in to her mother's prodding. She got the boyfriend they'd been bugging her about, became the captain of the cheerleading team and did even better in class.

So she lost Spencer and she had no one else to blame but herself and yet...

Yet she was still so mad at Spencer for sleeping with Kelly. She was mad that Spencer moved on and forgot the quiet, promising looks they once shared, forgot sleepovers where they curled into each other's bodies and fit so perfectly she'd positively ached from it.

Mostly she was mad at herself though for forcing Spencer to forget all of that.

"Babe, did you hear that? Carmen is such a...a...a raging bitch!"

Pulled back into the moment, the aching in her heart and burning anger died down to a quiet ebb. Back to playing her role, back to pretending.

"Hmm...well, what's new then? She's always a raging bitch in your eyes. Come on, I think Aiden's crying or something, maybe you should help him up."

It was pretty much true too, Aiden was five seconds away from bawling like a baby. His hand hurt and his crotch was on fire, a sharp pain shooting all the way up to his belly from the shock. Carmen had fucked him up in two moves flat and she was a girl. His ego was pretty much crushed along with his nuts.

Glen was still trying to clear his mind of the image of his baby sister, although Spencer was only born two minutes after him, going at it with Kelly. Well, not the actual image of them like, doing it, but the knowledge that they had! He really couldn't see why everyone in his family couldn't just be celibate or something.

Sighing, he leaned down and took Aiden's good hand, yanking him up. Glen was more than a little surprised when Aiden basically wrapped himself around him, almost hanging his full weight on the slightly smaller built boy.

"Jesus, Aiden. You weigh a ton, dude!"

Aiden just whimpered a bit.

"Fine, I guess I should take him...uh...where should I take him?"

They ended up dumping him at the nurses office where he got an ice pack for his hand and one for his nuts. Glen had to admit it was funny seeing Aiden sitting there, face scrunched up as he held strategically placed ice packs down. He got at least four shots off with his camera phone before Ashley took it off him.

Glen walked her to class then and gave her a quick kiss before wondering off, completely oblivious to the fact that Ashley had stiffened slightly at the contact. When she finally slumped down in her seat, her eyes fluttered about the room, looking as always for the one thing that makes her school day worth it.

She found it and felt her chest ease a bit, like she could breath for the first time after being at the bottom of the pool for too long. Her anger was still there, the hate that she carried daily with her, but it always seemed to fade at least a little bit when she saw Spencer.

So she sat and watched the girl, breathed in and out slowly and hoped that once, just once, Spencer would look up and see her. Would look up and know that she still cared, that she never ever stopped.

She was quite oblivious to the fact that Spencer already had her chance earlier in the day and that inside of the blond, there was a storm brewing...

- - -

And that's the update for today. So hopefully you liked and if you did enjoy it, I would appreciate some feedback. Same goes for if there's something bugging you, tell me and I can always try to fix it!

Okay, so...that's it for now. I'm back to work tomorrow, so the updates will be back to once a week if I have time. I'll try to do both SY: The Reunion and this one on the weekends, but it might be wishful thinking. Maybe I'll try to do them in turns or something.

Anyway, feedback is encouraged and very much appreciated!