Euthanasia
Disclaimer: I don't own it, but that much is obvious. SquareEnix, you have my undying respect.
Dedication: Ammy, who pwns at many things that I'm not even capable of halfway accomplishing.
Summary: Riku wants nothing more than to remember Sora forever. So, it should be perfectly fine to use Roxas, who is (and isn't) a copy of Sora.
Pairings: RikuRoku. TidusSelphie
A/N: Yanno what? I'll hold it all in until you've read it all.
V. Dies Irae
Lost and useless,
No more bruises
I'll burn this place down
Don't make no sound.
-Marianas Trench, "September"
"Riku? C'mon, man. This isn't funny. Riku?"
"What's going on—oh, shi—Demyx, what the--?"
"I don't know; he was just flipping out and stuff, kept saying that he could feel Sora!"
"Well, you can believe this; I'd like Riku to 'feel' his way to my fist! God. What's his damage? He's not the only one who was hurt by this. Roxas is hurting too, yanno?"
"Tidus, c'mon, can't you just—"
"I'm done making allowances, Dem, I'm done. Serves him right if he dies."
"Don't you dare…don't you dare say something like that…"
"Well, I—"
"How could you? You're te-terrible. You…"
"Sorry, sorry, I just—"
"You think it's okay to just give up on him? Like he's some problem kid that we can't be bothered with?"
--
Wednesdays were not meant to be cheerful days.
On these days, the entirety of the world seemed to fold inside itself, melting everything into an undesirable mess of facts. On such days, the professors seemed to assign more homework than usual—as if they needed to pile on more assignments to make sure that they could pass over the ordeal of weekend homework.
This was the day that Riku slaved away at a cesspool of disease for exactly two dollars and fifty-eight cents above minimum wage. There was no such thing as a raise at this job, although it did guarantee eternal embarrassment for actually admitting to being an employee at such a business.
It was really just his luck that his friends were terribly amused with his predicament, and tried to visit whenever they could.
"Welcome to Happy Fun House, how may I help you?" Riku droned, staring blearily out of the peepholes in his costume. He yanked his large, furry tail from underneath a passing toddler's foot and mumbled a series of expletives before looking up.
"Wow, Ri. Lookin' good." Sora chirped, swatting his matted behind. He waggled his eyebrows, suggestively. "Riku-waiter? Baby, you can serve me anytime."
--
"We should just leave. Tell the landlord. Let him sort it out; this is way beyond us."
"We can't—god, what are you on? There's no way we can hide this; they'd lock him up, Tidus, like some nutcase!"
"Ri's not exactly stable, you know?"
"My GOD. Just GO, okay? Get out!"
"Demyx, put the glass down…"
"Get out of here!"
--
Some imaginable afternoon, where rain slapped itself around the windowpanes, where Riku sat outside on the front porch of a summer house of indeterminate ownership, playing his guitar. No one else had wanted to venture out into the heavy precipitation, leaving Riku on his own to try to fish out some song that was appropriate for rainy days.
"Do you realize that you have the most beautiful face?
Do you realize we're floating in space?
Do you realize that happiness makes you cry?
Do you realize that everyone you know someday will die?"
The Flaming Lips wasn't exactly what he was looking for, but it was what came to mind.
Riku struck a sour note, pulled a face, and continued his song. He cast a meaningful look at his friends, who had grouped in front of the window once they had heard the soft playing. He smiled at them, and mouthed, "Come outside." Axel reached behind him, scrawled something onto a piece of paper, and held it up to the glass. Shut up, you hippie. Sora waved energetically from his dry haven, blowing kisses to a sopping wet Riku.
"And instead of saying all your goodbyes, let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last."
The door creaked open, and Sora slipped through. Making a futile attempt to dry the spot next to Riku, he sat down and listened, adding in his own soft tenor, albeit being slightly off-key. "You realize the sun doesn't go down." His voice cracked, and he blushed, but solidly continued. "It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round."
The guitar strings stopped moving, and Riku set the instrument to the side. He put his face close to Sora's, only inches of space between them.
"Do you realize—" Riku breathed, brushing Sora's cheek with his lips. "---that you have the most beautiful face?"
--
"Paging Roxas Abe…This is, um, Tidus Honda, using Demyx's cell. Listen, man, you've gotta show up. Riku's lost it, and it's—it's, god, it's just wrong. It's scary. I know you're pissed or whatever, but this is the limit. He's not…Riku's not moving or anything, he won't say anything, it's like he just shut down. It's like, he's quiet and then he starts screaming over and over, 'GET HIM OUT GET HIM OUT GET HIM OUT', and goes back to being still. I don't know what to do. Demyx doesn't know what to do. We…we need you, Roxas. We can't do this alone."
--
"You gonna write a song about me?" Sora asked, clambering onto a chair and watching Riku tune instruments with widened eyes. The silver haired male shrugged, pulled at a knob on his violin, and propped it under his chin. Several pieces of hair escaped the hairpins, and he heaved a great puff of air, blowing them upwards.
"Dunno. Maybe." He said lazily. The violin was abandoned in favor of the guitar, where he merely pulled back a few of the strings before letting them rest. "Depends how long you stick around."
"You mean, how long I live?" Sora said bluntly, crawling over to where his boyfriend sat. "Geez, Riku. If I die, I want a song to commemorate my memory even more. I want live concerts with 'The Ballad of Sora' playing! I want my face on t-shirts! That way, you can't forget your first booo-ooyfriend." He slapped the cover of the bed for emphasis and smiled broadly.
Riku's face was still. "Don't talk like that. You're not going to die. No one's going to die."
Sora came over to him, wrapped his arms around his middle and muttered into the soft fabric of his shirt, "That's right. No one's going anywhere."
--
"Hey, Roxas, did you hear? Riku's in the hos—"
"Yeah, I know. Move. I'm late for Calculus."
"Whoa. Okay, stop. What the hell, man? What's with you?"
"I said move."
"Your boyfriend's in the fuckin' hospital, could you at least pretend to be concerned?"
"To put it frankly…I don't really give a damn."
"…The hell are you on?"
"Didn't you get any of what I explained to you? Riku Kisaragi is like a goddamn parasite. He's sucked out any part of sympathy I might've ever had for him. Good bye."
"Roxas, he's in the hospital."
"Yeah, so?"
--
They loved each other, but that didn't mean their love was without arguments. Sora would leave the light on when he left the apartment; Riku would forget to pick him up from the veterinarian clinic. Riku wouldn't meet Sora's parents. Sora never came on time to Riku's gigs.
When they quarreled, people got hurt.
Riku sometimes liked to get high, and Sora hated him for it.
Sora liked to be intentionally vague about things, and Riku hated him for it.
"You don't understand!" they'd scream at each other, and then the doors would slam, ringing in the sudden quiet. Sora would blubber into the phone to some girl named Kairi that Riku didn't know and always felt irrationally jealous of. Riku would punch the walls; let his knuckles turn to fat plums from abusing the plaster.
Nothing ever got solved on those nights, nobody ever ventured at any apology. Just Sora, crawling into Riku's bed in the morning, rubbing his swollen eyes against the flannel of his pajamas.
--
"Hey, Riku, how d'you feel?"
"Stupid question."
"Yeah, sorry….You look pretty messed up. Wanna talk?"
"Not really."
"O-okay."
"But I'm probably going to anyways."
"That's fine with me. If you wanna talk or...sleep or something. I'm not going anywhere."
--
There was this one time, when Sora was working late at his veterinarian clinic; something about some hideously ugly dog that Riku had had the misfortune to meet. It was not a nice-looking dog. It was not even an evenly-tempered dog.
But somehow, this dog was preventing Sora from seeing Riku's gig.
"I'm sorry, Ri," Sora wailed into the phone as he petted the canine's fur soothingly. The dog snapped at his fingers, and Sora withdrew them, sighing. "It's just that, you know how it is. I'll be late, and by the time I get there, it won't be worth it, really…"
"It's okay." Riku said coolly, in a voice that hinted at that the situation was most definitely not okay. "I understand."
"Great. You're the best, Ri." Sora babbled, and threw a quick pecking noise to the receiver before hanging up. Riku scowled, throwing his cell phone into the back seat of his car.
--
"Roxas, c'mon, this isn't like you. This is your boy, alright? Go see him."
"I don't want to."
"Quit being such a child."
"Quit forcing me into things I don't want to do."
"Quit—you know what? Fuck this. And fuck you too, Roxas."
--
Sora slept awkwardly; legs outside of the sheets while his fingers clutched the remainder of the cotton up to his chin. His toes scraped the edge of the bed while they nudged Riku's feet over the ledge, pushing them away from the blankets. He took up all the space in the bed, his body half-turned away.
Riku hated the way Sora slept.
Riku would leave his shoes all over the place; sneakers spilling out of the umbrella case, sandals littering the bathroom. He didn't like the way Riku left globs of toothpaste in the sink, or the way he would leave empty boxes in the pantry.
So, if Riku hates the way Sora sleeps and if Sora hates the way Riku can't tidy himself, then really, really, didn't this mean that they couldn't stand each other?
--
"I don't want to go. I don't want to go to some…mental hospital and see Riku stapled down to some gurney so he can't claw himself to death. So he can't –ki—go away forever. I don't want to see that, okay? I don't want to see that, ever."
--
The hospital smelled too much like death and insanity for anyone to want to stay. And it's not like Riku was the ideal patient—he didn't say anything to anybody, just kept quiet and seething at anyone who breathed in his direction.
Demyx and Axel came every other day…or other week, depending on whether or not they felt up to feeling Riku stare two inches past their heads. Selphie sometimes came with them, sometimes not.
Tidus stopped coming after the first visit.
Roxas never came at all.
--
"Hey, Tidus, Riku's doing better."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah?"
"Goody for Riku, man."
"Why'd you—"
"Look, do you understand how freaky Ri was being? He talked to the WALLS for god's sake! He kept talking to the walls, or the nurses, or-or-or-me, Dem, me. Kept saying, 'Hey, Sora, what's wrong?'. To me, Demyx! Do you know how awful that feels?"
--
Technically, it wasn't a breaking-and-entering job. Technically, it wasn't illegal.
Roxas shoved open the door with his shoulder, opening up to a room with the leftover scent of marijuana, ashes, and spices. He tip-toed past the broken glass, the paper shreds, the picture frames, and over to the closet. He swept the ticket stubs out of the way with his foot. He kicked the cassettes out of the way.
"How chaotic."
Nearly buried beneath all the rubbish was a slip of paper, halfway eased out of its envelope casing. From where he was standing, Roxas could just barely see the "Dear Riku" part written in Sora's familiar chicken scratch. He bent down and tugged it upwards.
--
Dear Riku, I'd just like to say...
--
Riku lolled his head to the side, watching his fingers wiggle from the straps. His forearms were still forced to the gurney and he couldn't move around much, but he could waggle his fingers. Pathetic, really.
"Hey." He said softly. "Hey, Demyx."
The bassist jerked upwards from his slumber, chin bobbing momentarily as he assessed his whereabouts. Upon realizing that he was still in Riku's ward, he gave his friend an uncertain smile and replied, "Umm?"
"I've been thinking. About…stuff. And I'm thinking that maybe, that maybe this isn't fair. Maybe I shouldn't do this to you guys. You don't deserve this stuff."
"Uh—"
"So I was thinking, maybe, I'd like to go away." Riku smiled, and really, honestly, truly, Demyx sort of wanted to cry.
But the worst part was when he turned to Demyx and said, smiling, "Hey, would you kill me? Be a pal and help me out."
--
...that I love you, I do love you (quite a bit) but god, you're so difficult. You're a handful, Ri. Nearly impossible. And I know I piss you off sometimes, and we fight sometimes and sometimes things just don't go right-...
--
Demyx didn't take Riku's offer too well.
"Are you—are you stupid?" he breathed, backing away. "Are you—deranged? I'm not going to do that! I'd never do that! You—stupid! Idiot!" He pushed back his seat, crossing the feet over to Riku's gurney in a couple of steps. "You—you don't have the right to die!"
"I guess you could say that." Riku shrugged. "But I also don't have the right to live."
"No, you don't want to live. You're just being lazy, Riku, and-and—selfish. See, this is what I meant by selfish and stupid and, god, Riku! What about us? Me, and Axel? And Roxas?"
--
...but I believe we can make it. We can do this together, Riku. If you could just stop being so pigheaded and stubborn all the time, this could be so easy. So, so, easy, baby, like some dingy waltz through a relationship or something, and sure, sure we have bumps and shit, but the point is we work it out! We don't hole up in corners and do nothing, you see?...
--
"If—If you wanna d-d-die, you can do it by yourself!" Demyx bawled. He gave Riku a shrug against his gurney, snatched up his jacket and left, sending some odd sort of sobbed farewell at Riku from the hospital's corridor.
Riku rolled his eyes. There's no need to be so dramatic.
See, Riku didn't feel "depressed". Riku didn't feel "selfish". Riku wasn't being tormented by the ghost of Sora, or hearing voices like the doctors thought he was.
Riku was feeling fine.
He rolled his head to the side and called down the hallway, "Nurse? I'd like to go outside."
--
...and it's not just about you, Riku, it's about me, too. It's about me as well, and I think that you need to realize that. My things are important too. It's not just always about you. It's not just "The Riku Show" 24/7, okay? Sometimes things concern me just as much as you...
--
The height was dizzying.
He was balanced on the edge, arms flung out to his sides, and he felt ridiculous, he felt moronic.
But god, did it feel good.
He sucked in air to his chest, letting the wind blow his hair into his face. As he exhaled, he whispered, "Hey, Sora, can you see me now? Can you see me, from wherever you are? Can you see me, baby?"
Riku laughed, but the sound that came out so ugly that he shut up immediately.
(fight away the bad dreams, Sora! The monsters under my bed, the monster-life that I've been living till now!)
His bare toes curled over the building's ledge. It hadn't been easy, getting the nurse to release him from the crazy ward---not like he belonged there in the first place. He wasn't one of those mumbling forgetters, one of those hopeless ramblers who wasn't going to get anywhere.
Riku knew where he wanted to be.
--
...And I still love you through all of us, honestly I do. Though I'm not too pleased with you right now, I bet you know that. I might've said I hated you, Ri, but I never could. I could never spend time with a person I hated. I do love you, Riku Kisaragi. I love you, you idiot.
--
"And it breaks my h-h-h-heart…Mmm-hmm? Who's this?"
"Selphie, it's Roxas. Are you busy?"
"Well, um, actually I was gonna---"
"Great. I need you to go with me somewhere…um, that hospital that Riku's in—I dunno where it is, really, so it'd be a lot better if you could just. Uh…"
"…Come with you?"
"Yeah! I mean, sure. If you want to."
"'Course I want to; I haven't seen Ri in a while! Bring flowers, okay?"
"Why do I have to?"
"Because you're apologizing, right?"
"I never said that---"
"You don't have to. I can tell."
--
There really ought to be some sort of fanfare for this. Something dramatic, something pulsing that shouted "The end!"
But when he strained his ears, there wasn't any music or…whatever. What was he expecting, anyways?
"That's so stupid." He grinned. "But it doesn't matter."
--
Riku, baby, you make me feel so alive.
--
He'd thought that, maybe, it'd go by slowly. Like he would somehow be carried by the wind and magically transported onto the pavement hopefully a bit less alive than he'd started out.
Dying, he thought, was not all it was cracked up to be. It wasn't one of those flying dreams, either---the wind was too harsh; beating at his face, activating his tear ducts. And the way it was going, he was going to land head-first on the road, right in front of the hospital.
Fuck.
He clawed frantically at the air, as if he could hoist himself up somehow and crawl back up the building. He failed, miserably, and instead alerted a few passersby to his situation.
Someone screamed, and he thought, It's not supposed to be like this.
It went too quickly. He wasn't ready, he wasn't ready, he wasn't---
It could've been a trick of the light, but he thought he saw Roxas—or someone who looked a great deal like him---appearing from around the corner, a large bouquet of tulips in his arms.
Walking towards the hospital.
Seconds before he hit the concrete, he saw Roxas's eyes widen to the size of marbles. They glistened, they shined and---
(don't you cry, angel)
"..Ri?"
(I wanted to see you. I couldn't wait, I--)
---Riku erupted on the sidewalk.
Before his vision clouded over, Riku strained every one of his senses for Sora. But he couldn't see him, couldn't hear him, couldn't be with him, and wasn't that just such a waste of time?
He wanted to cry, but he couldn't. Tears aren't much of use to a dead man.
Someone called an ambulance.
Selphie fainted.
"Oh my god!"
"He jumped! He jumped from the freaking roof!"
Sirens. Shouting. Anxiety. Fear.
His screams could be heard for miles.
There wasn't much of a body for a funeral; the filaments were torn, the scalp nearly separated from his head, clotted blood soaking and clumping through the fine hair. Riku's parents showed up and requested that the body be cremated and sent in a vase to them.
A year later, they put the vase in the basement because they couldn't "stand to look at it anymore, and be reminded of the pain we went through when we lost our only child!"
Roxas thought that was a pretty generous thought, given that they hadn't shown up at the small gathering they'd thrown together to mourn Riku's death. Not that he could talk; he'd appeared for about an hour to assure people that yes, he was alive (if not well), and no, he wasn't going to try to "follow Riku".
He didn't talk to Axel anymore, couldn't sit still in Selphie's company without wanting to squirm or scream or both. Tidus avoided him at school. Demyx always seemed to be red-eyed and weepy whenever they ran into each other.
But he still got the notice.
Roxas,
This is important. Be at Seventh Heaven at 7:00 p.m. You owe it to Riku, Sora, and the band.
And more importantly, you owe it to yourself.
--Axel
The band was assembled in all their finery on Seventh Heaven's stage, adjusting microphones and tuning guitars. The college students grumbled and lightly protested in front of them, muttering as to why there wasn't any music; this was a concert, right? Or at least, from where Roxas was sitting on the stairs, that's what it appeared to be.
"This is---"Axel's vocal chords creaked and broke, unaccustomed to be use. He coughed and said again, "---this is Upside Town, minus one, but yeah, not really. Riku's here." He knocked a fist on his chest. "He's here, and…this song's for him. Wherever you are, Ri, I hope the amplifiers are loud enough to reach you."
Upside Town usually tore into their songs, but this one went slow. Tidus started up with a slow, steady beat, followed by Demyx's bass, and then Axel cut in with a low, creaking voice.
Roxas stood stock-still the entire time.
It's a requiem.
The amplifiers were turned up as high as it could go, and several people had backed up, hands clamped over their ears. The doors were opened and people on the street were complaining; it wouldn't have been out of line to say that you could hear the band playing for more than a couple of blocks.
Demyx trying not to cry, because then he'd miss a note and screw everything up.
Tidus's concentration on his drumming.
Axel's voice, creaking and soaring and beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.
"I'm not afraid to die; I'm just a little bit sacred of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot?
Do I float through the ceiling?"
Three buildings down, someone grunted that they ought to call the police. They were immediately ordered to be quiet.
"Do I divide and fall apart?
'Cause my bright is too slight
To hold back all my dark
And the ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands---"
Roxas's fingers turned bone white as they clutched onto the railing. He wheezed uncomfortably, hauled himself up, and walked stiffly out of Seventh Heaven. His legs carried him up the staircase, past the emergency exit, and onto the building's roof, where he could breathe in the night air so sharply it hurt and taste every ounce of his fear on his tongue and---
"This is the last time I ever cry for you."
He curled his knees up to his chest and bawled like a toddler. Like he ached, like he was going to cease to exist if he couldn't get every bit of tears out of his system for that boy out now. He cried sloppily and messily and ended up drying a blend of tears and mucus on his sweater and probably looked like a hot mess but,
He didn't care.
He was going to cry and he was going to scream and fight and whatever else he felt like doing; mourn Riku, talk to Axel, avoid Selphie---whatever he wanted.
He was going to stay in love with Riku.
Just until this night was over.
--
Roxas,
Don't ever think that I didn't love you. As you, as yourself.
I still think you're beautiful.
-Riku
EUTHANASIA: THE PLAYLIST (version 2.0)
Theme: September (Marianas Trench)
Your Ex-Lover Is dead (Stars)
Take It (Staind)
Riku: I can Barely Breathe (Just Surrender)
The Kill (30 Seconds to Mars)
Axel: Compliment Each Other Like Colors (PlayRadioPlay!)
Roxas: Edit (Regina Spektor)
I Hear Noises (Tegan and Sara)
Tidus: M79 (Vampire Weekend)
Let the Drummer Kick (Citizen Cope)
Demyx: There's No 'I' in Team (Taking Back Sunday)
Not the Doctor (Alanis Morissette)
Selphie: One—Blake's Got a New Face—(Vampire Weekend)
Riku/Sora: Midnight in a Dream (I Left You for Summer)
This is Everything (Tegan and Sara)
Riku/Roxas: Elephants As Big As Whales (PlayRadioPlay!)
The District Sleeps Alone (The Postal Service)
Gotta Have You (The Weepies)
Riku/Sora/Roxas: Isabelle (Gregory & the Hawk)
Riku's requiem: Clocks (Coldplay)
Jesus Christ (Brand New)
Honestly, the only thing I can think of is to ask you to download these songs, or listen to them, or whatever. Reconstructing this playlist took up a bit of time, and the songs are used to convey the moments and whatnot. Seriously, guys...the songs are important. Listen to the music. (And review, but need I say that, after all this time?)
I'm really sorry that it's over, but I'd like to thank everyone that reviewed this story, anyone who put it on their Alerts or Favorite Stories List. Thank you so, so much.
Special thanks to my pallies (Dubious & Static) for being sweet and lovely as always.
It's be a while since this started, and it's come so far ( I think).
Thanks, guys. It's been realer than real.