He'd jumped on the offer of a weekend away, even if it was a lavish weekend wedding, when Addison had indicated that she needed a date. She didn't want to attend the nuptials of one Calliope Torres to her erstwhile lover, Mark Sloan, when the best man was her ex-husband, on her own. Cooper could sympathize with that, having his own share of too complicated sexual relations, despite his philosophy of casual Internet hookups. They'd bonded over their mutual failure to date someone suitable when Cooper had walked out on a naked Violet and Pete stood Addison up, so it had been decided that they'd be losers together and eat lots of cake.
It turned out the Torres were loaded and Cooper had felt out of his element as the smell of old money wafted off everything and everyone. He'd known Addison was from Connecticut, but he'd quickly figured out, when placed into this environment, that she was a trust fund kind of girl and not only a double board certified surgeon. She mingled effortlessly and the hosts seemed to have taken a definite shine to her. So, tired of feeling like he was the redheaded bastard stepchild, Cooper may have neglected to correct the mistaken assumption of Nana Torres and a few other people that he was the lovely Addison's 'beau.'
At first, he'd justified it by reasoning that Addison didn't need Derek Shepherd and his pubescent looking date, or Mark Sloan who'd married a truly stunning woman, to know that she was single, but now, as the hour of his judgment crept nearer, Cooper recognized that it had more to do with his unease at socialization with people over the age of twelve. And, Addison would probably kill him for insinuating himself into her love life.
Hence, the epic fail and he hadn't even gotten to taste any cake.
That was the only explanation as to why he was here, hiding out in the Torres' pantry instead of mingling with the other wedding guests like someone with decent social skills would be doing. He hadn't meant to hide, really. He'd just gotten a little overwhelmed at the whole talking to other adults thing and he'd stepped away for a moment to take a break. He hadn't even known this was the pantry when he came in, but it suited his purposes nicely.
It was quiet in here, and there weren't any people asking him how long he'd known Addison, or how long they'd been dating and what kind of surgery did he specialize in? He knew he should get back out there, that Addison would be wondering where he was and it was very rude to abandon your date like that. And, he would return, in just a minute. Right after he finished bracing himself to face the people out there again.
"So what do you think of Addison's date?"
Cooper froze at the sound of the woman's voice, not sure whether he wanted to hear what they thought of him. He didn't have much choice, though, considering his only choices were either to come out of the closet (and yes, he was aware of what that sounded like) or to huddle on the floor in here with his fingers in his ears. That was a little too sad, even for him.
Peering through the crack in the door, he saw that the woman's voice belonged to the skinny woman-child who was attending the wedding with Derek Shepherd. Standing with her was Addison's ex himself. Cooper groaned silently. This was so not good. He hadn't had a whole lot of interaction with either of them, but enough to know that he was none too popular with the other man.
"I think he's cute. Nice eyes, good teeth and a hot ass." A tall blonde, whose name Cooper couldn't remember, stopped to look at the couple by the counter. "Oh, you weren't asking me." She looked completely unrepentant at butting into a private conversation and Cooper smiled at her assessment of his totally hot ass.
"Don't you think he looks kind of like me, though?" Addison's ex asked.
Oh, they looked nothing alike! Cooper palmed his face. How conceited could you get? Addison was moping over her failure to date eligible men, but she wasn't clinging onto her ex-husband. In fact, the first mention Cooper ever heard of an ex-husband had been when she talked about the invitation to this wedding. He did kind of look a bit like Pete, though. If Pete had been short and had a broken nose, that was.
"Please," the blonde scoffed. "You're a shimp and have a crooked nose." Hey, great minds think alike! It was really too bad there was no graceful way for Cooper to get this woman's contact details for some hot cybersex. "That's why you're Pretty and Sloan is Prettier."
Shepherd looked affronted, but his date spoke before he could reply, "I think he's adorkable."
"Adorkable? That's not even a word!"
"It is. He's kind of dorky, but adorable," the date said sweetly and Cooper wondered if she was trying to wind up her guy. "Did you not see him interacting with those kids?" Because Derek Shepherd clearly didn't like this turn of the conversation.
Raising up from his slouch at the counter, the other man looked like even more of a sourpuss. "You think she'll have children by him?"
Okay, whoa, this was moving from strange into bizarre and never-gonna-happen. Addison and Cooper were just friends and colleagues, not even a couple and here her ex was contemplating whether or not they would have kids. And, looking pretty prickly about it too. Maybe he didn't like children?
"Their babies would have very pretty eyes." The date smiled innocently at Addison's ex-husband, who looked even more annoyed. "I think they're sweet together."
Really, this whole eavesdropping thing wasn't half-bad. Cooper found himself grinning, even though he knew there was no reason to. According to Addison's friends, he was some adorable (albeit dorky, but that wasn't anything he didn't already know) guy with a cute ass who would have pretty-eyed babies with an incredibly hot woman. He felt like one of those studs he was always pretending to be online.
"Yeah, really sweet," Derek snorted. "If he's such a sweet, dreamy guy, then why has Addison been by herself out there for the last half hour? What do you want to bet he's holed up in some closet somewhere with one of the other bridesmaids?"
"Hey!" Before he could even think about it, Cooper had pushed the pantry door open and marched out to confront Addison's ex-husband. He planted his hands on his hips in his most intimidating posture, but couldn't for the life of him think of what to say next. "There aren't any bridesmaids in there! I was just looking for cake!"
The tall blonde who'd been going about her business, which seemed to involve strawberries, turned to peek inside the pantry. "Yeah, no half-naked women in there. There are thin mints, though." She grabbed a packet, tasted one and chewed thoughtfully. "Not bad." She offered it to Cooper.
Resigning himself to feeling humiliated, he took one and nodded to her in approval. They were good. Not cake, but in its absence, they were acceptable piehole stuffers. Anything that would keep him from shoving his foot further down his own throat was a good thing.
"The groom's cake is delicious," Addison's ex-husband's date said, finally recovered from his sudden appearance. "Very rich chocolatey goodness, don't you think so?" She turned to Derek, who was studying Cooper with a glare he found disconcerting.
"So, Cooper..." Derek started, only to be interrupted by the arrival of another woman.
"This is where the cool kids hang out?" The tall brunette looked around curiously.
What was with all the women being statuesque at this party? With the notable exception of Addison's ex's date, who was teeny tiny and looked like she could stand to eat a hearty meal or three. Then again, Derek Shepherd wasn't very tall, so maybe the date was compensation for his feelings of inadequacy? Cooper was pretty sure Addison in heels was a good deal taller than her ex-husband.
"Well, we're still undecided on teaching Shepherd there the secret handshake. A thin mint?" the blonde offered the newcomer a treat.
"Thank you. You're Hahn, right, cardio?" the brunette munched on her chocolate. "Shepherd, obstetrics, and as someone who knew Derek when he was a bandgeek, I have to say you're doing the right thing."
At that, Cooper snickered. At least there was no one at this party who could out him as a Dungeons & Dragons fanatic in junior high. He'd been a wizard who'd launched fireballs at his foes. He'd also composed love songs on his guitar to the girl of his dreams, which he of course had been too chicken to play for her. Maybe Derek had written an ode to love and played it on his tuba outside Addison's bedroom window?
"I don't believe I know you." The brunette pointed a finger at him and Cooper swallowed his mouthful of chocolate. "You're here with Addison, right?"
"Uh, yes, I am." Cooper nodded, grateful that his words were coming out semi-coherently, at least. "Cooper Freedman. I'm a... uh..." He tried to find something to say that wouldn't sound like he was Addison's boyfriend, but also wouldn't sound like he wasn't. "I'm in charge of pediatrics down at the Oceanside Wellness Group."
He winced. That made it sound like Addison had asked a coworker to come with her to the wedding because she didn't have a date. Which was true, but he hadn't wanted to admit it to her ex and her friends and he suspected that she wouldn't be too happy either. Even if she'd never given him permission to pretend to be her boyfriend. Life as Cooper was complicated!
"You do pediatric surgery?" Addison's ex raised an eyebrow at him, as if he wasn't sure whether Cooper was putting him on or not. "Maybe you could give me a consult later on a case I've been working on. A three year old boy with a spinal tumor. Very sad."
"Uh, yeah, that is," Cooper began, not sure whether he could get his way out of this one.
He could tell that Derek was trying to goad him, and that he knew perfectly well that Cooper wasn't any surgeon and was merely looking to embarrass him in front of everyone. Cooper considered himself a really easygoing guy, but he couldn't understand why Addison would have married such a jackass.
"Now, Derek, don't get all territorial on your replacement. You have new territory on which to..." his sister drifted off, but nodded toward his date.
"Piss," the blonde, Hahn, supplied helpfully and popped another thin mint into her mouth.
Cooper was grateful to the women for tag-teaming the other guy off his back, but he had a feeling it was only a matter of time before they would turn on him. They were much like a circling pack of wolves, rounding up their prey. Addison's ex was leaning on the counter again, shaking his head and muttering something about four sisters.
"So, Addison's new guy," the Shepherd sister of unknown first name looked him over, "You're cute."
If he'd known he'd be studied like some kind of freaky specimen in a petri dish, Cooper would have stayed at home. Addison's friends were scary and predatory, making Charlotte King seem declawed in comparison. They were also hot and it had been a while since three women at once eyed his ass in quite this way.
"Yeah, I just said the same thing, but that was before I knew he likes to lurk in pantries," Hahn added conversationally, offering the other woman another chocolate. "It's a little weird, the pantry lurking."
"He was just looking for cake," the date spoke up for Cooper. "It doesn't make him a pantry lurker."
It was sweet of her to defend him, covering up his deficiencies, but he'd gotten the impression that the best man's date felt every bit as much like an outsider as he did. The feast served up at the rehearsal dinner the night before and the church wedding with a dozen bridesmaids, the bombastic organ music and the cloying scent of roses -- it all underscored the sense that romance and, by extension, happiness were an indulgence for those who could afford the grand gestures. Emotional vagrants holed up in the pantries, comfort eating scraps and eavesdropping on the well-adjusted.
Addison's ex snorted, "He was probably looking for a safe place to avoid Addison."
"Hey!" Cooper put his hands on his hips and struck his best outraged tough guy pose... which probably looked as butch and intimidating as Sam's little rat-dog, but he had to do something. "I wasn't hiding from Addison! I just said I was looking for cake!"
He thought for a moment. "I was going to get her some! Yeah!"
Cooper could see why the ex-husband would be bummed Addison had left him. She was hot, smart, kind and had a beautiful smile, but all this misdirected hostility was annoying and not just a little pathetic. Derek Shepherd could use a session or two with Violet to get over himself.
"Easy there, big boy." The Shepherd sister patted his arm. "My baby brother doesn't like to share his toys, but we know how to keep him in line." She grabbed Derek's arm, twisting the skin as he yelped in surprise.
"Shit, Nancy!" He yanked away his arm and rubbed the skin gingerly, glaring death rays at his sister. "What the hell was that for?"
To say that move was unexpected would be an understatement. Nancy Shepherd looked and sounded posh, much more upper-class than her brother, but Cooper may have underestimated her because he could swear her eyes danced with barely restrained mischief. Like the queen of the fairies some of his little patients insisted had made them stuff peas up their noses, or eat lipstick, or do any number of socially impolite activities.
"Indian burns, huh?" Hahn's eyes met Nancy's before she turned and smirked at Derek, who was glowering at both women. "I'll have to remember that. You never know when you'll have to deflate an ego or two."
"Wet willies work well too," Cooper offered, grateful for Nancy's assistance. "I saw this kid a few weeks back, he had a broken arm but he was a master of the wet willies. He got just about everyone at the practice at some point while he was there." He shut up, knowing he was rambling and that babbling on about wet willies wouldn't make him look smooth or sophisticated.
Going to a Valentine's Day wedding attended by all of Addison's friends and acquaintances, as well as an assortment of ex-in-laws had been a bad idea. He'd hoped to escape all the red and pink, the flowers and the candy, and feeling like a loser. Instead, he got to feel like an even bigger loser, someone who lurked in pantries so others wouldn't judge him.
"Cooper?" He looked around to find Addison standing in the doorway. "I brought you some cake."
She held out a plate to him which he eagerly took. It was cake! Because he could see her ex observing them, Cooper thanked her for the offering with a kiss on the cheek. She had really soft skin and smelled good, and he avoided looking at her afterwards, in case he'd made things weird now. He really just didn't like the ex-husband, or the comment he'd made about Cooper running away from Addison.
"I see you've met everyone," Addison continued and Cooper nodded, unable to speak due to his mouth being full of cake. He swallowed and told himself firmly to take smaller bites. Being Weird Pantry-Lurking Guy was bad enough without adding Cake-Inhaler on top of it. "Is everyone playing nice?" She looked at her ex when she said that last part, her mouth set in that 'don't fuck with me' expression of hers that was both scary and really hot.
"Uh, yeah," he managed, making what he was sure was a rather unconvincing smile. "We were just..." he trailed off. "Talking about kid stuff!"
Wow, that was smooth.
"Nancy was showing us some tricks on how to deal with Dr. McPissy over there," Hahn added, looking very amused at Derek's scowling face. "She gave a demonstration on Indian burns and I think Cooper here was just about to demonstrate wet willies for us."
Before he had time to react, Addison had wet her pinky and stuck it in his ear. "Like that?" she beamed when he hollered and accidentally threw his piece of cake off the plate.
Seeing it sail through the air in slow motion, he knew before it hit that the trajectory would bring cake and frosting, like hail and brimstone, onto the ex-husband's date. It was just a bad day to be Cooper.
Silence descended as they all watched a piece of frosting float down the tiny blonde's forehead and drip onto her open-toed shoes. Her feet would get very sticky from that sugary confection. She looked too stunned to speak and Derek looked like he was angry with Addison for the accident.
"I'm so sorry!" Cooper scooped up some cake with his fingers and looked around wild-eyed for what to do with it.
"It's okay, Cooper," the cake-attacked woman, whose name he really ought to remember, whispered and he got caught in her eyes.
There was a brief moment, like a breath and then he felt Addison's presence. She pressed some paper towels into his hand and proceeded to dab at the dress with a rag.
"What the hell was that for?" Derek demanded, glaring at his ex-wife. "Honestly, Addison, are you that vindictive?"
Cooper looked up from where he had crouched down to remove the date's shoe so he could get it clean, not liking the way Derek was shouting. "I'm the one who spilled the cake, so why aren't you yelling at me?" He stood up, shoe in hand and turned to confront Shepherd, waving the shoe in his face. "No wonder she divorced you, you asshat!"
He wasn't sure what he'd expected, but the homicidal maniac look in the other man's eyes was disturbing. Next thing Cooper knew, he was trying to clobber the brain surgeon with a lady's shoe to make the other man let go of his throat. There was much shouting and tugging in every direction, and pain. Lots of pain.
Just like he thought, his day was made of epic fail.