A/N: I come with a new fic. Beware that Peyton will be VERY bitchy. Think early season 1 and the Lindsey library scenes. And Lucas will have to undergo it.

Enjoy!

Behind The Wall of Pain

Summary: After a car crash, Peyton decides to let go of Lucas once and for all as his clarity creeps up on him. Though whatever they want, Lucas nor Peyton can deny the sexual attraction between them and when they give in to it this time around, it will be impossible to ignore the consequences.

1. Lady Evil

The sun laid a bright white blanket onto Tree Hill, where spring had just made its arrival. Everywhere you looked, you saw clichés: chirping bluebirds, lively green crests and children playing with their friends. Only one image didn't fit this utopia: Peyton Elizabeth Sawyer. She sat in her Comet, her state of mind dark as equally somber, loud music spread itself through the streets she drove through. The wind blew through her hair, causing it to hit her face. Whilst tucking her curls behind her ear, she looked at the seat next to her, where a bunch of CD's lay and wondered which one would fit her lately omni-present melancholy.

She frowned as she saw the blonde hair of Bonnie Tyler poking out from under her Metallica and Slow Runner CD's. What the hell, she thought, since everyone seems to be living in clichés today, I might as well. She pushed the disk in and as she heard the first piano tones, she began staring in front of her with glazed over eyes. She was falling apart too, she realized because she couldn't help clinging onto the past, where she and Lucas lived in happiness. It wasn't an unusual thing for her anymore, lately it was all she did: replaying wonderful times gone by and wishing for even better ones to come.

To tell the truth, she didn't really know where she was going. Not with her car and not in life. She had had some professional successes lately but had come at a dead end emotionally. Brooke had her new baby girl, Haley and Nathan had each other and their son and Lucas was still pining over Lindsey. She, she had nothing but unrealistic dreams and vain hope. A deep sigh left her lips as she felt a tear run over her cheek. She never had high self-esteem but she even knew she didn't deserve this. She deserved to be loved, no? She made mistakes, yes, but nowhere along the road had she betrayed her good character: she suffered in silence, she was integer, and she was a good friend.

Slowly Peyton bowed over to get herself a tissue. What happened then was another proof of the fact that she was last in line when God handed out luck. Out of the blue, a black Audi –beautiful car- sped her way. She felt the danger and looked up in terror. Before she had the chance to scream, the car slammed into hers.

The next thing she saw was light and images of her as a baby in her crib, as a little girl coloring Pocahontas, her mother laughing loudly as a seagull steals her ice cream; fast forward a couple of years, she's crying now by the bridge but Brooke's with her, attending music concerts, her first kiss Dylan, her first boyfriend Nathan, her first love Lucas, her second Jake, her dad's good-hearted lectures, music, the day she passed the SAT's, LA, Lucas' proposal, failure, hurt, Lindsey, pain, marriage, being left, being rejected, being denied. Being empty inside.

x

Brooke held her thumbnail in her mouth as she impatiently waited for more news about her best friend. She had been able to get a look in the surgery room, silent and sneaky as she could be. Of course she was immediately sent away but even though her glancing was very short-lived, the amount of blood her P. Sawyer had been covered with had been nothing but a severe shock. As the hours passed, Brooke was joined by Nathan and Haley.

"Lucas is coming too," Haley let them know.

Brooke swore a hint of shame sounded from that statement and she looked down at her feet. Though Lucas had been great to her and Angie lately, she wasn't sure if he should be here. Not because they had a complicated history and whatnot but because he didn't seem to care about her anyway. Deep down she knew that could never be: despite everything that happened she still believed Lucas and Peyton were meant to be, but the point is that he hadn't believed it the past months or who knows, maybe even years.

Thus when Lucas entered the waiting room, all looked up, wondering what he was going to do or say. He didn't say a thing, none of them did and he only dared to lock eyes with Haley, as if he knew he wouldn't be finding support with Brooke or Nathan. Haley bowed her head and Lucas followed her example, feeling uncomfortable as no one seemed to be prepared to give him solace.

"How is she?" he mumbled.

Silence. Brooke, Nathan and Haley shared doubting looks.

"For God's sake, I asked how she is!" he raised his voice.

"We don't know, alright?" Nathan responded aggressively. Now that Peyton was in hospital he felt guilty for not having supported her more through the whole Lindsey and Lucas ordeal though he really shouldn't: he had had his own problems. It's just that he kind of saw Peyton as a sister he had to protect. "But I think seeing your face when she wakes up isn't going to do her much help."

"What's that supposed to mean?" It wasn't because he was pining over Lindsey that he didn't care about Peyton.

Just as Nathan was about to clarify, Haley rubbed his arm and addressed Lucas instead. "Nothing, I'm sure. We're all just stressed out and worried about Peyton."

A glimmer of hope appeared in Brooke's eyes as she saw the doctor who had told her earlier to wait, step her direction. Contrary what might seem obvious, she approached himslowly, afraid of the news he might bring.

"She's going to be just fine," he then reassured her. "She had internal bleedings but we've been able to stop those and for the rest…She didn't even break a bone, she has been very lucky. She has a mild concussion though so we will keep her here for some time. But all in all, she should be out of here soon enough."

Brooke laid her hand on her chest and heaved a relieved sigh. "Can I, huh, we go see her?"

"Let her rest a couple of hours. Plus, you've all been waiting so long. Go home, eat something, take a shower and come back tonight."

x

The doctor had said she was going to be just fine, and for the first time in weeks she believed that would be so. Looking out of the window, she smiled. A sincere smile. When the car had hit her, it had been like in the movies: light and memories flashing in front of her eyes. Some memories were beautiful, others were not. The last ones she would've taken into death were pitiful, filled with Lucas, dark, mixed with Lindseyness, miserable and intensely sad. They were memories that had scared and scarred her deeply and she didn't wish to make anymore now that she had survived this car crash without serious injuries. It was like a sign from God, she was given another chance and she was going to grab it to avoid the things that made her grab tissues.

She was ready to live her life now, realizing what she had been missing out on and how difficult she had made things for herself wanting a man who seemed to care less about her. The only thing that had to happen for her to see that was a near-death experience but from now on, she was only going to think about herself, about what Peyton wants, about what Peyton needs. Being nice and humble had done nothing for her. From now on, she'd only be nice to the persons who deserved it, venom and curls style.

"P. Sawyer!" she heard and turned her head to the side, grinning widely.

"B. Davis…"

Brooke carefully embraced her and began to sob as she pulled back. "Damn you and your reckless driving. I thought I had lost you, don't ever do that to me again!"

"You don't get rid of me that easily," she reassured her friend.

Brooke smiled happily and then softly ran the tips of her fingers over Peyton's bruises and cuts. She might not have broken something but those nasty-looking albeit small injuries couldn't feel very pleasant either. "God, you look like shit," she then let out and they both laugh.

"Always the subtle one," Peyton said adjusting her position in the bed. "Ugh, everything hurts; I'm covered from top to toe in bruises."

"You got hit by one of those big Audis," Brooke informed her. "Beautiful car, ass of a chauffeur. But at least he got what he deserved, his car is completely ruined and he'll be paying you big time if I have anything to do with it."

"And my car?"

"Just the side, I think it can be fixed. Audi guy can pay for it."

She stared at the ceiling. The Comet. What to do with it? Did she want it to be fixed? It was just a car, yes, but she wasn't daft, she knew that had been the reason Lindsey pulled a Maggie Carpenter on Lucas. It was a sign of her and Lucas' love. However, that love had altered lately. Lucas didn't want her anymore and the car had become a burden.

"I want it to be destroyed," she let out. "I don't know how. I just want it."

Brooke was visibly taken aback by this. "But Peyton…That car means so much to you."

"It's just a car."

"It's your baby. You've had it since you were sixteen. You went to find Ellie with it. It holds memories."

"It's old. Time for a change."

"But destroying it?"

"Then take it to the junkyard! I don't care, as long as the thing is gone."

x

"Hey Sawyer."

Peyton smiled at Brooke who disappeared and then gave Nathan a nod with her head, indicating he should come over and hug her.

"I've got some stuff for you from your car. I begged the police if I could take your belongings out of your car, I knew there must've been a shitload of CD's in there." He shook the bag and the sound deriving from the shaking was, as suspected correctly, plastic covers hitting each other. "Some of them are broken though, I think."

"Thanks Nate, you're a legend," she said happily and opened the bag slowly. The painkillers dazed her a little and so her reactions and actions were in slight slow-motion.

One for one, she took the things out. Indeed a lot of CD's. Then she came across her wallet. Opening it, she saw the picture of her and Lucas at prom and took it out. She had never been able to throw it away.

"I'm sorry…" he sighed.

People feeling sorry for her? No more. She bit her lip, closed her eyes and tore it in two. Then in four and if she could've, she would've torn it in eight pieces too.

"Peyton," Nathan gasped.

"What?" she bit.

"Nothing…" He didn't dare to say she looked like a lunatic right now. She had been so fragile lately and he didn't want to hurt her.

"OK, what's more in the bag," she acted like nothing had happened and buried her hand between the CD's to find An Unkindness of Ravens, one of the last books she had and that she had hid from Brooke when that one had urged her to burn them all.

As if it's the most normal thing in the world, she opened it in the middle and started to wildly tear pages out of it, using all the strength she had that her painkillers weren't taking away. Destroying his book felt like a heavy burden falling off her shoulders and at the time she had reduced the book to fifty pages, she felt the most content she had been in ages. She peacefully settled her back into her pillow again and threw the book in the garbage can resting alongside her bed.

"Have you gone crazy? I thought the doc said you were fine! Seems like that concussion is more serious than we think."

"Nate…" she began reassuring. "Something happened to me."

"I can see that."

"A part of the old me is back."

"Which part, Sawyer?"

"The one who doesn't take anyone's shit," she responded seriously. "I realized life is too short and I'm sick of spending it sulking and depressed over a guy who doesn't seem to care whether I'm alive or dead anyway."

"P-"

"No. I want to live. I've been dead for too long."

"You're graceful and people appreciate that. You don't have to change over him."

"Bullshit!" she cried. "Bullshit… People don't appreciate me, Nate, because they don't understand me. You know, I've tried to change for so long, six years almost and now I see that people never changed their opinion of me."

"That's not true."

"It is. I'm still that depressed, broody, dark girl to them. The girl who doesn't have a family and wants a guy who is chasing someone else. Do you know how sick of that I am?"

"I understand but-"

"And things like grace and purity and whatnot, they are all fine but they don't change your vision on life. They didn't with me and this car crash did. My life flashed in front of my eyes and all I saw was misery and I realized…It's all my fault."

"Peyton…"

"No, it's OK. I'm just glad this happened to me now, before it's too late. I've never been so eager to change my life around. I want to change. I want to look at things from the bright side. I want to look at myself from the bright side and I can't do that if I'm surrounded by people who treat me badly. So I shall avoid those people from now on."

"I understand," he nodded. "Am I one of those people to avoid?"

"No," she smiled. "As long as you haven't eaten any frog legs when I'm around… Dracula would've drop dead if he had smell you then." About a week ago, Peyton had gone to eat at Haley and Nathan's place and had almost fainted every time Nathan had talked to her. He had made his very own frog legs and drowned them in garlic.

"Hmmm, frog legs… I'll make you some when you get out of here."

She laughs. "I bet you will."

He cracks another smile. "Glad you're OK, Sawyer. I wouldn't know what I would've done without you."

"Have a lot more uncomplicated life, I can imagine."

"I love my life with the complications you bring to them."

She tilts her head to the side. "Thanks for being such a great friend, Nate."

"You're welcome."

"Now…" she changes the subject and grabs a Beatles CD. "I want to hear Let It Be."

"Is this part of the 'changing my life' thing?"

"Yes, I want hope, I want joy."

In no time, Peyton was humming along.

"And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow; let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be."

Nathan had to kink his eyebrow; it had been so long since he had seen Peyton somewhat carefree but now, as she had been hit by a car, she ironically seemed to be freed of whatever chains life had encircled her with. "Are you even religious?" he asked amused.

"Ugh, that's so totally irrelevant," she waved his comment away.

He dug this new side of Peyton. She reminded him of when they first got together and he forced her into a rollercoaster. She now was like she had been half-way that ride, content, with a smile on her face. He hoped for her she'd find happiness now, because she deserved it after all that had happened. He had heard stories about people turning their lives around drastically after a near death experience and he saw it with her too. Still he couldn't resist but ask:

"And Lucas?"

Before she could answer with an evil eye that he just had to stab her with some negativity, Haley showed up asking if it was alright if she could visit Peyton now. Peyton nodded; glad that she didn't have to reply to Nathan's question. That one pointed shortly at her. "This conversation isn't over."

The petite brunette sat herself down on the chair Nathan had been sitting on minutes ago. Seeing the pieces of torn picture, she kinked her eyebrow. Then she noticed a bunch of pages of An Unkindness of Ravens, not in the book. It was like some gremlin with a paper obsession had snuck in here to destroy it all. So Peyton was angry with Lucas, big surprise there. She opened her mouth to say something but was cut off.

"Before you say anything Haley, I need to get something off my chest."

"OK."

"I …don't like the way you've treated me lately."

"Peyton…" she sighed out bowing her head. She felt ashamed but also a bit shocked of her directness.

"I love you, you know that. You're my music buddy and I feel we just connect. I understand that you're Lindsey's friend too and I don't have any problem with that but I didn't appreciate your judgment when it came to me and Lucas. I wasn't the only one at fault. Everyone always told me how I and Lucas are so complicated so…I don't get where that act came from like you knew everything about us and what we had."

"I-I'm sorry," she mumbled. "I just wanted to keep things the way they are. I mean, it took me so long to find some stability in my life and Lucas was a part of that stability, together with Lindsey. You came back and everything changed again and I couldn't really handle it after all that happened with Nathan. But I understand you, and I apologize."

"I accept your apology."

Haley burst out in tears and hugged Peyton. "I'm just so glad you're alright. I promise to never judge again."

"It's in your nature."

"But still I'll try to just listen and I don't know…find solutions instead of disapproving."

They pulled back and Haley calmed down a bit, rubbing her moist cheeks with the palm of her hand. "So what's up with the book tearing? Pissed at Lucas?"

She turned her head, gazing at the wall opposite her bed. "Yes," she responded calmly. "Or no…I... I'm still figuring it out."

"I can imagine this accident made you realize yet again how much he means to you."

Alertly she yanked her head back to Haley. "Actually …No."

"What do you mean?"

"I…don't want to be with him anymore. At all."

Haley kinks her eyebrow non-understanding. "I don't get it."

"Like I told Nathan, I've changed. I want to love me now. Lucas makes me want to slap me. I don't even want to be around him anymore."

"Huh?"

"I've loved him, Hales but…at the same time I've accepted the fact he didn't feel the same and that he hasn't for a long time. And you know, I didn't mind or at least I don't mind now but…there's one thing. Kissing me and than proposing to Lindsey? I…"

"That was-"

"Low? Disgusting?"

"Yeah…"

"I never held it against him because I loved him. But I should've. Now knowing that I didn't have enough self-love to merely ask him where he was coming from makes me feel bad. And now recently…All that stuff he spews in front of me about loving Lindsey…Total lack of respect for me on his part." She saw Haley was surprised at her openness. "I know this might sound like I'm egocentric-"

"No Peyton, you're right. He hasn't really been himself lately…Ever since you came back."

"Yes," she nodded. "But I don't care anymore now. I mean, I can't care anymore. I feel like I'm ready to start over new, without him. And I've got to confess…" She fell silent.

"What, Peyton?"

"I feel so bad saying this but as that car hit me my life was flashed in front of my eyes. And I saw Lucas' face, and I saw it again when I woke up. Haley, it made me feel...unwell. Every time I think of him now I'm remind of all the shit he did and how much it hurt me and it's like a knife in my heart." She teared up but suppressed her tears with a deep breath. "Yeah...Sounds heavy. Feels that way, too."

"Wow."

"So I'm going to move out Tric, you know, settle my office somewhere else. Before Lucas gave it to me and before I earned all the money with Mia, I had my eye on this cool office space near the Cat Street." The tone of her voice gets more upbeat. "It's expensive but I think I can afford it now."

"You just…don't want to spend ANY time with Lucas anymore?"

"That's right. Not even see him. He has been inside my head for too long and my brains feel like mousse."

"That's because you had a concussion…"

"Emotional mousse, Haley. It's time to think of me. And I did, the whole afternoon. I'm planning to establish a second Red Bedroom office in LA so I'll probably split my time between LA and Tree Hill."

"You're being so drastic."

"Yes! I'm being drastic in changing my life for the better. He's a rotten apple in it."

Haley's face deforms in shock as her friend seems to have lost all her subtlety. "Peyton!"

"That's me from now on, Haley," she lets her know. "I'm sick of hiding my thoughts feelings to satisfy others. It never got me anywhere anyway. Six years of trying to better myself only to be left empty-handed. Well, I'm done with it."

"But your thoughtfulness is one of the reasons why people admire you."

She shrugged. "Tough shit."

x

Haley went back to the waiting room not knowing what to think of what she had just heard. Peyton seemed to have made a 180 degree turn. She was glad about her moving on from Lucas once and for all but she didn't appear to be joking about not wanting to see him anymore, at all, either. She was cutting him out of her life. She didn't want him anymore. It was such a strange thought: Peyton didn't want Lucas anymore. She truly felt taken aback by it.

"I'm going to see her now…" Lucas announced as he saw Haley appear. He had been waiting the longest and the more he just sat there twiddling his thumbs, the guiltier he felt for the way he had treated her. Before his best friend was able to stop him, he was halfway through the hall. He arrived at her door in no time and entered her room.

She gave him a quick glance and then turned her head, wondering why Haley hadn't said she didn't want to have anything to do with him. "I'm tired Lucas, could you please let me rest?"

He cracked an insecure smile. "Peyton…"

"Lucas, I asked you nicely…"

"But the others visited you!"

"Ugh…Did you NOT understand me? Get. Out."

He stepped closer to her bed. "I know we've been on the outs lately, with Lindsey and all but I do care about you and I think we should try to build up a friendship again," he said as Peyton felt steam leaving her eyes and nose as a matter of speak. 'Care about you?' 'Friendship'? As if.

"Get the fuck out I said!! I know you don't attach too much importance to what I say but at least respect my wishes whilst I'm in the hospital! I do not want to see you. I don't want to be your friend. I just want you to leave my life so that I can build it up again. You got what you wanted. I don't want you anymore and I don't love you anymore. Yay for you!" Alright, that last thing was a lie, she'd still love him for a long time but she felt like she had to say it. It would surely make the moving on process easier.

"What are you saying…?"

"I thought it was obvious?"

"You're being a drama-queen!"

She yanked her head his way. "If I wasn't in this bed right now, I'd slap you so hard your head would stick to your back, you inconsiderate jerk! What I'm fucking saying is that you're a poison. You've poisoned my life. I can't and don't want to see you anymore because I'd like to save what's left from my mental health. But you don't want to let me be. You seem to enjoy seeing me cry and be unhappy about you. I bet it gives you some sick thrill."

"Look," he tried to preserve his calm. "I'm sorry for what happened between us but if anyone is a life-poisoner, it's you! I and Lindsey were so happy together and then you came and you trampled on it."

"Don't you know any shame!?" she cried appalled.

"It's not because you're in the hospital that gives you the right to be a bitch for no reason!!" His head turned a rather unhealthy red. "I never did anything wrong!! It's not my fault I love Lindsey and wanted to marry her. It could've been you if you hadn't been so scared of commitment. I refuse to apologize for choosing a perfectly normal, happy, caring girl over someone who gets bored when in a relationship after a year or so."

She felt like screaming but held it together. "You're DELUSIONAL and PATHETIC. You yourself screwed up your life. You LET me trample on your perfect wonderland; it's not my fault you can't seem to keep your girlfriends."

"Shut your mouth!"

"You shut yours! It's so sad how you can't handle the truth that I almost feel sorry for you. Except I don't because you deserve every inch of the pain you're feeling now. Your pain is your own doing, Lucas. You screw up relationships and you string along people. You're a bad, bad person and so you'll end up alone."

"Stop it!" he roared.

But she was on a roll, completely riled up from him saying she ruined his life with perfect, sugar-sweet Lindsey. "So that's why everyone leaves you! That's why nobody wants you! You're a bad seed! Like Dan!"

"You take that back!" he screamed pointing his finger violently at her.

She chuckled coldly. "Just get out, you sad little man."

Still fuming with anger, he stepped closer to her bed and put his hands on either sides of the mattress, lowering his body so that it hung over hers. She got scared having him hovering over her, his face now pale with intense rage. His face was very close to her, in a threatening manner. She felt his breath on her lips and turned her head away. This was too close and she felt caged. "Get out…" she ordered again and hoped he wouldn't notice her fear.

"Relax, I'm not going to choke you," he said in an almost mocking way. "I just wanted to say I'm… disappointed."

"Is it like the disappointment I felt when we first slept together?" she asked venomously. She didn't mean it and he probably knew but still it felt damn good to say it.

Lucas almost groaned in frustration and felt like shaking her back and forward when he saw an evil flicker in her eyes. It reminded him of the time in class when they were sixteen and she used 'choke' to describe him. He couldn't believe they were at this point again. Her hating him. Him trying to get a mere hint of kindness out of her.

"God…" She let out a mirthless laugh. "How can someone like you still have such a big ego? With all the shit you do to people one would at least expect a bit of humility from you."

He looked down at her and saw a look in her eyes he hadn't seen for a long time. In six years to be exact. It was a look of complete emotional isolation. "Why are you being such a bitch?"

"-"

"Don't get me wrong," he continued like she wasn't about to speak. "I've known you since you were sixteen and I know you can be one, a bitch." He frowned with masked sadness. "I know you're capable of saying those kinds of nasty things. I just didn't think you would ever say them to me."

He looked at her in silence; expecting regret to make itself present in her hazel eyes but her face remained emotionless. "You thought wrong. And I meant what I said. All of it. It has been an intense ride, Lucas, but this where it stops. So…Goodbye, farewell, goodbye, farewell…Just pick one and go."

"It doesn't have to be like this."

"You're little visit just proved it does. You make me feel angry and inferior. So…Farewell."

x

Haley bit her lip as Lucas came back from her room. Silently he sat himself down on one of the chairs, almost physically having to recover from their little conversation.

"How did it go?" Brooke asked.

"It was like talking to her sixteen year old self, only ten times worse. Was it the same with you guys?"

"No," Haley shook her head. "She was really pleasant company with me, Luke."

He shifted his gaze to Nathan who nodded, indicating she had been kind to him too, and Brooke who gave him the same reaction.

"Goodness gracious, Nate, she was meaner to me than you were in high school."

"She told me she was going to cut you out of her life," Haley admitted silently.

"Honestly, Lucas, I can't blame her," Nathan said seeing his brother's shocked face.

Lucas bowed his head. "I once told her I was never going to cut her out of my life. We were just friends then but I really, really meant it. This is all her fault anyway. She said 'no' to my proposal. I moved on, which is no reason for her to be pissed."

"You know as well as I do that girl has EVERY right to be pissed so don't say that kind of nonsense," Brooke butted in. "And she said 'someday', not 'no'. Then you cut her out off your life…"

He was ready to object but then nodded almost invisibly. It had seemed the best thing to do at the time, cutting her out of his life, since everything had reminded him of her. He simply had had to bury his feelings and mere liking for her in order not to go completely insane.

"Well, now she did too," Nathan pointed out. "Can't hold that against her. Why the double standard? Because you're the one hurting now?"

"She was vicious," he still said stubbornly. "There was no reason to be vicious."

"Did you listen to her?"

"So if she says 'get out' I should just get out?"

"Yes! You should've."

"No! This is ridiculous. I refuse to let it end this way."

"Why?"

"Because it's absurd! I'll talk to her again when she's out of here and it'll be a calm conversation. We'll figure this out."

Brooke, Nathan and Haley all thought the same, that there was no chance in hell with the way Peyton was now, that she'd be interested in clearing things out. "Respect her wishes, Luke," Nathan said in a slightly annoyed tone. "You owe her that much."

"No, no, no!"

"Why the fuck not?"

"Because she's Peyton."

He stood up pissed at his friend's disability to understand where he was coming from. Without saying another word he left the hospital.

"Because she's Peyton?" the guy sitting behind them asked. "That doesn't make any sense."

Haley looked behind her surprised and slightly annoyed the man had been listening to their conversation. "Trust me," she then sighed. "It makes all the sense in the world."

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