Lucky Bastard

Disclaimer: Not mine.

Summary: A look at our favorite couple...from a certain point of view.

A/N: Written in basic because I don't speak Hutt. "Look Jabba, even I get boarded sometimes." That's what she said.

"I want you on my team; So does everybody else"

Nelly Furtado and Timbaland, "Promiscuous"

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Sometimes, I just sit and stare at you, my work of art. It's particularly pleasing to see you through a spice-induced haze in the mid afternoon because the light hits you just right and the lines of agony on your face seem to dance. Boba Fett told me that you're hibernating, but I hope you feel every second of it. I hope you can't breathe, I hope you want to move and are mentally anguished every time you try. Double-crossing son of a bantha.

My boy, you used to be so good at what you did for me. A little sabacc-happy, maybe, and sometimes you would be a few credits short of what you owed, but you always managed to come up with it. I trusted you with my most precious shipments because you were the best damn pilot I had and you always had a knack for getting out of tight spots. You're just a lucky, lucky bastard.

Well, you were. Not anymore. Hot streaks run out, Solo. No one crosses me. No one goes three years without a word after dumping my shipment and losing me thousands of credits. I heard the rumors. That you'd gone and gotten these delusions of grandeur, that you were aiding that damn Rebellion in some hopeless, idealistic cause. That you were cavorting with some princess. Well, I hope you enjoyed your running around, my boy, because you're finished. You're never getting out of there.

I hope carbon freeze hurts like hell.

--

My boy, I should have known. There's been a price on your Wookie's head for years and no one has been able to get to him. That furry beast won't come easy and yet somehow this tiny little bounty hunter I've never seen or heard of before got the giant thing to come quietly. Your best friend was almost submissive. Wookies aren't known for their willingness to submit. That should have been a clue. But I have to admit, my boy, that my judgement was a little clouded by that thermal detonator. What a bold negotiation technique. I was impressed by this tiny little bounty hunter.

You know, Han, I had clues even before Chewbacca came in. The gift of those droids, the message from that Skywalker-whoever. The new guard I hired a few months back that never, ever says anything. Solo, you have a great ability to make enemies, but you also have a great ability to make friends when you want. I wonder if maybe you'd decided you were tired of being a loner. Maybe you were with them because you thought they had things you needed. Maybe you, you damn smuggler, have developed a conscience. Whatever the case, the friends you've made are loyal to the end. And foolish to the end. Like I said, no one crosses me.

It was the loud crashing noise of you, my frozen work of art, being released from the wall and falling to the ground that woke me up. I saw some of my men begin to move towards the source, but I motioned for them to shut up and just watch. Han, you and your friends won't get far. That tiny bounty hunter has released you, my prized possession, from the carbon shell and is whispering to you in that raspy language that I don't understand. Solo, you seem so confused when you ask the hunter who he is.

Oh, this is too good.

The bounty hunter takes off his mask, revealing that he is not a he at all but perhaps one of the most beautiful human women I've ever seen. "Someone who loves you," she says, and you say her name. "Leia." Leia. Pretty name. Familiar. Is that your princess? But certainly a princess wouldn't be seen in a place like this... And then you kiss. How sweet. Look at you, Solo, you lucky bastard. A pretty girl has risked all this to come to your rescue.

I hope you enjoyed it. That's the last time you'll ever get to touch her.

After the guards carry you off, I get to have a better look at your girl. She is very pretty, my boy, but she's not like any of the other girls I've seen you with in the past. They were all pinup-type girls, the ones you see in the dirty holoreels wearing little to nothing. All beauty but no brains. You never stayed with them long. And you never kissed any of them in front of me, either. I don't think you ever cared about any of them. But this girl's different. This Leia. Oh, you care about this Leia. Ha. This is tasty. Your girl Leia is something else, Han. She's short and she's not blonde and she's one of the feistiest little things I've ever seen. She gives me a look that would probably kill a lesser man on the spot. It's sexy. And when they bring her out in her newest getup I see that she's got a body like nobody else. Look at those legs! I know you'd love to see this.

Damn, Han, my boy, you lucked out with this one.

--

Han, have I told you that you're one lucky bastard? Because you are. Even though it angers the hell out of me, I have to admit I'm impressed at how loyal your friends are to you. And how determined they are to get you out of here. Your Jedi pal even killed my favorite pet, that son of a bantha. He's an idiot for doing it, but you have to admit that the kid's got guts. Will you tell him to shut up, Han? He keeps telling me that I need to bargain with him. You tell him, my boy, that I don't bargain with anyone. You hear me? Especially after they've gone and tried to pull one over on me like you have. You were a great pirate, but now you're finished. And so are your buddies.

But I'm keeping your little girlfriend. She's cute.

Speaking of your little girlfriend, I wonder how you put up with her. You've always liked trouble, but never with your women. I always thought of you as the kind of guy who, if he ever settled down, or lived to settle down, would make his wife stay at home and do the cooking. This Leia of yours, my boy, is not that kind of girl. I can tell that much just by looking at her. She's got little scars all over her body. Where d'ya suppose those came from, huh buddy? Does she like it a little rough in the bedroom? And I can tell that she's strong, too. Sure, she looks like you could snap her in half, but the smart girls won't let you get close enough to try. She's a smart broad.

And I can tell that she loves you, my boy, loves you more than I think she wants to admit. You couldn't see her, too bad for you, because I think you'd like it, but she watched you the whole time. She didn't look at that Jedi or your Wookie friend. She watched you. And as we made our way to the Sarlacc, she went to the windows and watched you then, too. It was like she was trying to be as close to you as possible. It was touching.

You're a lucky bastard, my boy. Your pretty little thing will go to the end of the earth to bring you back to her. She's a princess, for crying out loud, and you've managed to get her running around dressed up like bounty hunter scum on a dirty desert planet. How'd you do it, my boy? How'd you get this power over her? And she's so young, too. She's got to be, what, no less than eight years younger than you are, my boy. You sly nerfherder. Cradle robbing a princess. Making her fall in love with you like she is. Are you in love with her, too, or is the conquest just thrilling? If you're not, Han, you should be after what she's done for you.

Not that you'll be around to tell her.

I don't like strong women, my boy, and even though your little girl is nice on the eyes, she's big trouble. And she's quick. Did she know this was going to happen? As soon as your Jedi friend got his lightsaber from gods know where and folks started running around like banthas with their heads cut off, your girl was taking something heavy to the light controls of my sailbarge. The nerve of her, Han. She managed to shut all the windows so I could barely see her or anything else that was going on in the ship. I yelled for help, but everyone was too preoccupied with you and your friends on the dinghy to look. You girl is strong, my boy, and she's resourceful. She's wrapped the chain to which she is tethered around my neck and started to pull with every ounce in her tiny self. What an ironic twist, strangling with the very chain that held her to me. She's so strong, my boy. It's got to take a lot of strength to pull that thing around my thick neck. She's a good one, Han. You'd better hang on to her.

Dammit, Solo, you are one lucky bastard.

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