Lavi buys a Life Insurance

"I'm not asking why you even bother doing so. And I'm not saying it's stupid." Lenalee said, quirking her delicate brow in query of the man before her. "I'm saying it's...

"Bloody brilliant yeah?" finished Lavi, smirking in self-appraisal.

"Brilliant my arse! I think it's bloody ridiculous!" said Lenalee, her voice hitting the high note at the last syllabus. You might have thought she was auditioning for a choral group.

But Lavi, the man, paid her no heed. Not that anyone would, of course, especially when it's the –

"Best damn plan in the entire universe!" exclaimed…well, you know who. The self-acclaimed smart prick. "Sometimes, even my own intelligence astounds me. Hell ho!"

"I still don't see how this," Lenalee pinched a few sheets of paper from the pile, wobbling it in front of his face. "is of any relevance OR importance. I'm not undermining the magnitude of buying one, I'm questioning your intention behind this whole...whole"...thing!"

We all know the long hidden tears of anguish, terror and violence at the Black Order, especially when it involved an 'always seem to be self-hyperventilating' rabbit and a Japanese samurai who seethes and glares at anyone and anything. It didn't help either that the former enjoyed teasing and playing pranks on the poor fellow who could not wish for any other day than peace and quiet with his beloved sword, Soba and Tempura. Sorry ladies. (OR gentlemen, cough cough)

Nonetheless, there came a point in time where poor Kanda has had enough.

Just last week, Lavi poured a generous amount of pink hair dye into Kanda's 'Moisture Balance for long and lustrous hair' shampoo. It's Lavi, so you don't need any justification.

And just last week, the Black Order has had an interesting display of madness.

"YOU IDIOT SWINE!! LAVI!! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!" roared one enraged Kanda Yuu, storming out of his bathroom, dripping wet from head to toe. Navy blue towel draped around his lower torso. Shampoo bottle in one hand and brandishing his shiny sword in the other. It was horrifying. And the once radiant, shimmering and commercial-like hair turned ugly shade of pink didn't help ease the terror.

Poor Allen almost fainted from sight.

So help me God, I'm psychologically scarred for life!

Kanda spun his head left to right, eyes glinting murderously. He took no notice of the startled, worried and half confused boy.

"That idiot, I'm gonna kill him!" Kanda muttered under his breath before slamming the door shut.

"It's for protection, ya know!" said Lavi, snatching back his '24-Hour Worldwide Protection Scheme'. "Ya never know what will happen next. I might be dead tomorrow, or worse, any second! I need some backup, in financial means of course, to pay up my future hospitalization fees."

"Future hospitalization fees?"

"Yup." said Lavi absentmindedly as he filled out the last requirements.

"You're crazy."

"I've just realized the insurmountable modes of danger and life-threatening situations I've placed myself into." said Lavi reflectively, and his tone, the face he lifted to Lenalee, expressed a kind of forlorn gravity. There was a silence.

"Oh Lavi."

Lavi remained stoned in his seat.

Lenalee frowned. "You should have thought of that ages ago! Isn't it too late now?"

Remaining impassive, he shook his head.

"NO. You should have thought of that BEFORE you happily poured pink hair dye into Kanda's shampoo bottle. That's the last thing anyone would do!" quipped in Allen, looking up from his trays of food.

"I agree!" shouted someone.

"Shut up, Allen, and go back to your food."

"Okay."

Lenalee started giggling.

"What's so funny?!" asked Lavi, not looking happy at Lenalee's reaction. He twitched his nose.

"Allen's right!" she said. "I've told you, time and again, to cease your silly tactics and look where you've got yourself into? Imagine a prankster calling for protection against the victim. It's hilarious!"

"HEY!! I'M NOT BUYING INSURANCE BECAUSE OF KANDA!! MY LIFE MAY BE CONSTANTLY THREATENED BY HIM BUT I'M IN, NO WAY, BUYING A PROTECTION SCHEME BECAUSE OF THAT!" shouted Lavi in his glorious Caps Lock fashion before realizing he had just made an accidental confession. 'Oh Crap.'

A look of astonished incredulity appeared on the faces of his listeners.

"It has high benefits ya know!" said Lavi, flinging the insurance scheme in mid-air. "At low-cost too!"

"How much for one?"

"Does it cover bee wasps?"

"Pimples. What about pimples? And let's not forget the zits."

There were loud murmurs and nods of agreement.

"Can I buy one for my beloved Komurin?" Komui asked, looking ridiculously dejected. "Kanda-kun spares no thought for the fragile being of my half delicate soul."

"Spare no thought for what?" A sharp, derisive voice broke startling into the dialogue.

They looked around. Before the food counter stood the Japanese samurai – raven-hair back to 'normal', eyes very piercing and dark.

Everyone started scrambling either a) out of the cafeteria (Komui stole one of Lavi's paper and wheezed away) b) 10 feet away from the dark aura c) towards Lavi's bench to grab an insurance policy.

They just realized that, like Lavi, they too were in dangerous times.

"Okay, I want one too!" said Allen suddenly.

"Don't be silly, Allen." said Lenalee in a matter-of-factly tone. "Even if Kanda rapes you, and I sure hope he will, walking with a limp would be the worst form. And I don't think the accident protection scheme includes being beep (something I don't wish to explain because this fanfiction is only rated T) beep and receiving very hot, wet..."

While Lenalee continued describing her VERY WILD erotic fantasies aka yaoi in explicit details, poor Allen Walker turned green.