Disclaimer:I don't own anything.

Warnings:Spoilersfor PoA, OotP, and maybe DH depending on how you view it.

Remus paused, tilting his head to the side as he looked around the room. It was plain, white and infinite.

In it there was no pain and his thoughts slipped away like water in his grasp even as the resounding 'so this is what it's like.' echoed in his head.

He blinked, rolling his shoulders in an unneeded stretch. He could remember still, before.

Staring blankly at the worn grey walls as people passed him by, functioning only by necessity. But it was over, at least for him.

After he had lost Sirius to death he had desperately wanted him back, striven to achieve the realization that he was gone. So he had sought something new, something different to try out, to take his mind off everything and anything. Dumbeldore's missions. Tonks. But she couldn't fill anything other than friendship, and the mundane work he did for the Order only succeeded in reminding him of what Sirius had missed. He had spiraled.

Continuing on because he cherished life, because Sirius would have wanted him to. Still he fell, not truly feeling what went on around him, acting as a father for Harry the only moments he felt alive. The marauder again.

And as much as life had meant to him, as much as it was worth, relief still settled in as he once more gazed at the walls extending forever. He wasn't sure where he was, but he knew finally death had come.

No more blood and sacrifice, no more betrayal and secrecy's, no more pain.

But even as he stood there, wandering thoughts filling his mind, previous memories washed over him.

.

Remus felt Sirius' stare across the common room and he shifted uncomfortably in front of the fire. It was fifth year and ever since summer had come and gone Sirius had been watching him.

So far he had gone on normally, but it was getting harder lately; he'd never liked when people stared.

Sighing he lifted his head from his homework, catching his friends eyes as they widened slightly at the contact. Something heated flashed briefly across his face before Sirius' expression closed up and then he was grinning as he lept across the room and pulled Remus into a combination of swing and tango .

And previous troubles were lost in a haze of spice and warmth and laughter.

.

James leaned over an eating Peter and punched Sirius as Remus watched in amusement. His previously green hair fell into his plate, catching on his glasses.

Remus moved to sit by Peter, slowly eating as the two marauders wrestled across the floor, Sirius trying to run away even as he doubled over from laughter on the ground, James' mock punches and chocking not stopping him.

James looked up and even in patchy baldness managed to look charming as he winked at Lily. Behind them McGonagall was storming over, a twinkle in her eye akin to Dumbledore's even as her stern face loomed above the boys, promising many a detention in the future.

Remus had always told Sirius that he shouldn't experiment with muggle hair dye.

.

Watching from a sterile hospital bed Remus heard the yelling of James and Sirius' contrite silence.

As much as he loved Sirius, the betrayal was still sharp in his mind, the pain of the transformation and the knowledge that Severus knew his secret adding to it.

And he still couldn't comprehend the reason. Sirius knew, he knewRemus wouldn't cheat on him, would never hurt him. He tutored many students, he hadn't known that simply not mentioning that he was helping Snape would make so much of a difference.

Even then the incredulous thoughts filled him. What had Sirius been trying to prove to Snape? Had he been trying to warn him away from Remus, show him that he was a monster?

He already knew that well enough, but the thought that Sirius would be so ready to tell the world something about him that he desperately sought to keep secret showed him that perhaps Sirius wasn't a good person tell.

And that single act had made him doubt for the first time in his life the loyalty of the person closest to him.

.

Remus smiled at their shared flat, only an hour away by broom from James and Lily. It was perfect.

He didn't startle as a warm weight pressed against his back and damp breath curled along his neck followed by an agile tongue and a firm touch.

Remus felt the smile before he heard the affectionate voice.

"Hey Moony, what d'you say we christen the place, huh?"

Laughter soon flowed out of both them even as they stumbled across the barely furnished room, heading for the small bedroom they would share.

Though the carpet was somewhat rough on his back and there was no bed as Sirius' aborted attempts to smuggle one from the Hogwarts dormitory hadn't worked, it was the best sex they'd had yet.

Because of his name whispered and love shown and because they were doing it in their flat. Theirs.

.

Remus chuckled at Harry's chubby hands waving through the air and Sirius picking him up and running around the room with him, gently cradling against him chest the whole while.

Padfoot looked up, grin splitting his face and eyes shining with joy as Harry tugged on his hair and spit up on his shirt.

Lily called up from the kitchen, voice laced with worry.

"Sirius I can hear stomping up there, don't you dare play any tricks with Harry! No pranks do you hear me? I will not have my son grow up to be a cretin!"

"Lily, dear, sweetest, light of my life, I'm a cretin." James' voice, loud enough to be heard through the floor and exasperated.

"I know dear, that's why I love you."

Sirius shook his head as James called up "The marauders live Padfoot! Viva la, what is it? Pranks! Yeah, keep the line going, don't listen to the man, ow! Women! Evil overlord she may be, I love her. What she doesn't know won't hurt her!"

The next series of noises sounded like a sack of flour hitting James and the break of eggs just before a high pitched squeal.

Moony laughed and Harry picked it up, not understanding what was going on yet feeling the happiness in the room. Padfoot smiled as well, walked forward so Harry was cocooned between them.

"I will never get them as long as I live." Their breaths mingled as sounds of the make-up carried upstairs and their quiet chuckles masked the noise.

"Neither will, I. But hey, at least we got the good of both of them, your godson will be a fine gentlemen, right Harry?" Gazing down into a soft and open face occupied by shining green eyes Harry laughed, the trilling joy swelling both men's heart.

Remus felt gentle fingers on his chin and he looked up into warm eyes and there was a seriousness in Padfoot's voice when he spoke.

"Our godson."

.

Remus was in shock, he knew that, staring at his hands in a cold questioning room as he discovered in one night he'd lost all of his best friends and the most important one of all was still alive but even more gone than the others.

Unpleasant memories rose unbidden in his mind of Sirius telling Snape, almost making him a murderer.

His quick temper and almost cruel pranks.

And then thoughts of laughter that constantly filled their lives and the little flat back home filled with pictures and happiness even as the war loomed over them.

Could he had seen it before? Prevented it?

Then in a room he'd never been in filled with no one at all the floodgates open. Sobs tore through him as thoughts flashed by, never sticking and emotions so sharp they physically hurt clanged and met in his head.

Never before had he cried like this and try as him might he couldn't stop. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, Siri, James, Lily, Peter, oh god Harry! A constant mantra in his head.

Before too long threw up, his throat burning and still the cries came.

He didn't think they'd ever stop.

.

Twelve long years. Of wandering and not truly living. Twelve years of reasoning and only four of truth.

The sharp clarity that had hit him when Dumbledore revealed that Sirius was innocent had nearly killed him. When he'd heard he had went away, he didn't even know where.

And the thoughts of his life flew by him and he knew, suddenly, that hate he had felt at Sirius was all wrong. That Sirius had suffered, still suffered in a small cell filled with pain and no one to visit him, with the belief that not even Remus had stuck by him, had believed in him.

And so from that moment, he hated himself.

.

Too soon, too little time they had had. Barely two years of joy, of forgiveness, of love and now it was no more.

Remus held the struggling Harry with numbness and though tears soaked through his robe and sobs shook the small figure he was holding, tears would come no more.

He had nothing to cry other because without his world what was he?

So holding their godson, their son, Remus watched to fluttering drapes of the veil and contemplated what it was like to be the last of the marauders.

What he even had to live for anymore.

.

Pain filled him at the same moment a long gash appeared on his side and sweat stung his eyes.

He heard from a distance Harry shouting and tried to block out the worry as he fought, and fight he did. But all too soon the blood loss made him dizzy and a group swarmed around him of ten or more, more excruciating pain and a flash of green.

And he heard no more.

.

Remus licked his lips and was startled to find them damp with tears. It wasn't for the pain now, it was for who he was then. He experienced the memories from the outside but still felt all he had then.

So that was what it had been like.

He hadn't realized before, had never had the strength to really string together all the memories, the good and the bad.

He had wanted to keep them separate, the tarnished and the, well, shiny was the only word he could think of at the moment.

Remus felt a shiver of movement beside him and looked to find Sirius grinning at him, young and handsome.

An light weight, not fully there yet settled on his shoulders.

"Shiny Moony? Really, I'd thought we'd weaned you off your love of shiny things in third year. Remember the spoon?"

Remus smiled, not bothered that his thoughts had been heard, and nodded his head. It hadn't been funny then though. Well, not that funny.

He hadn't even realized they had started moving till he looked from Sirius eyes and saw their feet moving together, not quite in sync and bumping into each other every so often.

The further they went the warmer and heavier the weight on his shoulders became, the more he became aware.

When they reached a door, simple and plain, Remus felt Sirius turn to him and looked up at the slightly taller man. Sirius spoke, smiling softly as they leaned against each other.

"This is it Moony, the end. You ready?"

Remus remembered and thoughts were once more solid in his mind and a great grin spread across his face.

"Aren't I always?"

Soft laughter huffed breath across his lips and Sirius kissed him chastely, a brush of skin and a hint of scent before the door opened and he stepped through.

And he was home.