Well, it looks like we've once again reached the end of our journey for Emily and Lorelai. But don't worry - they'll be back for more!

Finally Learning the Past

Lorelai pulled her unbuttoned corduroy jacket tighter as she walked past the town square. Her knit gloves kept the bite in the air from reaching her fingertips, but her nose was stinging. She looked up at the cloudless sky in irritation. If it were only cloudy it would be snowing and it was long past time for snow. She missed snow. The fluffy white flakes she'd tried to catch on her tongue as long as she could remember, the dusting of powder that made ordinary everyday trees look somehow magical, the frozen crunch under her feet, she missed it all.

It felt like the lack of snow was somehow feeding her mood, a mood that had been on edge since that damn dream. No matter what she did, how she kept herself busy, images from it would pop into her head when she was least expecting it, like now. Here she was walking through her favorite part of town freshly decorated for the holidays, a steaming cup of Luke's hot coffee in her hand. This was her favorite time of year and even with the lack of snow, she should be excited about Christmas. She was always excited about Christmas. Hell she was less than three weeks away from marrying the man she'd been in love with for basically her entire adult life. She should be walking on air instead of struggling with this continual feeling of … of what? She couldn't really put a name to it, it wasn't fear or loss. It was something more removed, more abstract, a feeling like there was something bad about to happen. A foreboding? No, that sounded way too ominous, too doom and gloom. This wasn't doom and gloom. It was like things were going too well on one level, while all the stuff, all the currents underneath the calm glassy surface were churning and about to burst free.

That was it, all that stuff long buried, the stuff between her and her mother. Even though they had talked more than ever before about the past and about putting it behind them, they hadn't actually done it. They'd gone back to their old habit of very skillfully ignoring it. Sure she'd teased her mother for being late and for what she and her father were likely doing to make her late, but underneath it all she'd actually started to worry. Emily Gilmore was never late to anything anywhere, much less an appointment, even if it were just with her daughter. She'd been really worried that something bad had happened. That's what had set off this last round of flashes from the dream, before that she'd forgotten it for a couple of days.

There was still so much unresolved, unsaid between them, but she didn't know what to say or how to resolve it. Even wanting to resolve everything once and for all was a new feeling that she didn't quite understand. They'd all been so good for so long at just pretending those things hadn't really happened. Sure they'd crop up a few times a year, there would be yelling and then they'd settle back into their normal pattern. Why was that not okay anymore? Why couldn't she just let it just sink back into the depths again?

She'd tried talking to her mother, maybe it was time to talk to her father. Who knew her mother better than he did? Maybe he'd have an idea of what to do to finally fix things. Suddenly her pace quickened, now she had a plan. This felt good. It felt like a step. She smiled and took a sip of her coffee and enjoyed the warm feeling it brought all the way down to her stomach.

Lorelai smiled at the tall blonde maid as she opened the front door of her parent's house. "Hi. I'm Lorelai."

"Mr. Gilmore is expecting you, Miss. He's in his study," the woman answered as she took Lorelai's coat.

"Thank you…" Lorelai replied, waiting for the woman to fill in her name. It seemed her mother had once again begun the revolving door of maids.

"Gretchen," she answered politely.

"Well, thank you, Gretchen." Lorelai turned and walked toward the study. She briefly wondered how long this maid would last. Once she reached the doorway and saw her father sitting at his desk, she became nervous. She hadn't been nervous on the drive over, but it finally hit her that she had no real idea what to say or what to ask. She wondered if her father would even understand what she was talking about. Maybe she should just forget it after all and go home, but then stuck in that moment of hesitation in the doorway her father looked up.

"Good morning, Lorelai," he greeted her with a broad smile as he stood up and walked around his desk.

Taking a deep breath, Lorelai took a step into the room. "Morning, Dad."

Richard walked up to her and gestured her into the room. "Come in. Sit down."

She walked over to the leather sofa and paused in front of it.

Richard began to follow her into the room then stopped, suddenly having remembered his duties as a host. "Would you like coffee or anything?"

"No," she answered. Intentionally having to tell her legs to bend, she slowly sat down on the sofa.

Richard sat opposite her in a large leather wing back chair and rested his elbows on the arms. After a moment of silence he prompted her, "You wished to discuss something?"

"Um… yeah… I did, Dad," she began. "I'm not really sure where to start. I was hoping you could give me some advice on something, I guess."

Richard smiled reassuringly at his daughter. "If I'm able. Is this something related to the Inn? An insurance matter?"

"No. No. It's not anything business related. Business is great." Lorelai paused and looked down at her hands, folding and refolding them in her lap. Her father remained quiet, waiting for her to continue. "I wanted to talk to you about Mom," she finally admitted, not looking up at him until after she'd said it.

"I thought things were going well between the two of you?" he asked.

Lorelai nodded. "They are. Really, well, mostly, but there just feels like there's this …this…" her hands came up gesturing as though she could find the right word in the air somewhere, "…thing. I can't really explain it. It's like we've actually gotten closer, but there's this thing… this…" her hands were gesturing again "this wall still between us that just keeps getting in the way of everything."

"A wall?" he asked quietly, leaning forward. He could tell she was truly upset by this and he wanted to make every effort to understand her. After all, she was his little girl and she had come to him for help. He would do whatever it took to help her. "What do you think this wall is?"

Lorelai sighed, her hands flopping down to her sides. "What isn't it? It's me getting pregnant, me not following the plan, me leaving, it's all of it."

Richard nodded but remained silent.

Lorelai took a deep breath. "I just think that somehow, some way we finally have to put it behind us."

"I don't know if that's possible," Richard replied thoughtfully.

Not being able to sit still any longer, she rose and began to walk around. "But there has to be something. This can't be how it is for the rest of our lives. I can't accept that. I won't accept that. It's not working anymore."

Lorelai was pacing frantically around the room, her eyes blazing with emotion and Richard was stunned by her resemblance to her mother in that moment.

She paused behind his desk chair and forcefully grasped the back with her hands. "What if something happens? What if something happens to Mom and we never work this out?"

Richard rose and made an effort to calm her down. "Nothing is going to happen to your mother."

"You can't promise that," she countered almost yelling with the forcefulness of the statement. "You don't know."

"Lorelai, calm down," he approached her slowly, afraid of making her even more upset than she clearly was.

She let go of the chair and walked around the other side of it away from him, her hands balled into fists. "I had this dream… this awful dream… and you told me…" she spun around and confronted him, tears glistening in her eyes. "You told me she was gone. Mom was dead. You can't promise that that won't happen for real. Someday it will."

Richard was shocked by how distraught she had become and how much what she was saying had affected him. He didn't know how he would react if he'd had the dream she described. No wonder she was so upset. He did his best to keep his own fears at bay so that he could reassure his daughter. He stepped slowly toward her again. "Yes, that's true, but you know yourself it's not likely to happen anytime soon." This time as he got closer Lorelai remained still. He chanced another step. Lorelai bit her lip and blinked back the tears stubbornly refusing to cry. Oh she truly was her mother's girl. Gently placing his hand on her upper arm, he steered her into one of the chairs facing his desk then leaned against the desk in front of her.

Lorelai dropped her head into her hands, elbows resting on the chair arms. She tucked her hair behind her ears and looked up at her father. "I feel like we need to talk about that time… when I left… like we somehow have to finally understand each other's sides of things or something, but every time I bring it up with her she shuts me out."

Richard remembered all too well what that time had done to the woman he loved. That had been the worst time in their marriage, worse by far than their separation. He'd actually thought back then that he'd lose her. That she'd just give up on life. "You have to accept that that isn't something your mother can talk about."

"Why?" she questioned desperate to understand. "Why can't she talk about it? It wasn't a picnic for me either you know, but I'm willing to talk about it."

Richard struggled to keep his own old anger at Lorelai for hurting Emily, for hurting them both that deeply, at bay for the moment. "I don't think you fully appreciate what your leaving did to her."

"So tell me," she pleaded. "Somebody please tell me."

Richard looked away from her for a moment, his memories of that time flooding back.

Lorelai tried to calm her voice. "You told me once before that she didn't get out of bed for a month. That has to be an exaggeration." She didn't want to bring her Aunt into this, so she decided to stick with what he'd told her himself.

"An exaggeration? That wasn't even half of it," he bit back at her, his voice low and tinged with bitterness. He took a calming breath before continuing in what he hoped to be a more civil tone, still looking straight out and not down at her. Clearly he was seeing what had happened back then in his mind. "Lorelai, all I can tell you is that I genuinely feared for your mother's health and well being. There were times she would not speak," he paused, struggling to keep the deep emotion out of his voice, "… for days." He took another breath and continued more dispassionately, clinically, "She ate only sporadically. She wouldn't dress or leave the room. On the rare occasions she left our bedroom, I would invariably find her in yours, sometimes weeping sometimes just staring out your window. I grew accustomed to the weeping, but it was when she wasn't weeping or showing any emotion at all that concerned me the most. I knew she didn't want anyone to know that you had left, but I finally had to tell someone. I tracked down your Aunt Hope, she and Gerard were in Ethiopia leading the famine relief effort. It took nearly two weeks for me to get word to her and for her to get here. Two weeks where I thought I'd lose my mind. Finally she was able to get through to your mother and coax her back to us."

Lorelai stared at her father as he spoke, the enormity of it all washing over her. She'd had no idea. No idea that anything could affect her mother that deeply. Brushing at the tears that streamed silently down her cheeks, she asked tentatively, "Why didn't you tell me?"

Richard saw for the first time remorse on his daughter's face instead of anger. "What would you have done?" he asked flatly.

"I would have come back," she answered sternly. She was beginning to get angry that she'd been kept in the dark all these years.

Richard sighed. He'd agonized at the time whether to find Lorelai and drag her back, to show her what she'd done to her mother. "Perhaps you would have. I'd like to think so. You have no idea how many times I got into the car to go get you and bring you home. We all made mistakes. It does no good to second guess them now."

Lorelai again wiped at the tears from her face. "I suppose you're right." She stood up and walked toward the door. Suddenly overwhelmed by a need to make him understand, she turned back to her father. "I really would have come back, Dad."

He nodded to her. For all her problems as a teenager, she had always been a very compassionate girl. He did believe she would have come back, but he doubted it would have been a long term fix to their problems.

She turned and again walked toward the door but this time his voice stopped her. She turned back from the doorway.

"If you had come back, would you have stayed?" he asked, wondering if he'd made the wrong decision all those years ago.

Lorelai took the time to consider his question. "Not indefinitely, no."

Richard nodded solemnly. "Nothing could make me happier than if you and your mother could come to some sort of understanding about all of this, but I strongly suggest when you do talk to her that you don't push her to talk about that time. She would be devastated if she knew that I had told you."

"I promise, Dad. It'll be just between you and me," she assured him, "but I'm glad you did. I think maybe I'm finally starting to understand her a little better."

"She loves you very much, Lorelai."

"I know, Dad. I know… and I love her too."

"I know that, but she's not always so sure" he explained. "The one thing you need to understand about your mother is that all that anger and yes, critical bravado of hers is a front. We need to make sure that she knows we love her, even in her most tyrannical moments, because those are the times her insecurities are the strongest."

Lorelai bit her bottom lip and nodded. She didn't trust her voice not to crack around the lump in her throat, and she knew fresh tears were about to start. Slowly she turned from the room and walked out.

Richard was left staring at the now empty doorway. His own doubts, he thought long put to rest, were resurfacing. Maybe he had done the wrong thing not telling Lorelai. He'd hired a private investigator to find her the night she'd left. Thankfully, the woman who owned the Independence Inn had called and told them where she was before the investigator had done more than a few hours of leg work. He literally had gotten into the car and started for Stars Hollow dozens of times in those first few weeks. Initially he'd been so angry that he feared he'd drive her further away. Then, he'd been worried that she would come back. That everything would be back to normal for a few months, maybe even a year before she would leave again. He hadn't thought Emily could survive losing them again. He wasn't even sure at that point she'd survive the first time. Had it been the right decision not to tell her?

Wondering where Richard had gotten off to, Emily climbed the staircase and entered the bedroom to find him sitting on the bed reading a book, at least it appeared that he was reading. She could tell that his mind was somewhere else. He had been restless and irritable ever since Lorelai left. Something had happened between the two of them, she just knew it. Sitting down gently next to him she said, "I wondered where you had gone. You didn't tell me you were coming upstairs."

Taking off his glasses and placing the book on the nightstand, he looked at her with a sad and tired expression on his face. He reached his hand up to her cheek and caressed it gently. "I'm sorry," he replied. "You were busy with the kitchen staff and I just needed a few moments to myself. You're not mad are you?"

"Of course not," she stated, resting her hand on his thigh. "I am concerned though. You just haven't seemed like yourself tonight."

"It's nothing for you to be worried about, Dear. Honestly." Taking her hand in his, he gently kissed it then got up and started toward the bathroom. "I think I'm just going to shower and get into bed. I'm exhausted and I have an early day tomorrow."

"Well, all right," Emily replied. Something was off and she strongly suspected that something was Lorelai. Not one to be deterred, she resolved to find out what exactly had her husband in such a funk.

Thirty minutes later Richard exited the bathroom clad in pajamas. Emily was already in her nightclothes, sitting in bed reading a book. He silently slipped into bed and turned off the bedside lamp. "Goodnight, Dear," he stated, leaning over to kiss her cheek.

"Richard, please. Tell me what's bothering you. If it's my work just say so. I promised that I would cut back—"

"That's not it," he assured her. "You did cut back and I appreciate it more than you know."

Emily furrowed her brow, "Then what, Richard?"

Sighing in defeat Richard looked at her. "It's just a conversation I had earlier with Lorelai."

"I knew it!" Emily exclaimed. "You've been moping around all evening and Gretchen told me she was here this morning. Everything has been going to well and she had to go and stir something up, didn't she? What was it? Another rant on her suffocating childhood? How controlling we were? How we smothered her?"

"Now Emily, It was nothing of the kind," he explained, clasping her hand in his own. Emily's disbelief was written clearly on her face. He brought her hand up to cover his heart and held it there. "You do believe me, don't you?"

The earnest look in his eyes was more than she could take, so for once Emily decided to back off. "Of course I believe you."

They smiled at each other for a moment, then he lifted her hand up to his lips and tenderly kissed the backs of her fingers. "I do love you, Emily Gilmore."

"And I love you," she replied, leaning in and kissing him gently on the mouth.

With that, she turned off her light and rolled over, unable to go to sleep. It was going to be a long night.

Lorelai hurried down the hall of the Dragonfly, her eyes scanning the clipboard in her hands, when a voice she wasn't expecting to hear called out to her.

"Lorelai, I need to speak to you."

She looked up and saw her mother standing near the door to the office, a finger pointed accusingly in her direction. "Mom, what are you doing here?"

"I told you. I'm here to speak to you." Emily stepped to the side of the doorway and gestured inside.

"Gee, Mom, I'd love to but we have the Silverman baby shower starting in less than an hour and I need to make sure everything's ready."

Emily crossed her arms. "I just came from the dining room. Marie and Stuart have everything under control. You can spare a few minutes."

Lorelai lowered her head and walked through the doorway into the office muttering, "What am I six?"

"What was that, Lorelai?" Emily asked following Lorelai into the room and closing the door.

Lorelai stepped behind the desk and put down her clipboard. "Nothing, Mom. Didn't say anything."

Emily shook her head but didn't peruse it further.

"So, what's up Mom? I thought you were taking the morning off to spend with Dad?"

"I was but he's been moping around since last night and you're the reason. I know you were at the house yesterday," Emily explained then added, "The new maid couldn't keep a secret to save her life. Clearly she was not to be trusted. Now what did you say to him?"

"Mom, it was nothing really," she replied with a shrug. "Just typical father daughter stuff."

"There is nothing typical about either you or your father," she countered quickly then sank down into the guest chair with a sigh. "I'm just trying to understand what's going on and he won't tell me. I was hoping you'd know."

Lorelai immediately felt guilty for causing further problems for her parents. She still hadn't come to terms with everything she'd learned the day before and her mother's concerns made her feel responsible for whatever was going on now. "Mom, really, I'm sure it's nothing. Why don't you go back home. Did you have any specific plans for today?"

"I was going to see if I could convince your father to go Christmas shopping with me. I know how he hates to shop, but I found something very special that I wanted to get for Rory and I thought he'd enjoy that."

"Well, go," Lorelai encouraged. "Tell him about it. He's wild about Rory I'm sure that will perk him right out of his funk."

"I'll give it a try," Emily replied, standing up and opening the door. She turned halfway and looked back over her shoulder at her daughter. "Thank you."

Lorelai smiled reassuringly at her. "Hey… that's what friends are for."

Their eyes locked for a moment. Emily's face registering only a fraction of the emotions she was feeling, but more than enough for Lorelai to understand how deeply they were felt. She then turned and walked down the hallway.

Thank you to Branda, Loridhhp, swimmerluver, LorLukealways, Carterfinley, and Mary. We appreciate the reviews and the time you all took to read our story. We hope you've enjoyed it and that you'll stick around with us for the next installment. However, it may be a few weeks as we are still in the midst of the writing process.