The guys discuss who's the most perfect girl in Walkerville.

The Most Perfect Girl in the Town of Walkerville

"Dude, that's just bogus, man. I doubt that you could date a Miss America," Ralphie Tennelli said, off-handedly to his best friend, Carlos Ramon, as they were walking in the school corridor, heading for their lockers.

"Why not? I'm handsome, smart and witty. And I play sports," Carlos smiled what he called a most 'dazzling' smile (although in his defense, it was pretty dazzling. Enough said).

"No way, man. 'Cause, you ain't that handsome. I mean, anyone could outdo you! And besides, you won't be dating Miss America, cause she will be mine!"

"Really?" Carlos scoffed. "You're a baseball player -"

"Baseball is America's favourite past-time and football is America's favourite sport," Ralphie interjected.

"And the basketball player calls the shots, and soccer is the most beautiful game in the world," Carlos finished triumphantly.

"Whatever. I play basketball too. That's three sports, dummy. You wanna take a bet? I'm telling you, if you can get the most perfect girl in Walkerville to go on a single date with you, I'll admit it, you're the man. I mean, you're not even as tall as I am (referring to the fact Carlos was 6'1 and he claimed he was taller, when they were, in reality, the same height), and you're even younger than I am (Carlos was born on the 27th of March, and Ralphie was born on the 7th of February), and you like to wear perfume."

"Man, I like to wear cologne. Not perfume. Besides, chicks dig the metrosexual man, who's not afraid to look good. And anyway, you're the one with the pink shirt."

"Real men wear pink. And by that logic, that means that girls like Arnold the most."

"G-G-Girls like me the most?" Arnold stuttered nervously.

"Gee, Arnold, we didn't notice you," Ralphie remarked. "Carlos was just telling us about his weird logic and whatnot. Forget about it."

"Phew," Arnold sighed in relief. Girls intimidated him. Not that he minded them they could be quite pretty, especially ones with r - but they were so unpredictable and unstable. That's what he was afraid of. At least rocks were stable. And they weren't alive either, which meant that he could always depend on them and not be subjected into some high school drama. Especially when high school was tough. He still hadn't gotten used to being rather - well -popular. Girls seemed to like him (he didn't realize he was a pretty boy with the same strawberry-blonde/red hair as he had when he was in 3rd grade, with the same glasses, but with a nice, tall and lean physique at 6'0) even though he really felt - ahem - uncomfortable with their attention. Well, maybe not all of them -

'You're too much of a wuss, Arnold," Tim Johnson commented from where he was, at the next locker (which was his). He'd finished taking out his books and joined the guys. "So what started this conversation?"

"Carlos-the-hothead swore he could get the most perfect girl in Walkerville to fall for him," Ralphie explained. "I was sure he wouldn't be able to."

"The problem is deciding who's the most perfect girl in Walkerville," Carlos explained.

"Any candidates?" Tim asked, taking out his sketchpad.

"None so far," Carlos replied

Arnold swallowed. He fidgeted and got nervous, "Well, erm, I, uh - I think, uh -" Arnold lowered his voice so low so as to be almost inaudible, " - Phoebe."

"Don't worry, Arnold we won't - wait, did you say Phoebe? As in, Phoebe Terese?" Tim asked, in astonishment.

"Phoebe?" Ralphie and Carlos asked, equally astonished. Then Ralphie broke out into a grin.

"Why, Perlstein, and we all thought you were too gay to function!" Ralphie smiled wickedly.

"Oh, no," Arnold stuttered. "Y-You don't get what I mean. I mean –" at the same time Carlos raised his eyebrows and said, "Phoebe? Phoebe Terese? From 3rd grade science class with the Frizz?"

"Well, she is pretty, in a Mischa Barton kind of way. Tall (referring to Phoebe's 5'9 Juno-esque stature) leggy, fair with a little smatter of freckles here and there, and glossy red hair - maybe a cross between her and Marcia Cross," Tim said aloud, criticizing Arnold's choice. "She's also very emotional though, with great feelings of empathy. I guess it's not a bad choice. OK, Phoebe Terese as candidate number 1. Who else?"

"Nah, I'll pass. Besides, Arnold might try and bribe Ralphie to murder me. Have you even talked to Phoebe since 3rd grade, Arnold?" Carlos replied.

"He didn't have to bribe me, Carlos. I could and would have done it long time ago if I wanted to," Ralphie said, and Arnold conveniently ignored Carlos' inquiry.

"Indeed," Carlos drawled sarcastically. They now turned around to a corner towards Ralphie and Carlos' lockers, which were nearby.

"Well, how about starting with the popular girls?" Tim suggested.

"Well, the most popular girls are Keesha Franklin, cheerleader and school media club president, Wanda Li, also cheerleader and drama club co-president, Dorothy Ann Slater, type A overachiever so we'll not go into details, Amanda Jane Overbaren, resident junior skank - "

"Not Amanda Jane Overbaren!" Carlos groaned. "Anyone but her! Have mercy! D.A. told me she's planning to launch a major assault!"

"D.A.? You mean, Dorothy Ann. From 3rd grade as well." Ralphie snickered, whilst Arnold, stuttered, "And six and seventh and even eighth. - W-wait. A-Assault?" and gulped. Tim, in the meantime, shook his head.

"You're right, Carlos. Amanda Jane is just too easy, what with her new fetish for fishnet stockings, and especially since we know she's got the hots for you. No, we'll spare her."

"So, Carlos," Ralphie interjected. "Tell us about D.A. How come I haven't noticed her around with you, and how come you insist to calling her in such familiar terms?"

Tim's ears pricked up. "You and D.A. still talk, man? I thought you were estranged from all the girls from Ms. Frizzle's class?"

"We-ell, D.A. and I, well, we've always been good friends, and we live near each other, and we do hang out together -"

"Wait a sec, you've been hanging out with D.A. even though we stopped talking to the girls in 6th grade because we grew apart?" Arnold's brow furrowed in confusion. "How come we've never noticed it?"

"Blonde hair, relatively petite, overachiever status. Has a Jennifer Anniston/Reese Witherspoon appeal, maybe even a little of Meg Ryan, with the All-American girl-next-door-looks," Tim commented, more to himself.

"Even me!" Ralphie looked put out. And then, he had a 'lightbulb on' look. "So that's why you spend Saturday nights at home!"

"Man, you spend Saturday nights at home? With D.A.?" Tim asked, in amusement, dropping his critique of D.A..

"You and D.A. have a secret relationship!" Ralphie declared triumphantly, pointing his fingers at Carlos for emphasis.

"What? - No!" Carlos was all denial. "Me and D.A. - she's cool, okay? And smart. And pretty. And she does not think of me that way. Besides (he turned to Ralphie), she's all obsessed with that Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice."

"But you spend all your Saturday nights with D.A.," Arnold shook his head. "I thought you were studying then, and that's why you're so smart."

"We were studying!" Carlos protested. "Aren't we supposed to be talking about getting the girl? Miss Walkerville?"

"Dude, D.A.'s one of the candidates!"

"Notice how all the girls we know from the Frizz's science class are candidates?" Arnold observed.

"I still can't believe that you and D.A. spend Saturday nights together for seven years and I never had a clue about it," Ralphie shook his head. "And you've been blowing me off all those Saturday nights!"

Carlos groaned. "Speak more of her and she'll come round the corner." He stopped at his locker and opened it. "Besides, I thought we were arguing on who was the best guy in Walkerville?"

"You were?"

"Well, between Ralphie and I," Carlos explained. "And we figured, the best guy gets the best girl, right?"

"Well, true. And here comes one of those 'best girls'. Yo, D.A., whassup, girl?"

Dorothy Ann looked a little confused. You would be, if suddenly, out of the blue, Ralphie Tennelli decides to talk to you after politely maintaining an alternate existence for seven years.

"Oh, hey, Ralphie. Hi Carlos. Hi, guys."

"So, listen. We hear our man Carlos has been blowing off Saturday night for you. Is that true?" Ralphie, never one to beat around the bush, put forth bluntly.

"Carlos, I thought you never had any plans on Saturday night," Dorothy Ann looked to him.

"I didn't," Carlos shrugged.

"What does he do Saturday nights anyway, with you?" Tim asked, curiously.

Dorothy Ann raised an eyebrow. "Nothing much. Why?"

"Are you sure it's nothing much?" Ralphie wheedled. "There must be something."

A frown flitted through Dorothy Anne's pretty features. "I don't know what this is about, and I don't want to know, do I?" (The last part of this question was addressed to Carlos.)

"No, D.A., you don't. Ralphie is going all crazy because he thinks we're together."

"Hey, D.A., you're blushing. Ohoho!" Tim smirks.

"If you will excuse me, I'm going. I have no wish to be detained by two very silly adolescent kids who I haven't spoken to in years. Please excuse me."

"Kids, who're you calling kids?" Ralphie demanded after Dorothy Ann's retreating back, while Arnold said, "Well, that wasn't very helpful. You guys will never find out who's the best guy in Walkerville."

"You guys want to know who's the best guy in Walkerville High?" Dorothy Ann spun around, interested. "Why didn't you just ask?"

"Well, originally Carlos said that the best guy in Walkerville could date Miss America, or at least Miss Walkerville, and well, we narrowed down who were the best candidates," Arnold explained.

"Oh."

"But do you know who's the best guy in Walkerville?" Ralphie asked. "I'm begging you D.A. I know none of us guys were ever close to you girls after middle school, with the possible exception of Carlos here, but we've been great pals back in the day."

"Oh stop, Ralphie!" D.A. said in mock consternation and pulled up a pink file. "I'm sure it's here somewhere," she sad, rummaging through the file. "Ah, here it is. As of January 1st, the polls on the guys in Walkerville. And the hottest guy is -"

Carlos inhaled deeply.

" - Arnold Perlstein." Dorothy Ann put the file back.

"Arnold?" Ralphie was incredulous.

"M-me?" Arnold didn't believe it. "I knew I should have stayed at home today!"

"Well, Arnold leads by two votes over both Carlos and Ralphie, who are seven votes ahead of Tim and -"

"You analyzed the results, D.A.?" Carlos asked her, looking at her intently.

Dorothy Ann smiled. "No, Carlos. I was supposed to, but these results are fairly recent. And, to tell the truth, with my AP classes, and science club, and Walkerville Charity, and volleyball, and everything else, I haven't had time."

"I'll help you later then, OK?"

"Thanks, Carlos. And I never thanked you for cleaning the lab yesterday. It was sweet of you to do that, especially since it was both of us who were running late."

"Well, you know what they say; little boys can't resist explosions."

Dorothy Ann laughed. "Oh Carlos!" She checked her watch. "Well, I'd better get running. I'm meeting Wanda, and I'm already running late. 6:00 pm?"

"Wouldn't miss it, D.A." Carlos said in a husky voice. "See you!"

He watched her go past him, down the corridor, and then turned around to his other friends.

"Nothing's going on?" Arnold asked.

Carlos opened his mouth to deny his friends' theories, but Ralphie beat him. "Oh save it, We already know who Carlos' favourite candidate is."

"Dorothy Ann Slater, Miss Walkerville. Has a ring to it," Tim commented.

"Shut up," Carlos said.

"Notice how he didn't deny the comments?" Ralphie said. "Ouch!" he yelped, as Carlos whacked him. "Carlos, that hurt!"

"Suck it up, wimp."

Fin

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