Disclaimer: I do not own the Alex Rider series.

15th January, 1987

I was just staring at your tiny fingers and I was thinking 'I would literally do anything for you'.

Your little face was really tired looking and you already had wispy tufts of blond Rider hair. It has to be said that you were the image of me. But you have to be really careful who you say that to. As soon as Helen's parents saw you they let out what can only be described as a huge sigh of relief. "Oh Helen, he looks just like you!" her dad said, like it was the best news he'd heard the whole year.

But I didn't care. Because deep down everybody knows you looked like me.

I know I sound really stupid and conceited but I can't even begin to describe to you what a baby is like. You were just this little bundle in my arms and I smiled the entire day. You even gripped my finger. I swear my heart stopped when you held on to my index. It was amazing. I couldn't stop rubbing your fingers. I hope you don't mind Alex. It was just so special.

Having a little boy who depends on me made me realise I couldn't afford to mess up anymore. Anything that put me at risk put you at risk too.

You have Helen's eyes. But I was watching you while you slept so I couldn't see them. Helen told me not to go into your room but I just had to. So I turned to leave and then I stepped on that big floppy bunny of yours. Your eyes shot open and you looked around wildly. You saw me and this look of terror filled your face. You opened your little mouth and got ready to wail.

So, and I hope you'll forgive me for this Al, I just popped my finger in your mouth.

You calmed down totally so I picked you up and rocked you gently til you nodded off.

Your mum was none the wiser. John one, Fatherhood blunders nil.

I went back downstairs and Helen presented to me a speech about her post baby identity. Basically, she said that we were a family now and that we should do things together. So she said we were going to write a journal for you. So that you can look back and read it when you're older. I hope you like the idea Al. Because I wasn't too keen on it at first. But Helen put her foot down on this one.

I guess it'll be a nice thing for you to have when you're older.

16th January, 1987

Helen has gone into hospital today to work off her two weeks notice so I'm looking after you. You're really quiet Al. But your nappies are just disgusting. It's like you just wait 'til I'm on the phone to my boss before you do the biggest poo you can. But it's ok. I forgive you.

I was really mad at you this morning. I put you in that Tigger Moon Bounce toy Ian bought for you and I let you do your thing. Helen had said you were still too you young for it but you were fine.

I watched the Chelsea match on TV. To be honest, I think you were watching too. You kept yipping when Chelsea were doing well. You made me laugh so hard Al! It was the most adorable thing ever, seeing a little newborn bouncing away and making excited little yips at the TV.

But then, Chelsea lost.

One minute you were fine, even if we were two down, and the next you started wailing because the ref blew the final whistle. You stopped bouncing so I crouched down and bounced you again. And, in between shrieking and wailing you found time to get sick all over my shoes! My brand new ones! -Note to self: You owe me a new pair of shoes!-

Then Ash called round. He nearly dropped you. We took you to the park and then we went for lunch.

Now it's just us again and I'm watching you in your rocking baby chair thing. You're looking up at me with huge brown eyes. I think you like me Al. I absolutely adore you. You're just so perfect.

I play with you a lot and I think you're favourite game is flying baby. The name kind of gives it away but the idea is that I throw you up in the air and then catch you again. You like watching Teletubbies but they give me the creeps. And you like bananas too.

Helen just got in. She loves you too Al. Lots and lots. You're the best thing that's happened for us in a long time.

17th January 1987.

Hi Al! It's two in the morning and I just got you back to sleep. Helen's working a late shift at the hospital and you just finished screaming the house down. I dragged myself out of bed and fed you and changed you and rocked you. I might even have cuddled you too. But don't tell Ian or he'll think I've gone soft.

I'm watching you drift off and I shake my head. You're a lot of work. But you're worth every single second.

18th January 1987.

I just got home and I'm leaving again in a few minutes but I thought I'd fill in my first little note in this journal. I'm sitting here, sipping a cup of tea and watching you and John. I'm really glad you two have bonded. You have so much fun together.

Neighbours is on but you two are busy playing a game on the sofa so no-one is really watching it. John's tossing you up and down and catching you. I think you like it a lot. I'm not so sure I do though. If he drops you I think I'll have to kill him.

I admit it, I'm jealous. Really jealous. John gets to spend time with you and I'm too swamped with hospital stuff to get in any Alex and mum time.

John's got a month off from his mission. You should ask him about it when you're old enough to understand. I made him do this journal with me for two reasons.

1- It'll be a great present for your sixteenth birthday. (Devious me, skimping on your future birthday presents- mwah!)

2- It'll keep his mind off his mission.

Alex, it's so strange writing to you while I'm watching you. You just cried and John says he thinks you want me to hold you. I swear, the man thinks he speaks baby! Anyway, I hear you crying son. So, if you'll excuse me, I'll put this journal aside for today. You're calling for me Alex, and I will answer.

19th January 1987.

Yassen turned up today. He didn't really know what to make of you. You gurgled at him and gave him a sloppy baby kiss (with a lot of assistance from me). He even smiled at you.

That might not seem like much but for Yassen it is.

We went for a walk down the town so that you could see for yourself the hustle and bustle of the monthly market. I think you really liked the market stalls.

You grabbed onto a wooden beaded necklace and when I tried to pull your little fingers from it you started wailing. So Yassen bought it for you. I dangled it in front of you and when we got back home you were already asleep, holding it.

Yassen's gone to get us a chippy and I'm sitting with you in my lap. You keep trying to grip this journal. I wonder if I should give it to you. But then again, you're dribbling all over me and if you ruin the book Helen will probably tear me to shreds.

Yassen just got back. He's asking me why I'm jotting stuff down in a huge journal. I just shrugged at him. He's holding you now but I think he's afraid he's going to drop you. I just told him how Ash nearly dropped you and he nodded. No laugh, no chuckle; not even a smile. He's a strange one Yassen. But I like him a lot. He grows on you the more time you spend with him and then you start reading the unsaid hints he leaves.

You just wet yourself on Yassen's trousers. He seems the tiniest bit angry at you. But don't lose sleep over it, I can tell that deep down he likes you a lot. Everyone will like you Alex. And when the girl's start coming here to see you... Let's just say I know what a little Rider charm can do. And you'll need more than a little of it to convince your mum to let you out of the house.

Now Yassen's really curious about what I'm writing. So I'm explaining to him the concept while I write to you. He thinks it's a nice idea. At least, he says he does. You've dropped off now so I'm going to put you to bed. Yassen's going to stay the night on the sofa and Helen ought to be back tomorrow night. (She's been working non stop to try and make up for the time her friends covered for her. They shouldn't have had to cover in the first place because she had maternity leave but her boss is a serious ass. Maybe you should not let her see this part? It'll be our little secret.)

I have an assassin who might be my closest friend who I've told nothing but lies to on my sofa. My wife is working insane hours which she shouldn't even have to and she's too tired to even kiss me when she gets home at ungodly hours everyday/night. My brother has disappeared on a mission to some depressingly war torn place, it's very likely that he will die and he never even called to tell me he loved me.

And my new-born son is sleeping peacefully in his room. Right now Al, you're the only thing that's got any balance in my life. And I love you, big man. So now, as soon as I finish this line, I am going to sleep. (I lied, I have to write another line; Goodnight Alex, I love you)

24th January 1987.

I just got in from work and John just left. He said something about Ian and then bolted out the door. Strange man.

Anyway, I've just put my feet up and I'm having a lovely cup of tea while you take a nap. You make a little breathy noise while you sleep and I'm listening to it right now. It's been so hectic Alex! I've had hardly ten minutes to focus on you since your birth. As soon as I got home with you my boss called me back in. (In case you didn't notice I've been working constantly to cover Mary and Frieda's shifts because of all the cover they pulled for me. Which they shouldn't even have had to cover seeing as I was supposed to get more maternity leave than I did. But my boss is a complete ass. Maybe you shouldn't show John this entry when you read it? It'll be our little secret!)

I guess I really should make more time for you and me. John's been planning our holiday for the past week. I think that he's really looking forward to us spending time together. As a family. We're going to the South of France. It's going to be great.

So, here are the plans so far. We're flying out from a little airport outside of London. A maternity nurse we've hired as your nanny called around today. Her name is Maud Kelly, she's Irish and she's a few years older than me. She's really cheerful and she absolutely adores you.

We'll be spending three weeks in the South of France and then we'll spend a week in Barcelona before jetting off to Austria. Maud will be coming with us to help look after you so everything will be perfect. I can't wait for people to meet you Alex. But then again, I wish I could just keep you in my pocket for the rest of your life. That way no one else is going to see how brilliant you are. Because when people see something brilliant they want to keep it. Maybe that's why I want to keep you to myself.

But what do I know? I married John Rider. He's not exactly an easy dog to keep in the yard. I really hope he means it when he says he's quitting his work. Ending the mission. He'd better. Otherwise I'll take you and leave.

I know it sounds callous. I know it's a cruel threat. I know that us leaving would kill him. But if it comes down to it Alex, I will. I don't think it will come to that Alex. John seems to have grown up these past few days. And he loves you to bits.

You just woke up so I'm going to feed you now. I love you Alex. I love you more than you'll ever know. I just hope you understand that.

(P.S I know I wrote it but I would never ever ever separate you and John. How could I try and split up the Dream Team??)

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