A/N: Standard disclaimer applies.

This is the last chapter of this story. As usual, I'm sorry that it took so long to post it. I needed some time to convince myself that the ending I decided on was the appropriate and the best one. The gorgeous song ("This Could Kill Me" by Amy Stroup, which of course I do not own) included in here is from PLL- that show has an awesome soundtrack and I love how they almost always feature indie artists, hands down. If you have the time, listen to this song, it's gold I swear.

Iuvenalis, my ever reliable and helpful beta-reader, you rock. Even if I wanted to do things on my own and was always stubborn you never failed to help me. Thank you so much. I have learned a lot and I look forward to working with you again. Best beta-reader ever!

To all readers and reviewers, again sorry for my sporadic postings schedules and thank you for staying with me. This is for you guys. I hope you'll see what I truly want you to see.

Chapter 12

All is well
The spell is broken

The key swiveled with a quick movement of her wrist and the snapping sound of the door lock reached her ears. Uncertainly, she pushed open the wooden door and hauled in the two heavy suitcases behind her. The foyer that welcomed her was dim. Piercing in however through a small window above the door was a thin ray from the half-risen sun and the illumination it provided was enough to make moving around possible. In an accustomed fashion, she dropped her keys on the foyer table and then reached for the light switch on the opposite wall.

Kaoru had finally returned home.

The feeling was strange though, she noticed. Wasn't coming home supposed to be a comforting and reviving repose rather than a taxing disquiet?

Going around and trying to retrieve the lost fondness she once held for the place, she quickly observed that everything had remained exactly how it was: The wood in the fireplace that had crumbled into a heap of charred remnants and white ashes was undisturbed. A corner of the rug in the living room was upturned and three of Sano's playing cards littered the stairs. The remote control of the TV was characteristically stuck between the cushions of the couch and his white jacket was haphazardly draped over the armrest. On top of the kitchen island was her half-finished to-do list, an almost empty jug of sake, and two dog-eared recipe books Sano had given to her in their first month of marriage. The alarm clock on the nightstand was still set at five in the morning.

The unchanged state of things was a frozen fraction of time, a glimpse to a not so distant life that was abruptly put on hold but never again could resume, only slowly vanish. In her eyes, the home she and Sano shared was only a stark reminder of all she had held dear and lost, of the person she was and the person she would never be again. It was the onerous anchor of the past, burdening her with the shames of yesterday and overshadowing her anticipation of a restoring future. Moving out and seeking healing elsewhere was obligatory if she wanted to move on, she thought. It was a journey with an indeterminate beginning and even more uncertain ending but Kaoru didn't mind- the need to run away was more persistent than the fear of the uncertainties she knew she would face soon enough.

She went upstairs, running a hand along the railing but quickly withdrawing it upon feeling dust beneath her fingers. Kaoru began packing personal belongings she could not part with or leave behind (such as some books she knew by heart, a kimono set passed down to her by her deceased mother, and an assortment of hair ribbons she had been collecting since childhood). Throwing open the closet doors, she likewise gathered her garments and unceremoniously hurled them into the waiting portmanteaus. The zipper of the overly stuffed luggage however was being stubborn, refusing to budge no matter how much strength she put into pulling it.

Pausing for a minute, Kaoru let her attention be sought fully by an object in her peripheral vision. She walked towards it, disobeying a small voice of reluctance at the back of her mind. It was a rack of Sano's clothes and her hand reached mechanically for the fabric of a particular business suit, fingers following the path of the pinstripes. The next thing she knew, the recollections of the previous day she had been successful in shunning were now parading overwhelmingly wild before her eyes.

I am here with you
For a moment

The day of Sano's interment was paradoxically a beautiful one. There wasn't a single tendril of cloud in the sky, allowing the sun to shine in its full glory and might. The spring air smelled sweetly of the nature's long awaited renaissance. The birds glided in the air and twittered in a tone almost sounding to be of jubilation, as if there wasn't a dead husband to finally say goodbye to or a widow to be left alone with nothing but a guilty conscience and a host of unanswered questions. The minister's speech hazily registered on Kaoru's mind- it being sidetracked by the frequent sobs and gentle murmurs of sympathy from those who came to share with her the sorrow of that day. Eventually, the urn holding Sanosuke Sagara's cremated remains was wrapped in a velvet bag and then lowered into the ground. Tears ceaselessly slid down her face as Kaoru shut her eyes, muttering the silent prayer she had already prayed a hundred times before.

'The wounds inflicted upon my heart have led me to harbor so much hatred and unhappiness, so much that it left no room for compassion and forgiveness. But those wounds, as I think you might have already known, have started to get better, soothed by the deep affection I have both given to and received from another man- for that I am deeply sorry. I am guilty: I have never been a perfect wife. I couldn't make you a decent meal or identify with that wild, daring side of yours. I have chosen to forget all that was good and beautiful about us as I let my foolish heart latch onto someone else's. I have deserted your side when you needed support and assurance the most. For all of my wrongdoings and selfishness, Sano, I apologize and pray that you will find it in your heart to forgive me- the same way I have forgiven you.

Wherever you may be, may you find the happiness and peace you did not find during our time together. I promise to lovingly remember you every once in a while, without any hint of hurt or resentment in my heart, but to be able to do that…I ask for your help. Will you comfort me as I move on and bless me the strength I know I will need to face life alone?

Thank you for everything. Rest now and goodbye, dear husband, old friend.'

When Kaoru opened her eyes again she was being led out of the cemetery by the gentle, supportive arms of a green-eyed friend. Allowing herself to be guided, she walked on with slow yet steady steps, never looking back to where not only her existence as Kaoru Sagara concluded but also to where her life as a widow truly began.

Blinking and shaking her head a little, Kaoru snapped out of her contemplation. Her gaze travelled to the soft fabric she had been stroking a little while ago. A very faint trace of loneliness tugged at her heart and she hurriedly returned Sano's coat to where it was previously hanging inside the closet. She then made a mental note to call later the only relative of Sano's she knew and to whom she had entrusted the care of the would-be abandoned house.

Letting go of a heavy sigh, Kaoru refocused her attention to the bags she were packing and looked around for a while to make sure she hadn't left anything of importance. She went downstairs and turned out all the lights, going from room to room with deliberate carefulness and silence in all her movements. She slid her keys into her coat pocket and, without even merely stealing a backward glance to the house that was again plunged into darkness, shut the door behind her. Kaoru's hand lingered a little on the knob before lastly and literally letting go of the past that would now and forever be left behind.

Kenshin had given Kaoru three weeks of peace and freedom, a time he knew she needed and wanted to herself. Maybe such time wasn't enough to thoroughly eliminate the remorse and confusion encumbering her mind, but he was feeling certain that it was enough time for her to decisively make a decision regarding whatever it was that was between them.

Look in your eyes
Close as we'll ever be

Those three weeks had been agonizingly difficult for him- it had been a vicious struggle to keep himself in control of all his muddled emotions. After the night she vulnerably broke down when he paid her a visit of condolence, it had immediately become impossible to ignore the imperative yearning to rescue Kaoru from such great wretchedness and to hide her in the protection of his arms. Actually, on one too many occasions he had found himself standing outside the funeral hall, hiding behind some shadowed corner, and praying desperately for a chance to see her again. Guilt then instantly assaulted his thoughts, making him question himself and wonder about the consequences of his actions.

Was he not the sole reason for all of Kaoru's anguishes? If he had not let his feelings grow and drag her into this chaotic, adulterous love affair, then she would have been less hurt and guilt-ridden. If he had not been horribly selfish to assert her as his, to take her away from her husband's bedside so that she was there when that man was trapped between life and death, then she would not have been this caught up in a tangled web of sorrow, self-hatred, and regret. Kenshin realized then that all this time he had been the root of all of Kaoru's pain, the same pain that he so wanted to ease. He was being cruelly insensitive too: Sanosuke Sagara was dead, friends and families were grieving his death and he was callously insulting his memory by desiring Kaoru and searching for an opportunity to steal her away. What kind of monster he was to disrespect a dead man and his mourning loved ones.

Mulling over these realizations riddled Kenshin's conscience with such great guilt and shame. He then grudgingly left, ignoring the throbbing in his chest as he soundlessly walked away. Now was not the right time to act.

He tried distracting himself whenever memories of Kaoru came too close to consciousness. In lieu of locking himself up in his hotel room, Kenshin devoted some of his time to taking care of the indifferent and dispirited Megumi. They spoke disinterestedly to each other for a few times a day, neither of them making even the littlest effort to improve such arrangement. Still, in the middle of the night when the stillness was perfect and pensive, he would lie helpless in his bed as his mind wandered amidst the uncountable memories of Kaoru. He would dial her number every time an irrepressible desperation seized him and then instantly hang up when awareness of his actions dawned. He missed her terribly and what he wouldn't give to see the sincerest affection in her eyes and the wholehearted welcome of her smile.

For three long, tormenting weeks, Kenshin had successfully ignored all the urges of calling her. But today, despite summoning control of his raging emotions, he failed- or more correctly, he gave up. The yearning to feel the comfort and calm her of presence became too overpowering to resist or not heed. He needed to see her and he needed to see her now.

Kaoru was being uncooperative however.

Is this love
This could kill me

Pressing the mobile phone to his ear, Kenshin let out a disappointed sigh when the voice operator he had been hearing since morning spoke again. How many times he had tried to reach her he couldn't tell. All he knew was that all of the calls he'd made were constantly forwarded to the voice mailbox and none of them were ever returned.

"Kaoru, please call me as soon as you're ready," he said beseechingly after the all too familiar beeping on the other line, "Putting this off won't get us anywhere. We need to talk."

He hung up and stared at the device in his hand, wondering if she was purposely shunning him because she'd decided to let go of the beautiful though unjust intimacy they shared or because she had not made up her mind yet. Kenshin was a little uncertain of what he'd do if Kaoru would choose to give up on them. Of course, he was confident of the affections Kaoru held deeply for him but what worried him was the kindness and self-sacrifice abundant in her heart. She had that habit of recklessly putting others before herself, even the person who shattered the peace in her life. Upon learning of Megumi's improving condition, Kaoru immediately pushed him away. "I will not hold you back, Kenshin. I really wish you'll be able to find happiness with her again. Hurry and go, your wife needs you- now more than ever," those were her exact words, he remembered clearly. Sometimes, the unlimited compassion natural to Kaoru could be more profound than the love she had for him.

The loud dinging of the elevator bell brought Kenshin out of his thoughts. His feet felt heavy and his heart heavier as he stepped out to the hospital hallway he had grown accustomed to. The predictable noises of the chattering medical staff reached his ears and they grew louder as he neared them. Forcing a small smile to his lips and inclining his head towards their direction, he regarded their almost simultaneous greeting and continued on his way. He was turning around a corner when a blur of black tresses registered on his peripheral vision.

Kenshin felt a sinking feeling in his chest when he immediately realized that the woman a few feet from him was not the person he had unconsciously hoped she would be. It was Megumi, cradled in a wheelchair and staring at the panoramic view of the nearby sea. He crossed his arms, leaned back on the wall and observed, purposefully silencing his movements so that his presence would remain undetected by her.

Losing choices with this love
The simple way was not for us
It never was
It never was
This could kill me

Megumi looked undeniably better than she did the first time she had stirred out of coma. The natural color that tinted her cheeks was returning and she had regained already the several lost pounds. Apparent however was the missing sharpness and wit that were typically present in her eyes and the burn scars that ran along the entire length of her forearms. Excluding that and her temporarily unreliable legs, it could be inferred that she could recuperate and continue…on her own, Kenshin thought and tried convincing himself.

Actually, Megumi had not fully adapted to a life in a wheelchair- she still had major difficulties maneuvering the chair in small spaces and she knocked things over every now and then. There were also a few slow-healing burns that ran along the sides of her trunk. They restrained her movements and he could remember hearing her hissed in discomfort whenever she tried extending her arms. Could he really leave her alone then, especially now when attention and support were indispensable for the long period of physical therapy she would have to undergo?

It was not like she would be absolutely alone, of course. Her father would definitely attend to her needs and such devotion would help heal her physical injuries, Kenshin believed.

But Megumi wasn't just physically injured. Sanosuke's death hurt far more than any of her injuries did. The first and last time she had let the great woe in her heart show was the morning he broke the news of his death. That she was afterwards able to conceal the incalculable pain didn't mean that she wasn't hurting as much anymore. Sometimes, hints of longing and grief were recognizably reflected in her eyes, particularly whenever she thought nobody was around…such as now.

Kenshin's eyes remained on her seated form. Her gaze however had dropped to a nonexistent spot on the tiled floor. Desperation and something that looked very much like anger tainted her facial features before she firmly gripped each of the armrests. Trying to get out of the wheelchair, Megumi pushed herself up and her face contorted to an expression suggestive of immense pain. Kenshin rushed over and grasped her shoulders, his hands coaxing her gently back to her seat.

"I can't believe you're doing this again," he spoke, a face indicative of slight irritation and concern meeting her shocked gaze, "I thought you already realize that mere determination will not enable you to walk again. Healing takes time."

The hurt that washed over her countenance made him regret his bluntness. He picked up the small blanket that fell to the floor and carefully draped it over her lap. He stepped back and walked nearer to the window, making sure to reestablish a safe distance between them- a habit that he and she had concurrently developed.

"I know, I'm sorry," said Megumi, voicing the apology that Kenshin believed was supposed to come from him. Feeling guilty like a child chastised by her parents, she stooped her head low and let her long hair to cascade like a waterfall around her face. She needed something to cover her eyes, she thought, for imminent was her breakdown.

Megumi had admitted a long time ago that she was guilty of so much sinfulness and that for all of it she deserved to be penalized. The ugly scars that marred her body, her legs that she couldn't put to use, the guilt she would carry for the rest of her life, and the infinite distance between her and her once-cherished husband- for all of the sufferings that she knew were to come she had prepared herself. But never had Megumi thought that the heavens would be as forbidding as to bequeath upon her the one punishment she knew she could never bear- the loss of her beloved. She missed Sano, so much she yearned to run away, to follow him wherever he'd gone and to spend the rest of eternity by his side. So every time an opportunity presented itself, she'd try to stand, to flee…but she was constantly arrested by either an authoritative conscience or a physical restraint.

She was a hopeless captive- fettered by dysfunctional legs and prisoned in a wheelchair.

Five minutes of heavy silence passed before the first stifled sobs from Megumi punctuated the air around them. She had tried her hardest to defeat the urge to cry, but the agony had become too great that it sought release. Finally giving in, she wept.

"Did you love him?"

She raised her head, flabbergasted. Her eyes were unmet though as Kenshin kept his glued to the panorama the window had so generously provided. She had anticipated him to be utterly silent, as how he had always behaved around her since her infidelity came to light.

"W-what?" She asked, voice shuddering. She needed to make sure that what she had heard was real, accurate, not illusory.

"Sanosuke. Did you love him?" He spoke his name slowly. For reasons that were unknown even to himself, he raised a question to which he already knew the answer.

Megumi let her gaze fall, the silence was so flawless that she could almost hear the sound of her tears falling on her fisted hands. It was after a little while when she found her voice again.

"I did."

"How much?"

"So much that I almost want to…follow him." A fresh wave of sobs overwhelmed her and violently her shoulders shivered. She was defenseless against the host of ruthless emotions of loss and longing that were ripping her heart into countless fragments.

'I know the feeling well,' he thought, 'For I, too, long for her.' Only then did he begin to comprehend that the despair wreaking havoc on Megumi wasn't so different from his. Kenshin turned to look at her, his eyes shone with sympathy as he watched a gentle ray of the setting sun hit her moistened face.

All is well
The spell is broken
I am here with you
For this moment

He had underestimated her pain and the likeness between them. If there was another person, like him, who was fraught by the hurt and helplessness of falling in love with the right person at the wrong time- it was Megumi. If there was another heart, like his, who sought to be unchained so that it could offer itself to someone else- it was hers. If there was one who could identify with the incalculable melancholy and guilt tearing him from the inside, it was his wife, who just like him had intensely loved another and found herself wounded, broken in the end.

With an unusual hint of uncertainty in his movements, he knelt in front of her and placed his hands over her knees. Megumi, all too consumed in her own grief, did not respond to his gentle touch and instead buried her face in her hands. She whispered Sano's name like a litany, as if the mere reiteration would bring him back from the land of the dead.

"I understand," Kenshin declared, his eyes flashing with such vulnerability as his thoughts wandered to a certain blue-eyed woman. Oh, how he longed to feel the welcoming, restorative embrace of Kaoru's arms, to gaze at the boundless understanding in her eyes, and to bathe in the uplifting light of her whole being.

He laid his head on top of his hands, listened to her muffled words, and sighed.

Yes, for the first time in a very long while, he had come to understand that once again he and Megumi shared a parallel emotion: the yearning for a beloved who was anything but out of reach.

Kaoru knew she was intruding and the awareness had evoked a voice in her mind telling her with an alarming imperativeness to turn away and leave, yet she could not. She could just stand- frozen and hushed- as a scene unfolded before her eyes, breaking every little bit of her resolution.

She had arrived earlier in the small seaside town with only one clear thought in her wildly muddled mind- she wanted to see Kenshin, and maybe even ask him to come along with her on a journey that would begin in sinful selfishness but might end in redeeming freedom. Kaoru would take him back, and after three long hours of the train's transit, she had successfully persuaded herself that not even the gaping hole of guilt left by Sanosuke's death could stop her from doing so.

Walking on the familiar road leading to the hotel, Kaoru spotted a blur of red moving on the other side of the street. An inexplicable sense of fear seized her and though her mind acted quickly to extinguish it, her feet had quickly moved to seek refuge behind the trunk of a wide cherry blossom tree. Hiding, Kaoru watched as Kenshin continued on his way, walking with that simple grace she had been enamored with and missed terribly. The glow of the setting sun made his hair seemed like embers drifting in the warm spring air, and his downcast amethyst eyes told her all the warring emotions he was trying to keep under strict control. Missing from his lips was the gentle smile that he always used to conceal (especially from her) the onerous sense of loneliness and guilt that she knew was lurking in the deepest recesses of his fractured heart.

Kenshin Himura seemed so uncharacteristically vulnerable, this she quickly realized.

Look in your eyes
Close as we'll ever be

With movements executed with utmost cautiousness, Kaoru followed him to the hospital. She climbed the stairs when he entered the elevator, certain and a little disheartened that his destination was Megumi's hospital room at the seventh floor. She quickened her pace, her mind racing with a wild paranoia- she was afraid that Kenshin wasn't just literally slipping away, that maybe once he was in Megumi's company she would lose all her resolve and power to take him along with her. No, she had lost someone dear to her, had tasted a nasty treachery and defeat before. This was her last time to prove she was stronger than that.

But when she arrived, the sight a few meters from where she was standing had so effortlessly casted a spell that turned her feet to jelly and her heart to a waning candlelight. She leaned on the wall for support, squinting as tears instantly crowded her vision; and though the sting was hellish, she watched as Kenshin knelt in front of Megumi and laid his hands over her knees. Megumi hurriedly covered her face as a sob overwhelmed her, only then did she notice the burn scars that ran along the entire length of her forearms.

He was near, she could call out his name and she was certain he would heed it. He was near, she could tell him her plans and ask him to go away with her on a journey that may never end. He was near, she could run to him and embrace him like she'd never let go. Kenshin was near, but he was nearer to her.

This is love
This could kill me

When he laid his head on top of his hands, the dejection all too evident in his movements, Kaoru was able to find her strength again and she walked back to hide behind some shadowed corner along the corridor, listening to the not-so distant sounds of anguish.

Maybe she was wrong- maybe she didn't need Kenshin as much as Megumi needed him. Megumi had been through so much: she had wallowed between life and death, had been brought back to existence only to be sent by Sano's death to a limbo yet again. Her mind was burdened with an enormous guilt, her body scarred by numerous burns, and her soul prisoned in her own incapacitated body. How could all of Megumi's sufferings compare to her, she who had nothing but a fragmented heart to reassemble and a disarrayed mind to clear? Oh how petty her needs were and how lavish her selfishness was.

Maybe she was delusional- maybe Kenshin's affections didn't run as deep as she had originally believed. Who knew somewhere in his heart he had always reserved a special place for Megumi, one she could always return to and claim, one where he constantly waited for the rekindling of their love, where he longed to welcome her with open arms the moment she wept and implored his forgiveness. Then Kenshin Kaoru knew was kind, too kind. He could forgive anyone- anyone except himself.

Maybe she truly was stronger than this- maybe there was more strength in letting go than fighting to hold on. After all, it was tougher to throw down your weapon, raise your hands, and surrender when all you desperately wanted to do was fight till the bitter end. Like a sun retreating to the brink of the world so that the moon could shine and painting the sky with hundred streaks of divine colors, like a phoenix that died amidst a raging firestorm only to be reborn more glorious and iridescent than ever, like a tree shedding its leaves in the autumn so that it could endure the biting iciness of winter and then bloom again with the promise of hope and restoration - there was so much splendor in losing and sacrifice.

Kaoru Kamiya never looked more beautiful as she weakly wiped her tears with the back of her hand, straightened her back, and noiselessly walked away.

Losing choices with this love
The simple way was not for us

The second train that stopped before her on the terminal platform had just departed. Kaoru watched as it moved gradually before zipping into the darkened horizon. She stared at the diminishing silhouette until finally it, like the murmurs of the passengers that had alighted and seemingly excited to get home, faded into nothingness. Left again in the solitary of the terminal, Kaoru was looking at the tall Victorian lamp before her when something cold landed on the bridge of her nose.

It was snowing…in spring, in April.

The snow along with the pink petals of the cherry blossom trees fell steadily around her in a nature's dance that was indescribably beautiful and tranquil.

Kaoru retrieved her phone and stared at the device in her hand, addressing the challenge that had instantly presented itself. If she made the call and found herself drowned by the closeness of his voice, could she resist the urge to go back, could she surmount the great hurt that would shatter her heart? She didn't know, but decided that she would allow herself just this last time, just one more moment of him before finally walking out of his life and then into the waiting limbo.

She dialed his number and after the first ring she heard him called her name, in tone that was both relieved and beseeching. Kaoru took in shuddering breath and spoke, even as she had predicted that her voice would crack and tears would fall.

"I'm sorry and goodbye, my beloved.''

Hastily, Kaoru covered the microphone of her phone as a sob escaped her mouth and threatened her composure. She fell on an empty bench, reluctantly hanged up the phone, and clutched it to her heart- she never heard as Kenshin, on the other line, shouted then resignedly broke down and wept.

It never was
It never was
This could kill me

A/N: (Avoids the shoes thrown at her) I know, I'm sorry if I can't give you what you want. I actually had an epilogue in mind but decided against it when the recent events in my life taught me that this version was better and more meaningful. There is a truth we all have trouble accepting, and that is...

Please tell me what you think, whatever your thoughts may be. Thank you!