A/N: This is TRUE crack. Really, really, truly crack. Believe me. Really, really twisted crack. My friend Wulfeh made me write it for her, and now she's lying in a corner laughing her ass off. It's rather scary.

Don't blame me, please.

You have been warned.

Gir sat in his small, cramped room, crying lonely, metallic tears. He was lonely. So very, very lonely…

Suddenly, he felt a warm hand on his shoulder. Looking around, he saw Zim smiling at him warmly. He kneeled down next to his robotic companion.

"Gir, what's wrong?"

"I…I have no one to talk to. I'm so alone…" a tear leaked down his cheek, leaving a rusty trail.

Zim draped a green arm around the smaller alien's shoulders. "You're never alone, Gir. You have me, always beside your side." He planted a surprisingly soft kiss on the robot's cheek. "I love you, Gir."

"L-l-like friends?"

"No, Gir." Zim 's face was serious. "I LOVE you. I want you. I want you inside of me. I want you to screw me hard against the wall."

"Oh, Zim…" Gir grabbed his master, pulling their bodies together in a heated passionate kiss. Zim's hands roamed all over the robot, making him moan in desire. "OH, Zim… GOD Zim… ZIM… MASTER!!"

He reached for the Invader's pants, sticking a cold hand inside…

…and that was when Zim woke up screaming.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

He panted, terrified. "Oh God. Oh my dear God. That was the single scariest thing I have ever witnessed in my entire life. The single most twisted, wrong, sick, disgusting thing, EVER." He sighed. "Thank God it was just a dream…"

He rolled over in bed and screamed again, even louder than the last time.

"Good morning, Master!"

"GIR, WHAT THE HELL??"