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Caught in Awkward Moments

Chapter Five: Therapy in Session: Diagnosis

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Therapy. Therapy with Sasuke.

I am in therapy with Sasuke.

Please, tell me; does it possibly get any better than this?

This…is SO NOT score two for me. Oh my god. As if therapy isn't bad enough with our school psychiatrist! Therapy with Sasuke!? Is this woman insane!? Sasuke needs more than just two hours for five days a week to work out all of his damn problems! He friggin' broods! He's a brooding bastard and a helluva good one at that!!! He is exploding with dark problems and stupid arrogance, NOT rainbows, butterflies, and damn unicorns! I don't see him farting out any of that glittery crap. Hehe, glittery, sparkle farts.

But seriously, I hate that woman. I wasn't gonna pull a prank so early in the week, but screw that! She's my next target.

"What the hell are you two doing in here?"

We both look up at the door to see our friendly school psychiatrist waltzing in, one hand filled with what looks like Chinese takeout and the other with what looks like…porno mags? This is going to just be the BEST two hours of my day.

"Why else would two students be in your office, sir?" drawls Sasuke with a sarcastic overtone.

"Shut up, kid. Don't get smart with me," snorts our psychiatrist, whose name plate reads, 'Jiraiya.' He dumps his crap onto his already hazardous desk and plops into his chair, staring at the both of us. "Ah, you're that Uchiha and Uzumaki pair. The ones that sexual molested each other because neither of you could stand the raging hormones in your teenage bodies and just attacked one another in an animalistic rush of carnal lust."

I don't know what the look on Sasuke's face is like, but I think I have a pretty good idea. And imagination. It probably looks about like mine. Horrified. Appalled. About to rip this guy's damn head off.

"What the HELL!" I yell, making a disgusted face.

He waves away my yelling and Sasuke's dark glaring to say, "Yeah, whatever. I don't care whether the two of you decided to have raunchy boy sex outside in the hallways or a quickie in the bathroom. The point is, you got caught, and now you're here. In my office. Making me have to actually work."

I've never hated anyone this fast and this soon after meeting them in my life. Seriously.

I refuse to just sit here and listen to his crap! Not without a say! "Listen, you perverted old man! At least get your facts straight!! Me and this bastard," here, I point oh so helpfully at Sasuke who does his super awesome eye roll, "aren't in that kind of relationship! I hate his guts, he hates mine! That's it! He's a damn bastard that is a total bitch at the same time! We hate each other! HATE. HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATEHATEHATE! Get it right, dammit!"

Jiraiya sighs lazily, propping his cheek against the knuckles of his fist as he eyes me wearily. "Are you done yet?"

"No, I'm NOT done! HATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATE that bastard!" I'm getting a little dizzy from the lack of oxygen that I'm not taking in and instead spending to scream out the word 'hate' in one long, continuous stream. Breathe in, Naruto. Breathe in, dammit!!

Turning towards Sasuke, who has managed to stay quiet this entire time—how, I have no clue whatever—he asks, "What about you?"

"I have nothing to say," he answers coolly, leaning back in his chair. Oh, you think you're soooooo cool, Sasuke. Guess what! NEWS FLASH! You aren't! HA! Take THAT.

"I'm not really a big fan of guy on guy," Jiraiya says breezily, earning an outraged gasp from me and another dark glare from Sasuke (Are school faculty allowed to be this STUPID!?), "But it's my job, so whatever. All right, listen up, you brats. Apparently, both of you are having trouble coping with the fact that you are either: one, gay, or two, lusting after another student; another male student."

"I'm NOT gay and I'm NOT lusting after Sasuke! That's just gross! Besides, even if I were lusting after another guy, the last person I'd pick is Sasuke!" Hm, and I'm supposed to pretend to be in love with him?

A rolled up magazine hits the top of my head. "Shut up, you noisy moron. I'm not done. And you, stop glaring. Your face may get stuck that way."

This causes Sasuke only to glare harder. I think he thinks that glaring at our psychiatrist may make him explode or something. …I hope it works.

"Now, as I was saying, first thing's first. The two of you need to… ehhh, the book says talk out your problems. But that sounds about as fun as poking yourself in the eye with a needle continuously. So, instead…" He looks around his room, muttering to himself. Great, what great trick is he going to pull out of his damn hat this time around? "Alright, I can't find anything. So, while I eat my lunch, the two of you can just tell me what your problems are, starting with you, blondie."

Are your laser beam eyes BROKEN or something, Sasuke? 'Cause they would be really appreciated right now, you stupid bastard!

Ugh. Fine.

With a defeated sigh, I begin, arms crossed, "My problem is that crazy granny thinking that I need to go to therapy with that jerk, you thinking that me and Sasuke are secretly harboring crushes on each other and pining for each other when we're NOT, and Sasuke being a total bitch and his usual bastardy self. Happy? I did my part."

His eyes turn accordingly to Sasuke who stares at him in an 'are-you-fucking-serious?' sort of way. The slurp of his noodles make it known to Sasuke that yes, this crazy, white haired, perverted old crackpot is completely serious.

"I said I don't have a problem. If I did, it would be the complete and utter waste of time spent here in your room over a problem that doesn't exist," he finally answers acidly.

Jiraiya chews thoughtfully for a few minutes before pointing his chopsticks at me, which still have bits of fried vegetables on them, "You, are ignorant," and turns those chopsticks to Sasuke, jabbing them once and spraying the leftover bits everywhere, "And you, are in denial."

I think Sasuke has never been more offended in his life if the twitching eyebrows are any indication. Hell, no one says that Uchiha fucking Sasuke has a problem. No one.

"Excuse me?" he all but sneers, eyes narrowed to slits.

"You heard me," shrugs Jiraiya, returning to his meal. "But if you wanna hear it again, be my guest. You're in denial. You are in the act of denying. Denial: a noun meaning the refusal to recognize or acknowledge. Care to hear it some more so that it'll go through your thick skull?"

Sasuke is pissed as hell. Heh heh, I haven't seen him this mad since… well, since I shoved mud down his pants when we were in sixth grade. That was awesome, by the way. I almost lost an arm and my ass for it, but it was fucking awesome. He looked like he had crapped his pants! Hahaha, one of my most favorite memories man. Hm, maybe that was why he started being a bitch to me? Whatever.

"Now that I've made my diagnosis, we can move on to the problems; which look to be your raging teenager hormones."

"For the last time, I'm not gay!" I yell, just a little bit too loud. I think the bird outside the window heard me too judging by the way it's just staring at me with its little beady, birdie eyes. ……Stop staring at me! I'm getting self-conscious! Stupid bird.

Jiraiya snorts at me, like the good psychiatrist he ISN'T!, and says easily, "Of course you're not. You just enjoy attacking other male students to the ground in order to satisfy your own sexual drive."

How can he twist everything into making ME the pervert!? That's so not fair!

Sasuke finally, FINALLY, speaks up, adding to our conversation a very boring and fairly tame, "This is a ridiculous waste of time."

"It's a ridiculous waste of my research time too, so shut up," snaps Jiraiya, crossly. "Like I was trying to say, the roots of your problems lie with each other. I still think that neither of you know how to cope with being gay for each other, but whatever. We'll just pretend that you guys aren't for now. All right, why the hell did you guys get sent here? What could you have possibly done to get sent here?"

I huff a little in response before grinning just a little deviously. Neither of them will mind if I exaggerate a little, right? Just to have some fun? "Well, it started like this. I was just sitting on the floor, waiting to learn like the innocent little school boy that I am, when Sasuke suddenly attacked me! He just grabbed my hand and forced us to kiss! It was just so awful, and I never felt so violated!! It was just… I couldn't…" I break out into fake sobs. "And then when his fan club started to attack me for something that I didn't even want, he didn't do anythinnnnng!" I wail, quite girlishly if I do say so myself.

Obsidian eyes stare at me with irritation while Jiraiya just chews on his noodles. Oo–kay, so maybe that was going a bit overboard?

I'm offended, again, when he turns to Sasuke and asks plainly, giving the duck butt a pretty view of mashed up noodles, "What the hell happened?"

"Nothing. The situation was just misunderstood and blown out of proportions," he repeats like the honor student he is. Jerk. At least make it somewhat fun. It's no fun if I'm the only one exaggerating my ass off here!

It kind of looks like he's doodling on some papers while eating. I bet he's not even listening! Some psychiatrist! Hmph!

"What was misunderstood and blown out of proportions, then?" he asks lazily, slurping up more noodles. Damn, that's reminding me of ramen. Oh sweet ramen, when, oh when will I be able to catch a whiff of your sweet scent and taste your deliciousness? ……Oh right, after this stupid therapy session is over. Which still has a lot of time left to go. Dammit. Why two hours? Why not one? It's not like we're homicidal children trying to tear each other a new arsehole or weird, creepy children having tea parties with our stuffed animals and talking with them in hushed voices about taking over the world. Well, I'M not, at least. Can never be too sure about Sasuke, though.

Sasuke sighs a little under his breath, the way he does when he's annoyed of having to talk more than necessary. "An inane situation."

Now he's going to answer with as little words as possible, making his answers short as possible, like always. Pft. Some things never change. Not that I care enough to notice! I'm just err… I have nothing better to do than observe! Yeah, that's right. It's not as if I actually remember all the little details about Sasuke when we were younger or anything crazy like that! Ha, the great Uzumaki Naruto-sama has better things to do! Like–Like…eat ramen! Or sleep! Or eat more ramen!

"Which would be?" doodles Jiraiya with an underlying smirk while I'm busy trying to think up of other better things that I have to do.

"An exaggerated incident."

"That is?"

"Hyperbolized accident."

"Explain."

"No."

"It's too bad I wasn't asking."

Obsidian eyes stare down our psychiatrist who only chomps on more food and finishes drawing his toad. Ladies and gentlemen, come one, come all! Witness THE Uchiha Sasuke lose a staring contest to a perverted school psychiatrist! That's right, THE Uchiha Sasuke, evil eye-extraordinaire!

"There was an accidental……kiss between Naruto and myself when I was helping him back up after he fell onto the floor," Sasuke spits out, looking entirely murderously and disgusted rolled into one. See, Sasuke? That wasn't so damn hard, you duck butt!

The pen clatters on top of the desk as he stares at the two of us. What? Did I grow another head or sprout another eyeball on the top of my forehead like from that guy from that anime, Dragonball Z? That guy was cool, by the way. With his triangle attacks and shit. And that green dude, Piccolo! He was pretty sweet too. Although in the end, I guess Goku and Vegeta were cooler. And Goku's son, Gohan. They could go all Super Saiyan and have crazy standing blond hair and powers of destructive awesomeness! Ah, those were the good days.

"–wrong with this kid? He deaf or something? Hey, blondie!" A rolled up magazine smacks the top of my head. Again.

"Ow! Hey, what was that for!?"

"Spacing off," scowls Jiraiya. "I hate it when kids don't listen or pay attention 'cause I'm not in the mood to repeat myself."

I pout just a little because hey, I've been hit in the head twice with what I think is a porno mag. I think I'm entitled to pout a little. "Well, sor–ry for having better things to do than listen to you go on and on about that stupid diagnosis of yours."

That gets me the rolled up magazine to the head again. Hm, beautiful.

"I can't believe that all the two of you do is kiss accidentally and that lands you here," he mutters irritably, with another snort. "At least have some backbone and go at it if you're going to do something like that. Although I still think it would work a lot better with two girls. Tch, too bad all the hormonally raging teens are boys."

"Well excuse me for being a healthy, growing boy! Hmph!" I turn my nose up at him and he whacks me for a fourth time! Isn't hitting a child in school illegal now!? I should ask; he is a child psychiatrist.

"Don't be stupid," he remarks with a small huff of his own.

Sasuke just does his special eye roll, saying for all of us to hear, "You both are stupid."

"Respect your elders, boy!" barks Jiraiya, almost smacking him in the head as well. Sasuke ducks his head just in time to dodge the dangerous roll of paper. Darn. It would have been really funny to see, too.

"Now, moving on since we've established what got you sent here. So, the two of you got history together or what?" He's now scribbling crap down.

Fuck, just right where it hurts.

The mood grows just a bit tenser and a million times more murderous as both of us sink into our chairs and glare. History? Pft, yeah, sure. We've got history. A shitload of it. So much, it's pouring out of our eyes and ears and just crap.

"Yeah, we've got a shitload of history, as you so like to call it," I declare with a sour taste of bitterness left in my mouth. ………………Or that could just be the milk from earlier. I thought it smelled kind of expired-y. Oh well. As long as I don't get a stomachache and have severe, explosive diarrhea later.

A white eyebrow rises as he leans back in his own chair, "Oh? Enlighten me. Both of you."

"He," I jab my thumb in Sasuke's direction and he has the nerves to look offended, "used to be my best friend."

"…That's it?"

"Well, I sure as hell am not saying anymore," I huff, sticking my tongue out at him.

Our psychiatrist's eyes slide over to the clock hanging on the wall behind us and he mourns a little upon seeing that only forty-two minutes have passed. Yeah, I've been keeping watch on that clock too. As if time couldn't crawl any slower, dammit! This is even worse than having to wait those three minutes after pouring the hot water into the ramen cup! Yes, I went there because it's THAT BAD.

He turns back to Sasuke who looks away, brooding as usual.

"Let me guess: I have nothing to say," mimics Jiraiya with a disgusted snort. He tosses his empty carton of Chinese into the trashcan and says, "Okay, if neither of you talk, I'm gonna extend the hours of our little sessions here. And trust me, I can and will."

Psh, like I'm really going to fall for that one. Especially when he's the one complaining about us actually having a problem and making him work. He wouldn't wanna drag this out any longer than he needs to.

"We used to be friends. What more do you need to know?" questions Sasuke humorlessly, fingers tapping against his thigh. On anyone else, it would have been a habit or a sign of impatience. On Sasuke though, it's a highly revealing twitch. One that I thought he had conquered back when we were twelve. Hm, guess I was wrong. Blargh, not that I care or anything! Because I totally don't! It's just hard not to remember things like that…uh, yeah. Yeah.

"There's usually more to a history than one line."

"All that happened was that we used to be friends and then Sasuke hit puberty and everything went downhill from there," I reiterate, sulking just a little. "He turned into a total jerk face prick who decided that I wasn't worth his precious time," I add, just for good measure.

Sasuke's eyes harden as he bites back, "That's not true and you know it, dobe."

"Stop calling me that! What gives you the right to call me that after all those damn years!? We're not friends anymore, Sasuke!" I yell, suddenly bordering on hysterics and completely forgetting about the stupid perverted old psychiatrist in the room. There's a tick in my eye and I'm expecting Sasuke to go all arrogant and smug any second now…

"What is this? One of those cheesy romance movie and story where the two of you are best friends but suddenly break off the friendship because one of you is in love with the other but too afraid of rejection and losing the other to tell him so you end up fighting with one another until you both realize that you're in love with each other and then have to get past the hardships of coming to grips with being gay and announcing it to the student population which only brings more fighting?"

…but psychiatrist Jiraiya ruins it with his beautiful, one line synopsis of a typical teen chick flick. (Seriously though, he nailed it. Which makes me suspicious…does he just watch a whole bunch of teen chick flicks in order to get into our heads and call himself a school psychiatrist?)

"What!? No!! What's wrong with you?! How many times do I have to repeat the fact that I. Am. Not. Gay!?" I shout, hands slammed against his desk. Is there just something about me that screams "GAY!!" or something, that I don't know about!?

He just grins, "Looks like the movie's already started."

"What kind of child psychiatrist are you!?"

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A/N: Writing Jiraiya was a lot harder than I originally thought o__o; He turned out far more OOC than I would have liked but, meh. It's been a long time. Anyways, woot! Update in two weeks—I'm so proud. Let's just hope I can keep this up, shall we? XD I aim to try and get in an update at least once every two weeks.

To reviews I couldn't reply to for there was no button XD:

Jessica Lindsey: Thank you ^^ I hope this was a soon enough update this time around compared to my 9 month absence HA xD

Anonymous: Waah, thanks! I'm really happy you feel like they're in character :D That was one of my main concerns haha XD And thanks for the advice/heads up! I'll keep that in mind. I guess I got a little carried away, hehe. And nah, I have absolutely no plans to switch to Sasuke's point of view. In my opinion, it'd be very boring to write for this sort of humor :D

Secret of the Black Fox: Yay, someone who doesn't think I fail at humor :D Thank you!

Foenix in Ashes: Not to be unfair, but your review made me just laugh and feel double happy! Hehe, I am actually enjoying the story and of course, torturing Naruto—it's a fun pastime :D I only wish I had that much time, then I could update more often. And waaah, I'm so happy you found it humorous! I'm not a very humor writing person so that worried me a lot, but yay for peeing in your pants, well for me at least XD And don't worry! My mental state is just fine…I think :D Your review totally made my day so I'm glad I could return the favor! Thank YOU for putting in the effort to leave me a wonderfully long and awesome review and I'll try not to let this story collect dust again! Thanks!! ^^

Thank you to everyone who reviewed even after my crazy long absence! You guys are just too friggin' awesome and thank you thank you! Thanks to everyone who added this story onto their alerts/favorites lists as well!