Confessions of a Goddess of Death

Full Summary: After finding that Light has fallen in love with L, Misa fixes it so that Light will never become Kira again. But one should not interfere with what has been fated. Years later, Misa pays a terrible price for her protection of Light and L's love, and leaves behind a written record so that someone, somewhere, will know the truth.

Notes: I love writing mPreg. I love L. I want there to be a happy ending for him and Light. And I wanted to tell a story that portrayed Misa in an unusual light. I thought that it would be better to portray her in a far more intense light than a plain old bashing would be. I'm intensely against bashing. I LOATHE BASHING.

I'm only going to continue this fanfic if you like it. If you /do/ like it, then review saying you do.

2022 – October 31st

Late evening

Because we are amorphous, we hold that in reverence. – Bleach, chapter 1

"It will be alright, thank you for coming to visit me." Misa said quietly. "I would have been stuck grading papers all night if you two hadn't dropped by!"

Years and years had passed since the nightmare known as Kira faded into the darkness. Misa had broken free of her modeling career, having found a calling that she preferred far better.

Teaching Journalism at the local highschool was a challenge, Misa had been in the news, not reporting it. But she'd chosen the subject because of everything she'd seen during the Kira case.

She was the only one who still knew the truth, that Light Yagami was Kira. Even Light didn't remember. Who better than she to teach children how to think for themselves, when she hadn't done so until it was almost too late? Who better than to show children how to chronicle their world, than a woman who had nearly brought that world to her knees?

"We wouldn't forget about you Misa, besides, you can't spend all your time working." Light said with a smile as he and Ryuuzaki turned to leave for the evening.

"Thank you for having us over on such short notice." Ryuuzaki said with as close to a smile as the doleful man ever got.

They had all been kind, despite her resolution, her taking up what she considered to be an important burden, shaping children to think towards the future. Despite Misa trying so hard to atone for her days as the second Kira, a shinigami is never to interfere with what has been fated.

Misa had paid a horrible price for the protection she gave Light and Ryuuzaki 'L' Lawliet. Instead of golden ripples, Misa's hair was short, permanently. A matter of just over a year before, ovarian cancer had very nearly taken her life. She was painfully thin, and there was a sense of despair, of mourning, but also of steel, in the way she held herself. She knew she was on borrowed time. Even if Light tried to be consoling, even if Ryuuzaki tried to encourage her, Misa knew that she'd been on borrowed time ever since Gelus had saved her life. She knew that that time was almost up.

"Keep fighting Misa, please?" Was Light's parting word. "It will all be alright. You don't have to stand alone."

She was alone, however much Light wanted to say she wasn't. And she had a job to do.

Rem swept in through the wall to visit, backwinging to a stop, as she always did at night. Misa played with the tiny ornament on her worktop. It was a peace crane, made from the slip of the Deathnote that Rem had used to contact her, the day that everything turned on a hinge, the day that Misa protected Light and L and ended the Kira case once and for all.

It was her treasure, it was her symbol. It was a reminder of everything she had suffered and everything she had dedicated herself too.

"Misa, I heard that Light and L had been here." Rem said evenly.

"Yeah, they went home. I'll tell them you said hi though." Misa said with a smile. "Come here, I want to show you something."

Misa opened a pale blue college notebook. She'd chosen it for its resemblance to the deathnote she knew so well. On the inside cover she'd had a picture from soon after Higuchi had been captured. Light was trying to get Ryuuzaki to smile, Matsuda had a cheesy grin on his face. Light's father was trying to take one of those polite expressions one did when they took pictures. Rem was crouched next to her. Aizawa and Mogi looked impatient. Watari stood behind Ryuuzaki and next to Light's father Soichiro. Near and Mello were crouched next to Misa. Near looked as indifferent as always, and Mello had a chocolate bar hanging out of his mouth, a look of suspicious resentment on his face.

Light looked rather unusual in that picture. For starters he wasn't wearing his usual prim trousers and oxford shirt. He was wearing a zip up pullover and loose jeans. Misa knew why, her face curling in a smile. "The twins are almost in highschool Rem, do you think they'll be in my class? Light wanted to send them there. And Leigh is just entering middleschool.

The use of the Deathnote had changed Light's anatomy, after all, shinigami and humans had different energy wavelengths, its this difference in energy that allows shinigami to pass their eyesight to humans. But occasionally, in cases as extreme as Light's, other forms of transformation occurred.

Bottom line, Light and Ryuuzaki had four children. Liam and Lyra were twins, Leigh was just a little younger, and Lucas was just turning ten, conceived just after the case had concluded in 2012, in fact, Lucas's birthday was tomorrow. Misa had a present picked out for him. An antique Go set, so that the little strategist (Lucas insisted that he wanted to go pro,) didn't have to use a plastic playmat and large quarter sized stones.

"You have done a good job watching over them all this time. I doubt any shinigami could have done better."

All four Yagami children had befriended one of the shinigami that they'd met over the course of the case. Ryuk enjoyed teasing Lyra, who alternated between being annoyed with him and joking with him. The girl always made sure that Ryuk had plenty of apples, even finding apple flavored foods for him to try. Mirai was probably the only one to consistently coax a smile out of Liam, and despite her somewhat ditsy and carefree personality she could talk technology well enough that really only Liam or his parents could understand what they were talking about. Hisui stood guard over Leigh, her fierce appearance meshing with the headstrong girl's temper. And Lucas's fondness for strategy games had earned him a firm friendship with Ryuk's friend Zelogi.

The foursome had not, EVER given up their deathnotes to any of the children. And Light and Ryuuzaki never said much about the nightmare known simply as "The Kira Years."

Misa turned on the radio near her desk, the music all tinny since the clock radio was so old. It was far different from her desk when she was the second Kira. THAT desk had been littered with makeup, jewelery, fashion magazines, and yes, antique or fancy writing implements. She still had some of those, and it was one of these she picked up.

In the dark we're the same
In the concept of time
We're like a grain in the sand
And we sprout from the flame
As if death was a rain
'Cause we can not understand

"Rem, I'm writing the whole story, all of it, in this book. I want you to take it, count five decades after Light and Ryuuzaki die, 50 years. So that they never find out what truly happened, then the way Ryuk did Sidoh's notebook, drop it in the world of the living. Someone, somewhere, needs to know. Someone, somewhere, needs to remember the truth, long after the three of us are gone, something, somewhere, must prove that we've existed."

How I wish there was a heaven
All for one and one for all
A flawless soul society
Our lives are just a fragment
Of the universe and more
There may be more than we can see

"Misa……" Rem said quietly. "You're going to be alright, you beat it months ago. Remember? You won't be ill anymore."

"Don't lie to me Rem….. you always did so so well. I know that I was living on borrowed time in the first place. You don't need to say anything, just be here. And someone, it doesn't matter when, someone must know the whole story. DON'T tell Light and L, please? They're happier not knowing."

How I could I be condemned
For the things that I've done
If my intentions were good
I guess I'll never know
Some things under the sun
Can never be understood

"Alright." Rem said quietly. "I will do this for you."

Misa turned around, the chair toppling over, and she threw her arms around Rem. "Thank you!"

It was kind of sad, or pathetic, or maybe just plain strange. Rem was, for Misa, mother and sister and best friend all at once.

"If your time is borrowed, then you have a story to tell." Rem reminded her, and there was affection in her voice. Misa has grown, I would never in a million lifetimes have thought this was the road she'd take.

"Right……" Misa sat at the table, adjusted her shoulders, picked up one of her ornamental pens, and began to write.

My name is Misa Amane, it has been many years now since the end of the reign of the monster known as Kira. It was widely believed that there was a mastermind behind it, a single person spreading his influence over two continents and with five individual Deathnotes under his sway.

What is not widely known is the whole story. The story that began with the man known as Light Yagami, the detective who pulled him from the darkness, Ryuuzaki Lawliet, and me.

I was the second Kira, I was the one who ended it once and for all, turning the case in a direction that no one would have seen coming. It was the love I had for Light, and the will to protect him and others that I cared about, that slew the demon known as Kira. Yet despite laying such a beast low, I have paid a horrible price for my sins before destroying utterly the monster who brought the world to its knees.

My name is Misa Amane, these are the last confessions of a goddess of death.

Years before……

Light had a matter of hours before he would go into confinement. He hadn't eaten, he had simply stayed quiet, putting on his act of the concerned, slightly freaked out youth.

L seemed to be buying it so far. "Well then, Light, we have a few hours to prepare. You'll come with me if you please." L had Light in handcuffs and turned him around, steering him out the door to the floor beneath them.

Light figured he was probably going to be given one last meal, one quick shower, and a few hours rest before he was put in the cell at sundown.

And being steered towards the broom closet instead had him raising an eyebrow. "Ryuuzaki where are we…… HEY!!" The light got clicked on, the door locked.

"Light….." Ryuuzaki said quietly, "I don't know what to make of you. You are brilliant, selfish, slightly egotistical, and probably the only person I've met who's as smart as I am."

Light blinked in surprise.

"And it hurts me to say this now, because it has always been…… intelligence that has attracted me more than anything." Ryuuzaki did loosen the cuffs. "And you are very…… intelligent."

But it wasn't for the reason Light thought he was. Ryuuzaki's lips met his, Light blinked in surprise, flushing at the kiss. Before he knew what he was doing, he kissed back, tentatively returning the gesture. Ryuuzaki's hands roamed over his frame, and Light would have done the same if his hands weren't cuffed. He was able to arch his body into the other's, nuzzling Ryuuzaki's neck, still somewhat stunned at this sudden action.

When the kiss broke, Light flushed in embarrassment. "I…… I don't understand I……" What's wrong with me?? He's the enemy. Why am I…… oh but this feels good.

Ryuuzaki chuckled. "What does it look like…… Raito-kun. I really don't like having to lock you up. You grew on me." Ryuuzaki's hands were wandering over his body, and Light was blushing furiously.

Uhuh. Light was more interested in the detective's hands on his body. Those hands moving delicately over his back and chest seemed to know exactly the right way to touch him to make him feel so good the way he was, and his mind wasn't exactly focused on much else besides that. He went hard very quickly, groaning and submitting utterly to the touch.

Then Ryuuzaki reached for Light's belt. Light froze, and Ryuuzaki paused. "Light?"

"eehh…… if we're going to be…… doing this. Wouldn't a bed be better than a closet?" Light blushed. "I er…… haven't…… ah……"

Ryuuzaki smirked. "Of course, don't try to escape however."

"Like I'd try to escape /this/ turned on?" Light was still blushing as he followed Ryuuzaki towards one of the rooms.

Ryuuzaki snorted, "here……" he locked the door before a cuffed Light could fumble for it.

"Uuuuuh, how am I supposed to get undressed cuffed?" Light was very amused by this. He knew that he would not be in a position to kill Ryuuzaki for a long time, he was actually having fun. And he was going to get laid in the process. Which would ensure that he definitely would get close to Ryuuzaki. If this could be a routine thing, he might be able to get close enough to……

Ryuuzaki snickered, unlocking one cuff for Light to undo his shirt, then repeated the process with the other hand. "Not very trusting are you? Or are the cuffs a fetish of yours?" Light joked.

"though you claim that you will not run otherwise…… engaged……" There was an appreciative look in the detective's eyes. "Its best to take precautions……"

Precautions? "I knew it, you have a fetish for handcuffs." The two circled each other, now naked and both taking in each other's bodies.

Light looked the detective over, leggy yes, skinny as a rake, yes. But it was clear that he had muscle, and there was something subtly attractive about him. And he was hung, very well hung.

Ryuuzaki eyed Light, highly intelligent, lean and muscled. Immaculately groomed, attractive. He wanted to touch, kiss and ravage every inch he could see. Light was pretty well endowed himself, not only was he cute, he was easy to get a rise out of, and adorable when he reacted.

Suddenly the two rushed each other, not out of aggression, but out of sheer sexual lust. Light's motions were still tentative, but just as fervent and bordering on demanding.

The tangle fell into the bed, the two men rolling end over end in a tussle for position. Light wasn't planning on winning right then. He was still a virgin, genius he might be, but he didn't know the finer points of sex. After all, wasn't the inexperienced one supposed to bottom? Or something like that?

And right then he just wanted to get laid.

There was complimentary scented lotion in the drawer by the bed. Light ended up on his back on the bed, sienna eyes glazed with lust. Light Kira was not only lusting for his would be capturer, he was hungry for him. It was as if an animal was clawing to get out inside him.

Ryuuzaki pulled back, eyes ravaging over Light's body. The young killer was hot, covered with sweat, fevered with passion. Ryuuzaki slicked his fingers with lotion. "Hold still, relax your lower body."

A slick digit slipped inside him, Light groaned, spreading his legs wider. Ryuuzaki slipped a second finger inside, grabbing a leg for purchase. Light's breath hitched, head back, face flushed. Ryuuzaki scissored his fingers steadily, slickening, stretching, and then clever fingers found that one, sweet spot and Light yowled in pleasure. He almost came right then and there, "Ryuuzaki……" Light panted.

Ryuuzaki leaned in, pulling Light into an absolutely mind shattering kiss. In the same moment he slid inside, penetrating Light before the other could register the thrust. Light cried out, panting hard as his mind slowly caught up to the present.

Ho man, Light felt like he'd been split in half. The pain slowly faded, and he wriggled a little, adjusting to the other's fit.

Ryuuzaki had to try very hard not to pound into Light right then and there. He wanted Light to enjoy this, the other was so tight! It was maddening.

"Alright…… go on……" Light husked. Eyes raking the detective over.

Eyes dull black with lust, Ryuuzaki nodded, pulling partway out, then pushing back in.

Light hauled the detective down onto him, legs spread to allow him deeper access. Ryuuzaki only paused a moment, realizing that Light wanted body contact. The detective rolled his hips, escalating his thrusts. Light clung to him, needing him to hit that……

Ryuuzaki hit his prostate and Light gasped, eyes shooting wide open. He started thrusting back, arching to meet Ryuuzaki's thrusts. Each one hit that point inside of him. Groaning, growling, Light urged him, harder, faster……

Something inside him bruised, tore maybe, just as he came, hard. Light screamed in pleasure. Shuddering violently, his grip on Ryuuzaki tightening.

Ryuuzaki continued thrusting until he came a moment later, rolling his hips against Light's to help him ride out his orgasm. Ryuuzaki kissed Light, lazy, tired, his energy spent.

Of course, by then I was already in confinement. I felt like an ancient slave being crucified by the Romans. I really don't remember much about it. Even after I got my memories back. I guess its one of those things you block out you know?

I do remember Rem standing with me, staying by my side even though I was terrified out of my wits. I remembered, when she first explained the Deathnote to me, that Rem said she could take my life at any time, and that Ryuk could do the same to Light. She also said that I meant more to her than that. She promised me she'd protect me and stay with me.

I wanted to die, right then, really I did. Rem refused, outright, even though I pleaded with her to kill me. After hours and hours, she convinced me to give up ownership. I felt her hand caress my cheek, like a mother would an injured and frightened child. The last thing I remembered before my memories went to hell was Rem's reassurance that she would return for me, and the promise that even if I didn't remember her or the Deathnote, my feelings for Light would remain.

If they hadn't, I wouldn't have cared about what came next.

Light thought about it the whole way to the place where he'd be confined. Why?

He'd been bleeding, it seemed like a lot. Ryuuzaki had been concerned, helping Light clean up. Ryuuzaki waited outside the shower, then checked to make sure that no serious damage had been done.

Ryuuzaki then gave Light a simple black sweatsuit to wear in the cell, comfortable at least.

Why? Light wondered as he approached the point where he would have to give up ownership to Ryuk.

Why did I do that? I'm not gay, am I? And why with L? L for crying out loud! He's the enemy, sleeping with him should not feel that good. I shouldn't even have gotten involved with him. If this plan doesn't work he's going to catch me and have me killed. Light Kira seethed like a bubbling pit of lava.

It repeated over and over again in his head like a broken record.

By the time he'd reached the cell, Light Kira had come to several conclusions.

1. He was attracted to Ryuuzaki.

2. Sex with Ryuuzaki felt good.

3. Ryuuzaki was the enemy, and was going to kill him.

4. Even if he decided he wanted a committed relationship, because of fact number 3 he would be never be able to make it work for long.

5. Because of facts 3 and 4, by logic no matter what happened he would still need to kill Ryuuzaki. Because not doing so meant almost certainly that he would die and Misa would die.

And to add to all of that, he still wasn't sure whether or not he was gay. He had felt incredible, his first sexual experience in his entire life felt absolutely incredible, and the man who made him feel that way had to die if he was going to live.

Maybe, someday, he would find someone he liked, male or female, and it wouldn't matter. The person he loved the most would be gone.

Then the yell…… "GET RID OF IT!!"

Light Kira was gone, put to sleep, buried for what might be months, definitely closer to a year.

Light Yagami the boy was rapidly becoming Light Yagami the man. A man who still wondered, 'why?'

Light Yagami the man dreamed of things that Light Kira had not yet conceived of, things that only Light Yagami the man would wish for, a happy life, a loving relationship, warmth and comfort.

Light Kira had thought of a grand and chaotic scheme, a madman's bid of an ideal world. Light Yagami the man was tired, but he wanted a future for himself. And beneath him Light Yagami the boy still cowered.

Light Yagami the boy was in love with Ryuuzaki, in a way that he never thought he could love anyone. Light Yagami the boy had accidentally let Light Kira out of his dark cage when he picked up the Deathnote. Light Yagami the boy was terrified of the damage that he had wrought. Light Yagami the boy was curled in a corner of Light's mind, terrified, and wanted Ryuuzaki to tell him that everything was going to be alright.

Light Yagami the boy wanted Ryuuzaki to make Light Kira go away. Ryuuzaki would protect him wouldn't he?

This madness circled around and around in Light's head when he slept in the tiny cell. When Light was awake, he only had time to think. When Ryuuzaki opened up the pager, talking to him over the speaker, Light hung on to even those basic exchanges.

And the memory of that first time gave him comfort, sleeping or awake.

And then one day, while Light was sleeping, Light Yagami the boy vanished.

Well, not truly. Light Yagami the boy had hidden himself somewhere, Light Kira might appear again after all!

Light Yagami the man was slowly woken from sleep, by a feeling of intense nausea.

Light woke up, groggy and with his head pounding like he'd gotten a hangover. The toilet was, thankfully, a few steps away. He threw up violently, and when that was over he stayed bent over, shaking visibly.

"Light……" It was Ryuuzaki, concern in his voice. "Are you alright?"

"Do I look…." Uuurg "Alright?" Light stood, moving to the sink to rinse out his mouth and wash his face. "I have no idea what just happened, but my head is splitting."

"I'll bring you some pain medicine." Ryuuzaki promised. "And something for the nausea."

"Thanks." Light made it back to the bed and curled up in a ball under the blanket.

Light Yagami the child was happy! Even if Light was sick, Light Yagami the child was happy. He was warm and comfy. Maybe because Light was sick, Ryuuzaki would come to get him now!

Light Yagami the boy might have quite a time to wait. Light got sick again four days later, then two after that, then three more, and once more. He had headaches almost every day. Ryuuzaki became concerned, Light didn't have a fever, Watari checked the third day when Light's headaches hadn't abated.

It was probably the headaches and nausea, but Light's strength was being sapped by the day. He slept for long hours. Close to twelve out of the 24. Ryuuzaki had brought a thicker pillow and a warmer blanket. There were only so many things that could fairly be given a prisoner. But Light shouldn't have to suffer if he was sick. He needed care.

"Yagami-san." Ryuuzaki called Light's father in his cell. "I need to speak with you about Light. Do any genetic diseases run in your family?"

"Some of our elderly have gone senile. Light is too young for that, what has happened?"

"No fever, but severe headaches and intense nausea. His symptoms have not responded to either over the counter pain medication or over the counter antacids. And as many over the counter painkillers are acidic, they may exacerbate the nausea. I am beginning to become concerned."

"Is there anything, anything at all that you can do for him?" Soichiro asked.

Ryuuzaki paused for a moment. "If Light can hold on for three more days, I will have something ready. I have not been idle while you, he and Miss Amane have been confined. I will come to you later this evening with a plan to remove Light and Amane-san from confinement. You must follow it exactly."

"Fair enough." Soichiro grumbled.

Present Day

The car ride to the beach for Lucas' birthday was absolute torture. Lyra and Liam were riding with Sayu, Mello and Misa.

Which left Leigh and Lucas on the verge of a catfight in the back, Near stuck between them, Ryuuzaki fighting to keep back laughter, and Light at his wits end.

"Don't make me come back there!" Light growled.

"She started it! She spilled my magnetic go set all over!" Lucas whined. "Now I'll never get to finish my game with Near-kun! S'all your fault! I take the damn test in three weeks, I NEED TO PRACTICE!"

"If they wouldn't hurt my stomach I'd take the goddamn stone and eat it!!" Leigh hissed. "Your board and your stupid book are getting in the way of my diary. AND YOU'RE CLOSE ENOUGH TO READ IT TOO!"

"Okay, THAT'S IT!" Light reached around to try and yank the two apart.

Near sighed, then calmly pushed the two children apart so that Light didn't cause an accident trying to break up the fight. "Your father is going to get an ulcer the way you two fight."

"Naaaw, he'll get a……."

Leigh pushed a neat little remote she'd had Liam rig for her. A remote that controlled the car radio. Up, up, up went the volume. "Play artist, Sambomaster." Sync 3.1 made fights over the radio into colorful and inventive shouting matches.

"playing song, Hikari no rock." The computer responded dutifully.

Ima made nakushita mono to
Kore kara kimi ga miru mono
Subete torikaeta naraba
Kawareru no kana
Kawareru no kana

Ima made kimi ga naita koto
Hanikanda kotoba de hanashite yo
Makkuro na kokoro no yami o nuguisatteku
Itsuka no boku wa sutetai no anata no koto dakishimetetai no
Yokubou wa kono joumyaku o nagaredashite iku

Ryuuzaki responded to this simply by telling Sync 3.1. "Disable radio."

"Radio disabled."

"Awwww, come on tousaaaan!"

"Here Lucas, I remember where we were." Near calmly began to place the magnetic go stones exactly where they'd been left."

"NO! Damnit your goddamn game doesn't leave me any room to write or privacy so nobody sees the………"

"…… pointless keening you call poetry?" Lucas flicked a go stone across the car and hit Leigh between the eyes.

"OW! Why you……"

Near once more held the two apart.

"Are we there yet?" The white haired man asked petulantly.

The past

"Are we there yet?" Misa whined for the umpteenth time. "You know Yagami-san you scare me and Light like that and forget Kira, we'll pass out on the spot from fright!!"

"I'm sorry you two."

"Sorry isn't good enough!" Misa whined. "If you weren't Light's father I'd be screaming by now!"

"You're not screaming right now?" Light asked.

"No, this is whining, screaming breaks eardrums." Misa growled.

And she whined a majority of the way to the tower. It took a while, but Ryuuzaki had one more surprise. Click.

Handcuffs.

Light was right, he /does/ have a fetish for handcuffs!

Light had to wait an eternity until the clock hit nine and everyone but him, Ryuuzaki, Misa and Watari were gone. He had to wait the same eternity for Ryuuzaki to head for the personal suite they were to inhabit.

"Finally." Light growled.

"What?" Ryuuzaki asked, blinking in surprise.

Light yanked Ryuuzaki down onto the bed next to him. Handcuffs are especially useful for pulling people. "You know what…… before I went into confinement, what was that?"

Ryuuzaki blinked. "Aaaaah, I believe the technical term is sexual fornication, ensuing when……"

Light's face twitched irritably. "Not what I meant. WHY." He insisted. "What was your intent?"

Ryuuzaki regarded him quietly. "I have never been very……" He sighed. "Good at expressing my feelings. I have been told that I have every finesse with tactical maneuvering and none with my fellow humans."

Light waited expectantly, eying the detective carefully.

Ryuuzaki's eyes connected with his. "I have feelings for you, I am attracted to you. I don't think I've ever found someone I've been drawn to more." There was another pause. "I don't want you to take offense if I seem insensitive at a later date. I am also…… distressed that I must keep you in cuffs, even more so that the man that is…… so compatible with me, must be suspected of being Kira, though Logic indicates he most likely is."

"Is that why you….. held back until you put me in?" Light asked quietly.

"Yes, I did not wish to get involved with a person I knew I might have to capture and order to be executed." Ryuuzaki told him.

Light scooched over a little, tentatively leaning on the other. "Do you….. do you want this to continue or is it just a one time thing……?"

Ryuuzaki knew exactly what Light was getting at, and had no idea what he should say to it. "If you wish it to continue, then I am more than happy to. If you are not interested, then I will not force you."

Light grinned, toothily, and threw his arms around Ryuuzaki. The other man blinked in surprise. Light hauled the other around into a needy kiss, "I want it to continue." Light purred, and suddenly he'd all but crawled in the older man's lap.

Ryuuzaki fell over onto his back, dark eyes huge. The look on Light's face was one of almost childish glee, and suddenly he was being kissed, /really/ kissed. Light simply flattened himself on top of him, snuggling into his chest. Ryuuzaki suddenly started to wonder if Light was alright, or maybe the confinement had made him go just a little crazy.

He flipped the two of them over, straddling Light, hands playing over his chest and sides. Light twisted his ankles around Ryuuzaki's and reached for his fly. He was still wearing those infuriating jeans!

"You want to do this your first night here?" Ryuuzaki chuckled.

"Why shouldn't I?" Light demanded. "Why, that's all I thought when I went in. Why did I do that? Why did I respond to you like I did? The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I liked it. You filled something in me that I hadn't known was empty, and I don't want that to ever go away."

Ryuuzaki eyed the youth suspiciously, but Light did sound like somebody in love, or who at the very least wanted sex for the fact that it was sex. He leaned down to kiss the other….. "You are beautiful…." He said huskily. Oh yes, Ryuuzaki wanted Light as well.

Clothes began to fly, well, pants at least, and underwear. Then they hit shirts, and eyed the handcuffs. "You first." Ryuuzaki slipped the cuffs off Light's wrist.

Light chucked shirt in a helluva hurry and tackled Ryuuzaki to the bed, grinding against him with a groan. More than Light thought he would be, he /needed/ what he was asking Ryuuzaki to give. It was an incredibly powerful drive, he /had/ to have sex, he /needed/ sexual relief. And it /had/ to come from Ryuuzaki, no one else would do.

Ryuuzaki chuckled, removing his own shirt and rebuckling the handcuffs. "Do you honestly think I'm going to try to run away /this/ turned on?" Light demanded in amusement as the detective's hand flailed out for some kind of lotion.

Not finding any, Ryuuzaki pressed his fingers to Light's lips. "One can never be too careful."

Light grunted, taking the fingers in his mouth, sucking hurriedly on the digits. A nip to the middle finger took the place of a tart retort. Then the detective removed his fingers, Light leaned back into the pillows, spreading his legs and relaxing his muscles. He blushed a little when Ryuuzaki's fingers reached tentatively inside, breath hitching a little as he stretched the opening.

The fingers carefully slid out. Then Ryuuzaki was kissing him and Light was in total bliss. The detective entered him while their lips were still locked. Light gasped, head falling back, baring his neck to the other. Ryuuzaki gently kissed and licked his way along Light's neck, up his jawline, nibbling on the other's ear before he finally began to move.

Light gasped, panting as his body accepted the intrusion. Arching his hips into his koi's thrusts, Light growled, letting out cries of 'faster' and 'harder.' He was approaching climax rapidly.

Above him, Ryuuzaki's breathing was labored, eyes glazed with lust, raking over the younger man beneath him. He bent again, kissing Light with as much passion, as much fervor, as he could.

A moment later, and Light howled as he came, legs wrapping around the detective in an effort to /pin/ him on top of him. Light's arms wrapped around Ryuuzaki's shoulders, fingers digging in. He buried his face in Ryuuzaki's shoulder, nails coming damn close to drawing blood.

Ryuuzaki gasped. "R…… R…… Raito-kun……." Coming hard, shuddering against Light as his body responded to an intimacy that he had never known before or since. Before this, sex was something mechanical to Ryuuzaki. He really had no interest other than emotional and physical relief.

But Light, Light was bringing out something in him that Ryuuzaki had never thought he'd experienced: a true feeling of intimacy, kinship, love, devotion. Light clinging to him like that, as if he didn't want the moment to end, ever.

Time seemed to stand still for the barest second, and both men collapsed onto the bed.

The seeds of defeat were planted then. In one simple act of love, Ryuuzaki had ensured his survival, and Light in responding had ensured Kira's defeat.

I was clueless then, Light was distant, ergo he was the strong and silent type. It didn't occur to me then, how could it, the way I looked to everyone else. Sure, Matsuda acted like a dope, but……

I was pathetic, /very/ pathetic. Looking back I can't believe I let myself continue like that as long as I did.

Light brought the book, a novel called "Flatland" to our first date. The one where Ryuuzaki first showed how hard he could kick. I never knew he could do that! I know lots of stuntmen who would have cut off an arm for that kind of martial arts skill!

But the kick fell onto raised arms, panic fell over Light's face in a way that I'd never expected to see. Woman's intuition said that something was very wrong.

Light curled automatically into a defensive position, protecting head, torso and stomach. "GEEZ RYUUZAKI!!"

Light was so upset that he tugged Ryuuzaki out of the room in a huff, and left behind his book.

Misa couldn't concentrate on movies, having just seen that fight. "Matsu, tell Ryuuzaki he should be a stuntman somewhere." Misa grumbled.

"I heard that." Ryuuzaki said calmly. Downstairs Light was yanking on the far end of the chain, back turned stubbornly to Ryuuzaki.

Misa didn't say much the rest of the day, but suddenly she didn't feel like watching movies anymore. She dug around for her fashion magazines, until……

"Flatland?" Misa asked, picking up the slim volume gingerly. "Light was reading this! I wonder what he liked about it!"

By then, everyone was gone home for the day. Misa read the book once through, then read it once through again. "How sad, nobody believed what he saw……" The model sniffed.

Misa lay back on the couch, looking at the ceiling.

In many ways, Misa realized, she could empathize with only being able to see from one direction. "Raito-kun, what did you see?" Eeek. "Raito-kun! I need to return his book! Oooooh, I hope he's still down in the control room!!" Misa cried in alarm, darting out of her room and hurrying downstairs. "Raito-kun! Ryuuzaki-kun! You forgot your…… book?"

The control room was completely empty. "But its only 9:30! Ryuuzaki-kun doesn't sleep, and Raito-kun is chained to Ryuuzaki-kun. What could those two be up to……" Misa sauntered her way over to the control bank with the surveillance cameras for hers and Light's room. "There's my room, that's the gym and the pool. Wait…… oh there's…….raito….kun?"

Misa's eyes grew huge, and the sight on the screen that showed Light and Ryuuzaki's room made her start to drool.

Light and ryuuzaki were buck nekid, kissing fervently, passionately. Light's groans demanding as he hauled the other towards the bed.

Misa watched, rapidly being turned on by the sight of what they were doing there, as Light bent to take Ryuuzaki's shaft into his mouth.

Misa watched, stunned, as Light turned, letting Ryuuzaki climb doggy style onto his back. All but drooling at the sight of Light, tall, proud, confident Light, letting the other take him.

The grunts and groans gave away to Light panting, very, very much like a hooker in a porn movie, and letting out small, effeminate cries, barely audible at first but getting louder.

She wasn't…… really…… thinking. Even as Light came, falling onto his stomach on the bed. Ryuuzaki flopping half on top of him, until the two rolled away.

And Misa wasn't registering that Light curled lovingly into Ryuuzaki's arms with a look of total contentment on his face.

It was only until Light began to speak that Misa began to register what had just happened. "That felt wonderful….." His face burrowed into the detective's shoulder. As they turned the look of utter bliss on Light's face sank in.

"Despite being chained at the hip?" Ryuuzaki purred.

Light chuckled. "I have /never/ been happier in my life than when I'm with you. Everything seems so bleak these days, the case is never ending, with no new leads, the world blazes past outside and doesn't seem to care, Misa is completely insensitive to /anything/ I try to tell her……"

Misa is completely insensitive to /anything/ I try to tell her……

"Light, some people don't know when no means no, you just have to take her in stride and let her think what she wants to think. She never thinks anyway."

Some people don't know when no means no……..

She never thinks anyway……

Misa sank down into the nearest chair, and began to cry. She sat there pathetic at the console and just wept.

Light was gay, that made so much sense. He didn't respond to her, because he wasn't attracted to her. He'd dated other women before Misa, and hadn't been interested very much in other women. He was attracted to men.

He was attracted to Ryuuzaki. And what wasn't there to like about a guy like that? They were both smart, they were both intense on a level that very few people were. To Misa they seemed to sync perfectly with each other, two hearts beating as one being.

Ryuuzaki was so much better than she was. And if Light was gay, then he could never be attracted to her anyway.

Misa is completely insensitive to /anything/ I try to tell her……

"What's wrong with me?" Misa asked pathetically.

She never thinks anyway……

"My world is flat……" Misa said quietly, voice soft with despair.

She never thinks anyway……

"I'm so stupid."

She never thinks anyway……

"Then show me how!!" Misa yelled, standing up and shoving the chair across the room. "SHOW ME!!"

"Miss Amane?" Watari had come down to make sure that everything was working alright before he settled down for the night.

Misa hurriedly jabbed for the button to turn the monitor off. She threw the book across the room in frustration.

Watari picked it up. "Miss Amane……?"

Misa wiped her tears on her sleeve. "M…. Mister Watari…. Do…… is there a library here?" Misa asked quietly. "I… I really just need some time to think."

"Yes, there's a library." He rolled his eyes tolerantly. "I'll show you where it is, but then it will be time for civilized young ladies to be in bed."

Misa wiped her tears on her sleeve once more.

In that moment the old man became just as much a father as the one I lost. His quiet acceptance of a display of temper, of despair, of confusion, I had never shown in my life calmed me more than anything else.

The door opened……

To the end of the case……

To the beginning of life……

To the beginning of death……

When Rem arrived a few weeks later, the opening for my redemption had been made.

When I was a little girl I /hated/ it when my parents told me to read. It was horrible, I just didn't have the patience for more than little story books. Stories like Peter Rabbit that were just a couple dozen pages long and with cute little pictures to get my attention.

When they died, I became defiant of the sorts of things a parent attempts to teach a child. I never picked up a book again until my hands touched the ones at Task Force HQ.

But the urge to protect did not arrive until my protector did.

I didn't know her then, but Rem's blessings had followed me through the entire ordeal in confinement, followed me through fire and hell and brimstone ever after. Just as Watari had taken the place of 'father', Rem soon took the place of 'Sister.'

I'm kind of twisted… A shinigami is my sister… how crazy am I?

But the floor is now Rem's, it is she who will fill in the gaps of my tale.

Very well Misa……

In the dim room, the shinigami took up the pen and began to write down something other than a name.