What's iTunes, Arnold?
By: 1000th Ghost
Write a short fic about ten random songs. Put your respective music player on shuffle, and write a story to whatever song comes up. Sounds easy? It should. Except you also have to write the story in the span of the song you are writing about.
#1: Canadian Idiot
Sung by: Weird Al Yankovic
Don't
wanna be a Canadian idiot They all live on
donuts and moose meat Well maple syrup and snow's what
they export Sure they got their national health
care Don't
wanna be a Canadian idiot Always hear the same
kind of story
Don't wanna be some beer swillin'
hockey nut
And do I look like some frostbitten hose-head?
I
never learned my alphabet from A to Zed
And they leave the house without packin'
heat
Never even bring their guns to the mall
And you know
what else is too funny?
Their stupid Monopoly money
Can't
take 'em seriously at all
They treat curling just like it's a real sport
They
think their silly accent is so cute
Can't understand a thing
they're talkin' aboot
Cheaper meds, low crime rates and clean air
Then again
well they got Celine Dion
Eat their weight in Kraft macaroni
And
dream of drivin' a Zamboni
All over Saskatchewan
Won't figure out their temperature in
Celsius
See the map, they're hoverin' right over us
Tell you
the truth, it makes me kinda nervous
Break their nose and they'll just say "sorry"
Tell me what kind of freaks are that polite?
It's gotta mean
they're all up to somethin'
So quick, before they see it comin'
Time for a pre-emptive strike!
(takes place during 'Hey Arnold! The Movie')
"Oh, no, Arnold! You'll be a Canadian!"
"Grandpa…" Arnold sighed, rolling his eyes.
But…Canada? Okay, maybe it was a little bit farfetched. But it did make him wonder. What would happen to him? His grandparents…maybe they would go to a nursing home. And he would be…
"An orphan!" the voice of Helga's father came floating to him.
"Well, at least in Canada I'd be free of Helga," he thought smugly.
#2: The Lonely Goatherd
From: The Sound of Music
Maria: Folks in a town that was quite remote heard the Children: Maria: the
Children: One little girl in a
pale pink coat heard Maria: Maria and the Children: Child: Maria: Maria and the Children: Maria
and the Children: the Children:
High
on a hill was a lonely goatherd
Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee
hoo
Loud was the voice of the lonely goatherd
Lay ee odl lay ee
odl-oo
Lay ee
odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo
Lusty and clear from the goatherd's
throat heard
Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo
O
ho lay dee odl lee o, o ho lay dee odl ay
O ho lay dee odl lee o,
lay dee odl lee o lay
A prince on the bridge of a
castle moat heard
Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo
Kurt:
Men
on a road with a load to tote heard
Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo
Men in the midst of a table d'hote heard
Lay ee odl
lay ee odl lay hee hoo
Maria:
Men drinking beer with the foam
afloat heard
Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo
Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee
hoo
Brigitta:
She yodeled back to the lonely goatherd
Lay
ee odl lay ee odl-oo
Soon her Mama with a gleaming
gloat heard
Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo
What a duet for a
girl and goatherd
Maria and the Children:
Lay ee odl lay ee
odl-oo
Ummm (ummm) . . .
Odl
lay ee (odl lay ee)
Odl lay hee hee (odl lay hee hee)
Odl lay
ee . . .
. . . yodeling . . .
One little girl
in a pale pink coat heard
Maria:
Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay
hoo hoo
Child:
She yodeled back to the lonely
goatherd
Maria:
Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo
Soon
her Mama with a gleaming gloat heard
Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hmm
hmm
What a duet for a girl and goatherd
Lay ee odl lay ee
odl-oo
Happy are they lay dee
olay dee lee o . . .
. . . yodeling . . .
Soon the duet will
become a trio
Maria:
Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo
Odl lay ee, old lay ee
Odl lay hee hee, odl
lay ee
Odl lay odl lay, odl lay odl lee, odl lay odl lee
Odl
lay odl lay odl lay
HOO!
Helga sighed.
"Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo!" she heard from far down the mountain.
If only she could match her dreamy yodeler's pitch, forever by his side…
Oh, what the heck?
Summoning all her strength, she yodeled back.
"Helga?!" Arnold Goatherd asked in astonishment.
"Oh, that's nic…" Miriam droned, before nodding off.
"Well…"
"Um…"
(one year later)
"Aww…what a cute baby!" Arnold crooned.
#3: Don't Stop the Music
Sung by: Rihanna
Please
don't stop the music, music, music, music, music, music. (2x) It's
gettin late Do you know what
you started I wanna take you away I wanna
take you away Baby are you ready cause its getting
close Do
you know what you started Acting naughty I wanna
take you away I
wanna take you away Mama say mama sa, Ma ma
coo sa Please don't
stop the music Mama say mama
sa, Ma ma coo sa Please
don't stop the music (2x) I wanna take you away I wanna take
you away Keep on rocking
to it Ma ma say ma ma sa, Ma ma coo sa Please don't stop the music
I'm making my way over to my favorite place
I
gotta get my body moving shake the stress away
I wasn't looking
for nobody when you looked my way
Possible candidate (yeah)
Who
knew
That you'd be up in here lookin like you do
You're
makin' stayin' over here impossible
Baby I must say your aura is
incredible
If you don't have to go don't
I just came here to party
But now we're rockin on
the dance floor
Acting naughty
Your hands around my waist
Just let the music play
We're hand in hand
Chest to chest
And now we're face to face
Lets
escape into the music
DJ let it play
I just can't refuse it
Like the way you do this
Keep on rockin to it
Please
don't stop the
Please don't stop the music
Lets escape into the music
DJ let it play
I
just can't refuse it
Like the way you do this
Keep on rocking
to it
Please don't stop the
Please don't stop the
Please
don't stop the music
Don't you feel the passion ready to explode
What goes
on between us no one has to know
This is a private show (oh)
I just came here to party
But now
we're rockin on the dance floor
Your hands
around my waist
Just let the music play
We're hand in hand
Chest to chest
And now we're face to face
Lets escape into the music
DJ let it play
I
just can't refuse it
Like the way you do this
Keep on rockin
to it
Please don't stop the
Please don't stop the music
Lets escape into the music
DJ let it play
I just can't refuse it
Like the way you do this
Keep on
rockin to it
Please don't stop the
Please don't stop the
Please don't stop the music
Mama say mama sa, Ma ma coosa (2x)
Please don't stop the music
Mama say mama sa, Ma ma coosa
Lets
escape into the music
DJ let it play
I just can't refuse it
Like the way you do this
Keep on rockin to it
Please
don't stop the
Please don't stop the music
Lets escape into the music
DJ let it play
I just
can't refuse it
Like the way you do this
Please don't stop the
Please don't stop the
Please
don't stop the music
Ma
ma say ma ma sa, Ma ma coosa(6x)
(takes place during the tango scene of 'April Fool's Day')
Maybe she deserved it. Heck, she was almost sure she deserved it.
How long exactly had she tortured his very existence?
But…then again…did she deserve this?
He was holding her too tightly.
He was too fast.
He was too…rough.
He was scaring her to death.
She was the one who chased him. It was their routine, it was how it always was. He was breaking about a million unspoken rules.
But, oh, the things he was doing…
Was it wrong that she loved every minute of it?
This was overdue…this was much too long overdue.
They had been so close on the roof of FTI…there hadn't been time…now there was.
It takes two to tango.
She almost laughed.
April Fools, football head.
#4: Grapefruit Diet
Sung by: Weird Al Yankovic
Who's
that waddlin' down the street Grapefruit
Diet (Diet!) Well, I used
to live on chocolate sauce Grapefruit Diet (Diet!) I'm on a Grapefruit Diet No more pie now Oh I think I'd sell my soul Grapefruit
Diet (Diet!) I'm on
a Grapefruit Diet I think I'm about ready for a Quarter Pounder with extra
cheese
It's just me 'cause I love to
eat
Fudge and Twinkies and deviled ham
Who's real flabby? Yes,
I am!
Every picture of me's
Gotta be an aerial view
Now my
doctor tells me
There's just one thing left to do
Throw out the pizza and beer
Grapefruit Diet
(Diet!)
Oh, get those jelly donuts out of here
Grapefruit Diet
(Diet!)
Might seem a little severe
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
I'm
gettin' tired of my big fat rear
Blow, fatty!
Made sumo wrestlers look like Kate
Moss
Walked down an alley and I got stuck
I got more rolls than
a pastry truck
When I'm all done eating
I eat a little
more
When I leave a room
First I gotta grease the
door
Can't have another
éclair
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
I gotta decrease my
derriere
I'm on a Grapefruit
Diet
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet
No more
crème brulee
Lay off the gravy
And soufflé
No french
fri-yi-yies now
No ice cream parfait
Mr. Cheese Nacho
Stay
away
For a triple patty
melt
But I need a boomerang
When I put on my belt
Lay off the 3 Musketeers
Grapefruit Diet
(Diet!)
Until my big booty disappears
Grapefruit Diet
(Diet!)
Eat 'em till they're comin' out of my ears
Grapefruit
Diet (Diet!)
'Cause I haven't seen my feet in years
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet
I'm on a Grapefruit
Diet
I need a side order of onion rings
And oh yah, don't
forget to Super-Size that
(takes place sometime in the future)
Harold sighed with satisfaction as he shoved his twentieth Mr. Fudgy Bar into his eagerly waiting mouth.
So, he was currently a revolting four hundred pounds?
So, he was morbidly obese?
So, his doctors advised him intensely to change his lifestyle immediately?
How could he resist this kind of tender, loving care?
"Oh, my poor, little baby," Patty crooned. "Would you like a piece of pie? It's fresh out of the oven."
Harold sighed. His wife loved him. He loved food. She loved to cook. It was a nice combination.
If only he could live long enough to enjoy it.
#5: Why Does This Always Happen To Me?
Sung by: Weird Al Yankovic
I
was watching my TV one night when they broke in with a special
report And I said, "God,
please answer me one question?" Why does this
always happen? Ba
ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba I was
driving down the highway when all the traffic slowed to a crawl And I thought - Poor Rob, I just had
lunch with him Why does this always happen? Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba Oh, the other day, my
boss said we were running low on toner Oh, and wouldn't you know it, my knife got
stuck Why does this always happen? Why does this always happen to me? Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba
ba Ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba
ba
About some devastating earthquake in Peru
There were
thirty thousand crushed to death, even more were buried alive
On
the Richter scale it measured 8.2
"Why'd they have to
interrupt 'The Simpsons' just for this?"
What a drag, 'cause
I was taping it and everything
And now I'll have to wait for the
rerun to see the part of the show I missed
Why does this always happen to me?
Why does this
always happen?
(Why) Why does this always happen to me?
Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba
There
was a twelve-car pile-up, everybody dead
And I saw brains and guts
and vital organs splattered everywhere
As well as my friend
Robert's disembodied head
Hey, wait a minute, he still owes me money - what a
jerk
Well, there's five bucks that I'm never gonna see again
Plus
now, on top of everything else, it looks like I'm gonna be late to
work
Why does this always
happen to me?
Why does this always happen?
(Why) Why does this
always happen to me?
Ba ba ba
ba, ba ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba, ba ba
And he told me I should buy
another case
Well, I told him I was busy, but he still just kept
on asking
So, I turned around and stabbed him in the face (right
in the face)
I guess that's probably bound to happen now and then
But
I'm afraid I may have bent the tip a little
And I know that blade
will never ever be quite as sharp again (quite as sharp again)
Oh,
tell me
Why does this always
happen to me?
Why does this always happen?
Why does this always
happen to me?
(Why does
this always happen to me?)
Why does this always happen to me?
(Why
does this always happen to me?)
Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba
ba
Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba
ba ba
Ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba
Well…it had almost worked. At least he had spoken her name.
"Helga".
It wasn't a particularly attractive name, but somehow it sounded beautiful when it sprung from his lips.
It should have been perfect.
If only the words "Why do you always have to bug me?" hadn't immediately followed.
She always halfway wanted to maybe manage to attempt to be somewhat nice to him.
And then it would explode in her face.
Why did this always happen to her?
Why her, specifically?
Was it because she cared too much? She tried too hard? She lusted too obsessively?
It was not in her nature to be hesitant.
Negative attention was better than no attention at all.
Let's focus on the positives.
He had said her name.
He had looked at her.
He had noticed her actions.
He…still hated her.
Why?
#6: Swimming Through Molasses
Sung by: Tsunami Bomb
There's
a light inside my head
Flickering but almost dead
My will to
be awake
Covered in two tons of sand
More weighed down than
when I began
Impossible to get up now, it's too late
And I
feel like moving on
And I feel like getting on with life
To
feel the presence of the sun on my face
Is what I need to smack
those cobwebs into shape
My room is an empty cave
Darkness
swallows up the day
The shades are always drawn
Skin as pale
as dirty soap
Eyes that do nothing but close
Can't even see
that my love of life is gone
Oh, outside my bed it's cold
Each
day I'm swimming through molasses
How will I wipe the sawdust
from my eyes?
Each day I'm swimming through molasses
(takes place before the episode 'Helga's Love Potion')
"Helga! Wake UP!"
The blond haired girl didn't even bother to open her eyes.
Today was…Tuesday? Wednesday? Judgment Day? Did it matter?
Once upon a time, life was innocent perfection. Umbrellas provided protection, and crackers soothed hurt feelings.
Love was free and unconditional.
Now…
Maybe she should get up.
Get dressed…do something.
But why?
So she could torture herself even more with what she once had and would never have again?
She needed a…magic potion. A beautiful concoction that could destroy feeling, destroy yearning, destroy love.
Destroy six years of unsatisfactory dreaming.
But until that day…
One foot hit the floor, then the other.
Her closet door was open and waiting.
"Good morning, beloved," she said, kneeling in front of her shrine. "Thank you for giving me a reason to live."
#7: Topsy Turvy
From: The Fiddler on the Roof
(lyrics not available)
(takes place after the confession scene in 'Hey Arnold! The Movie')
Okay, let's analyze.
She loved him.
Well, that wasn't too hard to understand.
And…um…well, that was about it.
Then why on earth was he so confused?
It was so simple before: she hated him, he…was confused…
Oh, guess he had always been confused.
But confusing was better than this absurd, unbelievable truth.
She loved him?
The world was truly topsy turvy.
#8: Don't Let Me Be The Last To Know
Sung by: Brittany Spears
mmmm... My
friends say you're so into me Chorus Ooh yeah, ooh yeah baby Repeat Chorus yeah,
C'mon baby, c'mon darlin', ooh yeah I need to hear you say (Don't, don't let me
be the last to know)
And that you need me
desperately
They say you say we're so complete
But I need to
hear it straight from you
If you want me to believe it's
true
I've been waiting for so long it hurts
I wanna hear you
say the words, please
Don't, don't let me be the
last to know
Don't hold back, just let it go
I need to hear
you say
You need me all the way
Oh, if you love me so
Don't
let me be the last to know
Your
body language says so much
Yeah, I feel it in the way you touch
But til' you say the words it's not enough
C'mon and tell me
you're in love, please
C'mon, let me be the
one
C'mon now, oh yeah, oh yeah
You
love me all the way
And I don't wanna wait another day
I
wanna feel the way you feel
Oh, c'mon
Don't, just let me be the one
Don't
(don't) hold back (hold back), just let it go (just let it go)
I
need to hear you say (I need to hear you say)
You need me all the
way (You need me all the way)
So baby, if you love me
Don't
let me be the last to know
He looked away…again. Of course.
She sighed for the umpteenth time that day.
She knew he knew she knew.
Even in her head, it was confusing…but it was such a simple concept.
He loved her…shouldn't that be enough?
It was obvious to the world.
It was obviously obvious to her.
His impenetrable denseness thankfully had not wiped off on her in the slightest.
He loved her.
And he was the only one who didn't know.
'Helga, I love you.'
Heck, leave out her name. She could suffice with just the three words.
She could read him like an open book…a dictionary, to be more precise.
Opened firmly to the word 'denial'.
#9: The Ballroom Waltz
From: The Haunted Mansion ride at Disney World
(contains no lyrics)
Dancing…swirling…everlastingly.
Helga stared at the electronic ghosts spinning in the ballroom below her.
To be cursed to dance in the arms of your love for all eternity.
Yeah, they had it so bad.
#10: Kung Fu Fighting
Sung by: Carl Douglas
Everybody
was kung-fu fighting They were funky China men from funky Chinatown Everybody was kung-fu
fighting There
was funky Billy Chin and little Sammy Chung Everybody was kung-fu
fighting (repeat)..make sure you have expert timing
Those cats were fast as lightning
In fact
it was a little bit frightening
But they fought with expert
timing
They
were chopping them up and they were chopping them down
It's an
ancient Chinese art and everybody knew their part
From a feint
into a slip, and kicking from the hip
Those cats were fast as lightning
In fact it was a
little bit frightening
But they fought with expert timing
He said here comes the
big boss, le'ts get it on
We took a bow and made a stand,
started swinging with the hand
The sudden motion made me skip now
we're into a brand new trip
Those cats were fast as lightning
In fact it was a
little bit frightening
But they did it with expert
timing
Kung-fu
fighting, had to be fast as lightning
(takes place during the episode 'Mugged')
What…in…the…name…of…criminy…?
And this was supposed to be…Arnold?
Her Arnold?
She almost wanted to laugh, and she would have any other day. Because any other day, she had the upper hand. She was in control, physically and emotionally.
But this new martial art Arnold was…
What was the word?
Scary?
She was scared of him.
He was beating up people he didn't even know…what would he do to her, his supposed arch nemesis?
She'd never look at wrestling the same way again.