Kawata Chapter 13, a x/1999 fanfic

Please...

It's cold here, I'm so scared.

Please...

I'm hungry ... It hurts Subaru, it hurts so badly.

Subaru...

Please?

His fingers scraped up against his temples. "No, stop it. I'll burn you down damnit. I'll choke your roots and strip you naked of your bark if you don't stop it."

"You love me," the Tree insisted.

"I do not ... I hate you. You are the only thing I hate in this world."

"That is not possible," she corrected. "You love me because I am him ... The Sakurazukamori is not the protector of me, it is me. He was me and you are also me."

It was true, but it was also true that Subaru hated the Tree. He was capable of it because he hated himself. And he would destroy her, because she had stunk her roots into every part of him and was ripping him to shreds with her seductive call.

"Subaru ... bring me blood."

"No." His voice shook, gripping at the thin trunk of a sapling he tired to calm himself. Tired to separate his desires from hers so that he might gain a little more will to fight against her. Stumbling aimlessly down the streets of Tokyo. He worried about the stress of her calling and felt it was wise to get as far away from what she wanted.

When he looked up he realized he was in Ueno Park. Had he walked here without knowing it? She had brought him here as easily as if she was leading him leashed like her mutt. "You cannot control me..."

"No more than you can control yourself."

"I'll end this right now if you don't stop."

"Subaru..."

There it was again, that voice that pleaded in tune with the ache in his heart. He threw his hands over his ears as if the sound was one that could be shut out.

"Subaru..."

He gritted his teeth and forced every sense inside, "no."

"Subaru?"

There was a touch on his shoulder and his mind jolted awake with a startled gasp. His eyes met a soft purple gaze saturated with concern. Innocent eyes that did not understand what they were seeing, framed by waves of smoky hair, and sheltered by pale skin as soft as the Sakura pelts that haunted their dreams.

"Subaru?"

Subaru ran his knuckle down the boy's cheek. Was this real? Or had he simply gone so insane that he could not tell the difference anymore? "Kamui...?"

The boy nodded, cocking his head to the side curiously. "Subaru are you all right? Should I go get a doctor?"

"Normal people don't have the will to wish harm upon that tree. And if they did the Sakurazukamori will kill them," Subaru was reminded.

"I'm fine," he told Kamui, trying best to force a convincing smile on his face. A smile that soured with pain as he asked, "what are you doing here?"

The boy looked more confused than concerned, he shook his head casually and brushed some of the fallen petal off his wings. "I ... well I could hear you calling me..." he scratched his head lazily. "I really don't know what to think of it."

"You are the Tree, you are me ... I am you. And no matter what, if you possess the will to harm me the Sakurazukamori will protect me." The Tree's word were soft and loaded with a deep excited hiss. "The Sakurazukamori will kill you."

"You wouldn't," Subaru breathed, his eyes broken and wide ... staring dumbly at the face of the only one he had left. His heart was broken and battered beyond recognition, but there was some warmth his heart still held for that creature. He wasn't even sure he'd call it love, but it was the only emotion he had left in his heart. The only thing that was left.

"He doesn't have the will to defy me because he doesn't have the heart to defy you and you and I are the same."

"Subaru?" Kamui blinked. "I wouldn't what?"

Subaru felt the collapse, slowly like a tiled floor in his mind was falling to darkness and shadow row by row. He had no will to run anymore, he didn't know how to fight anymore... He wanted to protect this thing, but he didn't even know how to do that. What should he protect this boy from? The Sakura or himself? Or were those two things really one in the same?

He was crying. Subaru wasn't aware of much, but he was aware of that. The tears running down his own face. He had not really cried since Seishirou died.

The boy was on his knees now, holding Subaru close ... free enough from the Sakura's whisper to be frightened by the Sumeragi's behavior. "Subaru? Subaru? What's the matter? Subar--"

"Kamui ... I'm sorry ... I'm so sorry," he whimpered before the boy's body was shot back violently. He saw the creature's eyes freeze in purple-iced shock as powerful wards rammed him into a nearby tree. It was not "the" tree ... but they were not far from her either. He could feel her pleasure, and for one brief moment he didn't care how sickening this madness was.

"Seishirou-san ... I finally understand now ... and I forgive you," he whispered softly before he raised his attention to the creature floundering up against the hold of his wards. "Kamui..."

Kamui's eyes trembled, his breath hissing between his gritted teeth as he tried to free himself from the embrace of Subaru's power. "Subaru what are you doing?"

"I'm sorry Kamui ... I never wanted it to be like this." He walked casually up to the boy, his fingers sliding up his tender neck and around the throat. The creature's eyes were transfixed with terror and unable to do anything but stare deftly and wait for his fate to be revealed.

The wards were tight around him, flexible but hard like stone walls. "Subaru ... please just tell me why..."

If Subaru wanted to condemn, to blame him, to hate him and kill him. Kamui could accept this, perhaps even embrace it. But he needed to hear it. He needed Subaru to say it.
----------------

Sleep was silent and dim. The soft purr of evening rolling over his senses as he awaken, the fragile edges of events interrupted by sleep floating softly in his mind. Waking up alone and slightly disappointed that sleep had stolen him away from Subaru's touch. Although he was, and perhaps would always be weary of the touch, afraid of the touch, even resistant to it ...after it was over he could only look on it fondly. The soft fingers moving along the lines carved into his back, following along the complicated patterns and making the wings buried beneath the skin stir with delight.

He bit his lip and listened to Subaru's gentle breathing. The young Sumeragi's fingers tracing feathers lightly.

"Does it hurt?" he had asked. Of this Kamui could not form an honest reply. Did it hurt physically? Not like pinch or a hit would. But the tension as his wings responded to their creator sent tremors up his spine. And those were as painfully as they were pleasant. The black shadows ached, nearly throbbed in his back, begged to be released and be touched.

Did it hurt emotionally? Yes, it hurt every fiber inside of him. Clear waters of desire muddied by events of things gone by. There was a time when he would have loved any touch Subaru gave him. Now ... he wasn't sure anymore. These touches, gentle strokes across his back were pleasant but they were also too painful to endure.

It was okay, he had told himself. It was okay that they would start slow, with soft innocent touches that lead to nothing else. Healing was a tedious thing, slow and impolite. Unforgiving in its very nature, unwilling to meet deadlines or make concessions. Healing followed its own timeline, untouched by one's wants and hopes.

Subaru did not stop suddenly, merely slowed his hands out of the action, until they sat unthreateningly on his knees and the tense anticipating had released the muscles in Kamui's back. "I'm sorry," he said politely. "I didn't mean to--"

Be a complete and total cock tease.

Kamui turned his head and smiled at the onmyouji, a smile perhaps a little weary. Getting used to being touched was always an exhausting ritual for him, even if there was nothing to be afraid of. "It's okay."

It was amusing that Subaru was apologizing for being erotic. Amusing that the subtle arousing movement of his hands was entirely by accident. That Subaru never intended for the gesture to carry that kind of implication.

Kamui yawned, he nose twitching slightly like a sleepy puppy's would have. He settled back into the bed again and to his surprise, fell asleep.

To wake up a few hours later like he was, with the sun setting on the far outskirts of the city and alone.

At the time he thought nothing of it. Subaru was Subaru, he came and went without any notice what so ever.

"Kamui..."

After the fact he would wonder why he did not question the voice that called him. There was so much that was odd about it after all. The fact that his ears heard nothing but his body felt the call running so softly across him that none of his many sense could pin it down properly.

"Kamui..."

And much later he would recall that the voice reminded him of Subaru, but it smelled funny to him. Familiar, but unplacable ... like both the Sumeragi, the late Sakurazukamori and a dozen other things unidentifiable to him at the time. And as he reflected on this afterwards, he would wonder why he never made the connection.
-----------

"You understand it now don't you Subaru-kun? I really do love you. I can't love you and have you marked as my property."

"So release the spell," Subaru said firmly, holding out his scared fists.

Seishirou chuckled, "I can't do that."

"And why not?" A suspicious look hardened the Sumeragi's features.

"Because, I wouldn't even know how to. It doesn't exactly work that way you know, once things are set into motion ... they have to be seen through."

Subaru frowned, his black hair brushing over his eyes with a defeated sigh. "So then ... the only way to set me free is to kill me..."

Seishirou shrugged, "it's a bit more complicated than that. But I'm sure you'll know what to do when the time is right."

"And if I don't?"

Seishirou frowned, mumbling almost too softly for Subaru to hear. "Well then ... things are about to get quite messy."
-----------

Subaru's grip tighten on the boy's throat as he struggled against the trunk of a tree, whose fall leaves hung down menacingly. And Subaru smiled-- feeling the nearby Sakura's anticipation in the air.

Kamui choked and struggled up against the rough bark of the chamomile, his back litter with tiny scratches. The Tree could sense his blood in the air, and reached out to them both from it's prison deep in Ueno Park. Beckoning them forward.

Subaru for his part, ignored her. Stepping in closer, his body pressed against his prey as he twisted under him. A soft whimper escaped from Kamui's lips as he fought for every breath against Subaru's grasp. His eyes were flooded with tears and cracked with betrayal upon guilt. Subaru chuckled.

He loosen his grip a little, causing Kamui to gasp suddenly as air flew into his lungs with ease, and then pressed their lips together-- taking full advantage of Kamui's open mouth. Kamui tried to squirm away in disgust, but there was no where to go. Subaru could feel his confused, panicked eyes darting about with every conflicting thought.

He smirked and run his teeth across Kamui's lower lip as he pulled away. Lifting his other hand to the boy and stroking his hair roughly he asked, "Did you like that?"

Subaru nipped the tip of Kamui's ear, his lips closing over the spot with a soft kiss. Then he moved down to the boy's soft neck. "No," he boy murmured. "No, Subaru please stop."

Subaru bit down hard enough to break the skin, freeing up just a minuscule amount of the boy's smooth blood. Kamui yelped and struggled against the tree truck as if trying to backup further into it.

Subaru's magical sense twitched just before the explosion hit. With tremendous force the strained bonds on Kamui's wings were released and the boy's expansive black shadows batted forward, creating a gust of wind that knocked Subaru away from him easily. And Kamui fell to the ground with a helpless thump.

The sensitive webbing of his wings had been heavily scratched as they ripped passed the bark of the tree. Small trails of dark blood tickled down the smooth ridges and one wing sagged a little as Kamui panted and tried to stand.

Subaru was sitting back on his elbows, looking at him with a decidedly amused grin. He brushed himself off as he reached his feet and took two small steps in Kamui's direction. "That was very cute."

Kamui pushed himself up-- still holding on to the tree for support-- not quite sure what he was suppose to do. He could easily have the advantage in this fight with his wings, but ... this was Subaru. There was something very wrong with Subaru and Kamui wasn't sure whether it would do any good to fight him at all.

Then there was flight. He could take to the skies and retreat for the time being. Until, at least, he had figured out what was driving Subaru to this end.

Thoughts were interrupted as Subaru's finger stroked the furthest edge of his wing. Kamui shuddered, he hadn't realized the Sumeragi was that close and he started to pull back only as that stroke turned into a painful grasp. With a yelp he tried to snap his wing away, only succeeding in pulling Subaru close to him again.

Subaru twisted the wing slightly in an unnatural direction, causing Kamui to cry out and his knees to buckle under the sudden pain. As the boy sank Subaru's swift arm gently scooped under Kamui's waist, supporting him.

"I thought you loved me," Subaru pouted.

Kamui hissed as the pain in his wing burned through fresh nerves. "Subaru... why?"

"She knows why I haven't been feeding her lately, she's a jealous bitch really. Oh she was fine with you when the blood was coming, but as soon as it started to dry up. Well..." he trailed off with a soft smile. "She's been driving me a little nuts lately."

"Who?" Kamui crooked softly.

Subaru tilted his head with an even wider smile. "Tell me Kamui, do you know what the source of the Sakurazukamori's power is?"
-----------

Loyalty was a cruel thing. He thought about those wide purple eyes, filled with tears. Eyes that bore a pain the boy never should have known. A betrayal that Subaru had looked away from.

It shouldn't of happened.

But it did, Subaru thought sadly. And the truth was it happened because of him. He was the reason such a horrible thing had happened to Kamui. That the boy should have to endure the pain of that ... and he should have almost died because of it.

It wasn't fair.

The soft pads of his fingers brushed across the plastic cross resting on his chest.

It shouldn't have happened.

But it did.

It happened for him. What gave him the right to take so much from people? To make others hurt for his welfare? It wasn't fair ... and it hurt so much to think about it.

Ghostly, he felt Seishirou's finger brush under his eye. He hadn't been aware that he was crying until he felt the Sakurazukamori's skin curving around his cheek, taking away the warm tears. The man smiled softly at him and said nothing, although there were words that certainly needed to be spoken between them ... they would not be said.

Even Seishirou ... even Seishirou. He would kill the thing he had learned to love, suffering in a way no doubt unique to the man. All for Subaru's sake, to set him free.

Subaru hated it. He hated it all. He hated the way people called him "Sumeragi-san" and bowed deeply and gave up extra rooms and food and other courtesies he was forced to accept. He hated the way his sister sacrificed her life for him, when it was she who deserved to live. He hated the way Kamui had to suffer just because he wanted to help someone in pain. He hated the way everyone assumed a good done for his sake. But worst of all ... he hated the way Seishirou was willing to let him go.

Who said he wanted to live?

Who said he had any right to live?

Who said he minded being Seishirou possession?

His heart was full with pain. Guilt ... self-hatred ... pain of seeing the people he loved hurt over and over again for him.

Seishirou's eyes were surprisingly patient. They had after all waited this long had they not? Nearly fifteen years of waiting, perhaps only realizing what it was he was waiting for now. Finally naming the unconscious desire that fueled a decade of distractions.

"Seishirou-san..." Subaru breathed. He was far beyond distraught now, falling into a trance of pure misery. It was a piteous sight, but it pleased Seishirou in ways he could only just barely comprehend. He kissed Subaru lightly on the forehead, a bit surprised when his companion shuddered with an almost pathetic whimper.

"I'm sorry ... I can't..."

Green eyes once reinforced with shields of cool volcanic glass were soft and weak in their stare. It was like the shell of this man was melting off the sixteen year old boy that he had been harboring for so many years. Pain filling those eyes, baptizing them with regained innocence. Perhaps Subaru had never lost his innocence. Perhaps it had just been buried behind all those layers of denial. Denial, rejection, self hate, responsibility, shame ... the facade they had created melted off Subaru's skin as the heat of so much pain caused the innocence to boil.

"It's okay..." Seishirou said softly. His voice sounded almost tender. "It's okay if it's what you want."

Subaru nodded weakly. "I'm so sorry ... but I want it so badly. I can't ... I can't... Not anymore."

"It's all right," Seishirou assured, a small smile on his lips. "I won't think less of you for it ... don't be afraid to ask Subaru-kun."

There were two shuddering breathes drawn before the words left Subaru's mouth, airy and light but carrying with them a strong release. "Kill me ... please..."

Were it not for the tender sorrow that iced the air of the scene, Seishirou might have laughed at the way Subaru chose to pose this request. But the man's fragile emotions demanded a little bit more respect than that. "Of course Subaru-kun ... don't worry everything will be all right."

His arm wrapped around the small of Subaru's back, the Sumeragi relaxing into the embrace without reservation. His body was loose and yielding, bending gracefully as Seishirou lowered him-- a smooth dip in their elegant dance. Seishirou's hand rose, the fingers like the beak of his dark shikigami posed for attack. The piercing magick wrapped around the hand quick, slithering over the the skin hot and heavy like no other substance on earth. It made his skin tingle. It became him, the hand soaking the Sakura's power up like a hungry sponge.

And then it struck.

Subaru smiled, the first -- the last of the truly happy smiles he would ever shed. There was a brief moment when his hope was fulfilled, where the pain floated away like lilies on a stream. One moment when the promise was just within his reach, it was all to end.

No more, no more, no more...

No one would have to suffer for him anymore ... the people he loved would be safe at last, and he wouldn't have to watch helplessly anymore.

No more...

He felt Seishirou's closeness, the man's warmth caressing his skin for that moment. He could smell that musky scent that Seishirou seemed to carry with him and blood. And for a moment, for one precise moment, it was his blood.

No more...

As Seishirou's warmth began to fade away from him he was not frightened, at first. It made sense, he was dying after all. It was when things began to feel solid again and Seishirou soft glow was still slipping through his fingers that he became afraid.

No...

No... I don't want to live... I don't want to come back.

Seishirou-san?

He eyes opened softly, weariness dragging on the lashes and making them feel like threads of lead. "Seishirou-san?"

Then there was blood.

Blood everywhere, the sticky, slippery feeling of it smothering his skin, devouring his flesh, bathing him in it's heat. Disturbingly pleasant. The feeling of a something, hot and water, wrapped so tightly around his arm.

He looked down and his mind frozen with an incomprehensible panic.

No...

Seishirou smiled weakly, his voice softly revealing the nature of Hokuto's last act with light smooth breaths. And Subaru's mind felt like it might be slashed and mangled by the shattered pieces of his heart.

No ... not again. Not this way.

As he gazed down into the thick pools of Seishirou's blood, listening to the soft purr that struggled through the man's every word, his eyes were seduced by the way the light curled in those red pools. And perhaps it was because his own mind had not completely recovered from his own death-- the death that the arms of Hokuto's spell had snatched him away from at the last moment-- but he felt strangely lightheaded.

He watched the faint glow of red and highlight, curling, mating, dancing ... like nature ... like onmyoujitsu..

One side was dark, one side light. The dark represents death, violence, pain, destruction. The light represents life, love, healing, rebirth. They long for each other. They repeal each other. They nourish each other. They complete each other. They balance each other...

He pulled his arm out of Seishirou's chest, barely noticing the man's weak grunt of pain.

Blood...

There was blood all over his hands ... blood. Blood of death, staining his pale skin dark.

A piece of me...

A piece of you...

The blood changed this world and suddenly everything was perfectly clear. Everything was so natural and understood that Subaru could not find words to accurately define anything. He could not tell you what he had to do, he just knew it. Nor was he conscious of what he was doing, he just knew.

Four wards were cast sharply, standing in midair like they were pressed into solid air. Their blue stars glowing softly on the white card as a fierce current of power rose up like blades of water running across the edge of the barrier his wards had sealed.

He felt the strain of the ofuda, he felt the warm misty surge of the power he had invoked without words. The power that blood had given him. Was it blood magick? Maybe. He wasn't sure. He knew that the call came as easily as thirst and that power responded eagerly. He knew that he could no longer feel the shape of his own skin, nor Seishirou's as his arms collected the older man's body. What he could feel was the currents of energy flowing with soothing vibrations around them and indeed through them like a great choking mist. He could also feel the pull of this mist shifting as one of them moved from life into death.