"GUUULLOOO!" Kenzie Farsight roared. "YOU'D BETTER NOT BE GETTING INTO MY SALTWATER TAFFY!"

"I'm no-ot!"

"He's not," Klitch affirmed from where he stood just behind her. "You're taffy's fine."

The rat relaxed. "Oh, that's good."

"He found your Milky Ways, though," Veil added.

"WHAT?!"

"I told you not to tell her," Klitch muttered as the female rat went thundering down the hallway toward her stock of candy and junk food in general.

Unfortunately (and purely by coincidence), Burrbob had been walking by when Kenzie dashed by. Burrbob stuck out his footpaw, tripping her with a flawless skill that came of practice. Kenzie flew through the air spectacularly until gravity remembered its job and brought her swiftly back to the floor. The rat's glasses slipped down to the end of her nose and perched there lopsidedly, giving her the look of an extremely confused owl. Slowly she turned to look at the young hare.

"Burrbob, tell me," she said quite calmly, before reverting back to screaming. "WHY IN THE NAME OF MOTHER NATURE, ODIN, THOR, ZEUS, ARTEMIS, ATHENA, APOLLO, MARS, HORUS, THOTH, LETO, AND HUITZILOPACHTLI DID I HIRE YOU?!"

Burrbob thought for a moment. "Dashed if I know... comic relief, maybe?"

"Comic relief? COMIC RELIEF?! HELLO! MY MILKY WAYS ARE AT STAKE!" Then she remembered whY she had been running down the hall. "MY MILKY WAYS! GULO!"

The wolverine peeked around the corner, his muzzle liberally smeared with chocolate, caramel, and trace amounts of toffee bits. "Yes?"

"THAT'S MY CANDY, GET YOUR OWN!"

Gulo stared at her. "Don't be so loud."

Adjusting her glasses on the bridge of her nose, Kenzie took a brief trip to her Happy Place™ (Happy Tree Friends, Fullmetal Alchemist, Eddie Izzard, and Orlando Bloom, she thought to herself) before speaking in a more calm manner to the gluttonous wolverine. "Please don't take my candy. I NEED IT TO LIVE!"

"Thou'rt talking loud again."

"I am? Sorry. Anyway, the show's about to start any minute now. Everything ready?"

Gulo was licking chocolate off of his paws. "Mm... what?"

Kenzie stared at him. "Come to think of it, why did I hire you? And why'd I have to get you hooked on snacks?"

The wolverine blinked. "I can go back to eating flesh, if ye'd like."

In a flashback, Kenzie remembered what had happened to such unfortunates as Driftail, Runneye, and Bluesnout. "Er... no, that won't be necessary. ...Carry on. And wipe your mouth after eating."

Gulo obeyed. "Can I come too? There art more snacks just backstage."

"Feel free." Kenzie rushed out onstage, straightening her glasses again as she smiled cheerfully out at the audience full of various woodland creatures. "Hey, everybody, and welcome to the first episode of 'The Insanities'! I'm your host, Kenzie Farsight--"

Swartt Sixclaw stood up in the crowd, roaring, "Why'd yew call yerself 'Farsight' when yew don't even have perfect 20-20 vision?!"

Nightshade tugged at him. "Sit down, lord, mayhap she is a Seer like me."

"Don't compare me to you!" Kenzie snapped, remembering that she particularly hated Nightshade for killing a character she had liked.

"Do you hate Seers?" Nightshade asked.

"No, of course not, but I don't like characters who kill characters that I like."

"Who'd I kill?" Nightshade asked innocently. "Don't tell me you liked Balefur, he was a--"

"Of course not," Kenzie interrupted. "But I liked Skarlath. He was cool 'cause he and Sunflash pwned everyone. And he sang that spring song that just plain rocked--"

There was a sudden squawk from the kestrel in question. "PSYYYYYCH!"

"Dominated," Sunflash said with a grin. The two shared a paw-to-wing high five that nearly broke the hawk's wing when Sunflash forgot that he was a badger and thus had massive Bloodwrath-inhanced strength.

"Whoo! Go Bloodwrath!" a green bear in a camo jacket and green beret yelled at the edge of the audience, right before anti-crossover security guards stepped forward to remove him from the premises.

"Whoops..." Kenzie muttered. "Must have accidentally transported him here when I was in my Happy Place™. Aaaanyway, my name's Farsight because I'm farsighted. Simple as that. Kinda like you, Swartt. 'Sixclaw', six claws. Simple."

"LAAAAME!" Bowflegg the Fat, Old, Glutton Warlord shouted (rather ironically, if you ask me). "H'you 'ave no right to creade a h'awesome name oud of sometink stupid! H'ad least I am honest!"

"Hey, Snape did it, didn't he?" Kenzie shot back. "He created a kicktail alias using his mother's last name!"

Snape poked his head out onstage. "Well, when you say it like that, you make me look like a total pansy!"

Upon seeing the Harry Potter character, a group of Dibbuns started chanting, "SNIVELLUS AND LILY, SITTING IN A TREE! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"

"DON'T CALL ME SNIVELLUS!" Snape roared.

"DON'T CALL HIM SNIVELLUS!" Kenzie roared, at the exact same time, before another contingent of anti-crossover security guards tackled Snape.

"You didn't call yourself Fat, Old, or Glutton!" Swartt bellowed at Bowflegg, continuing the argument. "That was all me!"

"Say h'wodd?!" Bowflegg yelled furiously, miraculously lifting his corpulent bulk onto two footpaws. (Across the audience, King Agarnu fainted with admiration.) "H'i wazzen' talkink about h'any of those t'inks! I meant Warlord! 'Ow dare you!"

"I'll 'warlord' you, lard barrel!" Swartt yelled, flying at his former leader. Bowflegg snarled.

"H'I'll teach you to dizrespec' my daughter!" The morbidly obese ferret skillfully turned the brawl into a sumo wrestling match, which of course he won.

"HA!" Veil jeered from backstage. At that moment, an inconveniently placed chandelier exploded, just as the aforementioned anti-crossover security guards were still escorting the green bear from the building. A moment later, the green bear (known to Happy Tree Friends fans as 'Flippy') broke free and began attacking all those present.

Kenzie chased after the bear, screaming. "SHART! SHART! Oh shart oh shart oh shart oh SHART!" Veil and Klitch dashed out to briefly yell, "WE'LL BE BACK AFTER THIS!" before taking cover while Gulo, Sunflash, Rawnblade, Cregga, Boar, Urthstripe, and all characters who had ever been a berserk killing machine attempted to subdue the displaced Happy Tree Friends character. Luckily, most Redwall characters actually know how to fight, so no one was actually killed...

Deciding to try waiting the pandemonium out, Kenzie crawled up into the ceiling beams and clung there muttering, "Ooohh mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy..."

So what do you think? Good? Sucky? Am I plagiarizing anyone? I hope not. I attempted to do Bowflegg's accent, and it's kind of a hard accent to do. Anyway, I don't own Redwall, Happy Tree Friends, or Harry Potter, or anything else I've mentioned in this chapter that you might recognize from something that does not belong to me. And don't worry, hopefully Flippy will be gone by the time the next chapter rolls around. And yes, I love salt water taffy and milky ways. And Twix, but don't tell Gulo that.

And apologies to those who were confused due to the bizarre and inconvenient arrival of a certain Happy Tree Friends character. I couldn't resist giving him an appearance... I'm one of his most shameless fangirls actually...