100 Ways to Kill Ashelin

AUTHOR'S NOTE: 100 ways is a lot. I can only write so much, with two other in-progress stories, so if you have an idea, PLEASE:

1. Write it up.

2. E-MAIL IT TO ME!!

Thank you. Let the killings begin!

Part 1: Death by a rolled-up newspaper

Jak was sitting in his South Town apartment, baking pumpkin bread, when he heard someone yell something, and a huge crash from the general area of his door.

"JAKKIE! Long time no see!" screamed the drunken Ashelin, waving her arms wildly. Jak was so surprised that he added baking powder instead of baking soda without realizing his mistake. Oh no, he thought. Not her!

"I got tired of Torn being so quiet, so I ran over here to see you!"

She giggled and flopped over on the table. Jak pushed the pan into the oven, and then spoke.

"You ran over here? All the way from New Haven? Without getting shot?" he asked cautiously. I need to get this bitch out of my apartment right now. She was pretending to be asleep on the table, and Jak could tell, by the number of gigantic fake snores she was making.

Suddenly, two shapes burst through the now nonexistent door. "Hello Jak," one said in a throaty voice. "It has been some time," his companion added. "But we have your…companion…to thank for our reentry to this world," he said.

"Gol! Maia! Ashelin, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!" yelled Jak.

She hiccupped and sat up. "Purple people! EVERYBODY RUN! IT'S THE ATTACK OF THE ALIENS!!" she screamed, and attempted to shoot Maia out of the way. The corrupted Sage easily dodged, and sent a blast of Dark Eco her way. "Let us see how you like this, drunkard," she said coldly.

When the energy hit Ashelin, she could feel herself changing…into…a bug? What's more, it was a still-drunken bug. She flew to Jak's shoulder and tried to perch there, but he was too busy Peacemakering the two villains into oblivion.

Ten seconds later, Jak noticed an annoying fly buzzing around his head. This is my perfect opportunity! "Damn fly," he muttered, grabbing the Sunday edition of the Haven Press and trying to swat the Ashelin-fly into oblivion.

"DIE DIE DIE!" he yelled, attempting to swat the elusive fly. Then, he gasped. "I forgot about the pumpkin bread!" Everyone's favorite hero grabbed two oven mitts and carefully pulled his masterpiece out of the oven.

It was shriveled and wrinkled. His face fell in disappointment, before clapping a hand to his forehead in frustration.

"Baking powder instead of baking soda again! AND IT'S ALL HER FAULT!!" The second Jak put the pan down, the fly was upon it. He roared in anger and grabbed the paper again, this time totally smashing Ashelin against the wall. All that was left of her was a stain. Jak was singing to himself. "Joy to the world, Ashelin's dead!"

Torn conveniently chose this moment to walk through the opening where the door had once been.

"Hey buddy, you oughta get your door fixed-WHOA!"

He had just seen Ashelin's clothes lying in a heap on the floor.