Death Note, Drugs, and Vampires Oh My!

L, Light, Misa, Matsuda, Near, Mello, Matt, Ryuk, and Rem all moved to San Francisco, California after the Kira Case was "solved". Now they all want to go to an anime convention in NYC. There's just one problem though: Ryuk is afraid of planes, so our heroes are going to be stuck in a big blue van with each other for a week. Along the way, they run into some rather strange characters…

Disclaimer: I do not own the song Girls on Trampolines, Ludo does. Nor do i own Death Note. If I did, Near would be the dead one.

Warning: This story contains LxLight, MelloxMatt, swearing, drug use, a few big words, and randomness. If ya can't handle it, LEAVE!

Don't know what Ludo is? Check my profile for a link to the full lyrics to the song used in this chapter!

Chapter One: A Ludo Encounter

"Hey Light"

"What, Matsuda?" Light sighed for the one-hundred-eighty-second time.

"Are we there yet?"

"No, Matsuda, we are not there yet, seeing as how we just left the house five minutes ago. Now shut up and let me drive!"

"I believe Light-kun suffers from a bad case of road-rage. Chance that Light-kun is Kira up by 3." L mumbled.

"How the hell does road-rage make me Kira?!"

"Funny, Light-kun, but I did not seem to hear you object to my accusation."

"L, if you try to accuse me of being Kira one more time after that damn case is already solved, I can't be held responsible for what I'll do to you." Light's threat was rewarded by a metallic click that he knew all to well. Sighing with frustration at what he was certain was now clamped around his wrist, he slowly looked down to see… the handcuffs.

"Ryuzakiiii!" Misa whined from the other side of L, "please not this again! I don't want you watching me and Light-kun, you pervert!"

"Light-kun, please control your girlfriend and keep your eyes on the road."

"I can't do both! Get Mello to deal with her."

"Mello, if you would?" L pleaded as he turned his panda-like gaze to Mello in the back of the van.

"I'm on it!" shouted the mafia boss with glee as a Gatlin Mini appeared from nowhere and was promptly pointed at Misa.

"Mello! Put that thing away! Or do you want Rem to kill you?" Matt said, amazing his traveling companions that he had even noticed anything past his DS.

"Fine, but I want to sit next to Light-kun!" Misa pouted.

"Before you said you wanted a window seat," Light growled.

"I do, but I also want to sit next to Light-kun!"

"Well, since I'm obviously the only person sane enough in this entire van to drive, I don't think you can have both."

"Then I'll switch with Ryuzaki."

"Negative, Misa-san. I don't want hyper model harassing out driver," L said, then added under his breath, "plus I seem to have misplaced the key."

"WHAT did you just say?!" Light scream.

"I… err… Nothing, Light-kun." Better to let him just find out on his own, he's mad enough now.

Light was wondering whether or not to strangle the detective right here and now with the chain, but he was interrupted by Ryuk while wondering where he could dump the body.

"Hey guys, where are the apples?" Ryuk asked.

"I believe Near has them," said L.

"I gave them to Matt," said the albino.

"I gave 'em to Mello," said the gamer.

"I… well… there wasn't enough room for them with Matt's games, Near's toys, L's candy, my chocolate, and Misa's beauty products so I left them at home," Mello said, trying to cover were he though his name would be over his head so the angered shinigami couldn't kill him.

"Uhh, guys, before you kill each other, you should know that I do have this," Matsuda said, holding up a chocolate covered apple.

"Matsuda, do you have a death wish?" Rem asked with a surprisingly Ryuk-like grin on … her?… face.

"What do you mean?" Matsuda asked, still blissfully unaware of the horrible danger he'd just put himself in.

Light growled and tried to pull over, but the snack-fiends were too fast. In mere seconds, Mello, L, and Ryuk had launched themselves at Matsuda - conveniently located in the middle of the van - and engaged in a vicious slap fight on top of the poor cop.

L had messed up Misa's hair when he flew over the seat back, and she leapt into the fray for revenge, soon followed Rem who was intent on protecting her. Soon enough, Matt's DS and Near's robot were snatched to use as weapons, sending them into the writhing mass of anime characters. Eventually, after being kicked in the head several times, Light had pulled off the road and tried to break up the fight, but succeeded only in being the ninth participant.

Eventually, the fight spilled out of the van and onto the shoulder of the high-way, where Misa found a lovely tire and proceeded to bash Ryuk over the head with it.

"Stop calling me Kira!" Light screamed as he got L into a head lock.

"Kira Kira Kira Kira Kira KIRA!!" L chanted, trying to toss Light onto the ground.

"We'll see who's a better successor for L once I beat you to a bloody pulp!" Mello screamed, laughing hysterically and clawing at Near with nails long enough to draw blood.

"Who took my DS?! I was on level eighty fucking four!" Matt screamed as he all but turned the van upside down and inside out in his maddened search.

By now, L had succeeded in freeing himself from Light and was now sitting on the teen in his usual fashion, poking him relentlessly. Ryuk has also escaped his attacker, but was reduced to running around in little circles like a beheaded chicken, lest he get within range of Misa's tire.

Rem and Matsuda had managed to escape the epic battle, and were now cowering in terror on top of the van.

"How did you get up here, anyway?" Rem asked the bruised cop.

"… I don't really know."

Rem just gave him one of those 'how can a police officer who works with L be so damn stupid?' looks and grumbled, "I guess I should go help Misa beat up Ryuk."

"I think if anyone can beat up a shinigami using nothing more than a tire, it's Misa. She'll be fine."

"True 'dat!" Rem shouted and randomly leapt to her feet, throwing one fist into the air. This show of extreme out-of-characterness made the rest of our heroes pause and gaze at her questioningly when all of a sudden…

three very strange teens appeared from thin air!

"Hold it right there, Rem!" the one with super-short hair yelled after blowing a whistle.

"Yea, who said you could suddenly be cool?" questioned the shortest of the three.

"Yea! You killed L! L killers don't deserve to be cool!" screamed the blond.

"I'm dead?" L whimpered and clung to Light's leg, crying softly.

"Now look what you did Crowtar! you made L cry!" said the first.

"Hey, don't blame me, Poque! Blame Rem!" said the third.

"Who are you guys, anyway?" Matt asked as he lit a cigarette.

"Matt! Don't smoke, it'll kill you!" yelled the second teen as she snatched it.

"Hehe, yea, cigs are as deadly as road blocks." snickered the blond, apparently named Crowtar.

"Crowtar! Stiney! Stop messin' with Matt! You wanna make him cry too?" yelled Poque.

"… Can we mess with Near instead?" they asked in unison.

"Sure, go ahead."

"L! protect me!" Near screamed as he tried to free himself from Mello and the two extremely hyper teens.

"How can I protect you? I'M DEAD!!" L wailed, still clinging to Light's leg.

"Aww, L's hugging Light! Kyaaa!" the three screamed.

"Who are you guys, anyway?" asked a very annoyed Light.

Suddenly they all leapt one top of the van, pushing off Rem and Matuda in the process, and got into very dramatic poses.

"We're the plot fairies in this story! We uphold drama and amazingness!"

"And don't forget randomness!" said Crowtar, who had randomly grown cat ears and a tail.

"… Plot … fairies…?" Mello asked, one eye-lid twitching ever so slightly.

"Hai! You betta' believe it! Very yes!" the plot fairies yelled in turn.

"So you guard the plot of our story with… fairy magic…?" Light asked.

"Hai! You bett-"

"OK, OK, we don't need that again! So, if I give you stuff, you'll make the plot do things in my favor?" Light asked, trying to look as smexy as he could with a panda-like detective clinging to him.

"No we won't kill L, Mello, Matt, and Near to get them out of your way so you can be the god of a new world!" Crowtar said and smacked him over the head with her fairy wand. "Well… I might kill Near if you really want me too…"

This last statement got her smacked over the head with Poque's wand.

"Anyway, we're here because this story isn't progressing… at all! WE NEED MORE ACTION!" Stiney screeched.

"How were we planning to do that again?" poque asked.

"We could try this!" Crowtar yelled as she snatched the tire Misa had been using to beat Ryuk and hurled it at random oncoming traffic.

The tire hit a car and sent it careening into a near-by tree. Out piled six men. One looked a little green around the gills, and proceeded to puke on one of his friends.

"Dude!"

"Sorry John." said the one who puked, who was apparently very drunk.

"Here! I'll help you clean it up!" said one of the men who seemed to be a rather nice guy.

The other three men where just standing around, worrying about their ride, hugging a bag a bag of weed seeds, or making party arrangements. That's when a police cruiser pulled up and three officers stepped out. The man hugging the seeds wasn't watching where he was going, plowed into them, and droped all of his seeds at their feet.

Officer one said, "lookie here son I hate speeding MIPs who have seeds and hit trees!"

One and Two wanted to beat 'em, and kill 'em, and eat 'em, but differed to Officer Three, who said, "I hear there's a shindig behind Burger King, and I hear there's girls and trampolines. the tree looks fine and the driver's clean, so just give them girls on trampolines… but those rather shady characters over there have to be brought in. For all we know they could be a bunch of mass murderers and mafia bosses."

At this, good old Mello leapt into action by grabbing all of his friends, - including the plot fairies - shoved them into the van, and drove off at a speed that made poor L hide behind Matsuda and Ryuk in an attempt to save himself for when they crashed, 'cuz they definitely would.

"You know, that whole scene back there seemed kinda familiar…" said crowtar.

"Yea, kinda like a song I heard somewhere… now what was it called…" mumbled Stiney.

"Are we running from the cops?" Poque asked, this being the first relevant thing said since they all got back in the van.

"Yes." Matt said as he rolled down a window and fired a smoke bombed out of it to lose the cops.

"That seemed familiar too… and if my calculations are correct… we could be in a horrible chain of events involving the plan of someone in this very vehicle going horribly wrong and resulting in the deaths of some really cool people…" Said Crowtar.

"Nah, yer just imagining things." Stiney said cheerfully.

"Here Matt, drive while I shoot those cops, they're getting' really damn annoying." Mello snarled. In moments he had popped out the sun roof and started letting bullets fly.

"Does he know that's only making them want to catch us even more?" Matsuda asked.

"He probably just doesn't care. He's had a rough day, what with L eating his chocolate and all." Matt replied in a sad attempt to justify his lover's actions.

"Don't blame me, put that video game away, and SLOW DOWN!" L - who had released the cop and shinigami and proceeded to stick his head behind Light much like an ostrich sticking its head in the sand - screamed. This was rewarded with a very high-pitched and Misa-like 'Kyaaa!' from the three plot fairies. Matt continued to drive like the speed demon he was.

"Matt, just do it, your going to give the poor panda a heart attack." Light said.

"70 chance that Light-Kun is Kira!"

After L had received a good slapping from Light, Misa yelled, "Misa-Misa and Matsuda-Kun have an idea!"

The plot fairies all exchanged 'should we be scared for our lives?' looks and Mello asked if it involved explosives.

"No, but it's a good idea!" Matsuda said, giving Mello puppy-dog eyes.

"… I'll go along with it if you promise never to look at me like that again." he said.

And before anyone knew what had happened, they had pulled over and dressed up as hippies with stuff they found in the back of the van.

"So… how is this discreet?" a ticked off Light asked.

"And why the hell was all this shit in there?" Mello snarled.

"I don't know, but I kinda like it." Matt said.

"You would." Near hissed.

"Aww, is the creepy albino allergic to colorful clothes?" Mello teased.

"L, would killing the inventor of tye-dye make me more likely to be Kira?"

"I believe he is already dead, Light-Kun. And yes, yes it would."

"Hey guys, what's our signal if we see any cops?" asked Matsuda.

"Sing 'Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds!'" Crowtar said, or rather yelled, except everything she said was a yell.

"I though we agreed on 'All You Need is Love?'" Ryuk asked.

"It doesn't matter! As soon as I see a cop I'll blow their brains out!" Mello snarled, caressing his gun.

"Mello! put that gun away! Your blowing our cover!" Matt said.

"I'm not feelin' the harmony and good will anymore guys." Stiney whimpered.

"Why are you even still here?" Rem asked, still mad at the three for saying she couldn't be cool.

"Cuz we love you all that much!" Poque squealed and glomped Ryuk.

"Except Near." Crowtar pointed out.

Suddenly L screeched, "Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love. There's nothing you can do that can't be done.

Nothing you can sing that can't be sung. Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game. It's easy."

Light dropped his banjo - Misa tried to explain to him that hippies didn't have banjos, but he just didn't listen - and shoved everyone back into van, ranting something about L never being aloud to sing ever again 'cuz that was just too damn… sexy…?

Matt was driving like a maniac again, L was freaking out and hiding behind Light again, and Mello was shooting things… again.

that is until Matt screeched around a sharp turn in a huge cloud of smoke and the van spun to a stop in the middle of a blocked off intersection, exactly like when a certain gamer died.

"EEK! MELLO HIDE ME! I'M NOT GOING DOWN LIKE THIS!!" Matt screamed as he scrambled over the driver's seat and curled up into a ball on Mello's lap.

After recovering from the ensuing laughing fit, Crowtar said, "Well, as much fun as you guys in the slamma' will be, we'll be disappearing in an amazing cloud of smoke now."

The three then waved their wands in the air, which had very little effect.

"Ugh, I don't have time for this!" Poque snarled and grabbed Matt's smoke bomb gun and fired it at the floor of the van. After the smoke cleared, the three strange girls were no where to be found. The same could not be said for our heroes or the cops now dragging them out of the van and into the backs of police cruisers.

Well, there's the first chapter folks! I know it's kinda long, I'll try not to do that anymore. I would've cut it in half but I couldn't find a good way to do that. the plot fairies are me and my two best friends. Poque and Stiney are also my editors/co-writers/magical idea dispensers. i know I probably did the part with the song pretty badly, so for those of you who didn't get it, it's the bit of the song at the end that goes "cuz nice guy's talk of trampolines, makes drunk guy turn green, and he pukes on john fee and ride guy's ride hits a tree which causes weed guy to drop his seeds at the feet of officer 1, officer 2, and officer 3" i realize i kinda failed but hey, it's my first fan fic ever and it's a fairly tall order!

next time it's death note character's in jail!

and after that it's fear and loathing in las vegas!