WARNING: This story is really sad and kind of depressing, so if those kind of stories don't interest you, I don't recommend reading this. Otherwise, I hope you'll enjoy the story and review!
It was all too clearly that I remembered those eyes and how they had looked straight at me, innocent, yet oblivious. Those beautiful, warm, violet eyes that I had been staring into as the worst moment of my life as 'Lavi, the 40th'occurred.
The smile on her face was just as treacherous. I had never seen her looking so upbeat, so carefree. I had never been able to put a smile like that on her face. It was something only Allen could do. I had been wasting my time trying.
She had grabbed my hands, swinging them back and forth, being too excited to contain herself. When she came over to say she had great news, Allen standing close behind her, I had no idea what to expect. I waited patiently, an uncertain smile flicking across my face. "What is it?" I had asked in a curious voice, having no idea what was coming.
"Oh, Lavi, it's so great!" she had cried, beaming so brightly that I was nearly blinded. "Allen and I are getting married!"
My breath had literally been knocked out of me for a moment. This was the last thing that I could have ever expected her to say. I found that it was hard to focus, and her cheery expression began to pierce me. Why was it so painful to see them both so happy?
I hoped that I hadn't stalled too long before merely saying, "You mean Komui's not going to kill him?" I had smirked, unable to smile. They had laughed, exchanging a short, sweet glance before turning back to me. I went on. "I'm sure you have plenty of other people to tell. We can celebrate later!" They had nodded, smiling and laughing, rushing off to spread the news, her hand now in his. I watched their backs as they vanished down the hall, further and further from me, until they were completely unreachable. That's when I realized that she had been unreachable all along, and I had been delusional.
--
It hurt to remember that moment, one of the hardest moments I had ever went through, but it kept flashing before me. I spent most of my time since then reading, or at least pretending to so the Old Panda didn't yell at me. As I stared blankly at the words on the page, not taking them in at all, never flipping the page, the image of their ecstatic grins filled my mind. Every waking moment was spent determinedly avoiding them and trying to concentrate on anything other than the upcoming wedding.
I had no one I could talk about this to. Everyone was too busy congratulating the two of them, and I'm sure my feelings for Lenalee would come as a shock to anyone I talked to. I was a bookman, after all. I wasn't meant to have these feelings anymore. I was meant to merely observe history, not to become part of it. I had already messed up enough, allowing myself to feel this way about her. To talk to someone about it would make it even worse, though keeping it inside was beginning to eat me apart.
Everyone I saw wanted to talk about the upcoming wedding and how great it was and how they had seen this coming for so long. They would laugh and smile, and I would do the same, playing my part, even though it killed me inside. I was having more and more trouble pretending with each passing day.
--
The worst part was when Allen came up to me the other day, saying he had a favor to ask of me. I had no choice but to listen to him, having no more excuses left.
We stood in front of a window, looking out into the dark storm clouds. Allen was smiling excitedly, seeming a little anxious as he asked, "Will you be my best man, Lavi?"
I smirked to myself, wondering why I hadn't seen this coming sooner. There was no way out of this one. "Sure, Allen."
He smiled and thanked me, saying he wished he could talk for longer, but there was too much preparing to do. He waved as he ran off down the hall, leaving me to look out over the storm clouds by myself. I opened the window, allowing the rain to come down on me, splashing against my face, soaking me with its cold water. I shut my eyes, concentrating on the repetitive banging of the rain against my face, trying to think of anything other than being part of Allen and Lenalee's wedding.
--
I got cold feet the day before the wedding. I began debating over whether to go or not. I was talking to Miranda about the wedding – it's all she ever talks about – at the moment. She was going on and on about how beautiful her maid of honor's dress was and how exciting it would be to be part of a wedding. She was scared she was going to trip going down the isle, and didn't want to ruin the wedding. She looked over at me then, wondering if I was as nervous to be part of a wedding as she was.
"I don't even know if I'll be able to make it," I responded. "I think I'm coming down with something. A fever, perhaps. I feel terrible to have to miss this, but I really don't think I'd be able to get through the entire ceremony."
Miranda frowned. "You're a terrible liar, Lavi. I know why you don't want to be in this wedding. It's obvious, isn't it? But you have to go. You don't have a choice. You'll have to suck it up, go, and then move on with life."
I had never heard Miranda sounding so sure of herself before, but she seemed to think this wedding was very important. She went on and on about how disappointed the two of them would be if I didn't show, and I simply listened, looking at my feet, not answering. She gave up after a while, telling me to think about it, before leaving.
The moment she was gone I fell onto my bed, staring at the bottom of the bunk above me, not knowing what to do.
--
I probably would have felt better if I had a fever. I felt sicker than I had ever felt before. My head was spinning and there was a great pain in my chest. I guess a broken heart wasn't just a figure of speech.
I kept thinking back at everything we had gone through together – just the two of us – and every moment we had shared. I saw her smiling at me; I saw her yelling at me; I saw her crying at me; I saw it all. We had been through so much together. I guess that my feelings were inevitable. It was impossible to fight them since the beginning, bookman or not. I was going to have to forget it all now, though. I had to forget the things she had said that had made me laugh, the times we had shared that made me smile, and the feelings I felt when she smiled at me. I had to pretend the last two years had never happened, and that I had imagined every moment of it.
She was going to marry Allen. That was what would be written down in history. If my feelings for her weren't in history, then they weren't real. They never existed.
As it should be.
--
I stood next to Allen, wearing my rented suit, and watched Lenalee walking down that isle, her arm linked with Komui's, in the most white I had ever seen her wearing. She was smiling shyly, flowers in her hand, and Allen's face was already turning into a pink shade. She reached him, and the priest began speaking, though I didn't hear a thing he said. All I could see was the happy couple, smiling at each other, hand in hand, as they made their vows and they placed those rings on each other's fingers. I almost looked away as he went in to kiss her, but forced myself to watch. If I looked away, I'd never be able to let go. I had to see it to believe it, otherwise I'd never move on. I watched it, feeling sicker by the moment, though I was smiling. Had it always been so painful to smile?
--
I sat at the loser's table during the reception, also known as the single's table, with Kanda, Miranda, and Krory. Kanda kept muttering about how strange it was that 'the bean sprout actually got married', Miranda kept crying for them, and Krory kept mumbling things about how he and Eliade had missed out on this happiness under his breath. I watched the new couple dancing, or should I say, Lenalee dancing. Eventually all I could hear was her laughter, all I could see was how she smiled when Allen called her name, and how she almost seemed to be shining, so beautiful in her dress. I wondered what it was like to dance with her, to hold her that close, to make her laugh like that. I couldn't image what a great feeling that must be.
The reception seemed to drag on for years at the same time it was over in a matter of seconds. Too soon, yet too late, they were hugging us goodbye, ready to go off on their honeymoon. Allen shook my hand before laughing and pulling me into a quick hug. I waited for Lenalee to release the now sobbing Miranda, knowing I was the next one she would say goodbye to.
I saw it in slow motion as she released Miranda and turned to me, grinning so radiantly. I knew that smile wasn't for me, but was from Allen. She reached out to me, wrapping her arms around me, saying the same things she had said to everyone else about how happy she was that I had come to the wedding and how she couldn't wait to see me again when she got back. I wrapped my arms around her in return, knowing it was the last time I would ever do so.
The moment was so short, but it lasted forever for me. I held her tightly to my chest, saying a congratulation that I could barely hear over the thumping of my heartbeat. I brushed my hand through her hair, tightening my arms around her for one last moment, holding her close for one last second, before releasing her for the last time. As she walked on, saying her farewell, my hand slipping off, away from her arm, to her hand, which was slowly slid away as she went off to follow Allen. Our fingertips touched for one second before she slipped away completely. Her hand returned to Allen's as they rushed off to the limo.
Laughing, crying, waving, kissing, hugging, they climbed into the limo, riding off down the street, farther and farther away until they were once again unreachable, and she drove away, out of my life, but never, ever out of my heart.