The Horror! Oh, the Horror!

By Sienna Rhiannon Chase

A/N: OMG!! 16 reviews since last update! You guys rock. Good job! Now you have to make or beat (hopefully) seventeen…-ominous voice- But I know you'll be able to ;)

I am SO SORRY I haven't updated for ages, but my computer was held hostage, and then the Dreaded Thing of Doom started…I mean, school. My backpack's stuffed and I have to carry my Geometry, Science, Humanities, and Spanish textbooks every day –death- That doesn't have anything to do with this, but oh well. Hope this chappie makes up for the wait…it's twice the usual length :)

So! This is the Jane chappie…up next is Jacob…reading about "Hjuecb"…fun eh? All I can say is that this chapter, there's lots of explosions, and everyone's using their gifts (especially Jane :P) So read on, mah friends! Hope you like it!

Disclaimer: Dang, people, this is FANfiction. Also, we don't make any money writing on here, so if SM could make millions writing something in a book, why would she post it on here and get nothing (except about a trillion reviews)? :-/ Exactly. NOW read on.

Chapter Five

Jane Volturi: OBSESSIVE KILLING RAMPAGE!!

Okay, not really. It's:

Chapter Five

Jane Volturi: I Need Anger Management

Previously on The Horror! Oh, the Horror!:

"That was interesting," remarked Jane. "Can I read the next chapter?"

"Be my guest," said everyone else in one voice.

Yes! I got to read the book. Finally! I couldn't wait…Hand it over, redhead, or I'll turn your guts to garters.

"It's bronze," asserted the human weakling of a whiny brunette. Oops, I mean vampire weakling of a whiny brunette.

The redhead snarled, his fingers turning to claws. "Don't you dare—I will kill you—" he choked. "How dare you—call my wife—"

"Edward, it's okay," comforted Isabella.

"Do you know what she called you?" he roared.

"I don't really care," she told him, patting his back. Ugh. Two vampire crybabies.

Pretty Boy sprang up. "You—you—"

"You what?" I asked sweetly. Then I switched into name-calling mode. "You idiot! You sissy boy! You—"

"Nut-kicker?" suggested Buff Retard. I mean, Emmett Cullen. Wait. There's no difference.

"No."

"But he is!"

"Yeah, well, I don't really care about that," I told him crushingly.

"You shouldn't," muttered Blondie, A.K.A. Rosalie. "I should, though."

"Shut up." Pixie Shopaholic—oops, Alice—jabbed a skinny elbow into Blondie's ribs. "Like I said, no one wants to know about your and Emmett's sex life."

"GODDANGIT CAN WE GET STARTED WITH THE FREAKING STORY ALREADY?" I screamed, prompting Edward to toss the book at me and run to Bella.

"Holy crap, she needs anger management classes," remarked Chief Stinky—Sam—in an aside to Nudist Smelly…I mean Jacob Black. (A/N: Don't kill me, Jacob-lovers! It's not my opinion, it's JANE'S! JANE THE SADISTIC VOLTURI TORTURER! JANE THE CYNIC! JANE! JANE! And to all you Edward (or Bella, or Alice, etc)-lovers! Again, JANE'S OPINION! JANE! Understand?)

Pretty Boy Edward Cullen laughed at that.

"What?" asked Black.

"Nothing," snickered the wacko vegetarian. Jesus, how did they live like that? Murdering is such a great high!

"I prefer not to kill innocent people," replied Pretty Boy lightly, although his hands were clenched.

"But they taste good!" I pleaded. Wait. I pleaded? Jane of the Volturi, pleading? Dang. Dang! And to top it off, he knows what I'm thinking. Crap. Repeat this and you die without Alec anesthesia, I threatened him mentally. You. Will. Die.

Edward raised his altogether too-low-set brows and made no comment, except for frowning slightly, making the brows in question look like a unibrow. Or maybe that was the wrinkles.

"She's so mean," he sniffed plaintively, clinging to Isabella. I went off into peals of (if I may say so myself) bubbling, beautiful laughter. Edward sputtered and snorted, then hastily resumed his sad expression, making Bella coo and tell him with disgusting amounts of fluffiness, "It's okay, Edward, I love you, I love you so much, baby."

I could see what he was doing, but I decided—not thinking it out, just instinctively—to let it happen, so when Edward sprang at me, lips pulled back, a snarl rumbling in his throat, I blocked him and caught him by the waist.

Yeah, yeah, I know. I may look like a short, pre-pubescent thirteen-year-old, but I'm a vampire, and I'm stronger than most. So suck it up and get back to the freaking story already!

Edward growled. "Let go of me, Jane." His tone reminded me that, like most people, he'd rather call me beotch than anything else.

"Kiss me first," I joked wickedly. Bella snarled. "Or admit that I beat you."

"Never!" he asserted, his eyes wide. "I'll never kiss you!"

Ouch, that hurt. Although I had a boyfriend who was a new recruit to the Guard, that didn't mean I wanted to get told I was un-smoochable. Oh well. Who would want to kiss Mr. Overprotective anyway?

Oh, yeah. Loonies like Miss Selfless Whiner.

Edward growled again. Shit, was the guy going to spend his whole life growling?
"There's another option," I reminded him. "Admit I beat you."

"But you're a short, pre-pubescent thirteen-year old!" Dang, he quoted my own thoughts. Not fun.

"Oh no you di-nt!" Oh no he di-nt just diss the Chief Volturi Torturer. "Oh no you di-nt!"

"Oh no he di-nt!" echoed Mr. Muscle Man. He was promptly shot with glares from his family and the Poop Pile Stinkies—I mean the wolves. It was a wonder he didn't melt. He certainly did whimper.

"Get me a match, sissy boy," I commanded him. He ran to do it, appearing at my side in a second with a box of matches. Edward's eyes widened in fear. I marched outside, near where his Volvo was parked. His family, the wolves, and Aro followed, some fearful, some unfeeling.

I held up the matchbox with my free hand. "If you come near, I will burn you to a pile of ash, so please, for your own safety, refrain from coming to close to this exhibit."

Bella whimpered through her bared teeth. Esme covered her eyes. They all knew that I could incapacitate them all in one fell swoop, except for Muscle Boy and Bella, who were protected. Bella didn't dare pull up her shield and protect them all—she knew I'd be on her like a mad woman with my teeth and a lit match. She wouldn't have a prayer.

Still holding the redhead, I zipped over to the garage, where several tanks of gas were stored. I picked up two. "I'd advise you all don't come too near. Fumes could hurt you stinkies," I cautioned kindly. I made back over to the Volvo, set the petrol on the ground, and peeled the front passenger window open with my fingers like it was plastic. Edward whimpered.

"Suck it up, pretty boy, 'cause I'll be doing a lot worse to your precious Volvo today," I promised him. I broke the lock with a tap and opened the door. Still holding Mr. Overreaction-Prone, I poured the first tank of gas over the inside of the car, taking care to put the most on the CDs jammed in one of the reptacles up front. I got out and poured the other tank on the outside of the car.

I zoomed down to the river and dunked myself and Edward in a couple times. We didn't want to go up in smoke due to the backdraft, now did we? I ran back and struck a match, holding it high for special effect. Then I threw it onto the hood of the car.

BOOM! The silver Volvo S60R Limited Edition exploded (and when I say exploded, I mean firestorm, clouds of fire, TV kinda stuff, you know, huge, exaggerated), throwing burning shrapnel everywhere. We all dodged the pieces and zipped back—very far back. The black smoke roiled up in a tall column. Shoot. The authorities would see it, and so would every other person in Forks.

"How many people are on the police force here?" I asked Edward kindly. He didn't hear me. He was wailing loudly and pounding my back with his fists. "I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU! YOU KILLED MY PRECIOUS BABY! DIE ABOMINATION DIE!"

"Jeeeeesh. It's just a car," Hyper Psychic, A.K.A Alice, grumbled. "Why is he having such a panic attack?

"Shut up! You want your Porsche to go up in flames?" warned Blondie Airhead.

"Oops!" Alice squeaked. "Crap. Okay. Forget I said that. I never said that."

I turned on her, my pain gift at full force. She screamed and screamed, torture evident on her face. PAIN! YES! PAIN WAS MY DRUG!! Jasper snarled. "Shoulda seen that coming, Miss Psychic."

"AN ANSWER TO MY QUESTION, PERHAPS?" I screeched in the same breath, just as Bella shielded the psychic. Dang, I really needed anger management.

Edward choked in the middle of his screaming, then resumed with a fevered intensity. A wave of calm washed over Redhead and I. I tried to fight, but it was of no use.

"There are three policemen." The answer came from Isabella.

"Three?" I breathed with relief. "They'll never be missed."

Bella gasped. Yay! Pain! "The chief is my father!"

Oh. Shit. He's a human, anyway…Pssh. Humans. They're like ants—easy to crush and no more missed. But I didn't want to have the Cullens killing me and Aro before we left. That would just suck.

No one wants to die. Except my victims, of course…He heh.

"Okay. Um…let's…uh…read the story!" I suggested.

"That's even worse than killing the policemen," muttered Esme, rolling her funky golden eyes. Red is so much more becoming.

Oh no! I was thinking like Brianna!

CRAP.

I dragged everyone inside, seating them on the couches while the Volvo blazed behind the shining glass windows. I sat in the middle of the floor and opened the Book of Horror.

"Chapter 5; Long lost friendz

"The brunette came into the house. 'ZOMG! UR SO HOT!' she sed cutely 2 jasper. 'I totally heart you!'"

"Oh. Of course. She hearts him. How cute," remarked Esme sarcastically. I know what you're doing right now. You're gasping in surprise that I, Jane Volturi, didn't call an enemy a bad name (you're also gasping in surprise that Esme said something sarcastic). Thing is, it's hard to think of something bad for a caring, motherly vampire.

Dang. She beat me! DANG!

To take my mind off the fact that a vegetarian vampire had stumped me at my little name-calling game, I continued reading. "'Ur cute,' sed Jazzy-poo totally falling in luv with her. how addorable1 then teh dwarf alison got ttly mad nd jelous cuz jazzypoo used to have a thing for her, then he realized she was ttly ugly.

"so then the dwarf attacked the vampie and the vampie pwned her and killed her in a sec. then she threw her so hard she landed at A&F and burnt the whole place down becuz only pozerz went there. omFg if you don't know that frick off u prepz. Anywayz, the brunette said, "Mi name is Kelliara Midnight Asthma Rose Smythe, but you can call me Kelly!'

"Jazzy-poo marveled at how beyutiful she was. She was so pretty that he decided to do her right then an there. So he did. Eddie-honey did Brianna too. then Corky came in and shoted, 'Eddie-baby why are you doing her? you swore last night that you were MINE!!!'"

Crickets.

Carlisle snapped. "MY NAME IS CARLISLE NOT CORKY! I WOULD NEVER, EVER DO THAT WITH EDWARD! AGGGH!!" Then the doctor fell to his knees. "I HATE YOU SMEXY HAWT EDDIE LUVR! GO TO HECK!"

"I don't think I've ever heard Carlisle yell like that. Or swear," added Emmett. "Jesus, look at him!"

The doctor was running vampire speed around the house, whimpering loudly as he did so.

"Uh-hum…let's continue with the story," suggested Jacob Very-Very-Very-Stinky Black awkwardly.

"Okay." I was still stunned. I recovered, and went on. "Carky ripped off his shirt and reveeled a tattoo rite over his heart that said…EDDIE-BABY! Brianna screamed and jumped of eddward. Then she ran outside to teh forest and cried about how she had lost her virility to eddie. (A/N: Idea for crying about lost "virility" goes to XXXbloodyrists666XXX, the legendary Suethor.) 'how could i, Brianna Rachel Madison Hypertension Asteriala, have lost my viliry to a freeky guy like that? not that I have anything wrong with the fact he's bi! bi guys are sooooooooooooo cute!! (A/N: This is a commonly-held belief in Sue stories. Not having met any bi guys myself, I can't say, but I thought I'd add it in for authenticity…I don't know that much about it…okay…now I'm really rambling :P) yeah bi guys are adorable. ooh now I want to totally do Carly and eddie-baby1! at the same time! yeah!1! Kelly can join in if she wants…(A/N: Another thing seen commonly in Sue-stories: threesomes and even four-somes. Yup, I've seen. Scarred for life.) yes! I'll totally do it. only if eddie-kins agrees to love me only 1st. yah! I'll go back, may b he'll take me BACk.'

Briaana ran back vampie speed and found Eddie-munchkins looking for her. He ws singing Blood by MCR (An: MCR is da greatest band eva1) and he was sooooooooo sexy. 'OMFG eddie-kins you are sooooooooooooooo adorable!!1 come on1'

"she led eddie-baby and jazzy-poo and corky-sexhay"—Carlisle put his head in his hands—"and Kelly upstairs. then they DID IT!! first she…" My eyes were the size of dinner plates. "WHAT THE FRICKING HECK IS WRONG WITH THIS STORY?!" I screamed.

"Dunno," muttered Jacob. Or should I say Hjeucb? He came over and gingerly took the book from me. "It's okay, Jane. The chapter ends here. You don't have to read any more."

"That's great. So why don't you read it, puppy?" I asked.

"Crap! No! Don't make me!" Stinky yelled, falling to his knees.

"You asked for it, retard."

A/N: Wow! That was fun! I think I died a little when I made Edward's Volvo explode. Anyway, thanks to all my awesome reviewers, and here's the replies:

emmy-and-jazz-rule: Yay! Thanks!

Caitlin: Thanks. I know the characters may seem a little OOC, but if you were Edward and your brother was reading a disgusting sex scene between yourself and a Mary Sue, how would you react?

Jordan: I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm not making fun of anyone's particular story, just the fact that Sues exist :) Don't worry, you didn't hurt my feelings.

Darri: Hooray! I'm glad you think it's funny.

srgirl6889: Yeah, I love Edward's gift. Jane's very sadistic this chappie :D

andaere: Yup, Edward's very overreaction-prone. Thanks!

CoffeeObsessed: The Twilight fandom is slipping into a Pit of Death and Despair…well, anyway, there certainly are a lot of Suefics. I will!

Beckah-lynn: Thanks! I love it when people think I'm funny :)

emmy-and-jazz-rule: Changed your pen name, eh? I've tried not to bash Jake, but Jane doesn't really like him…

Wake-up Soon: Thanks! I'm going for the lolzes…

coolblue110: Yay! Hyperness!

LightningStorms: Thanks!

Blade: Right on it.

1m4n: I like this chappie better…it's certainly much longer. I'm glad I did :)

coolblue110: Here you go!

Love you all,

Sienna