Sometimes We Die

Chapter One: Intro to Dying

Author: H. Ashleigh

Disclaimer: I am obviously not J.K. Rowling, nor will I ever pretend to be. The views of the author and the views of the characters are often conflicting and are not equal. Please do not judge the author due to her character's failings, misjudgments, ineptitudes, and misperceptions.

Friday, June 13, 1975

Afternoon

I was quite an ordinary, unoriginal sort of girl. I had heard from many that I had an unreasonable temper, but other than that, I was nothing too special. Of course, I was a witch, but that's really nothing to brood on about.

I was also quite boring to look at, if I do say so myself. My hair was thick, straight, and the color of rust and my nose was nothing more than a button with spots sprinkled over it. My eyes were the only different thing about me, seeing as they were unnaturally bright green. They were, and still are to this day, my standing attribute, and they weren't even anything to sing about.

I could usually be seen in the corner of a room, my hair braided messily, and my reading glasses perched on my nose, with a book sitting in my lap. I was really that unexciting. The only thing I was really concerned about was retaining my Top Student status at Hogwarts. I hardly ever partook in anything fun, I had never been on a date, nor had I ever kissed a boy. Ever.

I know, I know. Most girls my age had shagged at least one guy in their perspective lifetime. But what could I say? I had more important things on my mind. It wasn't as if I was unattracted to boys. I just hadn't the time to deal with their ineptitude.

And so, I tell you, if I could do one thing, it would be to decide what I would be studying N.E.W.T.s in. I was right now, of course, sitting the most important examinations I would ever partake in, my O.W.L.s, but I rarely was subject to exam anxiety. When I took exams, it was as if I left my body, and my mind and scroll floated up into the rafters of the hall. I never sweated out the answers to the questions in absolute nervousness like most of my fellow classmates, but rather allowed the knowledge to flow steadily out of my hand and through my quill as I tackled my exam.

So, enter Defense O.W.L.s:

The Great Hall was hot and sticky due to the unusually warm spring that had begun pressing down upon the castle, and I'm pretty sure a hazy heat hung around the rafters of the room in thick curtains, held up by the ropes of tension threading out from each student, but I could not feel the air around me as I scribbled away at my essay's.

"Give five signs that identify the werewolf."

I remembered Potter so arrogantly answering this question in class, and quickly filled in my exam paper with the correct response.

Golden sunlight poured through huge windows on either side of the Hall, and cast big blocks of yellow fire upon the students or the floor. Particles of dust flitted around in the brilliance, nestling in girls' hair or causing people to sneeze, and the ceiling of the Hall was an arresting, unsullied cornflower blue.

"Explain how to effectively dispose of a vampire."

I recalled in my mind my scroll of notes solely devoted to this topic, and quickly leaked it out onto the test booklet. It was all quite simple, really.

"Divulge the incantations to be rid of the following dark creatures:

1) boggart:

2) hinkypunk:

3) kappa:

4) red cap:

5) banshee:

6) dementor:

7) grindylow:

8) pogrebin:

And so I quickly finished up, and set my glasses, quill and parchment aside in order to watch those around me. I was pretty big on people watching. Of course I couldn't upset the examination proctor, and so I had to make my watching as surreptitious as possible, but I could still engage in some pretty effective dissections of those around me. I sat relatively close to the back of the room and so I had a good vantage point of everyone.

Most were still scribbling frantically, as if the whole rest of their world depended on this one moment in time, which, if we took into perspective how important Defense was, their world probably did depend on these few moments. The only people who weren't writing anything were James Potter, who was rocking his chair on its back two legs leisurely, Dexter Adams, one of the smartest students in my year, and myself.

Dexter sat all the way up at the front of my row, and was leaning his head back on his shoulders with his eyes shut. He was probably silently thanking Merlin that he had gotten to the end of exam week without going mental like a few of the Hufflepuffs had. I really didn't know why he had been so stressed about any of the exams though. He was one of the students I had studied with the evening before, and also one of the few students whom I thought about when I worried about being top student of the year.

I turned away from him, and towards the rest of the Hall. Josie Figg, one of my closest friends, was sitting at the front of the row to the right of mine, and was chewing on the end of one of the generic, plastic quills we had been handed at the beginning of the exam. She was twirling a brown curl around one of her right fingers, and I could imagine her tongue between her teeth, what she did when she concentrated.

"Five more minutes," the exam proctor crowed. This one was a rather interesting assortment of color and mousey-brown hair, and had claimed to be called Madame Parx. She was very tall, and I had never heard of her before. Usually I could recognize the proctor's names, as I avidly kept up with the Prophet, and more often than not, the proctors who took care of our exams were also the top witches or wizards in their fields. I wondered what Madame Parx specialized in; perhaps she was foreign? Her voice did not suggest an accent, however, so I could not tell.

My other close friend from Gryffindor, Emily Leach, sat caddy-cornered from me in the next row over. She was practically boring a hole into her table top with her quill tip. While one of Emily's strongest subjects was Defense, and she had expressed to me on several occasions she wished to become an Auror, she developed severe test anxiety a few hours before each exam. She was probably thinking right now she didn't know how to answer any of the questions.

"Quills down, and please be sure your names and examination numbers are on the outside of each scroll one last time before I collect them. You may keep your question packets."

She waited a few moments while all the students scrambled to complete their thoughts, and when the last scroll had been rolled up, she called "Accio," and they all zoomed into the bag she had kept behind her desk. "Have a nice afternoon."

There was a huge scrapping of chairs as everyone hurried to get out of the Great Hall and onto the grounds. I plucked my school bag up from underneath my table, and started heading towards the entrance hall. Josie and Emily were soon right behind me.

"How'd the exam go?" Emily asked immediately, digging in her hand bag for a bit of gum.

"Fine, I didn't really get too stumped on anything," I replied confidently as we slowly made our way out onto the grounds.

It was an absolute gorgeous day, with a few pillow-like clouds scuttling across the blue bowl of sky. The front door of the school was spitting the students out as if all the tension and anxiety that had built up in its confines over the last month was now unbearable and it couldn't help but heave the students out.

"Speak for yourself," Josie grunted, interrupting my thoughts. She had sort of a raspy voice, and so every time she met someone new, they all thought she had a bad bronchial infection. "I couldn't remember for the life of me the five A's of dealing with a Dark creature, and I'm sure those were important."

"How could you not remember those, Josie?" Emily demanded. "Awareness, appreciation, attempt agreement, attack! It's all very simple."

"I'm sure you got outstanding on your Divination O.W.L., don't worry Ems'," Josie replied sarcastically. Emily hated Divination.

Emily huffed and popped her gum loudly in Josie's ear.

"It's alright, Josie," I told her. "We all know you're a Divination person. I couldn't really tell you why, to be honest, but you are. Defense is just not your forte."

"I can have Aurors doing it for me," she said. "Ems', you're my flat mate out of Hogwarts, " Josie said, smirking playfully. "Hey Lily, aren't you going to sit with Sevvie?" She said all of a sudden in a sickeningly sweet voice, catching sight of Severus plopping down on the grounds a ways away.

"Josie, don't ever let him catch you saying that," I told her, chuckling slightly. "He would hex you into the inner circles of Hell."

"I think he might be rather sweet on you, Lily," Emily interjected pensively, looking at her fingernails as we walked.

"Don't be ridiculous," I replied, hoisting my bag further up my shoulder. "Severus doesn't get sweet on anyone. It's not in his nature."

"I know," Josie interjected snidely. "He's always prancing around with his friends, hexing people. I can't believe you don't resent him already, like you do Potter. They're almost one and the same, you know"

"No they're not!' I said loudly to them both.

Josie snickered to herself, and Emily snorted at my reaction.

"Touchy much?" Josie poked fun. I looked over at her, and her dark blue eyes were sparkling with amusement.

"It's whatever, you two," I said. "I don't feel like hearing you complain about Severus again. He's been my best friend for a long time now, and helped me through a lot of things when I first came to Hogwarts. You both know that, so leave me alone about it all right? Besides, it's such a gorgeous day for exams to finally be over, and I don't want to think about things like that right now."

"I know. I absolutely adore the summer. I can't wait for the party in the common room tonight!" Josie replied enthusiastically.

"I actually can't wait to get back home," Emily exclaimed. "Are you guys coming to visit this summer? I believe it's my turn to play host!"

"Yeah, of course, I can't wait!" I said. It was indeed Emily's turn to have Josie and me over. We each took turns every summer having each other over for a couple of weeks.

We were making our way over to the lakes edge, where Hazel Clarke and Mary MacDonald, our fellow Gryffindors were wading, as well as Emmeline Vance, Hestia Jones, and Winetta Rowe from Ravenclaw, and Vernette Ziegler and Molly Green from Hufflepuff. When we got there, Emily and Josie quickly removed their robes, shoes, and stockings and gingerly treaded the water.

"Lily, come on, before the squid comes over!" Josie said, turning back and smiling at me as I set my bag down on the ground.

I quirked a smile at her, and quickly shrugged off my heavy Hogwarts robes and dispelled of my shoes and socks, and my feet welcomed the warm grass and cool mud beneath them.

The water at the bank curled into dainty, brackish waves that crashed on the grainy, thick, dirt-like sand that clogged the shore. Tiny tendrils of vegetation and weed furled in with the waves, undulating in the lake water, and I could see tiny fishes flitting in and out between the weeds. As soon as I stepped into it, I could feel the residual iciness from the winter still lingering in the undercurrents dredged up from the deepest parts of the lake, and I suppressed a shiver. The soothing currents lapped at my ankles, and my tired feet were beginning to feel revived and stimulated.

All around me, fifth years were laughing good-naturedly; a three-ton anvil had been lifted from all of us, and we could joke with one another again without feeling as if that time spent laughing was time that should have been spent memorizing another potion, or rehearsing transfiguration theory.

"So, overall?" Emily asked me. She had left Josie, who was getting the hem of her skirt wet with Hazel and Mandy, and had climbed back up the bank to join me people-watching.

"Relatively well, I guess. I'm sure Outstanding in Potions, Charms, and Arithmancy, and probably Defense and History of Magic too, that's just memorization. I'm not too sure about Herbology or Transfiguration, though. How about you?"

"I'm not too confident about Herbology either, or Potions or History of Magic," she started, twirling a piece of her red-gold hair around one of her fingers. She had this terrible habit of mussing her hair, making it even frizzier than it already was. "I just don't care enough to memorize it all. That's why we have professors like Binns," she replied matter-of-factly.

I giggled, but didn't agree. I had always thought History was forever interesting and terribly useful.

"What do you want to do N.E.W.T.s in?" Emily asked after a few more moments of comfortable silence.

"I've been thinking about it for a while, and what I would really like to do is work for the Daily Prophet, like be a writer or reporter or something. You know how much I love writing," I remarked. This was true; I had journals and notebooks full of my thoughts, short stories, and things like that. "I don't think there is a N.E.W.T. program offered for it though, I already discussed it with McGonagall. She said there are always seminars offered for reporters and writers, keeping them up to date on things, and she said I could probably attend those; she just needs to check with Dumbledore. I will probably just do Potions, and all the classes required for that."

"I'm glad you're so sure," Emily replied, her tone twisting around her words. "I'm torn between a few things. You know I mentioned becoming an Auror, but I don't know if that would be the wisest thing to pursue. The death rate for Auror's is up almost one hundred percent, and if I were to die and leave my mother all alone with Madison... no, it's terribly impractical. I'm probably much better off working for Gringotts, or something like that."

We were silent for a moment, enjoying the spring day as it filtered down around us. The breeze coming off the lake sunk its long, cool fingers into my hair, feeling exhilarating against the heat and moisture that had settled in the roots. I heard some raucous laughter a little ways away, and turned around to see what the cause of it was.

And what I saw infuriated me like only James Potter's doings could.

There was Potter and his little friends, standing under that big tree they liked to frequent so often, partaking in their usual cruelty, imposing themselves upon everyone around them who they deemed anything less than perfect. And of course, as usual, they were tormenting Severus. I turned to Emily with an exasperated look on my face, and she just shrugged indifferently, so I turned and ran back up the hill, surveying the scene as I got closer.

There was Remus, still sitting at the base of the tree, reading his book as if nothing were going on, even though I don't have any idea how he was concentrating with Peter laughing to wet his trousers next to him. Sirius was standing up, leaning against the trunk of the tree, his school robes thrown on the ground a few feet away and his right hand shoved in his pocket. His left twirled his wand around leisurely, a glint residing in his eyes that set me on edge. And there was Potter, standing in front of them all, his arms folded in front of him, staring down at Severus, condescension dripping from the tip of his nose slowly and pooling around his feet.

Severus was muttering and stammering under his breath, hissing out curses and hexes that had no effect because his wand was sticking up out of the ground a good ten or twelve feet away. He was not moving either, so I'm guessing Potter had used the Impediment Jinx on him.

Potter looked affronted, and said, "Wash out your mouth. Scourgify."

Severus began choking on soapy froth that was seeping out between his lips, and coating his chin. When he saw me running over to them, his eyes widened and he shook his head at me twice, almost imperceptibly; I had known him for so long and realized that he almost certainly did not want me to interfere, but at that moment I did not care what he wanted: I wanted justice so much more badly.

"Leave him ALONE!" I yelled, anger turning my head into a ball of radiating heat. Potter jumped at the sound of my voice and before he had even turned around to see me, he had already starting mussing his hair. 'Good,' I thought bitterly to myself. 'Do those things that irritate me most, I'll just become angrier and angrier.'

"All right, Evans?" he replied, ignoring my request completely. This was so like him, so arrogant and pompous.

"Leave him alone," I repeated, anger making every syllable tremble. "What's he done to you?"

"Well," Potter began to say, gesticulating with his hands as if he were explaining a rather complex Arithmancy problem, "it's more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean..."

Laughter swam around the small crowd of people that had surrounded the scene. The only three people not laughing were Severus, Remus, and I.

"You think you're funny," I said, my voice iced over with glacial undertones. "But you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him alone." Of course, I had said all of these things to him countless times before and it never really changed how he behaved. I could almost predict what he was going to say next. He would probably invite me to Hogsmeade for dinner or something at Madam Puddifoot's, as if I would ever frequent that disgustingly sickening place.

"I will if you go out with me, Evans." Right on schedule. "Go on... Go out with me, and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again."

I saw movement out of the corner of my eye, and noticed that the jinx was starting to wear off of Severus. Maybe if I could distract Potter and his little minions long enough, Severus could get away and all this could end cleanly.

"I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid," I said coldly, eliciting spattered laughter from the crowd.

"Bad luck, Prongs," Sirius replied, and before I could catch his attention, his back was to me once more. "OY!" he yelled, noticing what Severus' antics had been as their backs had been turned.

Sirius wasn't quick enough though; Snape had dived for his wand, sliding on the ground and snatching it up, directing it straight at Potter's face. A flash of bright light ensued, and blood was soon pouring all over James' robes. I felt a small bit of satisfaction rear up in the back of my chest, and smiled silently at Severus, who had all the while been looking to see how I reacted. Unfortunately, his attention to my reaction left him unprepared for what came next.

Without any more warning than a second flash of light, Severus soon found himself to be hanging upside down in mid-air. His robes fell down around his head, and I saw his skeletal calves and thighs, and felt nothing but pity for my dear friend.

Everyone around me exploded in laughter, but my voice rose above it all as I started to yell again.

"LET HIM DOWN!"

"Certainly," James replied cockily, and I realized a split second too late that he had taken my words literally. Severus was soon on the ground in a tangled mess, his robes up over his head and his legs twisted oddly together. It took him several moments to stand up properly, spurred on by the relentless laughter enveloping the air around him, and as soon as he got up, Sirius yelled "Locomotor Mortis!" He fell over again onto the grass, rigid and stiff.

"LEAVE HIM ALONE!" I shouted louder than I had so far. I pulled my wand out of my belt loop, and pointed it at Potter, who turned at my explosion. He twisted one side of his mouth up into one of the ugliest smiles I had ever seen, and my nose wrinkled in disgust.

"Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you," James said, his eyes pleading with me.

"Take the curse off him, then!"

James sighed deeply, as if all his fun was being denied, and the contempt I felt towards him instantly deepened to an all-new level. He turned to Severus, who soon found that being limber was as easy as it had always been.

"There you go," he said to Severus, who was standing up and straightening his robes on his frame. "You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus-"

"I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!" he shot back, and even though deep in his eyes I could see humiliation and pain shooting daggers through anyone who looked at him, I felt the world shift under my feet and my head started to buzz with voices full of self-righteousness and derision. A fist of iron clenched my heart, and I could just imagine the field day Emily and Josie would have later on that evening when I told them about what Severus had called me. They had always said it was only a matter of time before I realized his true intentions.

"Fine," I replied, the coldness I usually reserved for Potter infusing into my breath and escaping out of my mouth before I could think about it. "I won't bother in future." And before I could stop it, diarrhea of the mouth ensued, and I vomited out, "And I'd wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus."

"Apologize to Evans!" Potter exploded, turning his wand on Severus once again. Apparently he thought I was on his side now.

"I don't want you to make him apologize," I shouted, turning to him and shoving my finger into his shoulder. "You're just as bad as he is..."

"What?" yelped James, the deep voice he had used earlier giving way to the cracking that so plagued teenage boys. "I'd NEVER call you a -you-know-what!"

"Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you've just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can- I'm surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me SICK."

And before I could say anything else, I turned around and ran back down the hill towards my friends, who were staring up at the entire scene. Behind me I could hear Potter calling my name, but I couldn't stand to look back.

***

Later that evening, I sat in the Common Room with Josie and Emily, all three of us already clad in our pajamas, staring around at the party but not feeling any of the relief I had felt right after the exam had been over. All around me, people were dancing and eating. Potter and his friends had stolen food and drink from the kitchens, and I'm sure the sweets and punch tasted so good, but I had no appetite. The only thing I could think of was Severus and how he seemed to have thrown five years of close friendship out the window. I didn't really know what to think or feel. I had always known the way he was, but I had never honestly thought it could be directed at me. I had always thought he made exceptions for me in his prejudices.

Next to me, Josie and Emily were sitting peacefully. Quite against what I had thought, neither of them had said, "I told you so," but rather had been slightly sympathetic. They knew Severus had always been my closest friend, and while maybe they didn't understand exactly why this was so they were being supportive now, and that's all that mattered to me. Josie was drinking a butterbeer, and Emily was eating some crisps, but they were not dancing or partying, even though I had insisted several times for them to go and have fun.

"You know, Lils," Josie started after about twenty minutes of awkward silence. "I'm sure he was just really humiliated, especially since you were there and all, and we think he fancies you."

"I'm sure he fancies me," I replied bitterly. "Because apparently Mudblood is a term of endearment nowadays, never mind that it's degrading and nasty and positively medieval."

Josie didn't really know what to say to that, so we sat in silence again, listening to Gryffindor's resident band sing and rock away their newest songs. In order to distract myself from the impending doom, which was surely inevitable if I continued thinking about my best friend and his betrayal, I focused on the band, named The Fetes. There were six members, and the sound they produced was pretty different from the standard rock I was used to hearing in the muggle world. For one thing, incorporated into the music was a beautiful sound that only a combination of cello and bagpipe could produce. Hazel Clarke played the cello and Geoff Cantor, a sixth year, played the bagpipes. Then there was the standard bass, played by Patrick Davies, one of the guys in our year, and the drums, played by a brilliant fourth year named Luke Finkle. There was one guitar player, named Kimberlyn Syvil, but she was a seventh year and this was probably one of her last shows. And then there was the singer, a sixth year by the name of Alizen Rogers. She produced a sound which I had never even knew could escape from one's vocal chords. It was haunting when the cello overrode most of the other sounds, and then it could be harsh and unforgiving when the drums and bass were the strongest elements.

The song she was singing right now was mellow and rather anguished, as if she were singing solely to the guitar player and all the other seventh years, who were probably feeling nostalgic. Her voice swam out of her throat like a thick hand full of beauty and elegiacs and wrapped itself around everyone in the room, transfixing them and holding them hostage. There were a few couples dancing, but most everyone was sitting and listening contently, with butterbeers lolling lazily in one hand and sentimentality etched on their faces.

"Hey Lily," I heard to my left. "Snape is waiting outside the portrait hole for you." It was Mary MacDonald, standing next to Emily with her hands shoved in her pockets. She was kind of a mediocre looking girl with long, straight brown hair and a thin mouth. I had never gotten that close to her.

"Hmpf," I replied, and crossed my arms over my chest. "That's just too bad for him, now isn't it?"

Mary looked at me sheepishly. "He's threatening to stay the night out there if you don't come and talk to him."

Emily snorted, and I discerned "immature git," from her mouth. I rolled my eyes and stood up quickly, brushing off my nightgown. "Thanks Mary." When I walked past Potter, he looked up and stared at me, as if he knew exactly what I was about to do.

As soon as I was out of the portrait hole I saw Severus curled up in a ball in a corner. A minute part of me felt contrition, but my stubbornness overcame all other emotions and soon I was a locked vault of frigidness and intolerance, waiting to be tempted so that I could explode. As soon as he heard the portrait hole snap shut, his head flew up and his eyes opened wide with gratitude. I pursed my lips and stared him down, crossing my arms over my chest and he stood up quickly.

"I'm sorry," he spluttered quickly, wringing his hands nervously.

"I'm not interested."

"I'm sorry!" he insisted with more fervor this time, his eyes pleading with me for forgiveness.

"Save your breath." I was really sticking to the bitchiness I had vowed to. "I only came out here because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here."

"I was. I would have done. I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just-"

"Slipped out? It's too late. I've made excuses for you for years. You and your precious little Death Eater friends-," I paused here, seeing if he would try to refute my claims, but he just stared at me, lost for words. "-you see, you don't even deny it! You don't even deny that's what you're all aiming to be! You can't wait to join You-Know-Who, can you?"

He looked confused, and opened his mouth to say something, but words never flowed out. He almost looked unapologetic; I wouldn't have been surprised if he had shrugged his shoulders at me in matter-of-faction.

"I can't pretend anymore," I continued ruthlessly. "You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine."

"No- listen, I didn't mean-"

"- To call me Mudblood? But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?"

His mind looked as if it were reeling, and I know he had things that he wanted to say, but he didn't say them, and after a few moments I grew impatient. I raised my eyebrows a bit, and then turned around and walked back into the Common Room. There was nothing left to be done.

Later that night, after all the rest of my dorm mates had gone to sleep, I issued a very strong silencing charm on the curtains around my bed, and cried myself loudly and miserably to sleep.

A/N: Thanks to my new beta, MRSSPICY, who is editing all of my chapters and then working with me on the new ones. Comments very welcome.