Inside the Series: Bleach

Okay, so this is my first story. It's kind of like a true Hollywood story. I'm an amateur comedy writer, and I am well aware that this may suck. Sorry. The main summary is that this story takes place in a world where the real and general fictional worlds collide in some strange way and anime characters play themselves on their TV shows. All of the Inside the Series stories take place in that world, as do any of the other parody stories I write.

The usual disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any of its characters. The only character here that I own is Charles Tolle. Look for him in any other things I may post.

The other disclaimer: Not everything you read herein reflects my personal views on the characters, original series creator, life, religion, food, whatever. If they did, I'd be in hell. Or maybe Canada.

Another disclaimer: I know I'm posting this a second time. If you have a problem with my actions, please tell me kindly, so that in turn I shall ignore you kindly.

Without further ado: Kurosaki Ichigo: Part I

Kurosaki Ichigo is known to the world as the main character in the hit animanga series Bleach. In that series, we know him as a deputy soul reaper and a family man, even though he's still living with his dad. In the series, as you probably know, his mother is dead. This is not true in real life, as Masaki simply grew tired of having to come by every day to provide snacks and faked her own death when her character on the show died. This angered the producers, as well as the family, so Masaki left Isshin and went to Scotland. It is now thought she lives with L Lawliet (for more on this, wait for the Death Note edition of Inside the Series). That's all that is known about her. Now back to Ichigo. Because Masaki left the house, Ichigo's sisters voted on who would fill her void. It is known to fans of the series that Yuzu does the majority of the housework while Karin keeps to herself. This is untrue, as Karin lost a bet and has to clean the bathrooms every Wednesday between 3:18 P.M. and 5:07 P.M. Ichigo's main job is to administer Isshin's prescription anti-fungal medication rectally, which is why the two of them always seem to be fucking around. There was one fruitful day, however, and not just because Richard Simmons was handing out smoothies. On this day, the cameras at Titan Nerd Stadium were rolling as the station's owner Charles Tolle conducted an interview. Here's what the recorder picked up:

Charles- Hello, and welcome to Titan Nerd's Inside the Series, where we take you inside the series. Any other name would be misleading. Today is that one special day where we have a live interview with a character from a series, so please welcome Kurosaki Ichigo of Tite Kubo's Bleach!

Ichigo enters the studio, sits down, and shakes Charles's hand.

Ichigo- Hi, Charles. I'm not all that thrilled to be here, after some of the other things your studio has done to me.

Charles- That's ancient history, my friend.

Ichigo- Seeing as you had me strapped to a stretch rack made of fiberglass, you're no friend of mine.

Charles- Obviously, Ichigo still remembers his participation on our short lived game show based on "Weird Al" Yankovic's classic song Dare to be Stupid. We may recover the show's footage some day. But that's not why you're here, Mr. Kurosaki. Do you know why you're here?

Ichigo- My dad told me to go to Titan Nerd Stadium because they had free coffee and he wanted a cup.

Charles- Well, if I was Ashton Kutcher, you've just been Punk'd!

Ichigo- I suppose that's true. You said this was Inside the Series, and before we begin the interview, I'd like to say this to my dad. (flips the bird) Okay, so give me a question.

Charles- Well, I must start by saying that I am sincerely a fan of Bleach. I like Clorox because it gets the job done. Okay, that was a joke. (audience boos) Oh, c'mon! Doesn't anyone here have a real sense of humor?

Ichigo- Doesn't seem like it, does it?

Charles- Thank you for a statement of the obvious, Carrot Top. You know what the main difference between you two is?

Ichigo- Either I don't suck, or my eviction notice from society is in the mail. (audience laughs)

Charles- Oh, now you want to laugh. But I must admit that was a good one. I was going to say that you don't suck, but I guess that second one is pretty good. Next question. People say that the Ichigo character likes the Rukia character. Is this true in real life?

Ichigo- I understand why people think we like each other, characters and in real life, but Rukia and I certainly don't feel that way about each other in life.

Charles- You don't?

Ichigo- Well, first of all, we simply hate each other. I don't like Rukia, Rukia doesn't like me. And secondly, Rukia's really a black man named Harry Jenkinson.

Charles- Really?

Ichigo- Yeah. (pulls out two pictures) See, that's the Rukia we know on the show. (shows picture of Rukia) And we filmed Rukia's parts in the Soul Society Arc before filming most of my fight scenes, so that gave Harry some time off. This is Harry during at the end of filming the arc. (shows picture of a middle-aged, bald black man with a full beard and cigar) Yeah, I was also surprised to find out that I had a fifty year old man living in my closet. And he didn't wear his costume when we went home at the end of the day.

Charles- So Rukia actually lives with you.

Ichigo- Yeah, the living conditions you see on the show are identical to the ones at my house. But you may know we film at the real studio just down the street.

Charles- I know. In fact, they invited me to a few episodes. I was a fan of Don Kanonji, which I am not, and I've served in various companies.

Ichigo- Yeah, Chad told me he beat you up when he pounded eighth company.

Charles- I gave Shunsui a good therapist for his drinking. But I recently got an e-mail from Nanao saying he hasn't gone once. How is Chad, by the way?

Ichigo- Better since changing his allergy meds.

Charles- I wasn't asking about his allergies. I was asking about the problems with his...(Ichigo gives an impressive dirty look) Okay, you said you hated Rukia, or Harry, or whatever the hell its name is. That rules out my next three questions, so I'll ask you a different question. Ah, here's one. I remember your reaction to Yoruichi. Are you gay?

Ichigo- What?

Charles- It's okay if you are. Having seen her like that without the smoke, though, I can accurately say that if you didn't like that, either you're gay, or your one-eyed monster is blind.

Ichigo- I'm afraid I don't quite follow. I know what you're getting at, but the part about my one-eyed monster being blind doesn't make sense to me.

Charles- It means your penis doesn't know something good when near it.

Ichigo- I'm not gay, but you don't need to insult my manhood.

Charles- Okay, here's another question. I've heard it from your urologist that...

Ichigo- I don't go to a urologist.

Charles- Let me finish. Your urologist says that your dad frequently gives you urological exams in the living room in front of your sisters and company.

Ichigo (looking disgusted)- Okay, firstly, I would not let my dad touch me there for any reason. I don't care if he's a doctor. Secondly, that's just disgusting to do it in front of my sisters. They're eleven. And thirdly,...

Charles- Tell the truth, Ichigo.

Ichigo- Okay, we're both getting help for it.

Charles- And I have exposed a celebrity. It takes a big soul reaper to admit to his sinful sexual pleasures, Mr. Kurosaki, and you have come a long way by confessing this in my stadium. Congratulations. Do you want the coffee your dad sent you here to get?

Ichigo- Whoa, whoa, whoa. I thought that this was nothing more than an interview for your show. If this was an intervention, well, I guess you wouldn't tell me if it was an intervention, that kinda defeats the purpose. But I thought this was a regular interview.

Charles- It is. I asked a question and you gave us an answer you should be proud of. Go and get yourself a cup of coffee.

Ichigo- Better yet, I'll give you a cup of fist.

Charles- What? (Ichigo punches him in the face. Charles gets up somewhat dazed) Okay, I really should have seen that coming.

And so ends that interview. There will be more on Kurosaki Ichigo, but the next time we cover Bleach, you will watch a special encounter Charles had with Uryu Ishida when he disguised himself as a fan at a baseball game.

How'd you like it? Like it? Hate it? Did you laugh inside? Laugh outside? Not laugh at all? Honesty is appreciated, but I will finish the Bleach portion of the Behind the Series series.