Part 4

The next morning, I sleep late. I haven't had a full night's rest in God knows how long. But now, suddenly, I'm the sleeping goddess. The romantic in me would point toward Jack O'Neill being back in my bed as the reason. But the pragmatic Colonel Carter suspects it has much more to do with finally starting to deal with and let go of things that have been troubling my conscious for far too long.

I get out of bed and consider getting dressed but then decide that I'm on vacation and if I want to stay in my pajamas all day then so be it. I enter the main room and the boys instantly halt their conversation.

They were obviously talking about me, and I can understand it from their point of view. With my armor slipping last night, Daniel and Teal'c now know something's wrong, maybe even more wrong than just my dad. The race through the woods followed by our shutting ourselves up in the bedroom tells them that Jack might have some insider info about what's going on with me. I wonder briefly how much of our shouting last night they overheard, and how much Jack has told them this morning.

Daniel and Teal'c never knew what happened between Jack and me, or at least I'm pretty sure they didn't. I never told them and I'm certain Jack never did either. But I wonder if they ever suspected? Our behavior at times must have been… interesting, to say the least.

Even more interesting now, as they must know Jack and I slept in the same bed overnight. Do Daniel and Teal'c assume we made love for the first time last night? Or do they have any clue that it's completely the other way around? Last night's touches and kisses were fleeting and nothing compared to the heat we've shared in the past.

"Morning," I say as I come into the room. All three pairs of eyes are on me, following along as I walk over to the coffee pot and pour myself a cup.

They are studying me, trying to assess my mental state. They still haven't resumed their conversation.

"Please," I say sweetly, "don't let me interrupt. Carry on with whatever it was you were talking about."

Daniel is the only one with the decency to look guilty. Jack and Teal'c, on the other hand, have matching stoic expressions.

Teal'c asks, "How are you feeling this morning, Samantha Carter?"

I give him a hint of a smile. Of course, Teal'c would be the one brave enough to ask the question they're all thinking.

I say, "You know something? I feel pretty good." As an afterthought I add, "Well, considering."

His lips curl ever so slightly. "I am most relieved to hear that."

I decide to steer the subject to other, safer topics, at least for the moment anyway. "So, what do you think, Jack, another round of fishing today?"

"Jack?" Daniel repeats, flabbergasted.

OK, maybe I didn't change the subject effectively after all. Daniel's eyes shoot to Jack's, not mine. That surprises me. I expected Daniel to believe he'd have an easier time getting information out of me.

Jack says in a warning tone, "Daniel." The one that's forever telling Daniel not to say or do whatever it is that he's about to say or do.

"But, Jack," Daniel puts heavy emphasis on the use of his first name, "I thought you said last night nothing–"

"Daniel," he barks it this time, all the while keeping his eyes on mine. Jack is silently asking me for help, permission, or a gun, I'm not sure which.

Well, if I didn't suspect earlier, I certainly have evidence now. There was a conversation about me and it definitely included a component of Jack. I decide this whole thing needs to be handled in a completely different way: Jack can handle Teal'c and I'll take Daniel.

I turn to Teal'c. "Maybe you and Colonel O'Neill can start baiting hooks? Daniel and I will join you soon."

Daniel waits until they leave then he sits down at the table next to me. I'm not even sure where to begin. So I ask, "What did Jack tell you?"

Daniel does a grouchy version of Jack. "Whatever it is that your little imaginations are imagining right now… you're way off. And no, I don't want to talk about it, Daniel."

It's hard not to be at least a little amused. "He didn't lie, Daniel. I'm pretty sure it's not what you think."

"Look, all I know is that you're going through something, I think it's something on top of losing Jacob. What I can't tell is… is Jack helping or hurting?"

"He's not hurting."

"He's not making you happy either."

I inhale sharply and stand up, moving away from Daniel. I need a little space for a moment. Daniel senses that and stays put. I'm not sure I can handle the amount of sympathy and support coming from him right now. I take a few steps over to the little window and look outside.

Jack and Teal'c are on the dock with fishing lines in the water already. If ever something defined the differences between the sort of people that Daniel and Teal'c are, this moment is it. Out there, a conversation took place that lasted maybe 30 seconds before the two fell into companionable silence. In here, the same conversation was going to take at least an hour.

I wonder, not for the first time in all these years, if I should open up and really talk about everything that happened. I contemplate if I should tell Daniel all of it. Hash out every detail, for his sake and for my own. There was, after all, a part of this that he had unknowingly caused. The second time I came to Jack when I shouldn't have was after Daniel ascended. Not that I'm laying blame for my own mistakes, but it is a piece of the whole puzzle. I was hurting and I went to Jack. Simple as that.

I turn around to face Daniel again and lean back against the edge of the kitchen counter. His eyes meet mine, waiting.

"It's not…. Daniel, it's not his job to make me happy. I am going through something and Jack… Well, he's listening."

"And this is something that I can't help you with? Teal'c either?"

"It's about Jack and me."

"Ah," Daniel's eyebrows went up, not in surprise but in the 'now we're getting somewhere' fashion. "Hence the sudden throwing around 'Jack' instead of 'sir' constantly."

I almost smile at that. But it also gives me a good opening. "Not the first time I've said it, just the first time I've said it around other people." I look down and study my bare feet for a moment.

I never really counted the first time I came over in the middle of the night to my CO's house, that one was a fluke. If that one time had been all it ever was, all that ever happened, we wouldn't be here like this. No, it was the second time that did it, when I was mourning the Daniel's loss and fighting fears from Jack's suicide mission of flying the Gate into space. That second time made it a recurrence and sealed our fate.

I take a breath and look up at Daniel. "After you ascended, things happened… it became different between Jack and me."

He seems stunned for a moment, but it's just a flash. It doesn't take more than a second before he nods. It must have been that easy, simple to accept. He asks, "Different good or different bad?"

"That's a good question. One of the many that still remain."

Daniel must be thinking about Pete because he says, "And then somewhere along the line, things became un-different?" I smile at him despite the nature of this conversation. I can't help it; this man with multiple degrees making up such a ridiculous sounding word is funny to me.

"Hey, you started it," Daniel points out in response to my smile. "I'm just running with it. And believe me, I don't mind talking about this subject in euphemisms. Normally I'm fine, but when it's you and Jack we're talking about…"

"Un-different," I repeat.

"I'm guessing that's about the time Pete showed up on the scene."

"Yes." Suddenly, it all comes out of me like I burst a pipe. "God, Daniel, I've make so many mistakes. But he acts like… like it's all water under the bridge and just come back to his open and waiting arms. I hurt him. No matter what he says, I know he's hurting. I don't know what do about that. I don't even know where to begin to earn his forgiveness, let alone forgive myself."

Daniel concludes, "You blame yourself for breaking the rules."

"Jack thinks I believe that I'm supposed to be perfect and that I can't forgive myself for making a mistake."

"Is that true?"

"It's just… I always thought he and I would be perfect, and when it wasn't, I thought… I don't know what I thought."

"It's a relationship with Jack," Daniel says. "It was outside the rules then and anyway it's destined to be anything but perfect. Sam, come on, you can't seriously–"

"I think I built it all up in my head," I acknowledge. "We didn't start under the best of circumstances, but still. All that waiting and anticipating, and it seemed like after all of that it had to be…" I hesitate and then say flatly, "Perfect." Because I just can't find another word for it.

"And yet, it's a relationship, just like the rest of us mere mortals have." He smiles at that. "It's going to be messy and hard at times. You will make mistakes. So will Jack."

Daniel pauses then adds, "I'm going to venture a guess that his mistakes will outweigh yours in both size and frequency. But still, you'll both make mistakes."

I smile weakly. "I suppose."

"It's OK, Sam. So long as you make each other happy most of the time, that's all anyone can hope for."

"I'm not happy right now," I admit. "Some of it is my dad. A lot of it is the stuff between Jack and me that's been sitting unresolved for far too long. Now is not exactly the greatest timing, once again, but we're overdue."

"Want Teal'c and me to give you guys some space? So you can talk?"

"No, during the day we're fine. We do most of our talking at night in the dark." I add with a little shrug, "Tradition."

"Euphemisms, Sam," he reminds before I go to far in my description but he puts an arm around me.