EDWARD

How had we ever sunk so low?

I sat, crouched on the ground, head in hands. We had always done what we thought was right. We had always been the "good" vampires. But here, now, I looked at our spotless yard, and here were humans we'd destroyed.

Yes, they'd come to attack us. But that didn't matter. Their blood was on our hands.

I remembered the hatred I had felt for Zac. But now I couldn't. I looked on his dead body, with all its imperfections. Scars that would never heal. Mussed hair. His neck, twisted at an unnatural angle. Everything about him was human. Vulnerable, something soft that we could kill. And did.

Now all he was was a human.

There were several other bodies on the ground. A Latino girl, and a tall, dark male. I remembered him as the silent one.

And we had killed them. Monsters, we were. I cast no blame on the others of my family. I cast the blame on ourselves as our species. And on myself. A monster.

She had screamed at me that everyone was dead. And she was right. It had been a cycle of killing that no one could escape from. Killing and killing. There was nothing else anyone could do.

I was dead as well.

I walked away from the scene, and no one tried to stop me. Their thoughts were dulled, stunned by what had occurred. We had never, none of us, wanted to be killers. I did not look back at my family as I walked away. I wasn't sure when I would return, if I did. Maybe this whole farce had been impossible to keep up. I was destined to be a loner.

I walked through the woods, watching as my feet left neat footsteps, pushing down the ground in an even shape of my shoe. I reached out, to push a branch away from my face, and I suddenly felt a bright green, still unfolding leaf in my hand, sticky with sap and the underside furry with the soft down of a newborn foal.

I squeezed my hand shut, and felt it disintegrate into powder.

And I dropped the remains on the ground as the last ray of light died beneath the horizon.

-

It was some time before I found her.

She was sprawled out on the ground, staring up at the empty, black sky. Her dyed-black hair was matted and bloody, but it still looked appallingly beautiful as it draped around her head on the ground. Her clothes, were, as well, stiff with dried blood, but she seemed to be completely conscious and calm. I wasn't sure if she had noted my presence, but I sat down noiselessly beside her body.

It was then that I realized that the motorcycle she had ridden on was crashed, wrapped around the tree she lay beside. Part of it was completely bent, as if it had been smashed into the tree at a blinding speed. The bark, as well, was darkened with a painful bruise that matched that covering her arm.

"I rode the motorcycle into the tree." Her voice was abrupt, and just as empty as it was before.

I did not look over at her. "I know."

"I think I was trying to kill myself."

My eyes were, unwillingly, drawn to her, and she was staring at me, smiling slightly. "Do you want to be dead?"

The crease in the middle of her forehead tightened. "I don't know."

Then I touched her. I reached out to stroke her arm, and she did not flinch away. Then I gathered her up in my arms, holding her close. I knew my body was cold, could never provide warmth to her like another's could. I knew I was insufficient. But it was the only thing I could do.

She did not cry. In fact, she did not even seem to be holding back tears. The screams that had exploded out of her in the yard seemed to have all died out. She did not melt into my arms like she might have, before, but she did not draw away, either.

After a while she looked up at me, and said clearly, "I killed him."

I let a breath out. "No, Bella. You didn't do anything wrong. Everything was my fault."

Her face twisted. "Damn you, don't start your fucking apologizing again. I don't want to talk about that."

I looked down. "Then what do you mean?"

"I mean... I can't judge you. You did things wrong. But I did them too. I hated you for what you did to me. But I did the same to him. We hated you for being vampires... for being monsters... but really, we kill people too. We hurt them." Her hand went down to her side, where her knife used to be.

"I don't care what you say. I am a monster."

She shrugged. "That may be true." She straightened herself a little, pulling a little away to toss back her hair, before she continued. "I remember how before I used to think how perfect before. How you could do nothing wrong. Well, now I've been kind of disillusioned." She laughed mockingly. "I remember I thought of you as a Greek god.

"And even after you left. I still dreamt of you. I imagined that there was still an Edward out there who lived up to my expectations. Who wasn't a stuck up dick who thought he could rule the world, who played with a girl's emotions, whether or not he thought he was doing what was best for her..."

She sighed, and relaxed back into my arms. "But now... Now I realize that that doesn't exist. It can't exist. There is no one out there like that. Girls would love him to be, and I'm sure they're all imagining that there is the perfect guy out there. But there isn't. And eventually, we'll all have to find that out."

She reached her hand up and smoothed my tousled, so unhumanly perfect bronze hair back, out of my eyes. "I'm starting to think that might be okay."

My breath hitched. "What?"

Some of her hair fell back in her face. "Even after I said I was so cynical. I still believed things could be okay. I started to trust God, or Fate, or whatever, thinking that he wouldn't fuck things up. And Zac was right, in a way, it all comes down to the fact that your kind shouldn't exist. But I think things would still be fucked up without you...

"I can't believe that he's dead. Jasper killed him so easily..." Then, she did begin to cry. She sobbed into my chest, yet no tears came. I held her, tightly. Before, I would have kissed it all away, attempting to dazzle her into forgetfulness and happiness. But that was then. Now, I would let her cry.

"Shh," I murmured. "You're right. He's dead. And we shouldn't exist. We shouldn't be able to kill someone that easily... to ruin someone's life..."

"No." She looked up, eyes red now, mascara rubbed off, so that some of her brown lashes showed. "That's not what I meant to say. I mean... shit happens. And it is someone's fault, usually. But we've got to move past that... we've got to survive." She looked at the dark bruise on the tree. "Maybe I feel like a monster, now, more than you. 'Cause I've done some pretty bad things. But--but I can still try..."

Then I did kiss her, but a soft kiss, barely touching her lips before I pulled away. But against them, before I did, I whispered, "You're never a monster."

She looked up at me. "I believe you, you know. What you said, about you leaving."

I didn't know what to say to that. "Oh." Then I bit my lip, what a stupid thing to say.

"I guess I did a while ago. I just... I don't know."

Then we fell silent, leaning against the tree she had attempted to kill herself on. She didn't fall asleep, but closed her eyes, and her slightly uneven breathing lifted her chest. I watched her, and I watched the black, empty night.

It was not perfect. There was no such thing as perfection, as she had said.

But it was right.

And as she turned over in my arms, and her breathing slowed so I knew she had finally fallen asleep as the sun began to rise, a piece of paper fluttered out of her clothes. I picked it up, and began to unfold it, then decided it didn't matter. It dropped from my unnaturally white fingers, and I watched as a small gust of wind took it away.

We would survive.

disillusionment

before, I imagined you an angel
my guardian god, sent from above
I imagined you perfect, pure as your skin
and my outlook affected my love

no one's perfect, haven't you heard
darkness and light in every man
I persuaded myself you were the exception
and thus invited, disillusionment began

but could it be, that now I know
you really aren't all that good
will I be able to convince myself
to love as before I easily could?

light and dark, equal and beautiful
somehow together they make you more real
tangible, someone I can touch
and know exactly what I feel

my blind trust is gone forever
and so is my infinite devotion for you
but perhaps, maybe, with time
I may come to love more what is true

FIN

I've decided I don't want to include the epilogue, as it ends well here. I did have another poem I wanted to include but don't know where and writing more would just stretch it on. If you want, PM me or review and I'll send it to you.

As always poem by me, 'Disillusionment'.