Author's Note: As a warning, I wrote this very late at night, so it's probably messed up on so many levels. A lot of the completely ridiculous things in this story are based off of this person I know who is almost exactly like Tsukimori. There is also use of a good deal of "adult" language in this one-shot, so if you start blushing profusely, I warned you. Oh, and they're probably a tad OOC. I couldn't help it. I'm sort of guessing this is how they would interact if they became slightly closer friends. This is dedicated to the Tsukimori/Mr. Darcy doppelganger that moved way too far away from me. Sigh. Well, anyway, enjoy this one-shot and please review.The King and Queen of Clueless

By MadnessinmyMethod

Tsukimori Len was a brilliant violinist. He was handsome. He was rather rich. While he was aware of all these things which described him, he was unaware of how attractive it made him to those of the female persuasion. He was woefully ignorant of the legions of underclassmen, who went quite a distance out of their way to pass him in the halls and sigh with longing. He was unaware of the fact that everyone knew but him.

Hino Kahoko was a friend of Len's. Well… she called them friends and he let her since it was easier than trying to run away. And in the end, she never did him too much harm and interesting things tended to happen when he was around her. He admitted that, all in all, she was tolerable.

Kahoko was an interesting girl. For the most part she was unaware of romance and all things that were associated with the topic. She noticed when boys were cute and men were handsome, but she never really thought much beyond that. She certainly thought that Len was attractive, but he was her friend and that would be… well… weird.

It wasn't until one day when she overheard a certain conversation that she began to think of Len as something other than a boy she was friends with…

"I'm telling you," a wispy first year said to her butch friend (what a contrast!), "he's like a sex god." Kahoko felt herself burning up. Since when did first years talk about sex so much?

"Who are you talking about again?" the butch girl asked.

Kahoko was slightly curious as to who they were describing in such vivid detail that she could not help but slow down, despite the fear of what other vulgar things she might hear.

"Tsukimori-senpai, of course," the wispy girl said. "I mean, what other studmuffins go to this school? His face looks like it was carved by angels. I would have his babies if he wanted me to!"

"Eh?" her friend replied noncommittally. "They do say he's made of sex."

Kahoko's eyes looked like saucers and she quickly ran away from the first years before she heard anything else so upsetting. The layers of naiveté were shattered. Tsukimori-kun… made of sex?? It was too much.

Thankfully whatever great power there was in the universe took pity on her and Kahoko had encountered no one during her flight from the over-sexed first years. She did not know what she would have done if she had ran into one of the other concours participants or one of her friends. Exploded probably, she thought.

As time passed, Kahoko never truly forgot that conversation. Every time she looked at Len she thought about what the first years had said. He was handsome after all. Kahoko found herself studying his strong jaw line and his broad shoulders. When he caught her looking, she would blush and turn away. Maybe he was a studmuffin… maybe he was made of sex.

She never thought that she would hear more scandalous opinions of her friend. She had thought the first years were an isolated incident. But now that she had heard it once, it seemed to be everywhere. Kahoko noticed a pattern in the girls that walked by Len. She noticed the evil glares directed at herself when she was near him. She heard the whispers as he left a room. It was all too weird and the worst part was that Len was clueless. At least Yunoki Azuma was aware of his admirers, but Len was ridiculously ignorant.

Kahoko had always hated being unaware of things, and as the days and weeks passed, she could not bear to see Len so completely clueless of the facts. The matter was delicate and Kahoko had a perfect, flawless plan to deliver the news gently. After much pleading and persuading, she had managed to arrange to meet Len at the park on a Saturday. From there, she could get them somewhere private to spill the beans. He had to know, she told herself.

The air was crisp and breezy in the autumn afternoon. Leaves scattered noisily across the pavement, stirred by the wind. Kahoko had somewhat futilely tried to secure her hair against the tugging of the gusty air. She sat by herself on a park bench, waiting for Tsukimori to arrive. She was horribly impatient. The idea of what she was going to do and say was incredibly nerve-wracking. This was the sort of thing people wrote sit-coms about. This wasn't real life. Well, it turned out it was her life.

He ought to know, Kahoko told herself again. If it was me, I'd want to know if there were hundreds of adoring fangirls calling me a studmuffin and claiming I was made of sex. Well, it's not really a claim; it's pretty true…Hell, what am I thinking that for? Kahoko shook her head, trying to collect herself.

Just then, the sound of someone clearing his throat made her look up. "Hino-san?"

It was Len. "Tsukimori-kun. How are you?"

"Fine," he replied dryly.

"Oh, good. So… um… would you like to walk?"

Len shrugged and she stood up. Slowly, they started down the path, trying their best to ignore the bothersome wind. The breeze seemed like it was making fun of them almost, twisting up Kahoko's hair and trying to steal the striped scarf Len wore that looked like it was probably hand-knitted. Kahoko seized on the object immediately. "Did someone make you that scarf, Tsukimori-kun?" she asked.

"Yes. My grandmother."

"Oh. How nice. No one in my family can knit," she said sadly. "I'm jealous of Tsukimori-kun."

It got quiet again and Kahoko struggled for a topic, unwilling to begin the conversation of Len's good looks. She wasn't ready yet. She hadn't even figured out how to introduce the subject. "So… um… windy today, isn't it?"

"Yes," Len agreed. "Hino, is there something wrong?" he asked, for once in his life acting somewhat perceptive of what was going on around him.

"Well, um…" Oh, hell, she thought. "You see, Tsukimori-kun. I asked you to meet me because I had something very important to tell you."

"Okay," he said slowly, slightly worried that she was going to launch into some elaborate confession of love. Len admitted that she wasn't all that bad. In moments of weakness, as he called them, he had thought about her in a romantic light. He honestly felt that she was going to end up with someone else though. Someone who was handsomer and more talented than he. Len didn't quite know how he would react if she started spilling her guts to him.

Unaware of Len's inner struggled, Kahoko plowed on with what she had to say. There was no turning back. "The other day, I was walking down the hallway and I heard this really strange conversation these two first years were having about you. And I didn't think it was anything exceptional until I heard other people expressing the same opinions about you and started noticing all these different things," Kahoko blurted, knowing that she was both rambling and avoiding the point.

"Hino-san, what are you saying?" Len asked, somewhat annoyed that she was being so vague.

"Half the girls in school think you are a sex god!" she said a little too loudly.

"Wh-what?"

"I just… thought you'd want to know," she finished lamely.

"They think I'm a… a…"

"Studmuffin," Kahoko said.

Len sputtered.

"And that you're made of sex," Kahoko added, unable to control the words spilling out of her mouth now.

"I… I need to sit down," Len said, wobbling slightly. Kahoko helped him over to a nearby bench. "When did you notice this?"

"A few weeks ago. I suspect it's being going on far longer though," she replied.

"This is… this is ridiculous right. I'm not made of sex!" Len protested feebly.

"Well…"

"What?"

"Come on, Tsukimori-kun. You can't possibly have been this clueless." Says the Queen of Cluelessness, he thought bitterly. "You are a very handsome boy," Kahoko said honestly.

"That's not the same," he snapped. "How am I supposed to walk through school knowing that people are thinking this now?"

Kahoko was silent. She had no response. She hadn't thought that telling him what the people were whispering behind his back could backfire so horrifically.

"Hino-san," Len said at last, much quieter now. "You don't… you don't think of me like they do, do you?"

She blushed. "I'd like to think that I see your talent and personality better than they do," she replied.

"You didn't quite answer my question," he accused.

Kahoko sighed. "Yes, I think you look like a sex god," she said. "But, you're also a great deal more than that. I like you for different reasons. Oh, don't look at me like that!"

"Like what?" Len asked coyly.

She gave him a weird look in return.

"You're ridiculous, you know," he told her.

"Says the boy who didn't know he was made of sex," she teased, enjoying the faint color that reached his cheeks. He frowned.

"So about that," Len said. "I'm going to need a strategy to keep them all away from me."

"You run pretty fast," Kahoko said, feeling excessively giddy.

"I had a different idea in mind."

"Go on. Tell me."

"I need a possessive girlfriend to scare them all away."

"Where are you going to find one of those on such short notice?" she asked.

Is she being sarcastic or is she really that clueless? Len wondered. "Gee, I don't know. How about I just snag the first girl I see? Hey, look! There's one," he said pointing at her.

Kahoko shrieked. "ME?"

"Got a problem with that? You are going to have the boyfriend who's made of sex. Can you handle it?" he challenged.

She got a steely look in her eye. It was that determination that he had grown to respect during the concours. "Only if you buy me things," she said.

Len shrugged. "Sure."

They got up and started walking again. Feeling bold, Len slipped his hand around her waist. She was shocked at first, until she realized how nice it actually was. The wind blew Len's scarf across her and she took hold of it, fiddling with the fringe on the ends. "Do you think your grandmother would teach me to knit like this?" she asked.

Len smiled, excited by the idea of Kahoko coming over to his house for knitting lessons, lessons that he would more than likely disrupt. "I'll ask her," he replied coolly. He was a bit alarmed at how quickly his ego was swelling, but when you find out you're a heart-throb and you get the girl you find more than tolerable—essentially a girl that not being around is intolerable—your head gets pretty damn big. But all in all, Len liked this feeling, especially if he could keep his arm where it was for a very long time.

Kahoko nestled her head against one of Len's broad shoulders. This was nice. Feeling very warm, almost sleepy, her thoughts became very slow. I'm glad we talked… Who knew first year gossips could be so helpful?