More random LSF/Carth drabble. Starts right after the Leviathan and continues to after the Star Forge. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or their dialogue. Shame, really.

Chapter 1: Love Hurts

Numb.

That was really the only way Aliana could describe her current state of mind, the only word she could find for her emotions as she lay in her cabin. All the good times she'd spent among her friends, the mismatched crew for the Ebon Hawk, had paled into insignificance and nonexistence. All the laughter, the jokes, and subtle digs of the past several months had faded with the events of a few short hours.

Once they'd found the third map on Tatooine, they'd set course for Manaan, and been captured by the Sith ship Leviathan, the ship commanded by Carth's old mentor, Saul Karath. With Canderous' help, however, they'd managed to escape and get to the bridge to disable the tractor beam and allow the Hawk to get away.

Aliana shut her eyes tightly, remembering Carth's face after he'd heard Saul's final words, words no one else could hear. She hadn't understood at first why he turned on Bastila, why he looked at her with so much hatred and loathing.

"Bastila, it's true, isn't it? You knew all along, you and the whole Jedi Council!"

"Carth, it's not what you think. I promise I'll explain everything later, but now isn't the best place. We have to leave, now."

She truly hadn't known what was happening, not at first. It was only until Malak had forced the truth on her did she finally understand, and she hated what she knew now.

She, Aliana Calion, was Darth Revan.

How did I not see it before? The clues were right there, right in front of me, the whole time! The unusual 'transfer' request from Bastila's party on the Endar Spire, her convenient Force bond with Bastila, the speed and ease with which she'd completed her Jedi training, the convenient visions of the Star Maps…How could I have been so blind? All she needed to do were piece together the veiled hints Bastila would often drop into their conversations, and the puzzle was complete. How could they do that to someone, take away their entire past, and not tell them the truth when it mattered? She'd been lied to, her entire memory was a lie given to her by the Council. Now she finally knew why Carth would always get so mad when he was left out of the loop.

Carth…

Thoughts of the pilot brought tears to her dark eyes. Everyone had accepted her and accepted the fact that she was no longer Darth Revan—everyone but Carth, the one man she wanted to stand with her. He'd said he'd stand by her in her fight against Darth Malak, but only for the sake of the Republic. She'd just begun to care for him, before her past slapped her in the face, but he probably hadn't even noticed. Ever since the Leviathan he'd been cool towards her, avoiding her whenever possible, always suspecting her of treachery. A lot like he was on Taris, Aliana smiled sadly, knowing that now she had no chance to win him back.

"Aliana?" Jolee's rough, gentle voice called from the other side of her cabin door.

"It's open," she replied dully, sitting up on her bunk. Her door was never locked while she was awake and in the cabin—for safety's sake she locked it when she slept or when she wasn't there. Old habits die hard, she mused as the door slid open.

"Got something on your mind, eh?" the old Jedi asked.

"Too many things, Jolee. Too many things."

Jolee regarded the girl carefully: it was her nature to keep her troubles to herself, but even he could see what was bothering her. He could feel the sadness and betrayal rolling off her, and understood why she would feel that way. Poor lass, she didn't deserve what the Council did to her.

"Come now, child, I'm not so old I can't see you're bothered. Tell me what's on your mind, and I'll help you if I can. Like I told that fool boy earlier, I won't judge you by your past."

Fresh tears clouded Aliana's eyes at the mention of Carth, and she roughly wiped them away. "It's my past that's the problem, Jolee. How can I go through what's left of my life knowing who I am, what I've done…I've hurt so many people, how can I escape that? How can I go through living when I've done so many unforgivable things?"

"It's not going to be easy, lass, but you need to try, for Bastila's sake if for no one else's. What the Council did was wrong, but if they hadn't how many more people would've suffered? In any case, they actually did you a favor."

"How is my remembering that I'm a former Sith Lord doing me a favor?" she sniffed.

"When the Council took your mind they gave you a second chance, and for all they know you could easily have fallen again. They had no way of knowing either for sure, but they gave you a second chance to choose. And I must say you've been doing admirably thus far." Aliana felt the bunk settle as the old Jedi sat down and patted her arm. "I doubt you're going to turn around and betray us that easily."

"I wish…I wish I could take it all back, stop myself from turning to the Dark Side, stop Malak from destroying Telos…" Her words caught as a fresh wave of sobs came up, remembering Carth's hatred of Darth Revan, of her. Jolee frowned, thinking he knew what the other part of the problem was. She's still thinking about that fool pilot's words.

"The boy doesn't know what he's talking about, lass. Best to forget what he said—he'll come around in time."

"I…I can't, Jolee, I just can't." She looked up at Jolee, pleading brown eyes begging him to understand. "I can't forget what he said to me, anymore than I could forget him. He hates me, who I am, and I…I can't blame him for it. I wish I could make him see I'm not her anymore, that I've changed, that I…" she stopped suddenly, but Jolee understood.

"You love him." Just like I loved Nayama, he thought. Aliana nodded silently, tears streaming down her cheeks and catching in her black hair.

"It hurts, Jolee, knowing how much he hates me now. Will it ever stop hurting?" She felt the old Jedi put his arms around her, patting her back gently. Try as she might, nowhere in her false past could she remember being held like this by a father, a mentor, or anyone. It was comforting, in a way.

"It won't ever stop hurting, no, but eventually you learn to keep going in spite of it. You just keep the happy memories close and forget the sad ones as much as you can. And who knows, maybe you'll find someone who'll accept you for who you are, and not judge you for who you used to be."

Jolee's words were meant to be comforting, but they were no help at all. You yourself said you'd only find love once, Jolee. Well, I found it, and it hurts more than I ever thought. Maybe that's why the Jedi are forbidden to love. Aliana continued to cry in Jolee's arms, wishing she could go back to being a Republic scout rather than an ex-Sith Lord.

"We're approaching Manaan, get your gear together." Carth's voice over the communicator alerted both Jedi, and Aliana quickly wiped her tears away.

"Better get moving, then." As Jolee left to gather med-packs, Aliana stopped him with one last question.

"Who am I now, Jolee? Am I Aliana Calion or am I still Revan?"

"You are who you choose to be, my dear." When the old Jedi disappeared around the corner, Aliana thought about his words.

I am Aliana Calion. I'm not Revan anymore, never again.