The unwritten rules of the SGC Chapter 9: Clothing and Food, a stargate: sg-1 fanfic

Disclaimer: I do not own SG-1 or anything associated with them. If I did, Pete would have been killed in a very nasty way, O'Neill would never, ever had left, the frat regs would have been thrown out the window and Janet wouldn't have died! –cough-

AN1: Can someone say they are sorry enough?

I can try right?

SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY

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I know I promised to update sooner, but I really, really, really, didn't have the time

For a full list, or just a personalised sorry, just mail me

AN2: Thank you to all the fans that have left me gifts in my inbox, I mention no names…but cookies are always nice

This is only a short one to prove I'm still alive.

7630 hits and only 34 reviews?! You can do better than that people!

The unwritten rules of the SGC

6 Rules on Food and Clothes

"We call each other every morning" that wasn't really an explanation, it was a way to stop the complicated discussion on politics that determined who wore what.

When off-world the dress code was pretty much determined. Green for pine trees. Brown for sand. Grey for battle and blue for anything else.

Food, taken off-world, eaten in the commissary, smuggled into the briefing room, when ever and where ever is governed by rules

But, like most unwritten rules, it is never that simple

1) Chocolate is Universal

Maybe not universal in the sense that every planet has it, in fact, I think earth may be the ONLY planet to have it, but it is universal in the fact that it is the best currency around.

It's like giving water to a dying man. Feed them a piece of it and you will make friends.

Unless of course they are power hunger snake heads in which case save the chocolate for a rainy day in the cell. It will cheer you up.

Warning: Do not give chocolate to the under 5's. It can cause hyperactivity which may, or may not; lead the locals to think you poisoned their children to keep them distracted.

2) Birthdays will come with perks

Green will not be worn on Carter's Birthday: she hates it

Blue will not be worn on Daniel's: it makes him look washed out

Brown will not be worn on Teal'c's: it makes him look bronze

Grey will not be worn on O'Neill's : it brings out his hair.

If off-world, one person, normally Daniel or Carter will bring with them in their private supply a muffin and a candle. Practicality dictates that it be small, and leave no mess (there is nothing worse than walking up to a local half covered in chocolate)

3) Off world they love to play dress up

It's EXACTLY how it sounds. The cultures that love to play dress up are normally primitive, with the clear male/female boundaries.

Females will be dressed in either be dressed modestly (on the lucky days) with clothing so rough that course hessian feels like silk. Or, in so little that it makes bikinis look like a suit, in material so fine you may as well not be wearing what little you are in at all.

Of course, there are those rare cultures that idolise women, and dress them in clothes that wouldn't look out of place in a beauty pageant.

The rule for women is: It could be worse. Enjoy feeling like a queen on those days when you get lucky, grin and bear it on the others, because, the right person may notice certain qualities that are hidden beneath BDUs. Pack spare underwear, something normally inappropriate will save your ass when you have to wear something humiliating…padded bra's are a lifesaver!

Males will be dressed in furs, to emphasise their role as hunter and leader. Normally with a bare chest (gym visits are almost ritual now). Men, as a whole have it far easier…but… when they are made to look like some reject from an S+M catalogue, the tables have turned.

The rule for men is: Put up, and shut up. You have the better deal by far. Think of it as payback for all those thoughts that ran through your head when a female member played dress up.

4) They love to drug your food: pack your own

Unless you happen to carry around a chemical lab, stick to the salad. You normally can't go wrong with salad. It's mostly home grown.

The nicer it looks the worse the headache will be in the morning.

Alcohol is on the "don't" list. Unless you trust the people you are drinking with, it is rather foolish to drink alcohol you don't know the taste of.

The earliest people used to drug mead! It doesn't take a degree in astrophysics to slip the wrong thing into a drink.

5) Black goes with anything!

I think it speaks for itself. The military love black. But they don't dictate how tight it has to be. If you can get away with it, go for gold.

It looks great with the leather they will undoubtedly ask you to wear at some point

6) When sleeping off-world you will not comment on team members choice of underwear

Whether it is modest black boxers, or Simpsons briefs no comment shall be made.

Unless of course you are wearing the red hearts and cherubs boxers that a certain someone got you for Valentine's Day…then it's open season

I wont promise to review quickly. Its exam season!

It's not as though many people are going to see them, what you wear under your military clothes, and out of site of locals is your business.