A/N- Okay, so don't ask me how I came up with this…I believe I was watching the Bird Cage and the idea of Draco Malfoy in drag just popped into my head…please don't ask where my insane fantasies lead me ; )

I just thought that watching our sarcastic (but extraordinarily sexy) arse of a Slytherin attempting to woo our dear Hermione in a dress would be utterly hilarious!

Anyway, enjoy!! This has been so much fun to write!

God Save the Queen

By: dracosgem

Chapter One: The Pink Thestral

Harry Potter sat idly in his chair and stared at the arrogant blonde sitting before him. Draco Malfoy couldn't miss the obvious satisfaction in Harry's eyes seeing as he was practically at his mercy. Harry grinned slyly as his best mate, Ronald Weasley, entered the interrogation room. The redheaded prat sat down next to Harry, and returned his sly smile with a smug grin. The two of them obviously had similar sentiments regarding the situation at hand.

Draco sat across from them, puffing nonchalantly on a cigarette, unphased by his two former enemies. Although the three of them had essentially let go of their former detestation, Harry seemed rather ecstatic about his current predicament and the git openly showed his amusement without compunction. Ron seemed to be on a similar playing field, his smugness was thicker than usual, which was truly saying something.

"Would you two stop goading me with those smug looks of yours and tell me what the hell we're going to do about this?" Draco stated in a bored tone, throwing in a half-hearted eye roll for affect.

Pricks.

"Well, Malfoy, after considering the situation, my colleague and I," Harry said gesturing to Ron, "we, have decided that you should be placed in witness protection."

"Excellent, being sent to some horrid place Merlin knows where to hide from a bunch of crazed Death Eaters," he replied sarcastically, "utterly fantastic."

"Now Malfoy, you did come to us seeking protection. What did you expect?" Harry retorted gleefully.

Draco sneered at him in response. "I expected you to keep me safe from Death Eaters! No hiding place in the middle of Siberia is going to keep them from finding me, have you forgotten Igor Karkarov? They want blood after I betrayed them!!" he replied irritably.

"Well, we are offering protection. I mean, what did you want from us, exactly?" Ron asked.

"Perhaps a room at Grimmauld Place surrounded by the brilliant Order," Draco quipped facetiously.

Am I the only one with a bloody brain?

Harry snorted merrily and shot a look at Ron who was grinning malevolently.

"Hate to break it to you Malfoy, but the Order is no longer using Grimmauld Place as its headquarters. Now that we've won the war and Shacklebolt has taken over for Scrimgeour, the Ministry and the Order have merged," Ron stated knowledgably, "of course, if you'd like to live at Grimmauld with Harry and my sister, I'm sure all you have to do is ask."

Malfoy wrinkled his nose in disgust. "And walk in on them shagging like rabid hippogriffs, I don't think so," he replied petulantly.

Harry flushed and laughed uncomfortably. Ron's face glowed bright red and he glared at Draco contemptuously. Draco leaned back in his chair and smirked at him victoriously.

That'll teach you to mess with a Malfoy, ruddy wanker.

"Actually, Draco, we do have a spot in mind for you," Harry stated casually, "it's the perfect place and no Death Eaters would ever think to look for you there."

Ron began sniggering furiously. "No Death Eater would be caught dead in there," he muttered furtively.

Draco frowned and looked from Harry to Ron apprehensively. "Where is this place?" he asked, narrowing his eyes suspiciously.

What the hell are these twits up to?

"It's a darling little establishment on the outskirts of London's West End," Harry replied, attempting to hide the elation in his voice.

"Where?" Draco growled angrily.

"Trust us, you'll be absolutely safe," Ron replied with a chuckle.

"Potter, Weasley, if you don't cut the crap and tell me where you're hiding me I'm going to-"

"Relax, Malfoy," Harry interrupted, "it's really not that bad."

"Where is it?!" he shouted furiously.

Both Harry and Ron covered their mouths with their hands and attempted to stifle their laughter. Draco was quickly loosing his patience with them and he gripped the table in front of him in frustration. Harry seemed to notice his obvious aggravation and quickly composed himself.

"The Pink Thestral," he managed with a completely straight face.

"WHAT?!"

I'm not even going to ask how you have connections here," Draco said tetchily as he and Harry made their way towards the repulsively purple building with a large pink sign in the shape of a thestral. The two men walked stealthily across the street, Harry in his perfectly appointed Auror robes and Draco squatting low under his former rival's invisibility cloak.

"Actually, you know someone who works here too," Harry replied discreetly, albeit with a cheeky grin, "a pretty, magically gifted Muggleborn with a good heart…ring any bells?"

"Who?"

"Come on Malfoy!! The brightest witch of our age…"

"Granger?"he stated incredulously, "she works here?"

"Yep, working her way through Wizarding University," Harry whispered proudly.

"Does she know that I'll be in hiding?" Draco asked curiously. It had been some time since he had seen Hermione Granger and he was suddenly very uneasy. She had always been the one witch who had affected him above all others, driving him mad in envy, irritation and, though he'd never willingly admit it out loud, lust.

"No, actually," Harry replied quickly, "and she's off today so that will ensure that she doesn't find out about this little arrangement. I'd also ask that you try your best not to reveal yourself."

Utterly fantastic…now I'm stuck in a gay night club called The Pink Thestral, surrounded by a bunch of prissy queens, and on top of it all, I have to be nice to the most infuriating witch this side of the wizarding world. Merlin's. Fucking. Pants.

"Um, alright…explain to me exactly what it is that I will be doing here?" Draco asked warily.

Harry grinned smugly and shrugged his shoulders. "I'm leaving that up to Ms. Scarlet," he replied mysteriously.

"Who the hell is Ms. Scarlet?" Draco asked crossly.

"Ms. Scarlet Wood, formerly known as Oliver," Harry said with a snort.

Draco stopped mid-stride and stared at Harry in complete shock. Harry, who was oblivious to Draco's immobility, kept walking towards the entrance to the outlandish club.

"Wait a tick," Draco said from a few feet behind Harry. Harry stopped and turned around.

"Malfoy, what the hell are you doing back there?" he asked peering at where he thought Draco might be standing.

"Did you just say Wood? As in Oliver Wood?" Draco asked in astonishment.

Harry's concerned expression quickly turned to one of complete amusement.

"Yep, apparently ol' Wood was holding out on us in school. It seems that he had quite the thing for his fellow man," Harry replied with a chuckle, "I'm just glad I never caught him looking at me in the Quidditch Changing Rooms."

Draco started laughing hysterically at the thought of Oliver Wood attempting to spy on Harry back in school. The idea was utterly preposterous. Wood had always been quite the jock and the fact that Draco was about to see him in a decidedly different fashion was strange, to say the least.

"Malfoy, shut up and move it, I don't have all day," Harry urged and began walking into the club. He discreetly held open the door for Draco and he slipped in quickly, removing the cloak from his head. The sight that greeted him was utterly bizarre.

The club was extremely large with black marble floors that sloped to an enormous seating area around a gargantuan stage. A large crystal chandelier hung over the main seating area and perfectly appointed purple tables dotted the room and were flanked with lime green leather chairs. The stage itself was bright pink and the curtains were deep purple velvet. A bar ran along the back of the room and palm trees adorned with twinkle lights dotted the walls strategically. There were several small seating areas at the far corners of the room for more intimate gatherings.

Draco stood transfixed, looking around in astonishment. He had never been to a gay club in all his life and standing in the middle of one was slightly unnerving. He glanced around at several men who were seated at the bar. They were eyeing him and Harry in a rather licentious manner and Draco immediately felt uncomfortable.

Great, just what I need, a bunch of flower picking, wrist flicking, paisley wearing nob jockies...

"Hello boys," a deep, yet slightly feminine, Scottish brogue rumbled from behind them and Draco spun around rather defensively. Harry, who had noticed the slightly apprehensive look on Draco's face, clapped a hand on his back reassuringly. Draco flinched and then sighed in relief as he realized it was just Harry.

"Relax mate, no one is going to bother you," Harry whispered and stepped forward to greet the rather large "woman" that stood before them.

Draco stared disbelievingly at their hostess. She was obviously a man dressed as a woman and she wore a denim skirt and an outlandish purple top with a massive collar. She had long brown hair and brown eyes. Her makeup was expertly applied and she smiled at Harry and Draco sweetly. At first, the woman seemed completely unrecognizable but as he took in the broad shoulders and chiseled jaw, he noticed a familiarity that had initially been overlooked. He took in her appearance and slowly began to realize that this person was most definitely someone he once knew. As he surveyed the intelligent brown eyes and warm smile, a light went on inside him. It was Oliver Wood.

"Scarlet, how are you?" Harry stated as he greeted the large woman.

"I'm fabulous, Harry, how wonderful to see you!" she replied and Harry took the hand that she had offered. Scarlet looked over at Draco and smiled goofily.

"Well, well, if it isn't Draco Malfoy. My, you certainly have grown up," Scarlet said slyly.

"Wood?" was all that Draco could muster. This situation was utterly bizarre and he was feeling a little uneasy.

"Ah, I see he still has a wonderful eye. He'd have to in order to see that tiny ball," Wood replied playfully.

Draco glanced down and then back up at Wood, an irritated look on his face. She laughed whole heartedly at his annoyed expression and shook her head.

"No, no, darling. I meant the snitch," she stated with a frightening giggle.

Draco nodded his head in understanding and stood silently with a dumbfounded expression on his face. Harry began chatting with Wood and Draco continued to peer at her in total awe. It was certainly unnerving to see a former Quidditch jock, and a rather talented one at that, standing there in a skirt. She seemed to be the same polite and kind-hearted person he remembered from school and he fought the urge to smirk at her obvious desire to aid those in need.

Bloody Gryffindor.

After some general pleasantries, she directed them to her office on the top floor of the club. Draco followed the two of them in and looked around appraisingly. Wood obviously still had a major jones for Quidditch as the entire room was decorated in the colors for Puddlemere United. Several pictures of Wood (and he did mean Oliver Wood, not Scarlet) with the team also lined the walls. Apparently Wood had given up his spot on the team in pursuit of his new lifestyle.

What a nutter.

"So, Draco, tell me what's going on," Wood's voice broke Draco from his reverie and he turned to face her casually.

"Um…well, during the War I leaked information to the Order. At the time, none of the Dark Lord's followers could figure out who it was that was leaking information on the muggle attacks. About a month ago, several Death Eaters discovered that I was the mole. I was approached by a contact last week and was advised that I've got a price on my head," he replied anxiously, "twenty thousand galleons, dead or alive. So I decided to appeal to the Order for help."

Draco preferred not to show fear to anyone, it was a sign of weakness, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

"Harry has asked that I hide you here until this blows over. Do you think that you can handle whatever I might throw at you?" Wood asked pointedly.

Sure Wood, I'd be delighted to rub tadgers with a bunch of nellies just so you can get your rocks off.

"I am up to the job," Draco replied sourly.

Although he was slightly discomfited with the idea of doing Wood's bidding, he also didn't want to loose the only chance he had at a safe hiding place. He resolved to get over the awkwardness of the situation and give everything he had in order to successfully work with Scarlet Wood.

"Fabulous," Wood answered, a wicked smirk spreading on his face. This particular expression was something that rarely graced Wood's visage. In fact, the only time Draco had ever seen it was directly following a Quidditch match in which Gryffindor had pummeled Slytherin. The appearance of such a devious idiom meant that whatever Wood had in store for Draco would be painfully mortifying.

Merlin's Great Gargantuan Knob…what the hell have I gotten myself into?

Harry smiled slyly and nodded at Draco reassuringly. This only made him more apprehensive.

Wood rose from his chair and approached a trunk at the back of her office. She opened it up and began rummaging through it. It was apparently magically enhanced because half of her body had practically disappeared before she finally found what she was looking for. She finally came up for air, a feather boa had wrapped itself around her neck and a sparkly brazier was hanging off of her ear. She pulled the items off of her and threw them back into the trunk.

She turned towards the gentlemen seated across from her and smiled slyly. As she moved forward, her sly grin transformed into a frighteningly devious expression and Draco immediately felt anxiety riddle through his entire body.

What the hell is this tosser up too?

"So, Draco, which do you fancy…B or C cup?" Wood asked mischievously and held up a pair of rubber norks in his large, calloused hands.

Shite.