I took some time out from my other fic to write this one because the plot bunny scampered into my head and refused to leave. Fortunately, this wrote itself so I could get back to my other fic quickly.

I own nothing -- not even Jemaine and Brent who make up the Conchords.

"Aww Yeah

Girl tonight we're gonna make love

You know how I know?

Because it's Wednesday

And Wednesday night is the night that we usually make love

Monday night is my night to cook

Tuesday night we go and visit your mother

But Wednesday we make sweet, weekly love"

-- "Business Time" by Flight of the Conchords

Jack takes off his dirty clothes and tosses them on the floor of his luxury flat with an amazing view of the city, but quickly has second thoughts about it and places them in the proper hamper. He flosses, brushes his teeth and even clips his nails before turning in.

However, he remembers that it is Wednesday. With a chuckle, he opens his goody drawer and takes out a whip, a fur mitt, and a couple of sex toys. He lays them all out on the bed, trying to decide what mood he's in, but ultimately he thinks to himself. It's an early night. Perhaps we'll use them all.

He takes off his robe and lies nude on the bed. But after some thought he decides to wear the coat and nothing else. A few seconds later, he decides to ditch the coat and takes out his old military hat which he holds strategically over his...

Gwen walks into the bedroom wearing a shabby, old tank top with plaid flannel pyjama bottoms. She takes one look at Jack and yawns. She notices the items on the bed and asks, "What's all this, then?"

"It's Wednesday," Jack says, lowering his voice to a Barry White-inspired purr "Come over here, and show your man some love."

Gwen sighs without enthusiasm and places the toys back in their drawer. "It's been a long day, Jack. I'm not really in the mood."

"How can you resist this?" Jack demands as he removes the hat and gives her a sly grin.

"But after that Weevil chase, I can barely keep my eyes open."

"But it's Wednesday," the Captain whines.

"All right fine," Gwen says as she crawls on the bed.

"It's business time, pretty lady. Now, tell me what your loving man can do for you."

"How about missionary?" she yawns. Gwen lies on the bed waiting impatiently for the whole ordeal to be over with as Jack leans in to kiss her...

The Captain wakes up screaming and howling like a madman. Ianto rushes into the room to sit next to him. He puts his arms around his lover to comfort him.

"It's all right," he murmurs. "It was only a dream."

Seeing the familiar face of the younger man is a relief, but Jack still has one complaint: "Where were you?"

"Getting ready for work," Ianto replies. "You rarely sleep so I thought I'd give you a couple of more minutes."

"Oh."

"What was the dream about?" the Welshman asks. "You looked genuinely terrified."

"I was going to have boring sex... with Gwen."

Ianto doubles over on the bed with laughter. Jack jumps on top of him, pinning him to the matress.

"What's so funny?" the Captain asks.

"You would be petrified by that idea."

"You wipe that smile off your face!" Jack exclaims. "Or I am going to have to wipe it off for you?"

Ianto challenges him, "What are you going to do about it?"

Jack leans in and kisses the younger man roughly on the lips. "I can keep this up for however long it takes, mister. Now stop that laughing."

"You and boring sex just don't mix," the Welshman murmurs.

"Yeah?"

Ianto runs his fingers down Jack's chest and with a chuckle, he replies, "Oh yeah."

"Then settle in, you hot young thing," the older man says in the Barry white voice. "Cause it's business time."

"Aww, yeah!" Ianto says as he opens the goody drawer.