Useless Notes: This list is based on an official study conducted by the Shinigami Women's Association. Normally, they'd keep all their findings and research all locked up and stuff, but luckily for you guys, crazyarsonist crept in and took a wee peek at their files.
Disclaimer: Bleach isn't mine. If it was, the Arrancar arc wouldn't have ended so suddenly like that. The ending was stupid! How did everyone get out of Hueco Mundo all okay and stuff? What happened to Aizen? Why'd they have to get rid of Nel (oh, that adorable little thing)? And oh yeah, why the HELL does Grimmjow have friggin' cat ears on his head? (See his released form).
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The Thing about Boys
1. Their heads are as hard as boulders.
The Fourth Division doors burst open, allowing two men to enter (quite) rudely, their faces all aglow, their smiles as wide as can be and their blood flowing freely from their chests.
"Zaraki-taichou," Isane Kotetsu greeted tiredly as she walked over to the door. "Madarame-san."
From behind her, Unohana-taichou sighed audibly, while from her front, the Eleventh
Division diehards' grins stretched even wider.
"Oi," Ikkaku greeted, raising his arm up lamely to wave.
"Looks like yer taichou ain't so glad ta see us," Kenpachi grinned, glancing behind her to see Unohana stand up to prepare her equipment.
"That's because you were here four hours ago," Isane retorted in slight annoyance.
The two men roared out in laughter, causing everyone else to shiver in fright and Isane to shake her head in frustration.
From behind her, Unohana-taichou sighed audibly.
"Right this way, gentlemen," she motioned to a room. "Again."
2. Yet, there are some cases wherein those hard shells contain nothing at all.
Soi Fon-taichou twitched.
And twitched.
And twitched.
Of all the lieutenants she could have ever hoped to receive, she had to get stuck with this one: Macheriyo Omaeda.
She didn't like him, not at all. He was big, slow and sloppy. Not to mention that he was full of hot air and highly resembled a wild boar's ass. He was everything the Second Division wasn't, so, she hated the ass with everything she had.
Unfortunately, the feeling was mutual.
"Are you sure you're my taichou?" he had asked when they first saw each other.
"Yes," she muttered through gritted teeth. "Is there a problem?"
"Well… you're kind of small," he state oh-so-intelligently. "And well… you're a girl."
Needless to say, the men and women of the Second Division had to wait for quite some time (two months to be exact) before they got to meet their new fuku-taichou.
When they did meet him, he was so tightly wrapped up in bandages and gauze, that it was no wonder why he was in such a foul mood that time. Nobody could explain however, the looks he gave to their taichou and the smirks she returned to him.
3. Booze is a man's best friend.
"Oh my darling, oh my sweet…" Kyouraku Shunsui sang, swinging his beer, a deep shade of red painting his face.
"Let's go taichou," Nanao Ise (desperately) tried to pry the bottle from his hands.
"No one could compare to you, not even the prettiest woman out there; not even the sweetest angel of Heaven…"
"You're drunk, taichou. You don't know what you're saying," she sighed.
Was he talking about her?
Her eyes snapped wide open.
"I don't know what I'm thinking," she shook her head. "Come on taichou, let go of it already. You've had more than enough of this!"
She then proceeded to try to get the bottle from his hands and pull his arm off the table. This caused a mini tug-of-war between the two and in the brief scuffle that ensued, the bottle fell from his hand and crashed onto the floor, sending droplets of beer all over the place.
"Ay Carmina!" he gasped dramatically, bringing his hands to his face. "My darling! My sweet!"
Somewhere in Nanao's head, a vein popped.
"Baka taichou," she brought her book down on Kyouraku's head.
Hard.
4. And what's with all the tattoos?
"Ne ne Rangiku-chan," Hisagi grinned over at Matsumoto, his lopsided grin proving his drunken state.
"What is it, Hisagi-kun?" she replied oh-so-sweetly, also as drunk as he was.
"What do you think about my tattoos?" he asked, pointing to his face.
"Tattoos?" the busty shinigami blinked innocently. "You mean all that crap on your face?"
Iba, who was downing his glass in a corner, spat it all out and started laughing. Hisagi's face turned into an embarrassed shade of red and he quickly tried to defend himself.
"I'll have you know that I got those while defending Izuru, Hinamori and Abarai from a Hollow way back at the Academy a long time ago!"
"Yeah, and I'm guessin' all that blue stuff is Hollow shit?" Iba continued laughing along with Matsumoto. "And what's with that 69?"
"None of your business!"
"Hmm… speaking of Renji…" Matsumoto's eyes gleamed nastily. "I wonder where all those tattoos disappear to."
"Forget about Abarai and feast your eyes on this!" Iba proudly stripped off his upper garments to show off his chest.
"Feast our eyes on what?" Hisagi grunted, still sore from the teasing he got earlier.
"This!" Iba turned around to show them his back. "It's the mother of all tattoos! How 'bout that, Rangiku-chan? Bet you've never seen anything like this before, haven't ya? I bet Abarai's-"
"Is that a cat?" Matsumoto interrupted, moving closer to take a look at it.
Hisagi who was downing his glass in a corner, spat it all out and started laughing.
"A cat!" he yelled out, pointing gleefully at Iba's back.
"It's for good luck, you ignorant dumbass!"
"Good luck for what? Against mice?!"
"Rrr… you wanna fight or what?" Iba growled, pulling out his zanpaktou.
"Anytime you wanna, you dumbfuck," Hisagi replied, throwing his beer glass to the side and pulling out his own zanpaktou.
"I'm gonna go find Renji and find out about his tattoos. You boys have fun!" Matsumoto shunpo-ed away from the table.
Both men stared dumbly after her, still frozen in attacking stances. They slowly turned to each other and made eye contact. Then, as if they were thinking the same thing (well, they were), they lowered their swords and sheathed them. They sighed loudly and sat back down to drink.
"Abarai gets all the fun all the time," Hisagi whined, dropping his head helplessly onto his palms.
Iba said nothing and poured them both a glass.
"Drink up," he offered.
Hisagi smiled up tiredly at his friend and took the glass.
5. They're all the same: tough machos on the outside, but gentle giants underneath.
"UWAAAH!" a loud wail came from inside the walls of the Eleventh Division.
"Aaaah- what's the matter now, ya brat?!" Ikkaku growled at his sniffling fuku-taichou.
"My zanpaku-thingy's too heavy to pull around," she pouted. "An' it's gettin' hard to follow Ken-chan around when it's so heavy and all."
Ikkaku cocked his head to one side and suddenly felt embarrassed about the way he had shouted at her a while ago. Yachiru looked down at her feet and sword sadly and Ikkaku knew that she wasn't faking it. He put a rough, but gentle hand on her pink head awkwardly and looked down at her in the face.
"Mind if I borrow your sword for a bit?"
Yachiru looked at him in surprise, but nodded. He grinned confidently and tussled her hair to reassure her.
The next day, he gave her back her zanpaktou, but it looked different. This time, it had-
"Wheels. So you can just roll it on the ground whenever you're out walkin' with taichou. I know it's lame as shit, but hell-"
He was interrupted midway when he felt two tiny arms reach out around his neck and squeeze it.
"Thanks, pachinko-head," she said and Ikkaku decided to let her off for calling him that. He so hated being called 'pachinko-head'.
"Sure thing, ya brat," he smiled and patted her back. "And your sword has feelings too. Don't say stuff about it bein' an ass-sore again, got it?"
She nodded into his chest and squeezed him tighter in response. He rested his chin on her tiny head and continued patting her back until Kenpachi arrived to bring her to her vice-captain's meeting.
6. But an exceptional few don't have to have muscles to prove their strength.
"Outta the way, punk," Kenpachi barked down at Byakuya, just because he felt like it. Byakuya only looked back at him with a placid look.
"Let me pass, Zaraki-taichou," was all he said.
Kenpachi scoffed. "Make me."
Then he grinned evilly and leered down at Byakuya, who was still giving him that look.
"Don't make me say it twice," he stated, still as calm as a rock. "Move."
Silence reigned between the two captains for some three minutes until…
"Che. Stupid stuck-up pain in the ass," Kenpachi grunted as he stalked away, 'accidentally' bumping into Byakuya in the process.
"Hn," Byakuya snorted, his aura of self-importance and arrogance slowly increasing. He turned to look back at the hallway (which Zaraki had already vacated) and continued walking towards his destination.
7. They are so cute when they're being overprotective.
"Eh?!" Matsumoto exclaimed in shock. "Iba! Hisagi-kun! Renji! Taichou?!"
"Can't help it, Rangiku-chan," Hisagi smirked, wiping the dust and blood off his hands.
"Aa," Iba agreed, flexing his muscles. "The fucker was grabbin' at ya like hell, ya know?"
"He's right," Renji nodded, looking down at their victim. "We weren't about to let anyone do that to you now, weren't we, Matsumoto-san?"
"Aww…" she smiled widely. "Well wasn't that just sweet of you guys!"
At that, the three lieutenants blushed deeply and laughed nervously as they scratched the back of their heads.
"Whatever," Hitsugaya scoffed. "I'll see you at work Matsu-"
"Oh taichou!!" she squealed, locking him in a tight hug. "You are so cute!"
8. Not all men are big and strong. Some are just big.
"And as proud members of the Second Division- the stealth force of Soul Society if I may add- you are all expected to carry out your duty and uphold the morals and virtues that come along with being in this division. We are stealthy, silent and swift. We depend on each other and furthermore-"
"TAICHOUUUU!" a loud voice interrupted Soi Fon's welcoming-day speech for her new recruits. "All my rice crackers are gone!"
She paused only momentarily, breathed in some air and counted to ten. Then, she turned around to face her audience, who had already started whispering about the noise.
"And furthermore, you are not- I repeat- not to imitate certain people in this division who do nothing but-"
"TAICHOU!!"
"… Excuse me," she said and sped off to find Omaeda.
9. They can be so brave when bragging to friends, but chicken out when they have to prove it.
"Ah, I'm telling you, Jyu-chan," Kyouraku said, swinging his bottle of sake. "Nanao-chan is the best fuku-taichou anyone could ever ask for."
"So I've heard," Ukitake replied, calmly sipping his cup of tea.
"One of these days, I'm going to confess to her."
"Mm-hmm."
"I'm going down on one knee and tell her that she's the most beautiful woman ever. I'm going to tell her that there is just no way she can refuse me and then, she'll say yes. After that, we'll get married, have lots of babies and then… life is good. What do you think, Jyu-chan?"
"Well, it'll all boil down to whether you can do it or not- ne Shunsui?"
"What are you talking about Jyu-chan," Kyouraku chuckled. "Of course I'll do it. In fact, I'll tell Nanao-chan right this very-"
"Tell me what, taichou?"
Kyouraku whirled around in surprise and saw Nanao standing behind him, wearing a confused look on her face.
"AAH!" he shrieked. "Nanao-chan!"
Ukitake smiled in amusement behind his cup and shook his head in mock exasperation as Kyouraku was trying to come up with another excuse to explain himself.
Kyouraku wasn't going to tell Nanao just yet, Ukitake knew. It would take some time, but Ukitake was willing to wait. He wanted to see how this would turn out.
10. Sometimes, they don't.
"A'right, that's IT!" Renji roared at the people who were laughing at his table. Geez, some friends they were.
"If y'all don't wanna believe what I said earlier, shut up an' watch; Imma prove it to y'all myself!"
The laughter died down almost immediately as it had started. Renji, heavily rigged with beer, fixed a steady and determined gaze on Rukia, who was seated right across him.
Then, as if possessed, he leaned forward (disregarding the overturned bottles on the table), grabbed her shirtfront (disregarding the looks they were giving him) and smacked his lips onto hers.
Those watching the couple kissing on the table immediately came to life as they hooted, whistled and shouted words of encouragement.
They finally broke the kiss and Renji (who didn't see the surprised look in Rukia's eyes) crashed his left foot down on the table and yelled out in pride.
"There ya have it, ya motherfuckers; I love Rukia an' I kissed her as proof. What else do ya want-"
He never did get to finish, as Rukia had also leaned forward (disregarding the sticky liquid that was staining her hands), grabbed his shirtfront (disregarding the jeering that had escalated in volume) and kissed him hard on the lips, much to the delight of everyone present.
11. Some hardly even talk at all.
"Kuchiki-taichou!" a cheery Matsumoto greeted loudly as she pranced into his office. "Good morning!"
"Matsumoto-fukutaichou," he greeted without even looking up from his paperwork. "What do you want?"
She pouted, a little annoyed at his rudeness.
"Well if you must know, I'm in a little trouble. But it's not because of Hitsugaya-taichou; I mean, he is the nicest taichou ever, isn't he?"
Silence.
"Well anyway, point is, it's for a poll the Shinigami Women's-"
"I'm not interested."
"Mou… why not?"
Silence.
"Ne ne Kuchiki-taichou, why not? Come on, you can tell me…"
More silence.
She could feel a vein coming out on her forehead.
Okay, that was it!
"How does Renji work with you around? He's always got a big mouth at all those drinking sessions and here you are; his taichou, sitting there, signing papers and not saying anything at all. It's really-"
"Renji will show you the way out, Matsumoto-fukutaichou. I believe you know where to find him."
"Oh, so now you talk to me, eh? I swear, I'm going to-"
"Out, Matsumoto-fukutaichou," he ordered, already standing up from his chair. But she crossed her arms and stuck her nose up in the air stubbornly.
"Don't make me say it twice. Senbonzakura doesn't deserve to be tainted by your blood."
Matsumoto scoffed. "You wouldn't seriously-" she paused as she caught the flash in his eyes.
This was not good.
"-hurt a pretty fukutaichou like me- Good day, Kuchiki-taichou!"
And with that, she shunpo-ed right out of his office.
12. And some others just don't know when to shut up.
"Ah, good afternoon, Ukitake-taichou! How was your nap?"
"Just fine, Kotsubaki. Thanks for-"
"AAAH taichou, that's not FAIR!!" a loud voice rang out through the halls of the Thirteenth Division. Both men winced visibly at the sudden noise.
"Why are you talking to KOTSUBAKIIII??"
"There's no need to yell, Kotetsu," Ukitake sweatdropped as he looked down at a sweating Kiyone.
"Yeah Kotetsu," Kotsubaki sneered. "No need to be sore about it."
"Well at least I don't have a stupid beard hanging on my face."
"Stupid beard?!" he roared. "What has that got to do with anything?"
"Oh it was nothing Kotsubaki," the third seat smirked. "No need to be sore about it."
"What did you just say?!" the other third seat bellowed, his veins already popping out.
"Oooh Kotsubaki, look at those veins on your head," she pointed. "It's gonna make you look older, you know. Can't you put them back in?"
"As if that were easy to do, you dumbass! And who are you callin' old, huh? Have you looked in a mirror lately, Kotetsu? 'Cos I swear-"
"Ne taichou, is he noisy or what?" she snickered and turned around to face Ukitake.
… Who was not there. He had left ever since they started arguing.
"… stupid, short, dumbass women… You don't know shit, Kotetsu! Man I swear, you are the most… "
But she had already gone in search of her taichou.
Meanwhile, Kotsubaki went on rambling, never really noticing that they had gone, until one of the lower-ranked squad members nervously came up to him and asked who he was talking to.
He yelled out a few random curses (most of them directed at Kiyone) and stalked out of the hallway in a huff.
13. Blood gets them excited.
"An' then, I swing Hozakimaru down on the fucker, an' then BOOM! Hollow blood an' guts on the battlefield."
"Fuck man, that was great," Iba remarked. "What'd taichou say?"
"The usual," Ikkaku shrugged. "'Outta the way Ikkaku! I'm gonna slice down this fucker an' have me some fun!'"
Everyone listening (Renji, Iba and Hisagi) whooped and hooted with laughter. Those who weren't (Matsumoto, Yumichika and Kira) didn't.
"Ugh, how can they stand talking about things like that?" Yumichika started. "It's definitely not beautiful."
"Yeah," Matsumoto nodded. "And doing it in front of the beer too."
Kira only sighed and looked over at the rowdy group of friends. Sometimes, he found himself wondering what it would feel like to share stories like that to guys like them. He would often imagine himself telling these stories to them and them howling and whooping with laughter and enjoyment.
But since he didn't kill anybody out of fun ever, that dream of his never did come true.
"The most blood I ever fuckin' saw," Iba started. "Was when I was still in the Eleventh. Well, there were these motherfuckers hangin' around in some district who were tryin' to fuck with the fukutaichou."
"Hah, I know this one!" Ikkaku chortled.
"Ssh!" Renji and Hisagi hissed.
"An' when I saw 'em tryin' ta do that, I said 'That's my fukutaichou yer manhandlin', you fuckers!' Now, ya woulda thought that I cut them all down afta'wards, but guess what: that little pink ball made it out all right! She cut 'em all down an' left me on the sidelines, not even leavin' me one a' 'em ta cut down.
"An' that's when I saw her really happy. An' I don't mean that ooh-I've-got-candy happy, no, man. She was crazy, I swear; really motherfuckin' happy. She cut 'em all down and smiled through it all. Man, she's crazy!"
"Taichou brought her up well," Ikkaku commented.
"Aa, that's true," Iba agreed, raising his glass.
"The most blood I ever saw was mine," Renji quietly added. "'Twas when Ichigo, taichou and Aizen roughed me up when Rukia was about to be executed."
Silence hung over them as Renji traced the scars on his chest with his eyes. Even the other (sober) group turned around to look at him.
"Fuck," Ikkaku said, breaking the silence.
"Thank God we pulled through," he muttered silently.
"Now you guys won't believe this,' Hisagi hurriedly changed the topic. "But I was able to make someone bleed without even havin' to lift my zanpaktou."
"Now there's a story!" Iba cheered. "The hell didja do that?"
"It was way back at the Academy," he started. "I was a third year then an' I was walkin' down a hallway. You follow?"
The three nodded their heads eagerly.
"An' then, alluvasudden, this female freshman passes by me, looks at me an' before I knew it, she starts nosebleedin' on the spot."
"You asshole, that doesn't count!" Ikkaku laughed.
"You're the ladies' man now, eh Hisagi?" Renji sniggered, elbowing his friend lightly.
"Ah shaddup," he grinned.
"I wanna make Rangiku-chan noseblee-"Iba was cut off as a beer mug came flying at his face.
"Ow fuck!" he winced, setting the offending mug on the table. "That hurt!"
"Good, it was supposed to," Matsumoto smirked and stuck out her tongue.
"HAHA!" Ikkaku laughed. "Iba got hit by a gir-" he was cut off as a beer mug came flying at his face.
"Yumichika!" he yelled. "Fuck man, that hurt!"
"Don't make fun of Matsumoto-san like that Ikkaku. It isn't beautiful."
"Oi, you guys," Hisagi said, grabbing their attention. "Your noses…"
Renji pointed. "They're bleedin'."
14. Men demand respect, but this doesn't mean you should give it so willingly.
"Ne ne, Byakuya-chan," a voice said from behind. "Look at what I can do!"
Byakuya cautiously turned around, a little bit of fear starting to build up inside. After all, this woman was known to play tricks on people and even nobles like Byakuya were no exception. But come to think of it, she was a noble too…
Well anyway, he turned around and was suddenly greeted by a huge cloud of smoke and a small black cat sitting calmly in the middle of it all. He raised an eyebrow.
"Aw don't wet your pants just yet, rich kid," it purred mischievously. "The show ain't over yet."
And with that, another huge cloud of smoke appeared and in the middle stood a full-blown naked woman; enough to make any man (or girl, if you include Soi Fon) nosebleed to death.
Byakuya's eyes widened. This was the first time he ever saw a woman this up-close and personal (he hadn't met Hisana yet) and frankly, the poor noble felt frightened.
"Oi, you okay?" Yoruichi asked worriedly as she moved towards him, forgetting the fact that she was still standing stark naked in front of a respectable noble like Kuchiki Byakuya.
"Keep- please keep your distance, Yoruichi-san," he muttered and shunpo-ed away in a dignified manner (if there ever was one). Unfortunately, it turned out to be less dignified as he hoped he would be, since his facial expression was like that of a boy who has just seen a monster in all it's (naked) glory and lived.
Yoruichi caught the dark blush on his cheeks as he left and she chuckled, turned into a cat and went off to find Urahara.
15. In some cases though, it would be better to do as you're told.
"Ne ne Nemu-san," Kiyone tugged on Nemu's sleeve excitedly. "What do you think?"
She then put on the earrings and showed them to the Twelfth Division fukutaichou.
"They're… nice, Kotetsu-san," she smiled faintly. "They fit."
"Really?!" she beamed. "I knew it! And after Kotsubaki told me that they looked like shi-"
"Ah Nemu," called a familiar voice. "There you are."
"Mayuri-sama," she bowed.
"Isn't he your dad?" Kiyone whispered nervously.
"That is correct, Kotetsu-san," Nemu nodded. "He is the one who created me and the one who-"
"Hurry up, Nemu!" he barked impatiently. "Stop wasting your time and come with me. There are more important things to attend to than this."
Nemu lowered her head sadly and gave Kiyone an apologetic look. Then, she lifted her eyes up to Mayuri.
"Forgive me, Mayuri-sama."
"Let's go then."
"Hai, Mayuri-sama."
But Kiyone wasn't about to allow her friend's father to get away with what he did to Nemu.
"Now listen here, Kurotsuchi-taichou," she started to follow them. Nemu turned around sharply with nothing but fear and shock on her face.
"Eh?" he turned around to face Kiyone. "What have I been telling you about mingling with people like these, Nemu? Didn't I tell you that they are too low for your status? You're a lieutenant; they are unranked soldiers. There is a world of difference between the two of you, which is why you are not to stay with these kinds of people. Understand?"
Nemu only lowered her head in shame.
"Kurotsuchi-taichou, I'm going to be honest with you," Kiyone huffed, placing her hands on her hips. "You are such a total bastard to Nemu-san. She does everything you tell her to and yet, you still hit her around like she wasn't a person at all!"
Mayuri's eyes darted to his side, where he saw Nemu squirming and fidgeting uncomfortably.
"Mayuri-sama-"
"Shut up," he growled and turned back to Kiyone.
"You," she pointed a finger at him. "You owe her an apolo-"
"Put down your finger woman," he ordered and released his reiatsu. "Or else I will slice it off from your hand."
Kiyone immediately dropped her arm and stared at him, eyes wide in panic (Where was that hot-headed, assertive Kotsubaki when you needed him?). Nemu's eyes darted from her father to her friend and back again. The tension between the two was growing; she could not stand it.
"Hmph," Mayuri snorted. "Let's go, Nemu."
"But Mayuri-sama-"
"Shut up," he snarled dangerously. "Let's go."
Then, he moved on ahead while Nemu followed cautiously from behind. She stopped in her tracks and turned back to face Kiyone, who was still frozen from her traumatic experience with Mayuri from earlier.
"I'm sorry, Kotetsu-san."
Kiyone only nodded mutely in reply, while Nemu nodded back and started to run towards her father.
16. Each male is attractive in his own way.
Ichigo is rude, hot-headed, impulsive, brash, arrogant, impatient and stubborn. But on the other hand, he can be sweet, cute, understanding, nice, dependable and trustworthy.
Renji was exactly the same.
But she only has to choose one.
Why was life being so damn unfair to Rukia?
17. No matter how vulgar he seems to be, he will always treat you with respect.
Ever since Soul Society had gotten scared and panick-y in the height of the whole ryoka-breaking-in news, everything was in total chaos. The Fourth Division was no exception.
Madarame Ikkaku, third seat of the Eleventh Division (and a frequent visitor to their clinics), had been particularly unbearable the whole time he had stayed at their clinic. He had done nothing but lie down on his bed, whine about losing to a mere ryoka and order sake from everyone around. Unfortunately, those working in the Fourth Division also happened to be strong alcohol haters and so, they didn't have any sake nearby. When Ikkaku found that out, his eyes fired up and demanded why they didn't have any goddamned booze on them.
What happened afterwards is too graphic to be told. Let's just say that the Fourth Division had a sudden increase in patients that day and ever since, they made it a point to always, always have a jug of sake next to Madarame Ikkaku's bed.
Today was an ordinary day as any other for Isane Kotetsu, proud lieutenant of the Fourth Division. She walked over to Ikkaku's room to do her routine checkup and entered.
She was surprised to find him already putting on his uniform and putting his zanpaktou in his belt.
"Madarame-san, you're not supposed to be-"
"Yeah, yeah I know," he said. "But I feel fine already. Honest."
"But your wounds aren't fully healed yet. It would do you good to lie down and rest until this whole thing is over."
He laughed out loud at that.
"Rest until this whole thing is over?" he turned around to face her (he had been facing the window the whole time). "Don't ya know? Something big's gonna happen. I can feel it."
"Yes, but you have to sit down and rest."
"Nope," he shook his head. "I can feel taichou's reiatsu from here and from what I can tell, he's gettin' all excited. Must be facing some pretty strong ryoka; their reiatsus sure are strong… "
"Madarame-san, I insist. Please sit down and-"
"There's two of 'em…" his expression turned serious all of a sudden. "No, wait… four of 'em…"
"Madarame-san, I-"
"Iba 'n Hisagi?! The fuck are they doin' with the ryoka?!"
Isane opened her mouth to try and complete her interrupted sentences, but before she could open her mouth, she finally felt the same way Ikkaku was feeling. She felt it too; four familiar reiatsus, two of them belonging to Iba and Hisagi and the other two belonging to…
"Tousen-taichou and Komamura-taichou!"
"Huh?"
"The other two people with Iba-fukutaichou and Hisagi-fukutaichou."
"Ya mean taichou's not fightin' ryokas?"
"No," Isane said worriedly. "But that doesn't make the situation any better; Zaraki-taichou's up against two captains. It's impossible for him to win."
"My taichou can beat anybody's ass," Ikkaku muttered, but he remembered hearing the news of Kenpachi losing to a ryoka (the same one who had kicked Ikkaku's butt, coincidentally) and suddenly, he wasn't so sure.
"You… you must go, Madarame-san," Isane whispered. "Go help your captain."
He turned around to face her with a surprised look on his face.
"A-aa," he nodded slowly and looked at her in a confused manner. "But-"
"It's all right," she smiled. "I'm sure Unohana-taichou'd tell you the same thing, were she in my place. Go, Madarame-san, your captain needs you."
"My taichou doesn't need anybody," Ikkaku grinned madly. "He can take care of those pansies himself, but I'd never forgive him if he didn't leave anyone for me ta fuck with."
He paused momentarily and quietly added: "An' besides, Iba 'n Hisagi are there, the stupid assholes…"
She had nothing to say to that.
"What the hell," he stood up straighter and threw Isane an informal salute. "I'm off, doc. See ya around."
Isane smiled. "Take care of yourself, Madarame-san. I don't want to see you here again when all this is over."
"You keep tellin' yourself that, Kotetsu-fukutaichou, you keep tellin' yourself that," he smirked and leaped onto his windowsill. "Take care a' yourself too. Healers don't get injured, ya know."
"I will, Madarame-san. Thank you."
"Ah whatever. Thanks for the sake."
And with that, he jumped off the window and landed on the ground. Isane leaned over and saw Yumichika run alongside Ikkaku. The pretty shinigami must've felt the immense burst of reiatsu too and snuck out of his room somehow to follow his bald friend.
She smiled and walked out the room to check up on how everyone else was doing.
Who would have thought that even Madarame Ikkaku of the Eleventh Division had enough manners and respect to say 'Thank you' to a Fourth Division lieutenant like her? Who would have thought that someone from the Eleventh Division was concerned enough to say 'Take care' to a member of the Fourth Division?
It was a pleasant surprise and Isane decided to tell Unohana-taichou all about it later. She'd probably be as surprised as she was.
But knowing her, she probably won't.
18. He hates it when he sees you sad.
Nothing in the Thirteenth Division was going right. A routine mission against a new kind of Hollow had gone disastrously wrong a few nights ago. In the skirmish, a huge number of their soldiers were killed, including their lieutenant, Shiba Kaien.
The funeral services had just ended for the day and Kiyone was the last one to leave her lieutenant's grave. The funeral service was nice, she supposed; touching words were said for the brave deceased by Ukitake-taichou and the remaining squad members gave their dead comrades their flowers, prayers and tears.
A lot of things had happened since the gathering ended: Ukitakte-taichou looked sicker than usual, the entire squad was in a state of confusion and depression and Kuchiki Rukia-san was nowhere to be found.
She let out a sigh and buried her face into her palms. She was just so tired.
But then, a strong, rough hand clamped down on her shoulder and Kiyone looked up, expecting to see Ukitake-taichou. But no, it was Kotsubaki. This was the first time both had laid eyes on the other since the day started.
She turned around and saw him dripping wet (since when had it started raining?) with a tired and worried expression on his face.
"Oi Kotetsu," he finally said, with sadness and fatigue underlining his words. So Shiba-fukutaichou's death made an impact on her usually loud and rowdy rival, just like what it did to her.
Normally, the two would exchange insults and threats whenever they were a fifty-mile radius of each other, but now, they were reduced to this: silent and facing the other (but not looking at each other), sharing a few moments of friendly silence. For them, the quiet was already enough; it said everything they needed to hear.
"Kotsubaki," she said softly.
"Wanna go grab some lunch?" he asked nervously. "My treat."
She smiled, stood up and took his outstretched hand. Together they walked under the rain, leaving all their sadness and worries behind at Shiba Kaien's grave.
For Kiyone, she wouldn't have it any other way.
19. He shows you he cares in very different ways.
A lot of firsts happened to Rukia today.
For the newly-christened Kuchiki, it was the first time to see her brother this close. It was the first time she had ever been in a house this huge. It was also her first time to see this much food.
However, she wasn't eating any of it.
From across her, she saw her brother's intense fixed on her.
"Rukia," he said. "Why are you not eating?"
"Kuchiki-sa- Nii-sama, I…" she muttered, looking down at her plate. "I-I'm not hungry."
"Why?"
"Because I… I've never had this much food before and it'd seem rude if I-"
"Ridiculous," he snorted. "You aren't living in the slums anymore Rukia; you are a noble. And as long as you are a noble and a Kuchiki, you will eat."
"But Nii-sama-"
"Eat," he ordered. "You will not go hungry today Rukia; not in this household. As long as I am your brother, I will make sure that you are to be taken well-care of. Remember that."
"H-hai, Nii-sama," she nodded quickly and picked up her utensils to begin slicing her food.
Byakuya was still looking at her even after she put the food in her mouth.
"It- It's good, Nii-sama."
He said nothing, but he nodded, and then turned to his own plate to finish his dinner.
20. Different sides, different personalities, but one thing's for sure: men are pretty okay people after all.
It was a night just like any other and the moon saw Unohana Retsu of the Fourth Division walk back to her quarters. She had just finished taking care of the injured Eighth and Ninth Division shinigami after a routine Hollow checkup had gone wrong. Luckily, the problem was resolved and the Fourth Division healers were called to take care of the wounded.
Unohana was walking back to the Fourth Division after taking care of her patients (who still had to be moved from the battlefield) and it was clear that her last mission had taken its toll on her.
She suddenly stopped in her tracks as a rather large shadow covered almost the entire street.
"Good evening," she greeted politely.
"Unohana-taichou," the shadow said loudly. By the way it stood and spoke, it was clear that he had had too much to drink.
"The name's Sanada," he slurred. "I'm fro' the Eleventh."
"Well Sanada-san, it's a long way from your division," she replied calmly. "What are you doing here by the Sixth Division?"
"No'hin. Jezz hangin' out wi' some ol' friends fro' way back."
"Well isn't it about time you went back to your quarters?"
"I guess…" he put a finger to his chin. Then, as if struck by the most brilliant idea in the world, he suddenly exclaimed, his eyes open wide.
"Say, you wanna go home wi' me?"
"I'm sure you can get home just fine by yourself, Sanada-san," she answered, eyeing the man carefully, since he was already starting to move towards her.
"Naw, you're supposed ta go wi' me," he said. "Yer a doctor, remember? What'll happen if I get hurt or somethin' on the way back?"
"Then I will just have to see you tomorrow, Sanada-san."
"Ya know," he said dangerously to an unflinching Unohana. "I really like the way ya say my name. Say it again, will ya? Come on, just once fer-"
"Oi."
Sanada turned around at the voice and his annoyance quickly gave way to fear.
"Who the hell- taichou!"
Unohana looked up (she had been eyeing the man's feet this whole time).
"I-I wasn't doin' nothin'! I swear I-"
"Scram."
"H-hai!"
The drunken shinigami then ran away as fast as his feet would take him. Kenpachi scowled at the disappearing shadow and turned to face Unohana.
"Oi."
"Zaraki-taichou," she smiled, releasing her hand from her zanpaktou.
"You okay?"
"Yes. Thank you."
"Whatever."
He scrubbed the back of his head nervously and his uncovered eye was jumping all over the place. Unohana smiled in amusement at the sight of the fight-hungry Eleventh Division captain acting like a schoolboy.
He lowered his head and muttered something to his feet.
"I beg your pardon, Zaraki-taichou?"
"I said," he brought his head back up to look her in the eyes. "Would you like me to fuckin' walk you back to your division?"
She smiled and nodded. "Aa. It will be a pleasure, Zaraki-taichou."
He nodded back and the two walked side by side into the night.
"Don't be too hard on Sanada-san. People do the strangest things when they're drunk."
He paused for a while before replying.
"I'll try."
"Thank you, Zaraki-taichou."
"Whatever."
They said nothing more after that, but just walking beside each other on that warm night; just feeling each other's presence more than made up for their lack of words.
21. Emphasis on the "pretty".
"The hell does Yumichika do ta make all the girls like him?" Iba suddenly asked, causing his friends to stop talking.
"The hell are you talkin' about?" Renji asked, his arms still around Kira's neck in another one of his 'friendly' noogies.
"All the girls in this whole fuckin' Thirteen Squads like the bastard- even Rangiku-chan," he moaned.
"I know, I know," Hisagi nodded sadly.
"I don't get it," Kira said, successfully breaking free from Renji's noogie.
"Well of course ya wouldn't get it," Iba retorted. "You ain't interested in girls like us!"
"True, true," Hisagi nodded.
"What I do know is that Iba-san and Hisagi-san are pretty envious of Ayasegawa-san since all of the women we know in the Gotei 13 seem to like him a lot," Kira thought out loud. "Am I correct?"
"Exactly right my man!" Renji hooted, clapping Kira hard on the back.
"We're not 'pretty envious' of him," Hisagi said, shaking his head.
"We're fuckin' envious of him, that's what!" Iba agreed.
"Maybe he's doin' somethin' you're not," Renji suggested.
"He's right," Hisagi nodded, considering Renji's suggestion. "What is he doing that we're not?"
"No fuckin' clue," Iba shrugged. "But whatever it is, I'mma do it too. If the girls like him because o' that, then they'll love me if I do whatever he's doin'!"
"Me too," Hisagi grinned, already imagining Matsumoto "ooh-ing" and "ahh-ing" over him.
"Oi Ikkaku!" Iba called the bald shinigami who had been quietly sipping his beer since the conversation started.
Ikkaku looked up.
"The hell does Yumichika do wi' all the ladies?"
Ikkaku smirked broadly.
"Ya sure ya wanna know?"
"Yeah, come on!" Hisagi yelled. "Don't keep all the secrets to yourself man! Tell us so we can do it too!"
"Well," Ikkaku started. "Yumichika does pedicures, manicures, massages, make-up, hairdos and- the hell's with that look? I thought you guys wanted to know?"
Across him were Iba and Hisagi, mouths wide open and their beer glasses unused on the floor. Beside them were Renji, who was laughing as hard as he can and Kira, who was trying his best to hold in his giggle.
"Iba an' Hisagi… PEDICURE! Pfft!" Renji laughed.
"And manicures and make-up and hairdos." Unfortunately, Kira failed at keeping in his giggle.
"Shut it you two," Hisagi grumbled.
"Fuck the bastard to hell," Iba grunted. "No way I'm doin' that!"
"Me neither," Hisagi scowled. "Fuck, man."
Ikkaku, meanwhile, had joined Renji and Kira in their laughfest.
"What if they put up their own shop?" Ikkaku laughed, slinging an arm around Renji.
"Yeah, I can see it now…" Renji spread his arms. "'Iba an' Hisagi's Make-up, Manicure an' Pedicure. Open 24-7.'"
"'With free hairdo on Sundays'," Kira added, causing the other two to laugh harder.
"Ah shaddup," Iba muttered, but it wasn't long before he and Hisagi had joined in the laughter as well.
22. More emphasis on the "okay".
Renji was an idiot.
He was an idiot for making fun of her at Rukongai when they were still kids. He was an idiot for stepping on her foot the whole time they were dancing at the annual Shinigami Academy Ball. He was an idiot for leaving her behind for new friends
He was an idiot for leaving her alone when she desperately needed him most. He was an idiot for letting her go so easily to Byakuya. He was an idiot for going with her brother to arrest her and bring her back to Soul Society.
He was an idiot for fighting Ichigo on his own. He was an idiot for facing Byakuya knowing that he would lose. He was an idiot for coming back to save her.
And yet, here he was, standing bravely and faithfully with her in his arms, stubbornly refusing Aizen to put her down and leave her behind. His voice was raspy, his arm was bloody and his heart was beating as fast as hers.
And that's when Rukia realized that she was an idiot for not seeing Renji for who he really was before. She was an idiot for telling him to put her down and comply with Aizen's wishes. She was an idiot for not being able to do anything for Renji.
He was an idiot for defying his superior. He was an idiot for telling her to shut up. He was an idiot who just refused to quit.
But that was okay with Rukia.
They would just have to be idiots together until their very last moment. He was holding on to her and she was clinging on to him, both promising the other that they would never let go no matter what.
That was all that mattered.
23. Although we're still not sure about the "people" part.
"Renji," Kira shuddered behind his friend's back.
"Oi, come on Kira, they're pretty excited ta meet you!"
"But Renji…"
"What's wrong?" he asked, turning back to face his friend.
"No-nothing, it's just that… are you sure you got the right people?"
Renji followed his friend's panicked gaze into the bar and saw four shinigami gathered around a table, shouting and drinking to their hearts' contents. By the looks of things, three of them were already pretty drunk and all of them were cussing and swearing at almost every little detail on the face of the planet.
Renji turned back to Kira with a puzzled expression on his face.
"What do you mean 'got the right people'? Of course I got the right people!" Renji boasted somewhat proudly. "There's Ikkaku-san, Iba-san, Ayasegawa-san an' Hisagi-senpai… you do remember Hisagi-senpai, right?"
"Of course I do Renji, we're both lieutenants."
"Oh. Well."
"I'm afraid I'm not familiar with the other two though."
"Oh, them?" Renji pointed to Ikkaku and Yumichika. "They're old squad mates from the Eleventh."
Kira looked at his feet nervously.
"Why do you want me to meet them so much?"
"Because, dumbass, you're my friend," Renji sighed, placing his hands on Kira's shoulders. "And they're my friends. And as stated by the rules, friends of a guy should know each other an' become buddies."
Kira looked up.
"What rules?"
Renji grinned and shook his head. "Doesn't matter."
"So, you wanna meet 'em or not?"
"I'll give it a shot then," he shrugged. "But Renji, if they don't like me, I swear, I'm going to-"
"Oi guys!"
"Renji!"
"You asshole, I thought you were paying today!"
"Ah shaddup Iba. Don't have ta take the fun out of everything, you know."
"Who's the kid?"
"This here is my good buddy Kira Izuru. We've been mates since we were at the Academy an' in case ya bastards don't know, he's lieutenant of the Third Division."
"Yeah, I remember Kira." Hisagi pointed a finger at him.
"Well of course you do, Hisagi. You were at the Academy with them, remember?" Iba retorted.
"I fuckin' know he's a lieutenant of the Third Division, ya fuck. Don't say shit we already know." Ikkaku snapped at Renji.
"Oh don't mind Ikkaku, Kira-kun. He's running on a short fuse today." Yumichika smiled.
"You're fuckin' damn right I am!"
"Now, now Ikkaku, yer scaring the kid." Iba said.
"Oi Kira, you okay?" Hisagi looked over at Kira, who was sweating and nervously looking at his feet.
"You bastards, look at what you did to my buddy!" Renji growled.
"No, no Renji," Kira looked up. "I'm fine."
Everyone looked at Kira.
"… I actually think I might like it here."
"Attaboy Kira!"
"Oi, bartender, one more glass over here!"
"Drink up, man."
"Oi kid. Name's Ikkaku. Third seat of the Eleventh. Nice ta meet ya an' all that shit."
"A-anou… Same here, Ikkaku-san."
"Welcome to the club, Kira-kun. From now on, you're one of us."
Kira smiled up at Yumichika. He glanced over to Renji, but the redhead was being attacked by Iba and Hisagi, so he wasn't able to catch his glance.
He turned back to his glass and drank his beer. He wasn't used to it; he coughed and instantly turned red and for this, he was laughed at by the five men. But it was okay with him. They may have been the people he had least expected to befriend, but for such a scary group of thugs, they were surprisingly friendly.
Kira smiled sheepishly at everyone around and he could feel the liquor already going up to his brain, but when they poured him another glass, he put his hand on it and downed its contents in one sip. They cheered him on and at that moment, Kira finally felt that he had found a true set of friends; the type who'd never leave you behind ever.
Sure, they drank and cussed and swore all in the same day, but Kira didn't mind. As long as they were his friends, their habits would never be an issue to him.
24. But once you get used to them, you'll learn to love them for who they are.
It was another ordinary day at the Eighth Division and Nanao was in her office, doing the paperwork. Both stacks of it.
She sighed and pushed her glasses up her nose.
Some things never change.
Her captain had gone out hours ago on one his usual morning walks (which were usually morning naps) and had brought a jug of sake with him on his way out, leaving her to do the paperwork. As usual.
She put a piece of paper on top of the "Finished" pile. Good. Only forty two more papers to go.
Her hand reached over for the next piece of paper, but a cheery knock on the door interrupted her.
"Nanao-chan," an all-too familiar voice called from outside.
"Kyouraku-taichou," she answered from the table.
"Come on outside, Nanao-chan; it's such a pretty day today!"
"But taichou-"
"Ne, ne come on, Nanao-chan. You're wasting the sunshine!"
She smiled and put down her pen.
Some things never change.
"I'll be right out, taichou."
25. Or not.
"Ne, ne taichou."
"Omaeda."
"Guess what?"
"…"
"I found my rice crackers, taichou! Isn't it great?"
Soi Fon looked up, only to find not only her lieutenant, but also brown bits and pieces of his rice crackers falling from his mouth.
"OMAEDA!"
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A/N: If the Shinigami Women's Association finds out that I've been sneaking into their files, they'll kill me.
Please review!