Disclaimer: Alas I do not own Mass Effect, Mass Effect is the property of Bioware Inc.

Authors note:

1) I'd like to thank AblatedCrayon for his help and guidance, without which this story would have never been told.

2) The spellings of certain words are in Queen's English.

Guilt

By

Nameless227

The captain's cabin was dark, quiet, and at first glance empty. Beside her bed, curled up in a

ball of pain, Lilith Shepard rocked backwards and forwards in anguish, silent tears leaving a

glistening trail down her ashen face.

Kaidan was dead, atomized in the explosion that had destroyed Saren's secret base on Virmire.

Dead because she'd had to make the choice between saving one life or saving many. The choice of

saving a man who was a good friend, who'd wanted to be more than just a friend; a man who had

overcome his own reticence and his personal demons, to reach out for some human contact.

Lilith wished she'd handled her rejection of his advances better; she'd meant to be gentle,

but her words had been poorly chosen and harsher than she'd intended. She'd watched him retreat

into himself again, shutting her out; a wounded animal licking his wounds, but she couldn't have

pretended, couldn't have tried to feel something for him she didn't, could she?

After Noveria, he'd thawed a little and let her get a bit closer again. Maybe it was because

she'd let the Rachni Queen live and shown regret after the death of Matriarch Benezia. Perhaps he

had seen that she could care, have empathy, and show remorse. Now Lilith would never know and

could never ask, but his slight thawing had been enough to give her hope that with time they might

be able to resume their friendship.

The tears fell faster now; her trim frame racked with tremors. The rocking quickened as she began to quietly sob.

The other choice had been the many; the team she had sent to take out the last AA

emplacement, a team of salarians along with Ash. The team's job was to make the skies safe for the

Normandy to land and evacuate everyone before the nuke went off. The choice of saving an

infiltrator squad who'd done their job well and without complaint, who'd vowed to hold the line, no

matter the cost.

The team with which Ash had gone. Ash, who was a friend to equal Kaidan, the person

Lilith went to when she needed to hear an opinion from the heart. The woman with whom Lilith had

so much in common and yet was so different. Ash, who had a wry sense of humour—almost too wry—who

had worked hard not only to rise above her family history, but to overcome the xenophobic reaction

she'd first had with Wrex, Garrus, Tali, and Liara.

The sobs became a keening moan, the tremors more intense. Lilith's head banged against the cabin wall whenever she rocked back.

The needs of the many had outweighed the needs of the few, the one. It was at the core of

Spectre doctrine and a decision that Lilith had made with only a moment's hesitation. She'd raced

to the tower with Tali and Wrex to give aid to the many. That had been her choice, her reason, her

lie.

Without that lie she could have dealt with Kaidan's death. It would hurt—God would it hurt—but

it would be manageable, justifiable. Her duty to never needlessly squander the lives of the

soldiers under her command would be fulfilled. She'd still be able to function, to plan, to lead.

If it wasn't for the guilt of that lie.

Lilith hadn't known it was a lie, not then. When she first realized she'd lied to herself, it hit

her so hard she had almost handed the victory to Saren. She had been frozen by the experience of

one moment of perfect clarity and perception as she reached the tower and saw Ash fighting for her

life. Saw Ash—her friend, her soulmate, her beloved.

The guilt of knowing she had made the choice for personal reasons rather than professional

ones was tearing at her soul.

The door to her room opened, a bright rectangle of light slicing into darkness, There was a

dark silhouette standing in the doorway, stilled by what it saw. The shadowy figure moved forward,

letting the door quietly slide closed, plunging the room once more into darkness.

"Oh captain, my captain." Breathed a soft voice in the still, dark air.

Ashley Williams moved slowly towards her commanding officer, struck by the similarity

between the care she exercised now and the care with which Lilith had approached the fractured

former slave Talitha on their first return to the Citadel. She knelt in front of Lilith and hesitantly

reached out to embrace the traumatized woman. At first Lilith resisted, pulling back against the

cabin wall before relenting and collapsing into Ash's arms, great racking sobs shaking them both.

"Shh, I'm here," Ashley whispered clutching Lilith as tightly as she could, the depth of her

commander's feelings causing her own to threaten to overwhelm her.

"I had to choose," Lilith murmured brokenly. "I had to choose you."

Ash repositioned herself on her knees and pulled Lilith closer, a hand rising to gently stroke the

commander's raven hair.

"I know," Ash replied gently, "and I know why." She added tenderly.

Lilith's head rose as she looked at the gunnery chief for the first time, her tormented eyes

bewildered. Ash gently trailed her hand down Lilith's face to cup her commander's chin in her hand.

"Yes, I know why." She repeated quietly as she gently tilted her face down to softly kiss

Lilith, on her forehead, on her eyes, and finally settling tenderly on her lips.