I SURRENDER

Just a nice little piece of romance, for all you Tumnus/Lucy lovers out there! If you think this is romantic stuff, just wait until my novel comes out! Enjoy!

Characters © C.S. Lewis and Disney/Walden Media

Story © unicorn-skydancer08

Song © Celine Dion

All rights reserved.

It was a cool, lithe summer evening at Castle Cair Paravel, by the Eastern Sea in the magical land of Narnia. The moon was a glorious, resplendent white sphere in the velvet indigo sky, and over a million lucent stars were scattered about the firmament like shattered diamonds. Outside the castle, it was quiet and tranquil; on the inside, however, a great celebration was well under way. While a small band of musicians played an upbeat, spirited melody, everyone else was dancing about the grand ballroom like there was no tomorrow. Those who did not participate in the dance stood off to the side, conversing good-naturedly with one another, while leisurely sipping goblets of sweet wine.

Among the lively throng was Queen Lucy, a Daughter of Eve (as human women were called in Narnia; human men were referred to as Sons of Adam) and the youngest of the four sovereign monarchs of Narnia, and her old friend Tumnus, the faun. While Tumnus leaned casually against a plated wall and cradled a chalice of wine in his palm, Queen Lucy danced vigorously amongst her subjects, her fluid gown swirling copiously about her ankles, her long, beautiful hair flowing freely about her lovely face like molten copper.

Tumnus smiled at the young queen as he watched her move spiritedly about the room.

Yet as joyous as the occasion was, it was not so for the young faun. Despite the music and the laughter, the overall cheery atmosphere, Tumnus's heart wasn't into the festivities. Even though he smiled at everyone around him and acted as though he were having a marvelous time, inwardly, his heart and soul were troubled.

He and Lucy had known one another for quite some time now, and no pair in all of Narnia maintained a closer relationship.

He had always looked out for the little Daughter of Eve, and sheltered her. She, in return, had always looked up to him, and adored him as she adored her elder siblings.

But now Tumnus's feelings for Lucy had extended beyond the boundaries of friendship.

He still cared deeply for the girl, but in a way that transcended the sentimentalities of a mere friend. He wanted to be more to the Daughter of Eve than a friend alone.

In all essence, he loved her.

Oh, how he loved her. If there were a thousand princes who sought Lucy's hand, their love could not exceed the love Tumnus held for her.

Yet Tumnus kept his emotions entirely to himself, not daring to speak of them to anyone, let alone Lucy herself. As much as he yearned to have her, he knew it was not to be.

What would Lucy have with the likes of him? She was royalty, and he was but a simple faun, a commoner. They did not share the same social status.

Beyond that, she was human, and he was half-beast. That was the greatest, most thwarting difference of all. From the waist up, Tumnus resembled a man; but the rest of him was a blend of stag and wild goat. Rather than feet, he walked upon cloven hooves; his legs were covered in a wild, tangled mass of brown fur, and they bent in opposite directions. Even his ears were like those of a goat—big and leaf-shaped, and rimmed with fine fuzz. And he had two little horns, just barely noticeable through his mop of honey-brown curls.

On the whole, he and Lucy were about as different on the outside as they could possibly get.

It would never work, Tumnus knew. A faun, a human, together…such a notion was farfetched, implausible, insane…even to the point of being scandalous.

Nevertheless, that did not stop him from being besotted. Despite everything, he remained in love with Lucy: totally, unconditionally, and irrevocably in love.

For the longest time, Tumnus made the most desperate efforts to quell his feelings. He did all that he could within his power; he'd even knelt and prayed earnestly every night and day for more days than he cared to count that he would be able to give up this impossible dream, that he could vanquish his unworldly desires.

Alas, his prayers were in vain.

Rather than fade away and burn out, his love for the Daughter of Eve simply continued to thrive and flourish, growing with every passing day until he could scarcely hold it in—like a goblet that held too much water. It was no use trying to battle his feelings. The more Tumnus fought them, the stronger they became; or, rather, the weaker he became.

Whichever way he looked at it, the faun knew he was in a tight spot, and he saw no way of getting himself out of it.

So absorbed was Tumnus in his own thoughts, so preoccupied was he in his own inner turmoil, that he almost didn't see Lucy coming to him.

It wasn't until Lucy grabbed hold of his hand that she received his full attention. "Dance with me, Tumnus!" she insisted.

Paying no heed to Tumnus's awkward stammers, the young queen made him abandon his wine and hauled him out into the center of the dance floor.

Before Tumnus knew it, he and Lucy were moving about harmoniously in a traditional Narnian waltz.

Tumnus was quite an extraordinary dancer, and he danced with the utmost passion. Yet throughout the entire dance, he couldn't bring himself to look away from Lucy's face, nor could he abide the terrible pain that cut his heart like a knife. Oh, how he wished he could find the courage to tell Lucy how he truly felt about her.

How he yearned to kiss her, to hold her in his arms and never let her go. How he longed to spend the rest of his life with her, to be with her until the day he died—and even beyond that. How he longed to have her as his wife, to give her a child. Never had he wished for something more. Never in all his life had he felt such an aching, desperate need.

Lucy could tell from the look in Tumnus's eyes that he was greatly troubled about something.

But before she could ask him what was wrong, the music had reached a brief recess, and Tumnus disengaged himself from her, offering a courteous little bow and begging her pardon.

Somehow, Tumnus managed to keep his composure together as he wove his way through the crowded room. He took refuge on a private balcony located on the west wing, where he could be alone, and where he could have at least some peace and quiet. Behind him, the celebrations continued to carry on. Out here, there was nothing save for the moon and the stars, and the soothing lull of the Eastern Ocean. For a time, Tumnus rested against the rim of the balcony, his eyes silently watching the waves of the sea as they rolled over the shoreline in timeless swirls. A light wind swept over him, ruffling his ceremonial green scarf and sweeping his curls across his face.

What was he to do? Tumnus agonized. He could hardly take much more of this. He couldn't bear the idea of living his life without Lucy. He did not know whether he would be able to keep his true feelings for her hidden away for much longer. Yet he feared to lose her, feared destroying their relationship. His companionship with Lucy meant more to him than anything in the world, and he would do whatever it took to keep that companionship intact. Why did this have to be so difficult? Why did he have to care so much? Why must this hurt so badly?

Tumnus wished he could somehow rip out his heart, that he could somehow cease to exist, both in body and spirit, so that he would not have to endure this torment.

"Tumnus?" a soft voice spoke from behind, interrupting Tumnus's thoughts.

Tumnus knew, without turning his head, that the voice belonged to none other than Lucy. Apparently, she had followed him out onto the balcony, and she now stood right behind him.

Tumnus said nothing, but his posture stiffened.

Lucy quietly moved up to stand next to him, resting her weight upon the marble rim just as he was doing. "What are you doing out here alone, in the dark?" she questioned.

"Oh, I just felt I could use some fresh air," was the best excuse Tumnus could think of to give her.

But the words sounded pitiful and unpersuasive, even to his own ears, and the faun sighed deeply and abjectly looked away.

"Are you feeling all right?" Lucy sounded greatly worried.

"I'm all right, Lucy. Don't worry about me. All is well."

Lucy looked at him incredulously. "I don't believe you."

Tumnus's ears and shoulders drooped, but he refused to look up. He felt a light hand upon his bare shoulder, but even then he still kept his head down.

"Tumnus, please," he heard Lucy implore, "talk to me. We could always talk to each other here."

It was true. Over the years, Tumnus and Lucy had shared many a long heart-to-heart discussion with one another—right here, in this very spot. Some talks were more humorous and lighthearted than others, and others were more serious and sober than some. Some involved laughter, others involved tearful embraces. Throughout the years, Tumnus and Lucy had learned to trust one another, to feel at ease with one another. But this…this was the one thing Tumnus could not talk about, least of all with Lucy.

He hated to lie to his dear friend, yet he was loath to give voice to his inner secrets.

Without a word, Tumnus simply closed his eyes, and lifted a single hand to cover his face.

Lucy heard him draw in a shuddery breath, and when he finally removed his hand and mustered the will to look at her properly, she was astonished to see tears swimming in his eyes. "Oh, Lucy," he said, in a voice that was hardly a whisper, shaking his head very slowly and very sorrowfully at her, "I'm so sorry. I am such a terrible friend."

"Oh, no, Tumnus," she immediately objected. "No…you're the very best friend I have ever had, or could ever ask for."

"Then I'm afraid you've had a very poor sampling."

Lucy couldn't help smiling a little at the reiteration of those words spoken to her long ago. Just as she had done when she was a small child then, she pulled forth her sweet-smelling handkerchief from her pocket and offered it to Tumnus, saying kindly, "There is nothing you could have done that would make you any less my friend, dear Tumnus."

Tumnus silently accepted the handkerchief and proceeded in dabbing at his wet eyes. In a trembling voice, he said, "It's not something I have done, dear Lucy."

Gazing repentantly into the girl's beautiful eyes, he continued, "It's something I am doing…right here, right now."

"What are you doing?" Lucy asked him, her own voice now scarcely a whisper.

She reached for his hand, but no sooner had she brushed his skin with her fingertips than he abruptly jerked his hand away, as if he'd just been burned.

Tumnus hesitated for at least a full minute or so, before those wretched words at long last came spilling out of his mouth: "I'm falling in love with you."

His voice was nearly inaudible, but Lucy heard him all right, for she gasped, "What?"

"I love you!" Tumnus repeated, speaking a little louder this time, the tears in his eyes spilling over and flooding down his face like rainwater, his voice and his heart breaking like fragile glass. "I love you, Lucy Pevensie! I love you, and, Aslan help me, I want you more than any Son of Adam had ever wanted a Daughter of Eve!"

Lucy was stunned. All she could do was stand there on the spot and gawk at Tumnus, looking as though she had just been physically struck.

"You…you love me?" was all she could bring herself to sputter.

Tumnus shook his head tragically. "I'm sorry…but I cannot help myself. Forgive me, Lucy." With that, he turned and fled from Lucy's presence, with his face now hidden in both hands.

"Tumnus, come back!" the young queen called frantically after him, but the faun paid her no heed and kept going, and was gone from her sight within two seconds.

Tumnus never stopped running until he was well outside the castle, ignorant of the puzzled stares that trailed after him, deaf to the calls of concern on his behalf, in addition to the bewildered and angry protests whenever he jostled someone in his haste to get away. He didn't even bother to apologize, only increased his stride so as to go even faster.

Once he was out of the castle and into the cool, sweet night, he made a break for the trees.

So focused was he on escaping Cair Paravel—and Lucy—that he did not pay attention to where he was going, and his right hoof soon caught on a knotted root. He stumbled and fell, landing with great force on his front, the strength of the blow knocking the wind out of him. He lay there for a time, gasping shallowly, but even after he'd recovered his breath, he had neither the power nor the will to rise again. There he remained, sobbing, his tears drenching the ground like drops of rain. He felt sick, both at stomach and at heart.

Oh, dear Aslan, what had he done? How could he ever show his face to Lucy again? Indeed, how could he ever show his face in Cair Paravel again after an exploit like this?

How could he bear the shame of it?

Tumnus wept harder, grabbing large fistfuls of the thick grass that cushioned him.

He wept for Lucy, he wept for himself; he wept for sorrow, he wept for penance, he wept for the sheer humiliation of breaking down so publicly.

How many tears he shed, how long he stayed in that spot and sobbed, he knew not—but he soon became aware that someone was standing over him.

Unsure of who it was, and unwilling to find out, the poor faun closed his eyes tightly and shielded his head with his arms.

"Tumnus," spoke a voice that was rich and smooth and deep…and exceedingly gentle.

Very slowly, Tumnus dared to open his eyes and look up, and found a pair of expressive amber eyes staring back at him. With a thrill of amazement and horror, Tumnus realized it was none other than Aslan, the Great Golden Lion himself. "Aslan!" he gasped, reactively rising to his knees and drawing back from the noble beast, his eyes bulging with fear and wonder.

Aslan stayed where he was, his gaze fixed steadily upon the young faun. Tumnus could not believe the way the Great Lion was looking at him.

The Great Lion looked at him so—so kindly. Yet there was sorrow and distress evident in the depths of his fathomless eyes.

"My beloved Tumnus," Aslan said, in his eminent voice, "why are you weeping? What is it that troubles your heart?"

"N-nothing." Tumnus's voice quivered with false bravado. "I-it's nothing, Aslan."

Aslan was never fooled for a second. "One who is in a perfectly sound mood does not flee into the woods in the middle of the night like a hunted animal, my son," he said softly, "nor does one who is emotionally stable lie upon the ground and weep like a lost soul. I pray you, brother, reveal to me just what affliction it is that besets you this time."

Deep down in his heart, Tumnus knew that Aslan already knew what the problem was, and yet the Great Lion still wanted him to speak of his troubles out loud.

But Tumnus doubted whether he would have the strength to do so. Telling it to Lucy had been awful enough, but this…this was worse, no less than a thousand times worse.

"Oh, Aslan," Tumnus groaned, sinking his head into his hands and shaking it hopelessly from side to side, "forgive me. I am such a horrible faun…a truly wicked and depraved faun."

He felt a gentle warmth stir his hair, and knew Aslan was right beside him.

"My precious child," Aslan's soothing voice poured into his ear, "what is it you have done that is so terrible? What vile sin have you committed?"

"I'm so ashamed of myself," Tumnus deplored, without looking up, "I could just die. Oh, please forgive me, Aslan, please!"

"What for?" Aslan questioned. "What have you done that places you in need of forgiveness?"

Tumnus struggled to keep from breaking down and crying again, but it was like trying to stop a breach in a dam with a toothpick. He felt Aslan's immense paw come to rest upon his bare back, and it brought back a rush of memories of another time, long ago, when Aslan had come to him and comforted him when he was drowning in despair.

"Tell me, dear one," Aslan rumbled. "Why are you so terrible?"

"Because I have fallen in love with Queen Lucy the Valiant!" Tumnus exclaimed desolately.

"In love? With Lucy?" Aslan sounded only mildly surprised. "Is that all?"

"Believe me, that's more than enough," Tumnus said, now raising his head and gazing remorsefully into the Great Lion's eyes, barely able to see through the thick fog of tears. "What kind of a friend am I? How can I ever face Lucy again after this? What kind of creature am I, to harbor such twisted fantasies, such indecorous thoughts? I'm sorry, Aslan. I know I shouldn't be having these feelings for her…but I just can't help myself. I have tried and tried, and I cannot do it. I cannot fight this emotion. The more I fight it, the more it eats me up from inside. And I can't carry on like this anymore. I love Lucy, and I can't live without her."

Aslan never once made a sound during all this, and his eyes never once left Tumnus's face. His paw eventually slid from Tumnus's shoulders, but he stayed put.

Tumnus now bowed himself at the Lion's feet, and once again implored tearfully, "Oh, Aslan, can you ever forgive me?"

He tensed every muscle in his body, expecting to be severely chastised.

But Aslan said nothing; not at first, anyway.

At length, he laid a paw upon the faun's head, and said in a low, benevolent tone, "There is nothing to forgive, dear Tumnus. You have nothing to be contrite for, or make penitence for."

Upon hearing this, Tumnus felt his legs weaken, and he was quite sure he would have fallen, had he not been already kneeling.

He peered very slowly into Aslan's face once more, his countenance a combination of skepticism, bewilderment, and wonder.

Aslan now smiled at him, and he brushed his forepaw against the faun's cheek with the gentleness of a feather as he continued, "My son, love is a beautiful and sacred thing. It is nothing to ever be ashamed of. It reveals itself in unexpected ways. It takes on many forms, each form as natural and as beautiful as the other. Where one person cares deeply for another, where one person feels genuine affection and fidelity toward another, where one person values another more than himself…in that, there can be no sin."

"But how could I ever have someone like Lucy, Aslan?" Tumnus protested. "She is a human, after all, and I am a faun. She and I are two total, complete opposites. We are about as different as we can possibly be; it would never work out between us."

"Tumnus—" Aslan began.

"Just look at me!" Tumnus wailed distraughtly, gesturing agitatedly at himself.

"I am, Tumnus," the Great Lion said, after a brief moment of silence. "And do you know what I see?"

Without even giving the young faun an opportunity to speak, he reached out with his forepaw and touched Tumnus's face, saying, "I see two eyes, two ears, a pair of lips, and a nose." Looking down at the faun's hands, he added with a smile, "Also, I see two hands, which possess ten fingers. And from what I understand, Lucy possesses all of those things as well."

Tumnus stared down at his hands, the palms rough and callused from manual labor, at his long, sturdy fingers. Indeed, his hands very much resembled the hands that Lucy had.

When Tumnus looked at Aslan again, Aslan beckoned, "Come here." He made Tumnus scoot closer to him, and he pressed the faun's head gently against his own furry breast. At first nothing happened, but then Tumnus's sharp ears caught the strong, steady pounding of Aslan's heart. "Do you hear that?" Aslan asked him.

"Yes," said Tumnus softly, "I hear your heart, Aslan."

He straightened up, and Aslan then put a forepaw against Tumnus's heart, which beat just as strongly. "My heart," the faun whispered.

Aslan nodded, and lowered his paw to the ground. "Do you see, Tumnus? We aren't so different. Regardless of how we appear on the outside, in all of the important ways, we are exactly the same. When you truly love someone, you love them for who they are on the inside, not for their outward appearance."

He brought his face closer to Tumnus's, so that his whiskers brushed lightly against Tumnus's skin, and went on earnestly, "That is the beauty of it all. Love transcends bigotry and prejudice; it is nonjudgmental, is quick to forgive, harbors no resentment or antipathy, and it endures forever. It is the highest and the noblest of all things…a treasure without price."

Tumnus gazed intently into Aslan's intelligent eyes, and knew the Great Lion spoke the truth.

"Do not be afraid to love Lucy, my son," the Great Lion continued. "Do not attempt to devastate your love for her. Rather, nourish it, help it to grow, just as a seed grows into a flower…and you will find that it will be a blessing to you, instead of a curse."

Tumnus bowed his head, recalling with chagrin and deep, painful guilt how he'd run away from Lucy like his tail was on fire.

"The pathetic coward I am," he confessed sorrowfully to Aslan, "running out on Lucy like that, as though I were some silly, spoiled, inconsequential child. How could I have acted so disgracefully? What must Lucy think of me now? What must all of Cair Paravel think of me? I'll never live the humiliation down."

"It is not uncommon for fear to lead to irrational actions," said Aslan gently. "Nor is it uncommon for pride to get in the way of things. What you must do is control your pride, and not let your pride control you."

"After what I have done, it would be a miracle if Lucy ever spoke to me again—"

"Tumnus!" a distant voice sounded right then.

Tumnus's ears pricked up. He glanced around the dark trees, listening closely, and heard the same voice again: "Tumnus!"

It was Lucy!

She had clearly followed the faun out of the castle, and was now searching the woods for him. Tumnus could hardly believe it.

"Lucy…" he gasped.

"I believe your miracle has just come true," he heard Aslan say to him, with a hint of a chuckle. "Go to her, Tumnus. Do not keep your love waiting." And when Tumnus turned his head in Aslan's direction, he saw, to his utmost astonishment, that Aslan had mysteriously vanished into thin air. It was as though the Great Lion had never been there to begin with.

"Tumnus! Tumnus!" Lucy's calls persisted, and they seemed to be drawing closer.

Without further delay, Tumnus leaped up and ran swiftly in the direction of his love's voice, crunching dried leaves and pine needles beneath his hooves.

Only a short time ago, he had been more than anxious to get away from Lucy; now, he was more than anxious to get back to her.

He wove his way expertly through the labyrinth of trees, dodging low branches and gnarled roots, his legs carrying him along like they had a mind all their own.

"Tumnus!" Lucy was beginning to sound desperate. "Tumnus, where are you? Tumnus!"

"I'm here, Lucy!" he called. And within two minutes, he met up with her.

"Tumnus!" The name tore from Lucy like a sob. Even in the darkness, Tumnus knew she was crying.

He could feel tears flooding down his own face afresh as he bolted in her direction. She raced toward him also, gathering up the hem of her long gown so as to avoid tripping.

No sooner had they reached one another than Lucy flung herself into Tumnus's arms, nearly knocking him over. "Tumnus!" she wailed again, clinging fiercely to him, burying her face in his bare chest, her tears dripping steadily onto his skin. "Oh, Tumnus, thank heavens you're safe! I was terribly afraid I'd lost you, that something dreadful had happened to you."

"Lucy…I'm so sorry," Tumnus sobbed. "I was so foolish back there. I'd made a complete idiot of myself. I made a spectacle of us in front of everyone at Cair Paravel."

He shook his head woefully. "Oh, Lucy, forgive me. I beg you, please, forgive me…"

Lucy gently drew away from the faun and placed a forefinger over his lips to silence him.

"Tumnus," she said, speaking his name with such warmth and endearment that it pierced him to the core, "Tumnus…you know that I have always forgiven you for your shortcomings in the past. And I shall always continue to forgive you, regardless of what you say or do." She now smiled at him, and toyed with his curly beard as she went on, "There is, however, something I would have liked to say before telling you this—indeed, it would have been ideal if I'd had the opportunity to say it before you took off like a streak of lightning."

"Wh-what?" was all Tumnus could stammer.

"I love you, too." And without giving Tumnus a chance to say anything more, Lucy wrapped her arms securely around the faun's neck and applied her lips to his, kissing him tenderly.

It wasn't the brief, one-two kiss. It was the kind of kiss in which she closed her eyes, tilted her head a certain way, and took her sweet time. Tumnus hesitated for only a second before closing his eyes as well and yielding to the kiss. He slowly slipped his own arms around Lucy, cradled her body against his, and returned the kiss with all his heart.

Once he started, he couldn't bring himself to stop.

He poured his soul into the kiss, tightening his grip on Lucy, clinging to her as though for dear life. He felt her do the same.

As the kiss persisted, Tumnus felt a warm wetness on his face, and his tongue tasted brine. It dawned on him that he was weeping, and that the tears were falling and meshing against his and Lucy's interwoven lips. And it wasn't until the kiss at last broke and Tumnus opened his eyes and saw Lucy's glistening face that he realized she had been weeping as well.

Both of them were visibly trembling, and they both knew it was not because of the cold.

"Oh, Lucy," Tumnus breathed, unable to control the rapid beating of his heart, unable to keep his emotions in check. "Oh, my sweet, sweet Lucy, I love you…I love you so very much! I love you with everything that is in me, and I would gladly give up my life for your sake."

"And I you, my dearest Tumnus," said Lucy, reaching up to fondle his honey-brown curls. "I would have told you so tonight, but you beat me to it." Giving the end of the faun's distinctive nose a playful tap with her index finger, the girl added coyly, "And here's a future tip: don't tell someone you love them, and then run in the opposite direction."

Tumnus laughed, in spite of himself. "I'll try to remember that."

The young couple stood close together for a time, listening to the melodious song of the crickets around them, and the faint rustle of the leaves in the evening wind.

At length, Tumnus closed his eyes and laid his forehead against Lucy's, so that his hair mingled with hers. His breath was warm and soft on her face, and Lucy shivered with pleasure.

Almost involuntarily, her hands slid across Tumnus's fur-lined back, sending a thrill of delight coursing through Tumnus's blood.

This was beyond anything Tumnus could have imagined. It was all like a dream to him—a perfectly marvelous dream, from which he hoped to never awaken. How the faun wished he could somehow freeze time, so that he could remain in this very spot with Lucy and hold her forever, with the moon and the stars keeping watch over them.

Presently, his lips captured hold of hers again, and before long, they were lost in yet another kiss—a kiss just as sweet, and as passionate, as the one before.

There's so much life I've left to live
And this fire is burning still
When I watch you look at me
I think I could find the way

To stand for every dream
And forsake this solid ground
And give up this fear within
Of what would happen if they ever knew
I'm in love with you

'Cause I'd surrender everything
To feel the chance to live again
I reach to you
I know you can feel it, too
We'd make it through
A thousand dreams, I still believe
I'd make you give them all to me
I'd hold you in my arms and never let go
I surrender

I know I can't survive
Another night away from you
You're the reason I go on
And now I need to live the truth

Right now, there's no better time
From this fear, I will break free
And I'll live again with love
And no, they can't take that away from me
And they will see

I'd surrender everything
To feel the chance to live again
I reach to you
I know you can feel it, too
We'd make it through
A thousand dreams, I still believe
I'd make you give them all to me
I'd hold you in my arms and never let go
I surrender

Every night's getting longer
And this fire's getting stronger, baby
I'll swallow my pride
And I'll be alive
Can't you hear my call?
I surrender all…

I surrender everything
To feel the chance to live again
I reach to you
I know you can feel it, too
We'll make it through
A thousand dreams, I still believe
I'll make you give them all to me
I'll hold you in my arms and never let go
I surrender

Right here, right now
I give my life to live again
I'll break free
Take me
My everything
I surrender all to you…

"I Surrender", sung by Celine Dion