We walked along the path to the woods silently. The leaves crunched under her feet as she moved to keep up with my agitated pace. I kept my hand on her arm, partly to guide her, but mostly to feel the blood rushing under the thin veil of her pale skin. Her heart was drumming frantically. I concentrated harder on keeping my expression neutral. I couldn't leave her with hope.
If I were human, my stomach would have rolled over at that thought. Instead, I just felt as though my stomach had dropped out of me. How could I take her life away and think that I was protecting her? My resolve wavered as I stared at the trees ahead, still pulling her along behind me. She stumbled once before we reached the edge of the forest and I fought the overwhelming urge to help her regain her footing.
I walked three steps into the forest and found that I could go no further. The idea of turning away from the desperate look in her eyes was in itself awful enough, but if I had to take more than a few steps before I could get away from her, I knew I'd never succeed. I leaned my frame against a tree and she turned to look at me. She seemed confident, secure.
"Okay, let's talk," she said, her tone sounding both impatient and frustrated, as if she were willing to beat the words out of me. I nearly flinched as I thought of how unexpected those words would be for her. I braced myself for the onslaught of the next few hours and tried not to think about what would happen when she left me.
When I left her.
I took a deep breath to steady myself, a habit that I had picked up from her. Her expression was fierce as she studied my face. I hoped, for both of our sakes, that she saw nothing on it. I loosed my tongue from the roof of my mouth and spoke the last words I ever thought I would say to her.
"Bella, we're leaving." I felt an unexpected wave of pain and panic overwhelm me. I wanted so badly for her to tell me that I was insane, that I deserved to be placed in a padded room for the rest of eternity. Her reaction surprised me. A portion of my mind wondered why it was that I was always shocked when she didn't react the way that I expected. The rest of my mind was trying to interpret the reason behind her expression becoming something that looked like…like she had expected those words.
Instantly, I felt my body shudder with a much more forceful crash of pain that nearly knocked the air from my lungs. Had I misinterpreted her resolve? Was I perhaps the one who would be begging her to not go through with leaving me?
No. She wouldn't. How many times had she told me that she'd loved me? How many times had she looked into my eyes as if I were the only thing that was holding her to the earth? She couldn't be thinking that.
Another horrible wash of nausea told me that she would be thinking the exact same thing. And then again, her words surprised me.
"Why now? Another year--" she said, and I puzzled at where she was going with her train of thought. I felt a brief twinge of annoyance and a maddening yearning to hear what was going on inside her head. I cut her off, my entire body curling away from my mind in revulsion of what I was saying.
"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless."
My entire being shied away from what I'd just said. The thought that I would leave her was so foreign to me that I couldn't imagine that she'd accept the idea at all. It would be a fruitless, painstaking effort that would have me on my knees, hollering that I didn't mean any of it, that I couldn't leave her side, even to save her life. My body seemed to ache with the mere task of standing up straight as I looked into her eyes. She looked confused. As if somehow, my answer hadn't been what she'd expected at all.
Well, and wasn't that what I had wanted? To catch her off guard? Maybe she wouldn't fight my decision…
I nearly hissed as I contemplated that train of thought. How could she doubt that I loved her more than my own life? Of all of the times that I had told her...she couldn't possibly doubt me.
But she wouldn't be so easily convinced. I remembered clearly every time I had told her that she was my world, the only thing holding me to the planet, to life. It would take hours to convince her. All the more reason to continue with the plan. She would be safe from me. It was all that I could give her. I could think of nothing more selfish than my staying. I gazed into her eyes, imagining her eyes to be those of a selfish man who wouldn't sacrifice himself to keep his world from danger. It would be the only way to make it through the confrontation. Slowly, understanding began to infuse her face. It looked as if the sun was setting from her body, and she was shrinking away from me.
"When you say we--," she began. Again, I cut her off, hating every word as it slipped from my lips.
"I mean my family and myself," I said slowly, still imagining that she was the selfish part of me, that I was talking to Selfish Edward, telling him that I would leave him behind. That I didn't want him.
She shook her head like a dog trying to get water out of its ears. I prepared myself for the denial. The disbelief. The tears. I hated myself. I hated everything about what I was. I hated that I couldn't be what she needed. I hated that I couldn't be human.
At that moment, I hated Carlisle for creating me. I knew it was irrational, that I would never have met Bella if I had stayed human, or if I had, that she would be another confusing teenager. But I hated him all the same. I saw something resolve in her eyes.
"Okay," she said slowly, like she was still shaking out the water. "I'll come with you."
I grimaced, and then quickly put my face back together. She would not see any emotion. Again, I reached for words that were so vile that they almost hurt.
"You can't, Bella. Where we're going…It's not the right place for you," I told her succinctly, making each word clear. She flinched like I'd thrown knives at her. I saw pain cloud her eyes, and my windpipe seemed to constrict.
"Where you are is the right place for me," she said, lifting her eyes to mine, meeting my hard gaze with her pained, beautiful brown eyes. I forced my hands behind my back so that I wouldn't hug her to me and comfort her, promise her that I would never leave her.
I shuddered with horror as I realized that I'd never been more serious in my life. Keeping her safe was the only thing I could do. The only power I had, it seemed. I would do it no matter what it cost me.
"I'm no good for you, Bella." Perhaps the only true thing I could say for her. I felt that I owed her that.
That I owed myself that.
I looked down into her eyes again and almost wished that I hadn't. I could no longer see Selfish Edward, could no longer tell him to leave. I only saw Bella, her eyes wild with desperation. Never had I felt more torn in my life. I wanted to hug her till she became a part of me. I wanted to protect her, run away from her to keep her safe. I wanted to have her at my side, holding her fast to me for as long as I existed. I wanted her to be with someone else, able to lead her own life, free of the constant danger that my presence put her in.
Both agony and relief roiled through me as I realized that I could never stay. I needed to let her live her life, free of me. I could survive. I wouldn't be a burden to her anymore. Eventually she would move on to someone more safe. More human.
"Don't be ridiculous," she breathed, sounding as if she were pleading to be spared from the death sentence. "You're the very best part of my life."
Something like fire felt like it was burning its way across my body, but her pleading only reinforced my decision. I couldn't stay. Not when it endangered her. If she…died…I flinched away from the thought. If she was hurt because of something that my family or I did to her, I could never live with myself.
But the prospect of leaving her made me feel as if I had been dropped in a vat of acid. I debated with myself about leaving her to go to the Volturi. But of course I couldn't. What would that do to Carlisle and Esme? No, I had to be strong to protect everyone around me. I could leave her. It wouldn't kill me. I laughed bitterly to myself at the thought. No, it wouldn't kill me. But I almost wished it would.
"My world is not for you," I told her with the same bitterness still in my voice. But it could be. I felt a growl scratching its way up my throat. Never again would I think that. Never. I'd already been selfish enough for the past seven months. I'd already been hurled into the life of eternal damnation. Why should I take away her chance at a normal life, while she still had a soul? I was disgusted with myself. Repulsed by my longing to have her at my side as one of my family members, as my wife.
A vampire.
I growled at the part of me that wanted that, but before I had time to wrestle more with the idea, she was speaking wildly, grabbing at my shoulders.
"What happened with Jasper—that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!"
She tried to shake me but I hardly noticed. I felt my eyes narrow and I nearly hissed again as I remembered my brother's thoughts. Remembered how he was willing to kill his entire family to get at Bella. I was doing this for him as much as I was for me. It was for everyone's own good.
"You're right. It was exactly what was to be expected," I said, agreeing with her coldly, still seeing the image that Jasper had yearned for as he'd lunged. Her body writhing on the floor as he placed his mouth at her neck, her warm blood flooding his mouth in the pulses that matched her heartbeat. I felt the hair on the back of my neck raise defensively. She seemed to explode at me then, clutching desperately at straws.
"You promised!" she said roughly, her whole body shaking now. The birds in the trees above us took flight at the sound of her hysteric voice. "In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay—,"
"As long as that was best for you," I cut her off, sharply. She did not seem at all abashed. I flinched, waiting for her denial. This time, I was correct.
"No! This is about my soul, isn't it? Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward! I don't care! You can have my soul! I don't want it without you—it's yours already!"
She sounded furious and I could see tears of frustration and agony flooding her eyes. My resolve wavered again as I quelled the urge to crush her lips to mine again, taking away all of her desperate words.
I couldn't. I wouldn't. Who would it help? She just didn't realize how wonderful her life could be without me. How free of danger and how wonderfully human. She could have a husband and children…a real family. I heard her hearbeat slowing again. It had sped up in her outburst.
I took another deep breath and dropped her gaze. What a coward I am. And here I thought I was being the responsible one. What would it do to her? Would she even be able to move on? I knew that I never would. She'd changed my life so irreversibly. I'd never forget. But it wasn't my soul that I was worried about. As far as I knew, I didn't even have one. I ground my teeth together in frustration with myself. I had to make a decision. It was now or never.
I felt my body twist in on itself as I tried to find an ironclad way to leave her. She knew that I loved her with even more than my entire heart. I loved her with my immortality, every cell of my body, every breath that I didn't need but only took because I lived on her air. What could I say when she knew that I needed her to keep me alive…
"Yes, you are the reason…the reason that I'm here—alive," she said, frowning.
I felt my mouth twist as a wave of hatred and resentment toward what I was about to do crash over me. Her words in the hospital had held a completely different meaning at the time, but I now felt like I was in the exact same position.
"Are you tired of having to save me all the time?" Her voice shook as she asked me. "Do you want me to go away?"
"No," I responded, shocked that she'd come to this conclusion. Of all the things to think. "I don't want to be without you, Bella, of course not. Be rational. And I have no problem with saving you, either—if it weren't for the fact that I was the one putting you in danger…that I'm the reason that you're here."
I looked up at her with my entire body quivering. The words I held on the tip of my tongue were razor-sharp. Silver bullets to the heart of a werewolf.
"I don't want to be without you, Bella…"
"Bella, I don't want you to come with me," I said slowly, drawing out the words until they sounded as cold and unfeeling as I could possibly make them.
Every cell of my body screamed in protest. A fog rolled over my eyes, making a ringing in my ears and a haze flood my thoughts. I was dragged out of the numbness by the sound of her voice. It was soft, but it sounded as if it was being wrenched from the pit of her stomach.
"You…don't…want me?" she asked, sounding as if the words were backwards in her mind.
"No," I said again, still drowning in the haze that clouded my thoughts and vision.
The words sounded so cold and false that I wondered if she wouldn't just fall to the ground laughing at the absurdity of it all. What she did instead was far worse.
"Well, that changes things," she said matter-of-factly. A fierce agony such as I couldn't believe existed ripped through me, shredding me to pieces. How?! How was it possible that she could so quickly doubt me!? Had she never trusted me in the first place? Had I misread the signs? I stared at her for a moment, dumbfounded, wishing more than ever that I could see what she was thinking. I turned away from her and looked toward the trees on my left, trying to compose myself. I felt like a balloon that had just popped. I'd been only too happy to be filled with helium, tied to a child's wrist. But suddenly, the string that had held me to the earth had been cut, and I floated until I could no longer bear the pressure of the clouds. I was falling back to the ground in millions of little pieces. I wasn't aware that I'd been speaking until I'd stopped. Vampire autopilot.
"Of course, I'll always love you…in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm…tired of pretending to be something that I'm not, Bella. I am not human. I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that," I finished, and I almost convinced myself that I was being truthful. If only I could ignore the horrible feeling of being burned, drowned in acid, and crushed to death by an over-zealous Emmett who'd lost one too many arm-wrestling matches all at once.
"Don't…" she whispered, her voice and eyes pleading, begging me to stay. "Don't do this."
I took a deep breath and summoned every remaining bit of strength that I had to finalize my decision, to lie straight through my teeth.
"You're not good for me, Bella."
I nearly bit through my tongue as the horror of what I was saying washed over me. I watched her opening her mouth to say something before closing it again.
"If…that's what you want," she said, her expression tortured. I nodded my head in one jerky bounce. All I wanted was to keep her safe. To keep her alive.
A sudden horror cascaded through me. What if something happened to her? Something that I couldn't control? She tripped over cracks in the floor that didn't exist, found ways to choke on air. What would happen if she did something that wasn't dangerous to most humans, but that would endanger her?
"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much," I said. My voice sounded strangled. I fought to keep up my façade. She raised her eyes to mine once again, chocolate meeting gold, and I felt my resolve waver and then fade entirely as she said, "Anything."
"Don't do anything reckless or stupid. Do you understand what I'm saying?" I asked her, putting emphasis on the words 'reckless' and 'stupid'. I bore my gaze into hers, breathing more quickly in my sudden revelation that even when I did disappear, I wouldn't be able to protect her from the mundane, non-supernatural human dangers.
She nodded. I felt a relief flood through me, but with it came the fog. Again, I was unaware that I was speaking.
I heard her mutter, "I will," in response to what I'd said, and for some reason, I felt more at ease, though I was still boiling in pain.
"And I'll make you a promise in return," I heard myself say. "I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed," I finished. I was glad that even while the rest of me was slowly melting away, my brain could still operate on a thought process that I was not having, but that should have been at the front of my mind. She was trembling, shaking so hard that her vision must have been impaired by it. It was almost unbearable that I was the one who was causing her this pain. But it needed to be done.
I smiled at her softly. Stupid. As if my one smile could wipe away all of her misery and crippling feelings of rejection. "Don't worry. You're human—your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind." How well I knew it. My memory, on the other hand…
"And your memories?" she asked me, using her uncanny ability to voice exactly what I'd been thinking.
"Well…,' I grimaced. I would always remember her, and would never love another. I already felt as though half of my body had been torn away. It was like being a vampire with no venom. "I won't forget. But my kind, we're very easily distracted."
I knew I would never be distracted from her. The image of her standing in the woods, her expression one of longing, confusion, exasperation, sadness, and, worst of all, agony would be in front of my eyes for every waking moment. For eternity. I stepped away from her, knowing that if I did not leave now, I never would.
"That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again," I said in a rush, torn between running away from her and running into her arms. Her eyes, if it were possible, searched mine with an even fiercer fire.
"Alice isn't coming back," she said, barely aloud. If I hadn't been a vampire, I would not have heard her. I shook my head.
"No. They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye," I said. That I'm leaving my heart with you. Take care of it. That I'm leaving my reason for existence. Don't do anything reckless with it. That I'm saying goodbye to myself, to all that I live for, to my being. Please, please understand that I will always love you. Always.
"Alice is gone?" she said again, and I knew that this was yet another blow to her. Alice was her best friend. She was losing her reason for existence, and then her best friend, and the future that she'd already chosen, that Alice had seen.
"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you," I told her, trying to infuse as much understanding as I could into my words.
It's all for her protection. Every bit of it. It's keeping her alive. Keeping her safe from me.
"Goodbye, Bella," I said quietly, wondering why I didn't burst into flame or at the very least scream with denial.
"Wait!" she said, sounding desperate. She seemed to struggle toward me. I couldn't imagine what she was fighting with. Never had her soul been more intertwined with mine. In a moment of indecision brought on by my ruthless lies, I reached toward her, desperate to touch her just one more time. I grabbed her wrists, the place where the pulse was strongest, and felt the blood pumping under her skin again. I slowly lowered my lips to her forehead, brushing them from the center of it to her hairline. I inhaled deeply and felt my mouth flood with the familiar venom, but the thirst was completely absent. All I could feel was a horrible desire to crush her in my embrace, to stroke her hair as I'd don't countless times before and soothe her worries, straighten the crease in her forehead. Instead, I pulled back, fighting every fiber in my body to do so.
"Take care of yourself," I pleaded, and after another heartbeat, I turned and flew away from her. In seconds, I was in her room, peeling her pictures from her album, removing the CD I'd made her from her stereo. I removed every trace of evidence from her room that I could find and lunged toward the window again, but I stopped, perched on top of the windowsill.
It was childish. Ridiculous. I'd made a promise to her. But I couldn't bring myself to take away what I'd given to her. I may as well have ripped out my heart and thrown it into the dumpster by her house. Quickly, I jumped back into the room and pulled up a floorboard that I knew already was loose, based on the way it had sounded every time I'd walked on it. I lay every piece of evidence that I had underneath it and placed the board back into the ground. It fit seamlessly. After a moment to compose myself, I jumped lithely from her window and hurled myself into the forest, running at full speed as if I could outrace the terrifying snarls of pain. It was far worse than the three days of becoming a vampire, this pain. This pain was unquenchable. I knew there would be no end to it. I would never heal. There was no relief in sight.
I slowed to a walk, waiting for the inevitable to happen. For the full consciousness of what I'd done to come over me. It was only a matter of time before the fog in my head cleared. Never had it been so difficult for me to move. Everything physical was supposed to be simple. I stumbled. My mind was scattered. The speed with which I still moved should have blurred everything into a colorless jumble, even as I tripped over the branches that littered the forest floor. How could I possibly bear to see the horror on her face in perfect clarity for the rest of my life? My foot caught on a branch and I reached for a tree trunk to support me. It was a mark of how weak I was that the bark didn't shatter or even bend as I clung to it. My body felt laughably mortal as I grabbed at the tree with the tips of my fingers.
A strong pressure was building behind my eyes. In the very back of my mind, I acknowledged that I couldn't afford insanity here, not with Bella so close. But I was past the point of even being able to stand without support. A ringing filled my ears again. Normally, this would have been a relief, but at that moment I would have given anything to hear anybody's thoughts but my own.
I became aware that I was sucking sharp bursts of air into my lungs, as if that would help steady me. The air clawed its way up my throat and exploded out of me with a painful force. My body was burning, and simple air seemed to be ripping me apart from the inside.
Another burst of air shattered my remaining strength. I was hyperventilating. What a relief it would have been to sob mercilessly for the rest of time. Crying without tears was now much more painful and much less gratifying.
I crumpled to forest floor, all of my strength gone. The image of Bella's face flew to the fore of my mind and I closed my eyes, watching her cheeks flush with anger, her eyes sparkling with doubt and rejection. Gasping, sobbing tearlessly, and moaning with misery, I curled myself into the fetal position and gave in to the terrible, black misery.