I do not own Full Metal Alchemist or anything related.

Commentator: Welcome back my otaku and alchemy loving friends to the final installment of the 'Full Metal Alchemist Abridged (With Commentary): Season 1' Trilogy! Hehe, you all probably thought we were joking, but it is true that this fanfic is only three installments long. But don't worry, Season 2 Abridged is on its way! But before we begin, let's check our reviews! Professor! Open the shoot!

(The Professor pulls the chain, and the shoot opens. Nothing comes out)

Commentator: Oh once again, no reviews. How shocking. Seriously I don't know why Anonymius is continuing-

Professor: Sir, while you were ranting, exactly six reviews fell out of the shoot.

Commentator: HOLY CRAP, THERE ARE REVIEWS? I mean REVIEWS! (Runs to the pile) REVIEWS! (Leaps into it and rolls through them) Yes! My excessive whining paid off!

Professor: See, aren't you glad that Anonymius carried on with the project even though it didn't seem to do well at first?

Commentator: I am indeed!

Professor: Now then, how about opening one of those reviews?

Commentator: Huh? Oh right! This one is from Emalee Roze:

like it. ^^
but it is true about manga beating filler. i mean, i like the anime (at times) but the fillers just dont help out the main story line. -sighs-
but anyway, cant wait for the next chapter. ;)

(Sigh) It is true that fillers don't exactly help the main storyline. But maybe not everyone wants a single plot? Maybe some people prefer the anime to be more varied and not be confined to the single running plot, and look back to the early days when the manga was episodic before the main plot and only that plot was established!

Professor: Please excuse my master. We are glad that you liked this and continue to wait for upcoming chapters, and look forward to any future reviews.

Commentator: Now this one is from SakuraSagura:

ROFL! Wow, that was great. Thanks for translating some of that too. It was interesting. I love the anime and manga to bits, but this was just plain awesomeness.

Professor: Good Lord! Someone actually LIKED you rambling about translations of 'Kami O' and 'Kamisama'?

Commentator: And you thought I would put off all of our readers! Now, the third review is from-

Clock: TING

Commentator: What?

Professor: I guess time is up.

Clock: MWAHAHAHAHA! I VOWED THAT I WOULD RETURN!

Professor: Yes, but no one has not read 'Harry Potter Abridged (With Commentary)' will have any idea what you are talking about. Let alone that you can speak.

Commentator: So wait- there were so many reviews that we couldn't get through all of them? This is the happiest moment of my life!

Clock: -MY INTENT WAS NOT TO MAKE HIM HAPPY.

Professor: It never is. But seriously now, Anonymius has enjoyed all of your reviews and your support for the continuation of 'Full Metal Alchemist Abridged (With Commentary)'. His intent is to do the entire series and film, and possibly the next anime when it comes out. He plans to post a new chapter weekly, and ends up posting one fortnightly. We look forward to receiving any future reviews you send to us. It will definitely make the Commentator happy. Now then, without further ado, here's 'Lost in Animation'.

Ed: So after eight episodes we FINALLY return to the manga! As far as flashbacks go, that one was pretty excessive.

Al: Hey, at least we got the back story out of the way instead of waiting for dozens of episodes.

Ed: Well I'm just glad that we can return to the proper canon plot, with no filler or major alterations or- hey, where are we?

Ed: This document doesn't give us a clue as to where we are. Damnit, we're lost again! And from the looks of it we'll be lost for at least twenty minutes! Sigh, oh well. It could be worse. I think I can stand one episode of filler.

Al: That's more than most fans can bear.

Ed: So, any clue as to where we are?

Al: It looks like an alternate Venice.

Ed: I thought Amestris was supposed to be an alternate Prussia?

(Carriage rolls by, splashing Ed with mud)

Ed: GRRRR! It's times like this I'm glad that alchemists aren't bound by any rules that forbid them from using their powers for personal gain.

(Claps his hands together and puts them on himself and the mud disappears)

Al: Okay, I get how you need to make contact with the thing you need to transmute, but I'm pretty sure alchemy can't be used to make mud cease to exist.

Ed: Excuse me, who's the genius alchemist here?

(Suddenly his wrist is handcuffed)

Detective: AHA! Got you now, alchemie!

Detective: You may have alluded me for a long time, Siren, but today you made the one fatal mistake of using your magical powers in broad daylight!

Ed: Okay, first of all, as I keep telling people, alchemy isn't magic, it's science. Sure it's performed by drawing circles and hand gestures, which completely defy the laws of physics, but the one thing it has that no supernatural series has is a strong logical framework! Even if that logical framework is horribly mutilated by filler material. Now that I'm done ranting, I'd like to tell you that I'm sure you've mistaken me for someone else.

Detective: I don't think so! We know very little about Siren, but what we do know is that Siren's an alchemist!

Ed: And what, you think that just because I'm an alchemist that I'm undoubtedly the thief? Dude, there are like a hundred alchemists in the country, that's like arresting someone solely on the fact that they have blond hair or black skin!

Detective: No, no, you misunderstand me, Alchemist-san, I merely wanted to hear your thoughts on the matter since you are also an alchemist.

Ed: Even though you just admitted you thought I was the thief earlier, it's pretty obvious you just want to trick me into giving a confession.

Doctor: It appears that you have some minor food poisoning. Don't worry; the nurse will give you a shot. And before you think anything she is definitely not the other identity of an infamous Robin Hood-like thief in this city!

Al: Here, let me help by transmuting the apple back into its whole shape when it's suppose to be cut up instead of fixing the plate.

Clara: (Amazing! Alchemy that doesn't screw the rules!) You two are alchemists?

Ed: No my friend here can just magically put apple pieces together –I MEAN SCIENTIFICALLY! SCIENTIFICALLY! He can put an apple back together SCIENTIFICALLY! Or pseudo-scientifically. Proto-scientifically at best!

Detective: Mister Elric! Mister Elric!

Ed: Oh not you again! Look here, I'm not the thief!

Detective: I know that now! Come with me! It's urgent!

Ed: What's the emergency?

Detective: I've got to make up for being a jerk to you earlier!

Al: Hey, did you just refer to Brother as 'Mr Elric' earlier?

Detective: Yeah. What's your point?

Al: Isn't that kind of out of place will all the Japanese honorifics in this show like 'nee-san' and 'onii-chan' and 'san'?

Detective: (Shrugs) Probably.

Detective: All salute Elric-Sensei!

Al: Doesn't anyone else find it odd that we're nineteenth century Europeans eating oriental food?

Ed: Unlikely.

Ed: Hey, nameless Detective! Who are that crowd out there?

Detective: Oh they're fans of Siren, people who thinks she's cool for taking people's most cherished possessions.

Ed: Wait hold on, Siren's a woman?

Detective: Um, yes?

Ed: ...Tell me, Detective-San, have you met this Siren?

Detective: Yes, a number of times, why?

Ed: ...And is she as tall as me?

Detective: What? No! She's a lot taller than you!

Ed: …So let me get this straight, you thought that I was Siren, even though I was not the same size, let alone the same gender, and your suspicions were solely based on the fact that I'm an alchemist, even though there are hundreds of alchemists in Amestris?

Detective: Ermmmmmmm, yes?

(Silence)

Ed: Are all cops as thick as you?

Commentator: Do you really want the answer to that?

Detective: Hey! I'm not thick! I just like to pin the crime on the most likely person so that I can go home early and watch 'Law and Order'!

Ed: And you're willing to waste time and money on someone who even by logic's standards can't be the perv, and make the police just give up on the case when the guy or girl's been proven innocent, even though according to the law the perv is still out there, while the real perv gets away with it and is able to strike again, just because you're lazy? That itself defies logic! I mean if you're not going to bother investigating a case properly then WHY DID YOU EVEN BOTHER BECOMING A POLICE OFFICER! I mean ordinary workers get sacked for not doing the job properly out of sloth!

Detective: ..Because, erm, catching bad guys is fun?

Ed: Does the term 'innocent until proven guilty' mean anything to you?

Commentator: Ed, he's a police officer. Of course it means nothing to him!

Al: Hey, I've just realised where I've seen you before! You look like that bumbling detective from Lupin III who makes Jacques Clouseau look competent by comparison!

Detective: You mean Koichi Zenigata? Yes, I was cloned from him just for this episode! My life expectancy is 24 minutes!

Ed: What is it with anime and manga and identical looking characters from completely different series?

Ed: Aha! Got you, Siren! Who for some reason dresses like a bunny. Er (Realises that he's holding a woman's breast) AH! YOU'RE A WOMAN!

Siren: Er, yah, didn't Nameless Detective tell you like a gizillion times!

Ed: Please, I'd remember a detail as significant as that!

Commentator: I think there's been a failure in translation!

Ed: I mean, EWWW! I TOUCHED YOUR BOOB!

Siren: Jeez, you Japanese teenagers are such wimps when it comes to the opposite sex! I mean if you were an American teenager, you couldn't wait to look at my boobies (partially unzips her catsuit).

BOOM

(Ed is lying stunned on the ground)

Ed: (Groans) I was instantly blown away by her breasts.

Klara: Behold! My breasts are so big they can restore dying plants to life!

Ed: That doesn't make any alchemical sense. Let alone biological sense! I mean OH MY GOD, KLARA THE NURSE IS SIREN, I HAD NO IDEA! SUPER SPECIAL AWESOME PLOT TWIST!

Ed: Klara! Explain why you have done this!

Klara: Well I-

Al: I know why! It's because the hospital is being threatened to be knocked down and the only way to save it is to get more money, and that's why you've been stealing Klara, isn't it?

Klara: Er, sure, why not?

Siren: Why did you help me?

Ed: Because it's all right to save a hospital and all its sickly patients by taking people's treasured possessions.

Siren: So wait, are you making fun of the series for justifying theft or not?

Ed: You know what, I'm not entirely sure myself.

(Hospital comes crashing down)

Elric brothers: WHA? The- hospital was still knocked down?

Commentator: Oh my. Siren pretended to be like Robin Hood even though she never stated at first that she was. What a shocking twist! HOW COULD YOU GENIUS ALCHEMISTS BE SO EASILY DUPED? Well okay, Al has a crush on her, BUT ED?

Klara: Stop that! It is insulting to God!

Ed: Huh? Klara? You're a nun?

Klara: Yes, I was so distraught that the hospital got knocked down that I went into seclusion.

Al: Huh. I guess we are Christians after all.

Ed: Well an alternate Christianity at least.

Al: I wonder what our God is called?

Ed: You know what, I think we're all too agnostic to care! So Klara, now that you're a nun I guess you can't go around stealing anymore!

Klara: Oh no, but I must! This monastery is being threatened to be demolished, so I have to steal money in order to save it! I'm sure God wouldn't mind if I preserved the monastery by defiling it with stolen money.

Ed: Wait, what happened to all that stuff you stole previously?

Klara: It got confiscated.

Commentator: How very convenient.

(Monastery is knocked down)

Elric brothers: WHA? The- monastery was still knocked down?

Klara: Hello, you two.

Ed: Huh? Klara? You're a teacher?

Klara: Yes, after the monastery got knocked I became a teacher.

Ed: So are you going to stop stealing now?

Klara: No, because the school is being threatened to be demolished so-

(Everything abruptly stops)

Commentator: Okay, is this going to be a running joke throughout the rest of the episode? Let's just skip to the final fight.

(Episode is forwarded to the final battle)

Commentator: There we go!

Ed: All right, Siren, you're going to pay! Nobody makes a fool out of the foolmetal alchemi- I MEAN nobody makes a full of the fullmetal- I mean, oh for goodness sake just die!

Siren: Now, now, language! None of this talk about killing in front of the children!

Ed: Wrong censoring company, lady. This one doesn't care about how much we talk about death!

Siren: In that case- (Transmutation circle on breasts glow) Water style, Water Dragons No Jutsu!

(Water rises and hits Ed's boat, knocking him into the air)

Ed: What, you're a ninja now?

Siren: Wasn't it obvious from my outfit? Oof!

(Gets hit by a giant stone fist from the bank, as transmuted by Ed)

Ed: Haha! Earth beats water! Or is it supposed to be the other way round? Oh well!

Al: So wait, was she good or wasn't she?

Ed: I guess it's all down to your point of view. Well it's been a fun filler episode. Now we can just sit back and relax as the train takes us to the canon plot.

ONE WEEK LATER…

Ed: It's already been an episode and we're still lost? One filler story was bearable but two? THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE! I feel like Ash, Misty and Brock when they got lost trying to find the third gym-

Al: Brother, I have had it up to hear with your obscure references from the nineties that no one remembers-

Elisa: EEEEEE!

Ed: That sounds like someone in trouble! LET'S GO AL!

Al: You know, I'm pretty sure you weren't this heroic in the original manga.

Al: Well done, Brother! You saved someone with alchemy, and you did it without screwing any alchemical rules for once!

Elisa's Dad: Thank you for rescuing my daughter, Mr Alchemist. Perhaps you two could help Magwar create the Philosopher's Stone so that we can restore out prosperity by using it to transmute gold?

Ed: What's he talking about?

Al: You know, Brother, the main reason people seek the Philosopher's Stone is that it is the only substance that can transmute gold.

Ed: Er, no it isn't. In this series the Philosopher's Stone is sought because it is an unlimited power source that violates all rules of alchemy.

Al: People seem to do just fine violating the rules of alchemy without the Philosopher's Stone.

Ed: I mean alchemists can already transmute gold without the Philosopher's Stone. Remember, rules of Equivalent Exchange? You can change something into something else if it's the same elemental nature and that means you can turn any earth based material into gold! I mean you remember when I transmuted all that coal into gold to trick Governor Yoki, right?

Al: I did not see anything suspicious. I mean Brother, if alchemists can create gold, then why don't they do it all the time?

Ed: BECAUSE GOLD MAKING'S ILLEGAL! This has been stated numerous times in the anime and manga!

Al: How very convenient.

Ed: IT IS NOT! If people could create money out of thin air, it would destroy the economy!

Al: Well, maybe the Philosopher's Stone's an exception?

Ed: I don't see how. How exactly is it suppose to create gold?

Al: I think just like every other take on the Philosopher's Stone, it's never properly explained.

Ed: Of course it isn't. As stated in the series, the Philosopher's Stone amplifies the alchemist's powers, and even if gold making was impossible, it can't be done because GOLD MAKING IS ILLEGAL!

Al: Brother, filler and continuity don't mix.

Elisa's Dad: Could you please give me your names?

Ed: Sure. I'm Edward Elric, and this is my brother, Alphonse.

Elisa's Dad: Edward Elric? The State Alchemist?

Ed: Yeah!

(Ed and Al get thrown out, literally).

Ed: Hey? Why'd you kick us out? If it's because you hate the military because of an over-taxing governor, I'll promise to remove him from power by the end of the episode!

Elisa's Dad: It's not that! It's just that we don't like those who steal aspects from other characters!

Ed: What are you talking about?

Elisa's Dad: The Elric brothers are in that mansion!

Ed: Hey, I saved your daughter!

Elisa's Dad: Copyright infringement is the greatest crime known to man; it greatly cancels out any good deed you've done! Unless of course you're willing to disclaim the names and background of Edward and Alphonse Elric.

Ed: We're not disclaiming anything!

Elisa's Dad: Then may you be turned into small animals for your arrogance. Now get out of here before we decide to burn you!

Ed: That jerk! How dare he infringe on my copyright!

Al: But Brother, this is Japan. There's no such thing as copyright. Why do you think so many characters from completely different anime and manga look identical?

Ed: You know, I did wonder. But I'm gonna find this thief and sue him for every single penny he's got.

Al: Brother, you can't! It's un-Japanese!

Ed: I'd rather take after my American version and stop anyone from using any aspect of me, even if they're doing no harm, making no profit and when everyone knows who I am beforehand. Unless of course they disclaim my identity, that somehow makes it okay!

Ed: Hey! These guys aren't making the Philosopher's Stone! They're making the Red Stone!

Al: The what?

Ed: It's like the Philosopher's Stone, only it's very toxic.

Al: An object that's just a cheap imitation of something already stated in the story? Sounds like something out of a bad fanfic.

Ed: Hey you! How dare you steal my identity! If you wanted to use it, you should have just asked permission!

Al: How is he supposed to get your permission in the first place?

Ed: Hey, that's his problem, not mine!

Russell: I'm sorry! I had to use your identity so that I could work on the Red Stone! Besides, let's be fair, my brother and I make a more convincing pair of Elric Brothers than you two.

Ed: Oh that does it you are so dead! (Transmutes a blade from his arm) Any last words?

Russell: Just two. (Places Red Stone on the metal door) Episode five.

Ed: Episode five? (Russell creates a hose) Ohhh, Episode FIIIIIIIIIIVE!

Fletcher: Brother, no! Making the Red Stone is wrong! Dad wouldn't want it!

Russell: You instantly persuade me away from the project I have been working on for so long.

Ed: That seemed pretty convenient.

Soldier: (Knocking on door) Elric-san! Elric-San! Is everything all right?

Ed: Wait, this isn't right! We still haven't resolved everything!

Al: Sorry, we've run out of time.

Ed: No! It can't end like this!

Al: I'm afraid it can. This episode-

TO BE CONTINUED….

Al: -Is a two-parter.

Ed: YOU PEOPLE ARE THE MOST EVIL ANIME COMPANY IN ALL OF JAPAN!

Fletcher: Don't worry! I'll stop the guards by creating a tree from the door without taking away any of the mass.

Ed: Doesn't anyone in this damn anime know the rules of alchemy?

Al: Oh don't you start, you big hypocrite!

Vercio: The Red Stone? Yes, Nash Tringham was working on it, and was convinced that the prosperity of a few was far more important than the deaths of many. Elisa was one of the newborns that got sick. Thankfully, though, an alchemist doctor named Marcoh came and used some shining artifact to heal her.

Ed: Dr. Marcoh? Al, do you know what this means?

Al: That the only thing that can cancel out a cheap imitation is the original which means that Dr Marcoh must have used the Philosopher's Stone to heal the sick which means that if we find this Dr. Marcoh we can find the Philosopher's Stone to restore our original bodies?

Ed: Well there's that. But more importantly, if we find Dr Marcoh we can finally return to the canon plot!

Ed: Oh no! The town is about to be flooded by the Red Water!

Fletcher: Don't worry! I can use tree alchemy to absorb all the red water!

Ed: He's- he's making the trees grow bigger without adding to the mass!

Al: Brother, don't.

Ed: But he's- he's making them grow without adding to the mass. He's creating mass out of thin air! It completely defies the concept of Equivalent Exchange!

Al: Brother, face it, alchemists in this series are as faithful to the rules as duelists are in Yu-Gi-Oh.

Ed: Yu-Gi-Oh doesn't remind everyone the major concept of the rules every episode! What's the point about talking about equivalent exchange if no one abides it?

Ed: Well Russell, since you only wanted to increase the prosperity of a few at the cost of dozens of lives, I guess I won't press any charges against you violating my copyright.

Russell: That won't stop some zealous fans from making my life miserable.

Ed: It never does.

Al: Well our train is here, so we must be going.

Ed: Wait, can't we stay long enough for the town to apologise to us for accusing us of theft?

Al: No, sorry, the train's here.

Ed: Awwww. You feel bad about accusing us of lying, don't you Elisa?

Elisa: Bye Big Brothers! I'll miss you!

Ed: Grrrr. There's no justice in the world.

Al: So where to now, Brother?

Ed: Back to East Headquarters. We need to see Colonel Mustang. He's bound to know something about Dr. Marcoh.

Al: Then we can find him and find out what he knows about the Philosopher's Stone!

Ed: Forget that! Returning to the canon plot is far more important!

Mustang: So, Ed, how has the anime been?

Ed: Lousy. Well the first two episodes were okay, then we went into a sixteen episode flashback, followed by a two episode arc about a Robin Hood phonie who could perform alchemy just with her breasts, and finally we had to endure a four episode saga about a lame imitation of the Philosopher's Stone! So all in all, it's been a pretty good adaptation so far.

Mustang: And how is the manga I gave you?

Manga: I am outraged at how much those immoral people at Bones have mutilated perhaps the greatest manga in all of Japan!

Mustang: I can see you're as unsatisfied as ever.

Ed: We need to find Dr Marcoh so that we can return to the canon plot.

Hughes: And get the Philosopher's Stone from him in order to restore your original bodies?

Ed: Yeah. That too.

Hughes: Well your best bet is to ask Mustang.

Ed: I've tried but he's not saying anything.

Hughes: Then you've got to get the information from him in some way.

Ed: Hmmmmm. Wait, that's it!

Mustang: An arena styled duel? Why?

Ed: Because Shonen Anime law requires every shonen anime to have at least one arena styled duel.

Al: So much for us being the only original shonen anime/manga.

Mustang: Well I suppose that if I got along with this, I'll become some sort of rival.

Al: I rest my case.

Ed: All right! We got the information! Now we're on our way to meet Dr Marcoh and finally return to the canon plot!

Al: And get the Philosopher's Stone from him so we can restore our original bodies.

Ed: And get the Philosopher's Stone from him so we can restore our original bodies.

Hughes: There's talk about this serial killer who's been murdering national alchemists. Among the rumours, there are some that say that he cuts open the victim's head, and eats their brain!

Scar: Thank you for the information regarding the whereabouts of the Fullmetal Alchemist. (Drops body) Now I shall be able to fulfill the will of Hiromu Arakawa by trying to kill Edward Elric, as it is written. And drawn. And published in manga format.

TO BE CONTINUED...