Kuro666, my dear, it was not my intention to write something sad for you. :) But I am a sad, defeated person right now so it's all I can do. XD All the same, here is your most inadequate prize for the contest! :) I wish I could do better for you, but I hope you like it all the same!
To everyone else, I hope you like this! :)
"Tu es bon pour le Cinquante-Quatre" ("You're ready for the 54") is an idiom I remember from my first year of French. :) It means "You're crazy!" because the 54th was the only train that went all the way to the asylum, therefore, if one said "You're ready for the 54!" he/she would be suggesting that you were ready to be shipped off to the asylum.
You will understand this by the end (I hope XD).
-bows-
-S
When he first slips I will be there to catch him.
"Gensui!"
"Oh! Kanda! Hello!"
"Are you okay?"
He looks around at the ground as if unsure whether he's really on the floor or not and then up at me.
"Are you okay, gensui?" I put my hand out for him and he takes it.
For a long time.
He looks at me and my hand on his when it used to be the other way around and I feel it. It is sudden like a twig snapping.
Something has changed.
I pull him up and try to erase it, but I do not know how big it is yet.
He says, dusting himself off between glances at the place he is still unsure he was sitting, "I don't know…"
When he first forgets I will be there to remind him. When he forgets again
"Where were you? I could not find you at lunch."
"Lunch?" He asks like it's a foreign word. Like he's never heard it before.
I have never seen his eyes so awake. But they should not be.
"Yes, lunch! You know," I eat the air for him, to make him understand, but it does not taste good today, "lunch."
He lurches enough to make me lurch too.
"Gensui!"
Then flattens, deflates. He puts a hand to his forehead and hides his eyes on the empty paper in front of him so I cannot know what is in them for sure but I can guess very well.
"Lunch…" he says like it's a crying word. Like it breaks hearts. And this is not too far from the truth. "Lunch…"
I will lie
"He is not hungry."
and lie
"He took a late breakfast, Marie."
and lie until he remembers.
"Che! Don't snicker at me, moyashi! So what if I have two servings? It's nothing compared to you!"
I will keep lying a long time. When his hand shakes for the first time I will be there and not know what to do, but
"I brought you- What's wrong?" I do not knock and wish I still knew how.
He is not crying. He is somewhere else beyond crying and I do not know where it is or how to get there to bring him back.
I go to him.
"What has happened, gensui?"
He brings his eyes inside and away from where the sun is hiding but he does not bring them to me. He will not bring them to me.
"I can't…" very, very quietly he can't, "I can't draw, Kanda…"
"Why not?"
It is a simple question but a hard answer. So hard he looks at me so I can understand.
"What? What?" They come out sharp and angry enough for both of us. "Let me see! I do not believe it!"
He takes them out from underneath the desk. They are pressed together tight and still they shake, bouncing in his lap like water in a hot pan and his eyes are bouncing too, following his hands.
I look from the jumpy hands to the jumpy eyes until the jumpy eyes find mine.
They do not stop.
I will make something up.
I think about a time when my hands were jumpy too, a day I trained so, so long. I remember what he told me then and try my best to say it now.
"Well, gensui…they are just tired, no? They have worked a long time, yes? A very long time…" I put mine over his, unsure, but once I put words into my mouth they somehow keep coming out and I have to do what they say, "They are tired, gensui, just tired. Here, I will rub them for you so they can go to sleep, okay?" I take them very carefully and prop them on my knee.
I have never seen them so close before.
I never knew they were so broken.
So beat up.
So battered.
Very tired indeed.
I rub my thumb down a muscle and find it to be strong, hard, an immovable bulge. He is strong, my gensui, and I realize this has never occurred to me before.
He is strong.
I look up and offer a smile, soft and small because I don't practice, while I search for those eyes. I find them along with a little smile peeking out from underneath his moustache.
They are still.
"Thank you, Kanda."
When he falls asleep I will sit beside him.
I find a quiet room and set the lunch down fast and sloppy because he is not moving at his desk. But as soon as my hand closes tight on his back I am sorry for it.
"Hm!" He sits up with a jerk and I try so, so hard not to be angry at us.
"You…you are tired, gensui…"
I will spend many days inside that could be spent far away. They will not be wasted days.
"But your chair is not the best place to sleep, yes?" I let my hand go soft and slide down his spine. "You can rest…just not here, okay?"
He is searching everywhere for something to say and finds it in the pool of things-I-cannot-speak that swishes around in my eyes but never spills over.
"I didn't mean to scare you, Kanda," he smiles with his mouth closed and his eyes open. "Of course, I didn't intend to doze off in the first place."
A little chuckle slips out with the words. Just a little one but I have not heard laughter in so long and he has always had the sweetest way of releasing the humor trapped inside him so I can not-care about how what he said was true, not-care that I was afraid, was scared.
Am scared.
Even though he can smile for me and laugh for me I am not fooled and I see that he's still tired.
He is all tired.
And I cannot rub all that away.
I am finally seeing what it is that I am trying to erase and realizing what impossible means, but I can make him go to bed this day.
And I do.
He lets me pull him to his bed and make him lay down, he lets me tug the covers up in my rough way (because I don't practice) while he pretends I do a good job. He lets me take a hand to my knees. Run a thumb down the muscle. And back.
He lets me because he is already asleep.
When he cannot sleep I will sit beside him.
It is a strange night. I am coming home and I know better than to go to my room.
From the moment I stepped inside I could hear him walking up and down his little room by his little window in the little hours of the morning. I could hear them all the while as I made my way to his door and until now as I am staring at the light around it. The sound is no louder.
I open the door and he turns fast, eyes open to catch me in them and hands falling to his sides- the world goes empty.
There is a long, long while for looking and seeing.
We both find surprise. I find the place beyond tears. He finds that I am tired.
"Kanda!" I find his shoulder under my chin. He finds my hair against his cheek. "Mon amour, mon petit amour! Je me suis perdu…Quand tu étais loin de moi, je me suis perdu, mon petit amour. Quand tu t'es envolé cette fois, mon petit oiseau, ma vie était vide. J'ai eu peur."
I find no words I understand. He finds an answer all the same.
"Hai, gensui, hai. Wakaru. Wakaru."
I do not leave this night. There is no reason to.
When they take him away they will not tell me
"Marie, he is not here! He is not here!"
"The general? He's not in his room?"
"No." I stand very still and angry while he listens. His face does not make me happy.
"Kanda, I can't hear him. He's not here."
but I will find out anyways.
"Where did you take him? What were you thinking? He's still a general, isn't he, you idiot? That's what we get for too many years of service, a one-way ticket out to anywhere convenient? Where did you take him?"
Where did you take him? Don't you know he doesn't eat? Don't you know his hands shake?
"Where is he?"
Don't you know he can't sleep? Don't you know he can't stay awake?
"You can't just take him away from us, you bastard!"
You can't just take him away from me. You bastard.
When we meet again I will not let go.
"Sir, you have a visitor here."
"Mm."
"Shall I let him in?"
"Mm."
The silly woman shrugs at me and bends the knob in a way that shows that she is guessing he means yes. Silly woman.
They took him away from us to give him to a bunch of silly people who do not understand like we do, like I do- but I must not be angry now.
He is sitting by the window and all at once I see everything- the untouched bed, the full lunch tray- and him.
My gensui.
"Tiedoll…Froi! Gensui!" I shout now and he turns around and stands and pushes his way through the nothingness between us all at once.
I find his shoulder under my chin. He finds my hair with his fingers, tight.
"Mon petit oiseau…tu es revenu…tu es revenu…tu es ici…"
"Hai, gensui. Hai."
When he asks I will not say no.
"Kanda," his voice is soft these days, "tu me permets de te dessiner? Depuis le jour où nous nous sommes rencontrés j'ai toujours voulu te dessiner…" He is playing his fingers over the paper that always sits empty on the windowsill and his eyes go from me to the ground to the paper to me.
My brows furrow, trying to understand and I question back, "You want to draw?"
He nods, understanding but not able to speak the words I use. He is scared to try them so he stays with the words he has always known.
"Oui…te me permets? Tu?"
"Me? You want to draw…me?"
"Oui! Tu me permets?"
I understand now and my brows bend the opposite way.
He has asked me before, many times. It has never happened. I have always had my way.
I sit.
I smile out of sickness. Is it not always the way? Now that I am ready to be more than a selfish little boy it is too late.
I stand.
"Gensui, your hands. Do you not remember?" I take them to my knee and start to rub them without thinking of it. But he turns them over to meet mine, palm to palm, and holds them tight. He looks at me with his hands on mine like it used to be and I am small again.
"Kanda, mon chéri, mon petit oiseau…Tu t'es occupé de moi depuis le jour, ce jour. Tu souviens? Le jour où je suis tombé pour la première fois, oui? Mes mains s'étaient endormies depuis ce jour. Elles peuvent se réveiller aujourd'hui. Elles peuvent se lever. J'ai toujours voulu te dessiner, tu sais…avant que tu ne t'envoles de nouveau…" He smiles with his mouth closed and his eyes open. "Tu comprends?"
I cling to the one or two words I think I understand, nothing is coming to mind, I cannot even begin to guess what one more European language means, even if it his beautiful, soft European language.
They are so far from me.
But the beautiful, soft- that I understand, I understand my gensui's voice even though I don't understand his words. I think over what I heard and put in the words I know fit in his tones - Kanda…Do you remember? Yes? Since that day my hands…I have always wanted to draw you, you know…before you -
Tu comprends?
"Yes, gensui. I understand." I hold tight too.
"Ah…merci mille fois, mon petit oiseau!" He holds my face and puts his lips on my cheek like he has always wanted to (and like I have always wanted him to).
"I will sit on the sill, okay?"
"Ah!" he shakes his head, then nods once, grandly. "Parfait!"
Perfect.
"J'ai toujours pensé que tu étais un artiste…"
I've always thought you were an artist.
I smile out of happiness for the first time in so, so long and feel something warm where a heart might be, not just because I am in the sun.
He sits in front of the door so no one will take it away from us and starts so, so slowly to catch me in our window.
Avant que tu ne t'envoles de nouveau. Before I fly away again.
When he first slips I will catch him. When he first forgets I will be there to remind him. When he forgets again I will lie and lie and lie until he remembers. I will keep lying a long time. When his hand shakes for the first time I will be there and not know what to do, but I will make something up. When he falls asleep I will sit beside him. I will spend many days inside that could be spent far away. They will not be wasted days. When he cannot sleep I will sit beside him. When they take him away they will not tell me, but I will find out anyways. When we meet again I will not let go. When he asks I will not say no. But there is one day when I will not be able to do anything anymore. And that is the day I fear the most.
When he opens the cage
"Sir, your visitor is here!" She pushes the sliver into a slice into a hunk into his room and leaves.
I walk in slowly. He did not say "Mm" today.
and sets me free
"Gensui…" I stop in the middle of the floor in the middle of everything and feel so, so small.
He turns around from the window and his face is happy. But empty.
I try to speak but no words will come.
I do not know any.
"Bonjour!"
Hello.
"Qui êtes-vous? Est-ce que nous nous sommes rencontrés?"
Who are you? Have we met?
I will not fly away. I am his little bird.
The pool of things-I-cannot-speak becomes a river and escapes my eyes at last after so, so long. And the words I've tried to learn, commit to heart, come spilling out somehow for the first and final time because I will never need them again (but for once, I have practiced).
"Je suis ton petit oiseau! Mais qui s'est envolé?"
Kanda started doing a bit of translations for you towards the end, but I will do a more thorough job here XD:
1.) "Mon amour, mon petit amour! Je me suis perdu…Quand tu étais loin de moi, je me suis perdu, mon petit amour. Quand tu t'es envolé cette fois, mon petit oiseau, ma vie était vide. J'ai eu peur.."- "Kanda! My love, my little love! I got lost...When you were far away from me, I got lost, my little love. When you flew away this time, my little bird, my life was empty. I was afraid." (Some of you who have read our other works may remember Kanda being described as "un petit oiseau" or Kanda singing the song "Mon Petit Oiseau"...in our little world he has somehow become linked to that, so that's why he will forever be, in our stories, Tiedoll's "petit oiseau". :3)
2.)"Hai, gensui, hai. Wakaru. Wakaru."- "Yes, general, yes. I understand. I understand." (A thousand thank yous to fellow -er 99bottlesofbeer, my Japanese translator! XD)
3.) "Mon petit oiseau…tu es revenu…tu es revenu…tu es ici…" - "My little bird...you have come back...you have come back...you are here..."
4.)"Kanda, tu me permets de te dessiner? Depuis le jour où nous nous sommes rencontrés j'ai toujours voulu te dessiner…" - "Kanda, will you allow me to draw you? Since the day we met I have always wanted to draw you..."
5.) "Kanda, mon chéri, mon petit oiseau…Tu t'es occupé de moi depuis le jour, ce jour. Tu souviens? Le jour où je suis tombé pour la première fois, oui? Mes mains s'étaient endormies depuis ce jour. Elles peuvent se réveiller aujourd'hui. Elles peuvent se lever. J'ai toujours voulu te dessiner, tu sais…avant que tu ne t'envoles de nouveau…Tu comprends?" - "Kanda, my love, my little bird...You have taken care of me since the day, that day. Do you remember? The day when I fell for the first time, yes? My hands have slept since that day. They can wake up today. They can get up. I have always wanted to draw you, you know...before you fly away again...Do you understand?"
6.) "Ah…merci mille fois, mon petit oiseau!- "A thousand thank yous, my little bird!"
7.) "Ah! Parfait! J'ai toujours pensé que tu étais un artiste…"- Perfect! I've always thought you were an artisit..."
8.) Kanda's bit at the end: "Je suis ton petit oiseau! Mais qui s'est envolé?"- "I am your little bird! But who has flown away?" (That last little paragraph was supposed to suggest that he'd been trying to learn some French independently so he could talk to/understand Tiedoll).
A THOUSAND THANK YOUS TO UATHANN!!! I begged her to help me with all the french after it was posted. XD I should have fixed everything now...
Questions? Comments? Homicidal urges? Feel free to address those or anything else in a review!
A thousand thank yous for reading!
-bows-
-S