The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year, a death note fanfic

Ah. That time of year again. We really crammed to get this written in time… especially considering the dozen other Halloween fics we were writing for other fandoms…

So, a bit of lovely Halloween fun, in script format.

Ignore the severe out-of-cannonness. It was just for fun. We do not know when, where, or how this is taking place, but… eh. :P

And OOC? A little. BB is possessed… A is a stereotypical emo kid (hey, you never know…) and Mikami is… well, you'll see. ;)

Hope you enjoy!

A:(gazing moodily out the window) "Oh… the tragic and beautiful pain… and suffering… what is life, but a black abyss, just spiraling endlessly downward, grabbing a hold of me in a lethal, deathlike chokehold. Sometimes, I just wish it all would end, and I know that no one would miss me… Perhaps, on this day of all days, Halloween, I will finally be freed of this mortal shell, allowed to leave behind the cold, pitiless world that I have been cruelly shackled to all this time… I should write my eulogy in blood, so that any who find my mercifully lifeless body might know the heartbreaking story of a boy who simply wasn't good enough - if, indeed, anyone even cares…" (he pauses) "That was good. I should have written it down, so I could post it online…"

(Mello and Matt walk in)

Mello: "I'm telling you, there's something wrong with that kid."

Matt: "You're overreacting! Seriously, he's always like that."

Mello: "Are you kidding? I keep waiting for his head to rotate around and vomit split pea soup!"

Matt: (catching sight of A) "Oh… hello, A. What's up?"

A: "What's up? Oh, what a question. With all the pain and anguish in the world, what difference does it make what's going on me? No one cares about me… and no one should…" (he looks away, wiping his eyes)

Mello: "You need more chocolate in you're life."

A: (takes a deep, shuddering breath) "Who were you guys talking about, anyway?"

Matt: "Beyond… Mello thinks he's possessed or something…"

A: "Beyond? He's my only friend… The only person who truly understands me…"

Mello: "He's fucking insane."

Matt:(looking at A meaningfully) "Which explains a lot…"

A: "Why do you think he's possessed?"

Matt: "We were, you know, in his room, and Mello said 'Jesus Christ', and B hissed at us."

Mello:(for emphasis) "He actually hissed. Like a fucking snake or something."

A: (completely missing the point) "There is no God, you hear me? …No God…" (he sniffles, then begins muttering to himself) "There's only one way out… I have to kill myself…"

Mello:(rolling his eyes, taking a bite of chocolate) "Oh no, A. Don't."

A: "Why not? We're all going to die anyway… what difference does it make if it's today, or eighty years from now…?"

Mello: "Well, you got my approval." (he waves a hand dismissively) "Off you go."

A: "You don't think I'll actually do it?"

Mello: "Oh, I know you won't."

A: "And what if I do?"

Mello:(rolling his eyes again) "Then I'll admit that I was horribly wrong, and that I never understood you, and I'll spend my life wallowing guilt." (takes an angry bite of chocolate) "Happy now?"

A:(shrugs) "Alright. Give me until the end of the day. You'll be sorry when I'm gone, Mello… very sorry indeed…"

Mello: "I'll give you a whole year - you'll never pull it off."

A: "You wait! Just you wait…" (he trudges out of the room)

(Light and L, in the midst of a heated argument, brush past him in the doorway without so much as a backward glance)

L: "I just don't think it's wise to make rude gestures at other drivers."

Light: "He cut you off!"

L: "It doesn't matter! You do not antagonize a man whose bumper sticker says 'If you're close enough to read this, I'll kill you'."

Light: "Big talk from a Volkswagen."

L: "Twelve percent, Light-kun."

Light: "For what now?!"

L: "Trying to inspire road rage. A very Kira-like thing to do…"

Light: "I'm not Kira!"

L: "I never said you were. It is simply that you are a suspect, and I am the detective, and I am thus inclined to analyze your actions."

Matt: (whispering, to Mello) "I swear, they fight like an old married couple."

Mello: (grinning) "It's almost better than daytime TV."

Light:(ignoring them) "You know something, L? I am sick and tired of all this Kira stuff! Day in, day out, that's all you talk about! I am getting a little fed up with constantly being accused of being a mass murderer!"

L: "Maybe Light-kun should not be so conspicuous, then."

Light: "I'm just being myself! Do you have a problem with that or something?"

L: "I like Light-kun. But he is a suspect--"

Light: "I don't care! I can't stand another moment in your presence! I'd rather be handcuffed to… to…"

(B walks in)

Light: "To him!"

(Matt and Mello gasp theatrically, reeling away in mock horror. B simply eyes the scene before him blandly, then licks a bit of jam from his fingers)

L: "That is not going to happen, Light-kun. You know that the reason we are handcuffed together is that only I am able to notice certain tip-offs that might reveal that you are Kira. Even B is not qualified to do that."

(B looks at them, then suddenly bursts into laughter. Light and L edge away nervously.)

B: "I am to qualified, L. I can watch him… for you…"

Light: "Er… maybe I spoke too soon… When I said that I'd rather be handcuffed to him, I really meant--"

L:"I don't think that is a wise idea, Beyond."

B:(lunges forward, clutching to the bottoms of L's baggy jeans) "I'm just as qualified as you are, L! I'm your successor! I can do this! I can make him confess! I really can!"

L: "…"

B:(sobbing hysterically) "Really, L! I'm doing the work, I'm not a slacker! I can do this! Please, let me watch him! C'mon, look it, I'm really qualified, I swear!"

L: "B--"

B: "Please, gimme gimme gimme! I need, I need, I need--"

L: (quickly) "Alright, alright!!"

Light: "Wait, what?!"

B: (leaps to his feet, beaming) "You won't regret it, I promise! Kyha ha ha hah!"

(L looks nervous, then begins unlocking the handcuff on his own wrist)

Light: "…"

B: (examining the handcuff, now on his wrist) "Hahaha… Oh, this is going to be fun…" (he stalks off up the stairs, dragging Light along behind him)

Light: (clinging to the stair rail before disappearing from sight) "Help… me."

(Mello and Matt cheerfully wave goodbye)

Mello:(still smiling broadly) "Dead man walking."

L: (once they are out of sight) "Where's Near?"

Mello: (looking guiltily at the ceiling) "Oh, I don't know… Don't worry, he's a smart kid, he's probably not in any serious trouble…"

Matt: "And he's certainly not locked up in a broom closet somewhere…"

(Mello nudges him roughly)

L: (sighs) "Mello, that's the third time this week…"

Mello:(snarls) "Yeah, well, this time he was asking for it!"

(L snatches away Mello's chocolate bar and holds it out of reach)

Mello: "HEY!"

L: "Are you gonna let Near play?"

Mello: "Play?! This isn't a g--"

L: "Are you gonna let Near play?"

Mello: "Give me my chocolate! I need that!"

L: "Are you gonna let Near play?"

Mello: "This is--"

L: "Are you gonna let Near play?"

Mello: (explosively) "Oh, ALRIGHT!" (he grabs the chocolate back and stalks toward the door)

(In the next room, A is sprawled out on the couch, one hand flung dramatically across his forehead.)

A: (smirks at Mello) "Well, I've done it now. I've taken the lethal overdose of sleeping pills. I only have a few minutes left, and then… blissful darkness! You were wrong, Mello. Admit it!"

Mello: "Well, it does seem that I've misjudged--" (he picks up the empty bottle laying next to A) "Hang on a second… This is MucinEx."

A: "It's wha…" (he examines the label) "…Oh."

Matt: "You took a whole bottle of MucinEx? I wonder what that's going to do…"

L: "A, why are you trying to kill yourself?"

A: (points at Mello) "He dared me!"

L: (warningly) "Mello…"

Mello: (sighs) "Should've known that one was going to come back to haunt me."

L: (turning back to A) "A, I forbid you from continuing with such dangerous practices."

(Mello sticks out his tongue in the background. A glares.)

L: (not noticing this) "Usually, I would punish you for this reckless endangerment of your own life… but I have a feeling that what you're about to experience is punishment enough." (he smiles ominously and walks off toward the hallway, hands in his pockets)

(Matt and Mello begin to follow him)

Matt: (to A) "I'll bring you some Kleenex, okay?"

A: "Leave me alone! I just want to be left alone!" (he runs off in tears)

Matt: "…Weirdo."

(Meanwhile, B and Light are upstairs getting to know one another)

Light: (obviously uncomfortable) "So… This weather… crazy, huh?"

B: (stares at him, not blinking) "Sure."

Light: (increasingly nervous) "…So how have you been?"

B: "Fine."

Light: "That's good to hear."

(Awkward silence)

Light: "I've been pretty good myself."

(No response)

Light: "I mean… minus the whole handcuffed to an insomniac thing." (he gives a nervous laugh)

(B stares at him)

Light: "…Not that I mind, you know. I mean… L, he's great… Really he is…" (trails off) "Please don't hurt me."

(B does not reply, instead shuffling closer, until he is holding his face inches away from Light's)

Light: "…Could you… you know, not do that? …Or maybe you could try to blink a few times…"

B: (in a low, guttural voice) "Corpora lente augescent cito extinguuntur, respice post te, mortalem te esse memento, morituri te salutamus, ars moriendi…"

Light:(panicky) "Wh-what?"

(Mello is leading the way down the hallway, L and Matt following along behind. There is the sound of muffled sobbing coming from behind a closed door)

Mello: "Near? You okay in there?"

Near:(sniffles, then, sarcastically) "Oh, yes, I'm fine, Mello. Absolutely fantastic."

Mello:(turns to L) "See? He's fine. He likes it in there. I think the chemicals calm him down." (starts to walk off) "Can we go now?"

L:(deadpan) "Let him out, Mello."

(Mello begins growling under his breath, but holds up a key chain)

Matt: "Hey, where were you hiding that? You don't exactly have pockets…"

Mello: "Trust me when I say that there are some things you're better off not knowing."

Matt: "…Urgh."

Mello:(flipping through the keys, trying to find the right one) "So, Near… Is that spider still there?"

Near: (with a forced laugh) "Oh, I think he's realized he's more afraid of me than I am of-- He's not in his corner! He's not in his corner!!" (calming suddenly) "Oh, there it is. Found him."

(Mello snickers, then looks at the door critically)

Mello: "Well… it looks like it locks from the inside… here, I'll slide the key under the door to you."

Near: "Okay. No problem, take your time, no need to panic…"

(Mello kneels down to slide the key to Near, then pauses suddenly, tilting his head to the side)

Mello: "…There's a small problem. There is no 'under'. It's sealed tight."

Near: "Sealed?" (pauses) "Alright. This isn't so bad." (he is obviously breathing faster) "Don't panic, Mello, just try to remain calm…"

Mello: (standing up) "Well, we'll just have to find Roger and get him to him to let us break it down… He's not going to like that…"

Near: (hyperventilating) "For the last time, Mello, I told you not to panic, and so don't make me say it again, I have to conserve oxygen!"

L:(glares at Mello) "I'll go find Roger." (he slouches off down the hallway)

Matt: "Ha… Hey, wait, for me!" (runs off after him)

Mello:(to Near) "Just… er… hang in there, okay? We're going to… umm… rescue you--"

L:(off-screen, to Mello) "Mello, you stay there!"

Mello: "WHAT?!"

Matt: (also off-screen) "Haha, good luck with that!"

(Mello glares after them, looking to be on the verge of physical violence, then turns to the closet door and gives a reluctant sigh)

Watari: "I'm just here to break up the action!"

(L and Matt are progressing down the hall, when Matt suddenly draws to a halt)

Matt: "Do you smell that?"

L: "…Yes. It smells faintly like something burning…"

(They look confused for a moment, then, realization dawns. Cue horrified glances.)

Matt: "A!"

(Unanimously, they run toward the kitchen area… Whereupon they find A kneeling on the linoleum floor, his head in the oven)

Matt: "Oh no! A! It's okay, we're going to save you!" (he lunges forward, pulling A sharply backward)

A: (struggling) "What the-- get off, it hurts me! Oh, the pain!"

L: "A, what are you thinking?! I've strictly forbidden you from killing yourself!"

A:(squirming away from Matt) "The oven's not even on! I couldn't figure out how to work the controls!" (he begins sobbing) "I'm a failure! I can't even commit suicide properly!"

Matt: "But… we smelled something burning…"

(There is a small silence as they all realize the implications of this. As if on cue, there is an ominous shriek from the stairway, and in the next moment, Light appears, bolting down the steps, both running from B and dragging him along at the same time. B, for his part, is brandishing what appears to be a flaming crucifix…)

Light:"HELP ME!! OH GOD, RUN FOR YOUR LIVEEEEES!!"

(The handcuffed pair darts out of the room, crashing down the hallway, screams and demented laughter gradually fading into the distance)

L: "…"

A: "…"

Matt: "…"

L: "Hmm… I believe that Light-kun may be in immediate danger of bodily harm…"

Matt:(sarcastically, gesturing to L) "He's a detective, you know."

Mello: "You still okay in there?"

Near:(monotone) "Honestly, must you ask me that every five minutes? You're beginning to bear an annoying resemblance to a cranky five year on a long road trip, incessantly asking "Are we there yet?" while the parents must endlessly chant "Not yet!" until they reach their destination, at which point nobody even cares."

Mello: "Jesus, no need to get all pissy! I'm just checking to make sure you've got enough air."

Near: "If I run out, I'll tell you!" (pauses, considering this) "…Well, maybe not."

Mello:(checks his watch and groans) "Where are they? Roger's not that difficult to find…"

Near: "Roger? You'd have more luck trying to find Waldo."

Mello: "Who the hell is Waldo?"

Near:(a little annoyed) "You've never touched a book in your life, have you?"

Mello: "I will not even dignify that with an answer." (glowers) "Except to say that I find it ludicrous."

Near: "Clever."

Mello: "Shut up! That's what got you into this mess in the first place! You and you're smartass comments--"

Near: "You locked me in here for revenge?"

Mello: "Damn right."

Near: "Haven't you ever heard the expression, "Living well is the best revenge"?"

Mello:(sarcastic) "It's an absolutely fabulous expression. I just don't know how true it is. Don't see it turning up in a lot of opera plots. "Ludwig, maddened by the poisoning of his entire family, wreaks vengeance on Gunther in the third act by living well!" Oh, how very fabulous it is!"

Near: "Alright, Mello…"

Mello:(continuing) "How about this… "Whereupon Woton, discovering his deception, wreaks vengeance on Gunther in the third act again by living even better than the Duke." Does that sound logical to you?!"

Near: "Forget I said anything."

(Cut to a shot of B sitting outside of a closed door, looked very nonplused, but definitely much calmer than the last time he was seen)

B:(whining) "Light-kun, this is defeating the purpose of the handcuffs. L is going to kill me…" (muttering to himself) "And I don't mean that in a cute, funny way, like "Oh my gosh, he's gonna kill me!"… I mean, he will STOP MY HEART."

Light:(after a stony silence) "Tell me, B, do you have trouble sleeping when your bed floats around the room too much?"

B:(sarcastic) "Yes, and I've been using a small crucifix in place of a toothpick, too." (sighs) "Why on earth has everyone been making comments like that lately?"

Light: "I don't know if you've noticed, but you're suddenly fluent in Latin."

B: "I've sort of wondered about that, too…" (he gives a high-pitched laugh) "So. Anyway. What is Light-kun doing at the present moment?"

Light: "I'm flipping through the yellow pages to try and find an exorcist."

B: "You're actually buying into that?"

Light: "Better safe than sorry. It is Halloween, after all…"

B: "It's… what?!"

Light: "Halloween. You know, All Hallows Eve?"

B:(jumps to his feet) "It's L's birthday! We've gotta do something!"

(He begins to run off down the hall, but is pulled backward when the handcuffs go taut)

Light:(muffled) "Owe."

L: "Hmm… Roger seems to be rather elusive today…"

Matt: "Yeah. Weird thing, he's usually right there when I've done something wrong… then, when I actually want to see him, he's no where to be found…"

L:(opening a side door) "Indeed… what is this?"

Matt:(examining the closet he's opened) "Hey, look, bored games! Wow, this must be, like, Near's secret stash or something…" (he shoots a sideways glance over at L) "You want to mess with him? We could switch the cards from Monopoly with the ones from Trivial Pursuit… and rewire Operation…"(snickers)

L:(firmly) "No."

Matt: "Alright, just a suggestion… Say, what's this?" (he pulls out a darkly colored box) "Would you look at that! An Ouija board! How fitting!"

L: "It's just a commercialized piece of card board, Matt."

Matt: "No, these things work!" (he immediately flips it out of the box and presses the pointer to the board) "Are there any spirits present?"

L: "Matt, this is a waste of time. We need to be at least attempting to find Roger."

Matt: "Just wait… Waiiiit for it… It's okay, these things can take a moment to-- Whoa."

(The pointer suddenly jerks towards "Yes")

Matt: "Wow. Well… What is your name, spirit?"

L: "I see no point whatsoever in this exercise."

(The board moves to…)

Matt: "Look, it's spelling something!"

L:(eyes him for a moment) "I'm leaving."

Matt:(transfixed) "Waaaaiiiit… it's so cool…"

(L walks off)

(Meanwhile, Light has pulled out his cell phone and is having a series of failed conversations with possible "yellow pages exorcists.")

Light: "Hello? Yes, I was wondering if…" (pauses, then looks down) "Er, just a regular shirt." (another pause) "Blue." (longer pause, then he looks disgusted, and hangs up)

(Next phone call:)

Light: "Hello--"

(There is a piercing scream. He looks at the phone, frowning, then hangs up.)

(Third time's the charm?)

Light: "Hi--"

Creepy voice over the phone: "If you have a problems… with a demon… you have called the right numbeeeeerrrrrr…"

Light: "…Okay…"

Creepy voice over the phone: "Do you have a problem… have you or a loved one been demonically posesseeeeeeed…?"

Light: "What are you, a Ringwraith or something?"

Creepy voice over the phone: "Answer… the questiiiiiionnnnn…"

Light: "Well. Not exactly… it's a guy that my "friend" handcuffed me to. So, as you can see, it's sort of important that we get him… uh… cleansed, or whatever you call it…"

Creepy voice over the phone: "It sounds… like you have a real problem… we will send someone oveeeeeer…."

Light:(a little unnerved) "Er, no, that's okay--"

Creepy voice over the phone: "We must protect you from… eeeeviiiiillll…"

(Creepy guy hangs up. Light gives a huge sigh.)

Mello: "So… you still alive?"

Near: "Yep."

Matt: "Is there anything I can do for you, spirit?"

Board:Leave.

Matt: "You want me to leave?"

Board:Dumb ass.

Matt: "Hey! I've got an IQ higher than freaking Einstein! Don't call me names, you jerk!"

Board:Bitch.

Matt: "What?! You're-- oh, you're saying you're going to be my bitch, is that it?!"

Board:You wish.

Matt: "Why would I waste a wish on that?"

Board:I know where you live.

Matt: "Is that a threat?"

Board:Yes.

Matt: "You're threatening me? You know what, I could throw you against the wall right now, and you would smash. So don't you threaten me!"

Board:Fine.

Matt: "Fine!"

Board:What are you wearing?

Matt: "Was that supposed to be pervy or something?"

Board:Kidding.

Matt: "Well, it's not funny!"

Board:Fine.

Matt: (pauses, then speaks very slowly and calmly) "Is Beyond Birthday possessed?"

Board: Antichrist.

Matt: "He's possessed by the antichrist?"

Board: No.

Matt: "…Are you saying that he is the antichrist?"

Board: Yes.

Matt: "Are you sure?"

Board: Not stupid.

Matt: "I don't believe you."

Board: Scared.

Matt: "I should be scared?"

Board: No.

Matt: "Are you scared?"

Board:Yes.

Matt: "Of what?"

Board:Beyond Birthday.

Matt: "B scares you? But, aren't you like, a big bad spirit? He's just some random guy…"

Board:Fucking terrifying. …Goodbye.

Matt: "…Well, goodbye then…"

A:(sobbing) "I can't even tie a noose properly!"

(The doorbell rings. Light appears in the hallway, dragging a very reluctant looking B along behind him.)

Light: "Who is it?"

Dark and creepy voice: "You called for an exorcist?"

Light: (opening the door) "Sorry about-- MIKAMI?!!"

Mikami:(stares) "Oh… no."

Light: "You're… you're… I didn't know that you…"

Mikami:(blushing violently) "It's a part time job, that's all, I swear! Don't fire me, God!"

Light:(glancing furtively at B) "I'm not God…" (shoots his servant a "just play along" look)

B: "Hee hee hee…" (eyes Mikami, then, speaks to Light) "I don't like him. He's weird."

(B turns to walk off, but Light gives a forceful tug on the handcuffs to pull him back.)

Mikami: "…So… I'll just be leaving--"

Light: "No! Stay! Don't leave me alone with them…"

B: "I think he should leave."

Mikami:(looking at B) "Let me guess… he's the victim?"

Light: "You're good."

Mikami: "Thank you, G… Light."

B:(interrupting) "Listen to me very carefully, Teru Mikami… You are getting sleepier, and sleepier…"

Mikami:(holding up a cross) "No! It is you who is getting sleepier and sleepier…"

Light:(rolls his eyes) "Oh, for the love of…"

B: "Pleasant, warm, sleep…"

Mikami: "Drowsier, and drowsier…"

B: "A gentle slide into oblivion…"

Mikami: "Your eyelids are getting heavier, and heavier…"

Light: "Would you guys…" (he trails off, then topples to the ground, dead asleep, apparently having been caught in the crossfire)

Roger: "Where is everyone? …More importantly, where am I?"

Light:(slowly coming to) "Wha…"

Mikami: "Don't move. You might hurt yourself. Are you okay?"

Light:(blinking) "Whoa… they sure don't make dreams like that anymore…" (looks around) "So… er… B…"

B: "Apparently I'm possessed." (he smirks)

Light: "Oh, really?"

Mikami: "Yeah. He's possessed, alright. He bit me."

Light: "You might want to have that looked at. He hasn't really had all of his shots yet."

Mello: "Still hanging in there?"

Near: (exasperated) "No, Mello, I'm dead."

Mello: "Shut up!"

Near: "Fine."

Mello: "Fine!"

(There is a long pause, then the door… slowly creaks open of its own accord.)

Near:(leaning out) "Hmm. That was… convenient."

Mello:(shrugs) "It is Halloween."

Near:"Oh, yes, Mello, that explains it. Why didn't I think of it before? The ghosts must've helped me!"

Mello:(glares at him) "You wanna go back into your little closet now, with Harold the spider?"

Near: "That is a ridiculous question, M."

Mello: "I thought not. C'mon, let's go find L and Matt, then."

Near: "Good idea."

(They start walking off down the hall)

Mello: "Hey. I just thought of something."

Near: "Surprising."

Mello: "I don't have to tell you, you know!"

Near:(shrugs) "Okay."

(Mello growls and obscenity under his breath)

Near:(after a long moment) "Alright, what were you thinking?"

Mello:(turns to him, grinning… this is arguably his most depraved expression) "I was thinking… You just came out of the closet."

Near: "…I don't appreciate that."

Mello: "I thought it was good."

Near: "Of course."

(L, discouraged, wanders back into the sitting room… where he is met with an odd sight. Mikami, pressing a silver crucifix to B's forehead while Light stands by looking nervous. B is practically foaming at the mouth, ranting in Latin, and occasionally dredging up a curse from the archaic past.)

L: "…Ahem."

(They all freeze, whipping around… well, B just lays there in the middle of the floor, sprawled out and muttering obscenities under his breath)

Light:(awkwardly) "L… We were specifically not expecting you."

L: "…Has anyone seen Roger?"

Light: "Are you kidding? That's like trying to find Waldo."

(Right on cue, Mello and Near walk in)

Mello: "Who the fuck is Waldo?!"

L:(instinctually) "Language." (looks at Near) "You got out?"

Near: "With a little help from beyond the grave, of course."

L:(absently) "That's good."

B:(mutters) "Oh, yes, we all get a happy ending…" (he mutters something unintelligible in Latin)

Mello: "Speaking of which, where's Matt?"

L: (cryptically) "…Playing a game. I wouldn't disturb him."

Mello: "And A? Is he still trying to kill himself?"

L:(grimly) "He was when last I heard."

Mello: "Happy ending indeed."

Light: "Well… almost." (he holds up his wrist, indicating the handcuffs) "L… I was wrong. Just don't leave me handcuffed to Beyond anymore. I don't mind you - hell, you look like an ice cream sundae in comparison to him. Just… please… I beg you…"

L: "Of course… but, is it too much to hope for a confession?"

Light:(smiles) "Nice try… Oh, and L?"

L:(pulling out the key) "Yes, Light-kun?"

Light: "…Happy Birthday."

Yes, happy birthday indeed, L. We love you! :-)

And happy Halloween to all our readers. Want some candy? We're passing out loads of virtual chocolate bars in exchange for a single review. Hint hint.