Save me, Save you, Save Us, a gossip girl fanfic

Title: Save me, save you, save us (1/1)
Rating: R/M (only because of the suicide mentions)
Disclaimer: Don't own anything related to Gossip Girl.
Characters/Pairings: Blair/Chuck
Summary: He's saved her everytime Blair thought her world wasn't worth it anymore. He saved her even when she didn't even know it.

Author's Notes: This is pretty dark, has heavy hints of suicide and I don't want you reading it if you don't like it. First time at this dark stuff so yeah. Also, not betad. Will maybe write a follow up, we'll see. Oh and this is a one-shot (maybe if I get some good hints I'll make it a two shot.

The first time she does it is after her father breaks her heart. She sits alone in her room (too big for herself, she realizes pitifully) and accidentally steps on the remains of a broken glass frame. Blair recoils only slightly until she realizes that the pain isn't all that unwelcome. Her foot steps onto the glass harder than she expects and a look of disgust crosses her features because this is too messy. Not that the blood doesn't give her the smallest hint of satisfaction. It's a way of rebelling against what everyone is telling her, promising her that Harold Waldorf still loves her. Chuck finds her but she can't get herself to look at him. So he picks her up, carries her to the bathroom and cleans the wounds on her foot wordlessly. As the blood is cleaned from her porcelain skin, Blair begs to differ and burns those feelings along with the blood stained cloth.

The second time it happens is when Serena leaves unexpectedly. Blair's tears flow for hours before her mother brings her anti-depressant pills just so she won't wake her. She sucks up all her complaints, smiles dutifully at her mother, and then drinks two. Two minutes later, Blair doesn't feel better yet and the feeling of worthlessness is worse than ever. She drinks four more and then another four just for good measure. All insecurities about not shining out like her gorgeous best friend fade away into the hazy gray surrounding her vision. Blair calls Chuck accidentally while skimming through her phone, looking for any evidence of the reason why Serena left. He sounds tired, like he just woke up, and Blair can't understand it. She lets him know that, in between giggles, and he asks her if she's drunk dialing him. Her only response is silence and when her vision clears again, Chuck is standing with her in a shower, fully clothed, and she's wriggling against his tight grip. He keeps repeating the same words and Blair finds she can't understand him. After that Blair doesn't remember much, just that the guilt of being the reason Serena is gone disappears along with Chuck the next morning.

Nate confesses to sleeping with Serena and the world around Blair explodes. She turns back to her bulimia and watches the perfect movie life she planned wash away in the white porcelain bowl. She decides she hates them both because they're made for each other – the golden boy and golden girl – and that she wants to get as far as possible from them both. Blair makes herself throw up until there's nothing left to take anymore. Her body falls weakly onto the tiles and she stares up at the ceiling, planning her move to the furthest country possible. Australia sounds like a fun place, but Blair grimaces as she thinks how much sun there is. Chuck finds her asleep on the tiles and when Blair wakes up the next morning he watches until she's eaten everything on her plate. Then, he dutifully asks her what the queen B is going to do about the situation. Manipulation is key, winning is everything. For the first time since Nate's admitted his indiscretions, Blair smiles.

It's strange to Blair that the next time she does it, it's because of Chuck himself. He compares her to his father's Arabians and something in her snaps. The feeling she experiences afterwards can't be compared to anything she has ever felt in her life, and the reason why she heads to a scum filled Brooklyn club. She lets guys buy her drinks and isn't really all that surprised when she can't make out what's top or bottom anymore. Blair likes this feeling, and pretty soon all thoughts of Chuck Bass are out of the window, replaced by the new care-freeness she experiences. Dancing on the table is the last thing Blair remembers before everything gets dark. She catches a glimpse of her hero before her mind blanks out, but forgets being cradled to Chuck's chest when she wakes up the next afternoon.

A while passes before her next brush with disaster in the form of a trip to Tuscany – courtesy of Chuck Bass. He doesn't show and Blair lets herself be persuaded by some accountant to fly on her own. Even then, as she sits defending Chuck to this middle class man, she knows he won't show. She doesn't wait for him at the airport, just leaves for her father's chateau immediately. Another shock to her system is the picture that Gossip Girl sends of Amelia, the interior designer. Blair promises to hate Chuck for the rest of her life as she locks herself in the kitchen and turns on all the gas containers. She wants to hurt to end, pretends to be back in New York where she's happy and lets out a sob when she realizes that she's never been happy. Blair almost lets herself go when her phone starts ringing and she spots a text from the devil himself. He tells her all the right words, and it makes her feel that maybe everything can be all right. But by then her limbs are to weak, she lets out a howl of pain and she's almost gone when Lord Marcus Beaton saves her. It's not Chuck, but when he picks her up and carries her out of the house telling Blair her screams warned him, she's thankful that Chuck texted her.

The next time Chuck catches Blair Waldorf from ending everything is on the roof of Rufus Humphrey's art gallery. She's crying at the fact that neither one can stop mind-screwing each other. They don't deserve to say those three words to each other. She ignores him, then fights him and finally watches him walk away. Blair cries silently, standing on the edge and watching the lonely street underneath her. It's relaxing to say the least and Blair decides she wants to join the happy people down there. The step she takes doesn't send her in the right direction as somebody pulls her back and she lets out a disgruntled cry of protest. Chuck merely holds her to him and sighs into her hair. He takes her to his room and lets her sleep it off before calling Serena. It is the last time Blair sees Chuck. When he returns to the Van der Bass house later, Nate is there to tell him Blair's gone.

Nearly two years of searching Chuck Bass finally finds the answer he needs. Locked in the box where she kept his necklace lay a letter addressed to him. It thanks him for saving her time and time again and explains her actions. Blair writes about everything and by the 6th page Chuck can't help wishing she'd get to the point. She does, on page 12, and it isn't the one he wants to hear. She asks him not to save her anymore because all they do is end up hurting each other. She tells him that she's made peace with her life and though she isn't trying to end the pain anymore, Blair just can't let Chuck save her anymore. This is something she has to do, grow up and be herself away from him. Her last sentences aren't perfection and he realizes that those must have been the hardest to write. They talk about seeing each other in the future again and being happy together. But mostly, the words that haunt him, are the sentences she leaves him with.

Three words, eight letters and I'm yours.

I love you.