The Voice

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds.

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"Chastity - the most unnatural of all the sexual perversions." -Aldous Huxley

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SSA Dr Spencer Reid tossed and turned in his hotel room bed. He couldn't sleep. He glanced at the clock. It was 2 am

"Arghh," he moaned. 'I have to be up in 5 hours. Then he heard it again.

"Pssst, Spencer!"

"Go away," Reid hissed.

"No Spencer, we need to talk."

Reid covered his ears, "No! Go away"

"Not until you talk to me, " said the voice.

Reid gave a cry of frustration, "No. Please no."

"I don't understand. Why wont you talk to me?"

Spencer put his hands over his eyes and groaned, "Because you're not real, that's why"

" Not Real, you can't be serious. We've known each other for years!"

"Look," Reid said, his voice hard. " I made you go away once, I can do it again"

" Pshaw! I made me go away," The voice countered. "Now lookie here Spency, if you really refuse to speak to me, I can make sure that not only will you hear me, you'll SEE me as well. I'll be the one dancing on Hotch's desk in a thong."

Reid sat up, "You wouldn't!"

"Spencer, what's the problem? We were best friends when you were a kid. Remember when your mom would have those episodes and we would talk in your room for hours? And later on, when you got older, you were all ears when you wanted to discuss cold fusion or quantum physics. But, oh no, when I need to discuss you, you play the 'You're not real' card."

Reid felt cornered, " Ok ok fine, I'll talk to you. Just promise me you'll stay away after this."

"We'll see," the voice said.

There was silence... then more silence. Reid got impatient. " WELL, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?"

"Oh, sorry. I was just thinking of the time when Hotch had the whole team over to his house for dinner, and everytime Haley would speak I would go 'BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH' in your ear really loud. It was so funny, you kept leaning closer and closer to her so you hear her until you were practically in her lap!"

"Oh yeah. That was hilarious."

"Hey, she was flattered. She thought you were into her," the voice giggled.

"So did Hotch. He gave me the cold shoulder for three weeks."

"Really! Man, how could you tell? Oh oh! Remember that time at the Chinese restaurant in New York, when everytime you tried to put food in your mouth I yelled BOO!!?"

Reid was impatient now, "You said you wanted to speak to me?'

"Oh yeah, sorry. Ok Spency, it's about your love life. I think it's about time to give it up. Get off the virgin train, you know; the horizontal mambo, the beast with two backs. You know what I'm talkin about."

"WHAT!?" Reid was shocked.

"Relax, calm down. All I'm saying is you need to meet someone. A girl, a guy, I don't care, just do it already. It's time to have sex. "

"I don't think that's any of your business," Reid huffed

"C'mon guy,. you don't even self serve. Isn't that stuff startin' to back up on you?"

Reid jumped out of bed, thoroughly disgusted. "That's it!" he yelled. "Get out, go away, you're not real!"

Just then, there was a knock at his door. Reid put his fingers to his lips and said, "Shh."

He crossed the room and opened to door to see Derek Morgan standing there in his boxer shorts and t -shirt, looking concerned.

"Reid man, I heard yelling coming from your room. Everything ok?"

Reid pretended to be puzzled, "Hi Morgan, everythings fine. I had the TV on awhile ago. Maybe that's what you heard."

Morgan didn't look convinced. He peered into Reid's room, attempting to get a look around. Reid smiled at him.

"Well, ok then Reid, just get some sleep. Busy day tomorrow."

"Goodnight Morgan," Reid shut the door, leaned back and took a moment to compose himself.

"Still here amigo," said the voice calmly.

Reid hung his head in defeat. He was too tired to fight now.

"Please go," he pleaded.

The voice softened, "Alright pal, I'll go. Will you promise to at least think about what I said?"

"Yes yes, fine, just go."

" Goodnight Spencer."

"Goodnight."

Then there was silence. Reid let out a sigh of relief and slumped back into bed.

"I've got to get some rest, now Morgan's going to think I talk to voices or something." He punched his pillow and finally he began to drift off to sleep. His last concious thought:

"Hmm, self serve? I never thought of that."

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Fin

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A/N: I know this is pretty silly, but could I get your reviews anyway?