-1 Once upon a time in the far off land of magic, there was a castle. In the castle, magic was taught. The students had fun, frolicking about through the corridors, but it wasn't all fun and games. You see, magic isn't as easy as it looks. It takes hard work. Fifth year students at the castle take strenuous tests known as O.W.L.s, while seventh year students take the ever-dreaded N.E.W.T.s. Not only do the students have to take these tests, but they also have the teachers. While most of the teachers are pleasant, some are… eeeevil. And every year, strange and evil things happen throughout the wizarding world. Why? Because plots are necessary to continue with stories! A Dark Wizard, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, aka Voldemort, set out to destroy everyone. So, the students of Hogwarts castle had to prepare themselves for the terrors which awaited them, while overcoming love, hate, and the fact that they weren't really characters.
Our story is one of love, hate, sex, drugs, rock and roll, mushrooms, bears, and killer towels. Not too mention the bubblegum. It started when a few girls in various houses got together to discuss what they should do at Hogwarts that year. Their choices were as follows:
Get all kinds of drunk and fuck every living person
Dance dance dance
Learn to speak Mermish
Or…

Play the bagpipes.
Needless to say, the vote was unanimous. Everyone had voted to learn to speak Mermish. So, the girls went to visit Professor McGonagall, because for some reason, she was a foreign language teacher…. And she was looking at porn on her computer. At Hogwarts. The first girl, Moonlight, said to the darling Professor, "Hey, we must learn to speak Mermish! While making references to America and using electronics in Hogwarts!"
Professor McGonagall looked sighed. How she wished she wasn't written into a crappy fic… But nonetheless! She acquiesced and set an appointment for the girls to learn Mermish from her. Estatic, they walked to the Great Hall.
"Dag, I'm so glad we be getting Mermish lessons from that McGonagall bitch this year!" said Silver. "I's alwayz wanted to speak Mermish!"
"Me too! 8D" said Laocoons. "But for the sake of the plot, shall we skip all these preliminaries and go to potions instead of the Great Hall!? 8D"
"Fo' shiz," said Violette.
"Seconded!" said Lepusia.
So the girls set off on their long journey to the potions classroom. However! Their journey was hindered by none other than… people! First to disturb their route was Albus Dumbledore, with his… ahem, "good friend," Gellert Grindelwald.
"OH NO'Z!" said all the girls at once. "IT B3 T3H DARK WIZARD GRINDELWALD!"
"Isn't he supposed to be in prison?" asked Silver.
Dumbledore silenced the girls… he didn't want anyone to know that he'd retrieved his "good friend" from the prison. "SILEEEEEENCE! Me and Gellert gonna go have t3h s3ckz!" said Dumbledore. "Choo girlz wanna join!?"
Then with great force, Moonlight jumped out of the group and pounced upon the escaped convict. "OMG OLDMAN SEX! JUST WHAT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED!"
… Then we skip a scene, and the girls continue walking, with the addition of Dumbledore and Grindelwald who have taken to smoking.
"Professor Dumbledore, have I ever told you that I loved you?" asked Moonlight.
"Why yes. Yes you have. When you were screaming my name in that scene we skipped!" Dumbledore replied. "… NAKIED TIME!" And the old man was suddenly naked. At this, Moonlight slapped Dumbledore.
"How can you betray me like this!? I thought you loved me!"
"Well, Moonlight, I did, but this is a story of love and hate! Not just love! So now I hate you! Had a nice shag, though! Good day! I'll be over here with Gellerty-lert if you need me." And Dumbledore and his gay bestest friend sunk off into the shadows.
The next person to hinder their route was none other than Remus Lupin, looking all hot and werewolfy.
"Professor Lupin! What are you doing here? I thought chu quitted!" said Violette.
"Well, I did. But then Professor Snape called me on his cell phone, because he missed the shagging." All the girls gasped.
"The… shagging, Professor? But you and Snape hated each other!" said Silver.
"… Yeah… hated… Anyway… I best be off to go pleasure the potions master. He'll get cranky if I don't." Lupin turned away, walking towards the potions room.
However, Lepusia shouted to him as he walked away. "Oh, Professor Lupiiiiiinz! Would you like to… um… warm up before pleasuring the potions master?"
"No, little girl, no I wouldn't. …. Wait… Yes I would!" And the fuzzy werewolf face and Lepusia went off to another skipped scene.
When we return to our story, it is to find Lepusia in tears. As it turned out, Lupin had only been using her to find rabbits to eat. It made little to no sense, but the girls had to comfort Lepusia. Again, the girls set out on their continually long journey to the potions room.