___________________________________-Chapter 7 *

A few hours before dawn, they set out again in search of the gate. The warming sky seemed to rise out of the embers from the night before, glowing incandescent at the horizon in a wash of crimson. Small galaxies could be seen with the naked eye, like falling snowflakes randomly spaced across the dark void. Rodney pondered the beauty of it as he walked, his body numb from exertion. He fearfully watched Sheppard in front of him, staggering off balance every few meters and felt certain that at any moment, he would fall and not get up again. He marveled at his friend's sheer determination, feeling guilty that he had come back for him. He didn't feel like he deserved such devotion. He saw time and time again how Sheppard had put his life on the line for others and he still found it remarkable. He had even managed to teach Rodney to do the same and on occasion, let go of his selfishness. Sheppard didn't seem to ask for anything in return. Except maybe friendship. 'That must be it. They all die, don't they? His friends…He never gets keep them…He never gets the chance to say goodbye…No wonder…How he must feel…I can't do that…Not to him.' He thought.

As they approached the edge of a wide plane, Sheppard stopped and turned to look at him. "McKay, check it out…" He pointed ahead, barely able to hold his arm out. Rodney looked out into the distance. The small arc was visible in the pre dawn light.

"The gate! Sheppard! We're almost there!" Rodney smiled in disbelief.

"Yeah, we are."Sheppard bent over, hands on his thighs as he took a moment to rest.

"John?"Rodney asked as he moved up to him, "Are…you alright?" Rodney steadied him, putting his arm around him.

"I'm not doing that great…lots of pain, kinda out of gas…but I can make it. Just need a moment." He said, looking half alive.

"Ok, but I can't carry you. My legs fell off a kilometer back." Rodney joked.

"Don't worry McKay, I would never live that down. " Sheppard replied, standing upright again. "Besides, look at you…Raggedy Rodney…I would never hear the end of it.." He said, throwing the joke back at him. Rodney pouted his clay face, looking like the doll as insinuated, but was secretly relieved that Sheppard could still fight back.

"Bite me Sheppard! Are you gonna piss around or can we go now?"

Sheppard ignored him. "What does the scanner say? Any bad guys?" He asked, trying to balance himself in the wind that was picking up.

A quick look on the screen made Rodney's face go slack. He fell to his knees. "John, we're not going to make it." His blue eyes stared up, pleading his case.

"What? What is it!" Sheppard grabbed the scanner from Rodney's hands. As he studied the screen, his tired eyes welled up. "Shit! They're everywhere! Damn it! Not now!" He threw the scanner down in frustration, then let himself fall down into a sitting position. He thrust his hands into his hair and closed his eyes. "Crap!" He yelled.

"John, what can we do?" Rodney asked. Sheppard stayed still for a moment, then looked back at the distant gate. "Help me McKay, how many and where?"

Rodney interpreted the dots on the scanner. "Total of twelve. Four groups of three. Evenly placed around the gate every 30 meters or so. That's all I can see with this."

Sheppard nodded, still looking out over the plane. "Do they have any way to track us?" He asked, his focus regained.

"Not that I know of." Rodney watched as Sheppard checked their weapons one by one. He handed back a stunner in addition to Rodney's pistol.

"Here, take these."Sheppard stated, his voice spare and chilled.

"What…what are you thinking?"Rodney asked, nervous by Sheppard's demeanor.

"We are gonna take them out. You will need to do what I say, when I say it. Clear?" Sheppard said sternly.

"Oh come on! You can't even stand! How in the hell are you going to stop twelve armed men in your condition? Hello?! Memo to Sheppard! Are you completely crazy from exhaustion or do you just want to commit suicide?"Rodney ranted abruptly, arms waving. He wasn't prepared as Sheppard lunged forward.

Faster than Rodney had imagined, Sheppard was eye to eye with him and seething."We are going to do this! Even If I die in the God damn process, you are getting home! I won't settle for less! Are you fucking going to help me or not?" He spat through his teeth. His body was shaking.

Rodney tried not to panic as he held his hands up in defense. "Sheppard! Calm the hell down! Yeah! I'm going to help! Don't you think I want to?" He felt his anxiety explode in his chest. "I'd actually like to freak out and run screaming because that's my style, but you beat me to it! Look at us John! We're screwed! I am seeing your aura for God's sake! I can barely walk without crying and you,..Shit, you might drop dead any minute! That's an issue!"

He lowered his strained voice as Sheppard stared through him, mouth open and seemingly in shock. Rodney's thoughts raced through his head trying to grasp why John was behaving so. 'Why did he… He knows this is wrong…He's smarter than this…'

Rodney held his ground. "Look Sheppard, we need a plan. A good plan. And by the way, if I go home, so do you. Both of us, alive. That's the deal. "

Sheppard kept staring. Rodney could see the shame in his eyes, at last held into the open. "That's it! You want to get killed! It would be a hell of a lot easier than risking something like this again…You matter Sheppard! You mattered to Elizabeth and everyone else you couldn't save! You matter to me! Snap out of it! I am not letting you off the fucking hook!" Rodney stopped, realizing he might have gone too far. He felt raw and afraid. Rodney trembled as he took a deep breath.

Sheppard backed away slowly, quietly holding his head in pain. The wind seemed to hold him up. He vacantly looked at Rodney, his hazel eyes catching the light of the sunrise. "I'm sorry… McKay. Your right…I was out of line…We both go home." He whispered as if disoriented, feeling stunned and ashamed. He collapsed onto his back and stared up. "Ok,… We don't panic. Forgot that rule for a moment." Sheppard mumbled to himself, seemingly disconnected.

Rodney remained quiet, hoping he hadn't made things worse. He tried to organize his thoughts as his emotion receded. He slowly centered himself and softened his tone. "John, before we do this, I need to know. What can you handle? And don't bullshit me!" He could tell that Sheppard was so strung out in his weakened state, he had little control over his emotions, let alone his injured body. The beatings he had taken at the beginning of their ordeal had been brutal, robbing him of his stamina and strength. He calculated that it had been nearly a week since Sheppard had eaten a decent meal. He had endured almost five days of extreme solar exposure and dehydration. 'He really is a crazy son of a bitch!"He thought.

Rodney moved to sit by him and was immediately subdued as he took a closer look at his friend; tears of duress streaked away from the outer corners of Sheppard's eyes as he lay motionless under the now salmon sky. Rodney knew he was soon to arrive at the same grim place.

"Hey, John, tell me…How do you feel? What can you tolerate?"He asked kindly.

Sheppard attempted to speak. His voice barely audible, now torn apart from yelling. "Really weak…Can't think very well. Walking is hard; makes me dizzy but… I can do it. Can't run. Balance is gone. My vision is off but I can shoot. I will need to be close."He said quietly, keeping his eyes averted.

Rodney opened the canteen and drank then passed it to Sheppard. "Ok, we can…work with that. I can see, but I can't guarantee in what color spectrum. Maybe I can run? It will hurt like hell, but gunfire is always a good motivator. I can shoot, but badly, as you know. So, do we have enough between us to make this work?"Rodney smirked with the question.

Sheppard finally looked at him, a small smile on his face. "Yeah, think so. Timing will be everything. We can get close, then wait till nightfall. We will need cover. It will give us a chance to rest." He capped the canteen and gingerly turned on his left side in preparation to get up."McKay?"

"What?"Rodney said.

Sheppard looked him in the eye intentionally, his gaze heavy with atonement. " I…I'm really…not myself. Sorry buddy."

"You're the same stubborn bastard that I have come to appreciate as my friend. And you're welcome." Rodney replied calmly as he stood up. He felt as if his legs were broken. "Ok. You lead, I will follow. Head out now?"He puffed out, wincing at being back on his feet.

"Yeah." Sheppard said peacefully, accepting Rodney's hand up.

*****

The heat of the day had been vicious, baking the ground into an impenetrable surface, unyielding to any attempt at digging. Sheppard lay behind a large black boulder, checking the level of the canteen. He took a drink and held it in his mouth for a moment, letting it soothe him. 'This is the last one. For now.' He thought. He could hear Rodney muttering something to himself. "McKay." He scratched.

Rodney sat near him in the shallow shade of the rock, bandaging his blistered feet with strips of cloth. "Oh yay! More good news?" He whimpered, sensing Sheppard's disappointment.

"This is the last of our water. Can't dig down here. This is yours." Sheppard sealed the canteen and tossed it to Rodney. He leaned his head back against the rock and closed his eyes, seeking escape from the rippling heat that twisted the landscape.

"Then I had better just think how 'not thirsty' I am. No problem. Speaking of life and death problems…And we have so few…How much more of this solar barbecue are we in for?" Rodney asked in a bitter tone. He fought with his bandana, trying to tie it on properly; it being smaller after stealing fabric from it.

"Hour maybe." Sheppard whispered faintly as he put his hand up to his face, feeling moisture. His nose had started to bleed. He put pressure on it, making it stop. Rodney flailed next to him.

"Fucking fabulous!" He spastically yanked off his bandana in frustration." Stick a fork in me, because I am so God damn done! My hair is drying up and blowing away…I am gonna die bald and burnt to a crisp! How 'bout you?" Rodney's sarcasm waivered in the hot wind. Tears sneaked to his eyes; his resolve worn out.

"I don't know…Rodney. I…don't know."He wiped his bloody fingers onto his pants. He looked near death if he stayed still. "I have been thinking… About our 'plan'. It might not be the best, but hear me out?" He croaked. Rodney just nodded, hoping it would all be over soon. "Your data pad…Does it still work?"

Rodney grudgingly pulled it off his back and fiddled with it. "Yeah, if you want to listen to ITunes or something but I don't think this is really the time. The battery is low."

"McKay, can you make it be loud? Ya know, like blast a sound or a song loud, really loud?" Sheppard opened his eyes.

Rodney wrinkled his cakey face at Sheppard."What? "

"McKay! Can you? Yes or No?"Sheppard gasped out.

"Yeah, but…You want a distraction?" He asked, squinting.

"Exactly…Something to make the goons go running. Preferably away from the gate."Rodney thought about the question pensively. He opened the canteen, took half his ration, and then gave the rest to Sheppard. Sheppard reluctantly accepted after Rodney pushed at his good shoulder.

"Does Celine Dion work?"Rodney continued.

"Who?"

"She's Canadian…High pitched."He smiled.

"Fine, whatever. Just has to be loud."

"No problem. That isn't the whole plan, is it boy wonder? Cause we'd have better odds in Vegas." Rodney sniped.

"No, and by the way… you're the sidekick. I'll know more at nightfall." Sheppard snarked back just before he coughed repeatedly, making his nose bleed again. Rodney threw a wad of tan fabric at him. "Thanks."Sheppard mumbled as he held it against his face.

Rodney put his hands over his eyes and rested into his palms."We are one bloody limb away from a Monty Python skit." Rodney quipped, trying not to panic from his discomfort and delirium.

"Shut up and rest McKay. We go soon." Sheppard continued to hold the cloth against his face as he closed his eyes again. He focused on the hum of the heat, trying to imagine it was the sound of a far off Lantian sea. They were almost home.

*****

Nightfall seemed to bring little relief as Sheppard and McKay looked out at the gate, now blanketed in the remnants of a smokey twilight. The twelve guards stood now in three groups, making them more manageable. Sheppard studied the scene then turned to Rodney."McKay, we are 400 meters from the gate. We can follow the rocks down to about 100 meters. I need you to place your data pad with this…"He held up a block of C-4. " Set it with your pad right about there, by their transport. Then get back to me. I will plant the rest of the C-4 there, and there." He pointed at two locations in front of the gate but before the transport. "We are gonna funnel them between the charges. I want you to run and get behind me before they go off, dial the gate and I will cover you, then follow you through." Sheppard's eyes were glassy and sluggish.

Rodney nodded as he checked his weapons then looked at his friend; his gut falling in fear. "John, I…I want to say something, before…" He paused, seeming conflicted.

"We will do this McKay. We are going home. Promise." Sheppard disconnected his P-90 from his vest.

"John, please, I want to…"Rodney whispered.

Sheppard cut him off. "Not till we're home. Time to go." He pointed in the direction they were to head, pushing away the emotion he was feeling. Rodney took one last look at him then started to move.

They moved undetected among the dark stone and took their positions. Rodney nervously crawled out, trembling the entire way to the unguarded transport. Covered in sweat and trepidation, he initiated his data pad, placing it under the rear power compartment along with some C-4. Somehow handling a chunk of plastic explosive was easier to face than the thought of a venomous bug. He was relieved it wasn't the latter.

Sheppard took longer, painstakingly moving over the rocky soil on his belly. His movement was slightly clumsy as he tried to alternate taking the pressure off his arm and ribs as he crawled. He placed the remaining charges, ever watchful to the movement of the guards. He gave what he had to complete the trip, coming to rest behind a stone just out of the blast zone. Rodney was waiting for him. "All done." He said, holding his side. "You ok Sheppard?"

He nodded, out of breath, holding his ribs. Once he could breathe, he whispered in Rodney's ear.

"It's official."

"What?"Rodney mouthed, confused.

"You're not a chicken shit." Sheppard whispered, grinning proudly at him. Realizing it was a compliment, Rodney smiled and held up his middle finger. Sheppard squelched his smirk then pointed. "Move to the boulder by the gate. When the C-4 detonates, dial Atlantis. I will cover you. Go!" They scrambled awkwardly into their respective positions, waiting for their cue.

Sheppard strained at first to hear it , but within seconds, the sound of a woman's voice echoed out into the clearing. The guards, one by one turned and slowly walked defensively toward the sound, weapons drawn. Sheppard held the detonator in his hand, waiting for the right moment. Two of the three groups walked into the trap. Four men stayed at the far side of the gate. Sheppard realized that left Rodney to run right into them. "Shit!" Sheppard whispered as he moved to cover him. His body began to fail, a little more with each step among the rocks. 'Just a little more…I have to do this!…Damn it John! You will do this!' He commanded. Agony ripped though his body as adrenaline pushed him into overdrive.

Barely in time but as planned, he was behind and to the side of Rodney as he triggered the explosion. The phosphorescent flash blotted out the clearing for a few seconds; metal shards scattered in every direction out of the smoke. It was difficult to see if anyone in the blast zone was still standing. Sheppard saw Rodney break into a run. The remaining guards raised their weapons and took aim. Sheppard instinctively tried to run forward, firing his P-90 in a wide arc. He saw two men fall as his legs gave out, throwing him down onto his injured arm. He yelled out as the searing pain of his effort cut into him. His P-90 skidded out of his reach.

Rodney dove behind the DHD, then popped up and started to dial. The two remaining guards pressed forward, firing at the console. Sheppard clawed to his knees, drawing his side arm and fired again. The third guard fell immediately. Rodney frantically completed the sequence and pulled his pistol out, getting off two shots. The fourth guard dropped, but not before hitting his target. Rodney's chest arched as the white blast lifted him up and back, dropping him just short of the active portal. "McKay!"Sheppard screamed as he fought with all his strength to get to him, his body no longer responding to his commands. Sheppard stumbled as he reached him. Rodney was conscious but paralyzed. He looked at Sheppard with terror, eyes wide. Something was coming.

A lone guard was running from the direction of the explosion. Sheppard spun on his knee, dropping him just a few meters away with his pistol. Gasping for air, Sheppard searched the area with his eyes. It was all clear. He felt something wet and fingered his chest, touching on a small sting of pain. The burning sensation expanded within his body and filled his ears with a dull pressure. He saw the blood, glistening in the blue light of the star gate as it escaped the fabric of his vest. 'Not yet!' His mind cried out. Adrenaline surged again and raged against the new pain that was consuming him. Sheppard willed his body up and threw himself forward, using his momentum as he latched onto Rodney's arm. They pitched through the gate just as a new wave of soldiers arrived at the clearing.

He crashed against the ruddy colored floor of the gate room, sliding a few feet into something. The floor was cool against his face. He could see Rodney breathing, staring back at him. As if under water, muted sounds and shadows scattered around him as his vision began to fade. A slick of blood spilled out from his body, blooming wide. It felt heavy against his skin, lulling him away into the dark.

*****

The view from the patio comforted him inside as he leaned against the rail. The mid day sun chased the chill of the ocean air off his face. He ached for distraction, trying to think of anything else but his recent ordeal. There were too many images playing in his head. He had survived, but it felt like a hollow victory. He hated feeling helpless. He hated feeling. When it came to friends, feeling their absence disturbed him more than he wanted to admit. He heard the mess hall door open behind him.

"Hey." Ronon said, walking up to McKay.

"Hi."Rodney replied, rubbing his neck. His skin itched, still peeling from his solar exposure. "How are you doing? You look better." He asked half heartedly, looking up at Ronon.

"I'm kinda sore still, but I'll be fine." He looked thoughtfully at Rodney, seeing he was distant. "We all miss him…"He said quietly.

"Yeah. It's not the same. It feels wrong."Rodney whispered.

"I know. It will take time."Ronon looked out onto the water. "He saved you. He stopped the assault. I couldn't hold them. If he hadn't shown up, it would have been over. We'd be dead."

Rodney ran his hand over his face, stressed by the facts he was trying to forget. "I still think it was too high of a price. A lot of people were saved, but we suffered for it. He suffered. What did we get out of it other than suffering and loss? It's a hell of a pattern to keep repeating, never knowing who we are going to lose just so we can learn more about the Ancients. "He took a few steps away, trying to ward off his anger.

"And the Wraith?" Ronon asked.

"Ya know, sometimes I just want to say that's not my problem and go home to my own galaxy. But I guess,…It's not that simple. I don't know. He didn't have to come after me. I guess, I feel…guilty or something. "Rodney looked away.

Ronon turned his back to the sun and faced McKay. " Don't. He wouldn't want you too. He knew what he was doing. I just wish I could have been there." He put his hand on Rodney's shoulder in reassurance. Rodney reluctantly nodded, knowing he was right. It had been Sheppard's choice. Something he would have done for any of them.

The doors of the mess cracked open and Carson peeked through. "Gentlemen…"

*****

The feeling was soft and warm. He didn't want it to stop as it moved delicate and hushed through him like a ray of morning light. John Sheppard opened his eyes slowly to see a beautiful woman smiling at him. Teyla caressed his face in a tender motion, following the angular contours. "John, can you hear me?"She asked quietly. Clouded and immobile, he blinked once, attempting to acknowledge her. He couldn't speak. He tried to focus on her face but his vision flickered in and out. "You are going to be fine, John. You made it back. Rodney is alright." She eased his black hair away from his forehead. Her words filtered in softly and began to make sense.

He struggled to mouth one word. "Ronon?"

Teyla nodded. "He is alright as well. Some were lost, but we made it. You will be alright." Her words echoed into his fractured consciousness, connecting directly to his unguarded shame and guilt. Guilt for all the ones that never made it back. He thought of his men. He thought of Lt. Ford. He thought of Elizabeth and his chest tightened painfully against his wound. Emotion overwhelmed him inside, waking his panic. Rodney appeared above him, smiling.

"Hey Buddy! Where have you been? Didn't recognize you without your mask!"Rodney's relief bounced out like a rubber ball. He took Sheppard's hand and gave it a squeeze. "It's been a while…But, you're going to be up and around soon. And by the way, I am never going camping with you again!"

Sheppard tried to respond, but couldn't. He swallowed, still searching for his voice. He could hear Ronon nearby, talking to someone. Shadows blurred and shifted as he fought his upwelling fear. He needed to get to the surface…

Carson soon hovered over him, looking at him with kindness. "Alright, let the man rest. Off with ya now!" Sheppard heard the murmurs die down as Carson remained, watching him. "Can you hear me son?" He asked gently.

Sheppard blinked again while he looked into the doctor's deep blue eyes. He struggled to find his words, but still fell short, choked with pain and confusion. He managed to raise his hand from the bed and toward the doctor. Carson quietly took it and nodded with reassurance. "It's alright. We have you John." Minuets passes in silence as Carson let him get his bearings.

Sheppard at last managed a feeble whisper. "My…Men? Lost?" His eyes desperately searched the Scotsman.

Carson looked at him with compassion, sensing his old wounds as well as his new ones. "Aye son. Two. The rest of your team made it home. You did all that you could. You saved many. "

Sheppard listened, tightening his hold on Carson. "From one who knows lad, some are lost, no matter what we do. Sometimes, it's out of our hands. To live, you must let it go." He said quietly. The wisdom in Carson's eyes seemed to permeate Sheppard. He blinked again and squeezed Carson's hand before releasing it. The tightness in his center began to relax.

"Carson?"Rodney's voice broke the moment.

Carson turned. "Yes, Rodney?"

"Can I just have another minuet?"He asked, looking self conscious.

"Alright, but just one. He's still weak and needs rest. One minute." He said, smiling back at Sheppard before he moved away and out of sight.

"John?"He whispered. Rodney peered at him, emotion weighting his quiet smile. Sheppard slowly met his eyes. "I just… wanted to say…Thank you…for not giving up …for not saying goodbye. You kept your promise and got us home." Rodney smiled again meekly, clearly relieved he was able to express himself. "I'm proud that you're my friend…best friend…actually." He played with his fingers, nervously awaiting some kind of response.

Sheppard searched for his words again. Rodney saw him struggling, so he leaned down to hear. "Back at you…buddy." He whispered faintly. Rodney felt his friend's hand give his sleeve a tug. Somehow surprised, his smile widened while his blue eyes reflected his gratitude. "Still think… I'm crazy?"Sheppard whispered again, his voice failing with the effort.

"That would be 'crazy son of a bitch', actually, and yeah, I do."Rodney whispered back, grinning. Sheppard gave a small smile as he felt the pull of sleep start to overpower him. Sheppard closed his eyes as he heard Carson chase Rodney out. His thoughts softly threaded the needle of his consciousness, looping back on Carson's words over and over as he fell away from his fear. He was letting it go.

Fini