Disclaimer: do not own Transformers.

Summary: G1 Crack drabble series. It's the random adventures of an Autobot, a Decepticon, and a human.

Rating: K+

Randomverse

The human stared into red, vicious optics, attempting to pry loose before the monster's grip tightened. The human gave a gasp of pain, and then glared at the captor.

"What the hell, man? What the hell? Can't a squishy go walking anywhere in peace anymore?"

"Nope," the Decepticon said, already walking away from the scene of the abduction, making sure to leave obvious signs of the crime behind. "It's Friday. You know what that means."

"Megatron had another weird, unnecessarily complex machine-of-doom built?"

"Nope, that's tomorrow."

"We're off to fight on another planet or in another time period?"

"No," the Decepticon said, casually walking down the street, pausing to let a couple of ducks and their ducklings pass before continuing on. "That's Thursday."

The human thought back to the schedule. "Dammit. You mean I'm being used in one of those use-the-humans-against-the-Autobots plan again?"

"Yup."

The human muttered a curse. "Don't you have some other human to bother?"

"Look, kid," the Decepticon said, stopping for a pedestrian light and looking at the victim. "We all have our token rivals. Megatron has Optimus, Soundwave has Blaster, Starscream has Skyfire, and I have that Autobot. And then the Autobots all have their token humans. You happen to be his. Therefore, I have to take you."

The human sighed exasperatedly, and then looked around. "At least you did it with some witnesses around this time. You can't imagine the number of people who won't believe you when you say 'I was kidnapped by a Decepticon' as an excuse for not handing in an assignment."

The pedestrian light changed, and the Decepticon kept walking. "We're an evil race bent on the destruction of your planet. Your schedule is the least of my concern."

"How long is this going to take?"

"It's going to be an overnight thing this time."

The human sighed. "Which means I'm gonna be missing out on a 'very important' dinner, in which I'm supposed to act nice to my future father-in-law and mother-in-la—" The human broke off, lost in thought.

"And I suppose that this counts for a convenient time to get kidnapped?" the Decepticon asked smugly.

"You planned this, didn't you?"

"As you humans say: Duh."

"Fine." To the surrounding witnesses, the human offered an unenthusiastic, "Oh no. Optimus, save me." Then the human's attention turned back to the Decepticon, elbows propped up on the metallic fingers. "After this, do you and your Autobot nemesis want to go check out that new movie?"